rambling idle excursion-第1章

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Rambling　Idle　Excursion

by　Mark　Twain




SOME　RAMBLING　NOTES　OF　AN　IDLE　EXCURSION


All　the　journeyings　I　had　ever　done　had　been　purely　in　the　way　of
business。　　The　pleasant　May　weather　suggested　a　novelty　namely；　a　trip
for　pure　recreation；　the　bread…and…butter　element　left　out。　　The　Reverend
said　he　would　go；　too；　a　good　man；　one　of　the　best　of　men；　although　a
clergyman。　　By　eleven　at　night　we　were　in　New　Haven　and　on　board　the　New
York　boat。　　We　bought　our　tickets；　and　then　went　wandering　around　here
and　there；　in　the　solid　comfort　of　being　free　and　idle；　and　of　putting
distance　between　ourselves　and　the　mails　and　telegraphs。

After　a　while　I　went　to　my　stateroom　and　undressed；　but　the　night　was　too
enticing　for　bed。　　We　were　moving　down　the　bay　now；　and　it　was　pleasant
to　stand　at　the　window　and　take　the　cool　night　breeze　and　watch　the
gliding　lights　on　shore。　　Presently；　two　elderly　men　sat　down　under　that
window　and　began　a　conversation。　　Their　talk　was　properly　no　business　of
mine；　yet　I　was　feeling　friendly　toward　the　world　and　willing　to　be
entertained。　　I　soon　gathered　that　they　were　brothers；　that　they　were
from　a　small　Connecticut　village；　and　that　the　matter　in　hand　concerned
the　cemetery。　　Said　one：

〃Now；　John；　we　talked　it　all　over　amongst　ourselves；　and　this　is　what
we've　done。　　You　see；　everybody　was　a…movin'　from　the　old　buryin'…ground；
and　our　folks　was　'most　about　left　to　theirselves；　as　you　may　say。　　They
was　crowded；　too；　as　you　know；　lot　wa'n't　big　enough　in　the　first　place；
and　last　year；　when　Seth's　wife　died；　we　couldn't　hardly　tuck　her　in。
She　sort　o'　overlaid　Deacon　Shorb's　lot；　and　he　soured　on　her；　so　to
speak；　and　on　the　rest　of　us；　too。　　So　we　talked　it　over；　and　I　was　for　a
lay　out　in　the　new　simitery　on　the　hill。　　They　wa'n't　unwilling；　if　it
was　cheap。　　Well；　the　two　best　and　biggest　plots　was　No。　8　and　No。　9
both　of　a　size；　nice　comfortable　room　for　twenty…sixtwenty…six
full…growns；　that　is；　but　you　reckon　in　children　and　other　shorts；　and
strike　an　everage；　and　I　should　say　you　might　lay　in　thirty；　or　maybe
thirty…two　or　three；　pretty　genteelno　crowdin'　to　signify。〃

〃That's　a　plenty；　William。　　Which　one　did　you　buy？〃

〃Well；　I'm　a…comin'　to　that；　John。　　You　see；　No。　8　was　thirteen　dollars；
No。　9　fourteen〃

〃I　see。　　So's't　you　took　No。　8。〃

〃You　wait。　　I　took　No。　9。　　And　I'll　tell　you　for　why。　　In　the　first
place；　Deacon　Shorb　wanted　it。　　Well；　after　the　way　he'd　gone　on　about
Seth's　wife　overlappin'　his　prem'ses；　I'd　'a'　beat　him　out　of　that　No。　9
if　I'd　'a'　had　to　stand　two　dollars　extra；　let　alone　one。　　That's　the　way
I　felt　about　it。　　Says　I；　what's　a　dollar；　anyway？　　Life's　on'y　a
pilgrimage；　says　I；　we　ain't　here　for　good；　and　we　can't　take　it　with　us；
says　I。　　So　I　just　dumped　it　down；　knowin'　the　Lord　don't　suffer　a　good
deed　to　go　for　nothin'；　and　cal'latin'　to　take　it　out　o'　somebody　in　the
course　o'　trade。　　Then　there　was　another　reason；　John。　　No。　9's　a　long
way　the　handiest　lot　in　the　simitery；　and　the　likeliest　for　situation。
It　lays　right　on　top　of　a　knoll　in　the　dead　center　of　the　buryin'　ground；
and　you　can　see　Millport　from　there；　and　Tracy's；　and　Hopper　Mount；　and　a
raft　o'　farms；　and　so　on。　　There　ain't　no　better　outlook　from　a
buryin'…plot　in　the　state。　　Si　Higgins　says　so；　and　I　reckon　he　ought　to
know。　　Well；　and　that　ain't　all。　　'Course　Shorb　had　to　take　No。　8；　wa'n't
no　help　for　't。　　Now；　No。　8　jines　onto　No。　9；　but　it's　on　the　slope　of
the　hill；　and　every　time　it　rains　it　'll　soak　right　down　onto　the　Shorbs。
Si　Higgins　says　't　when　the　deacon's　time　comes；　he　better　take　out　fire
and　marine　insurance　both　on　his　remains。〃

Here　there　was　the　sound　of　a　low；　placid；　duplicate　chuckle　of
appreciation　and　satisfaction。

〃Now；　John；　here's　a　little　rough　draft　of　the　ground　that　I've　made　on　a
piece　of　paper。　　Up　here　in　the　left…hand　corner　we've　bunched　the
departed；　took　them　from　the　old　graveyard　and　stowed　them　one　alongside
o'　t'other；　on　a　first…come…first…served　plan；　no　partialities；　with
Gran'ther　Jones　for　a　starter；　on'y　because　it　happened　so；　and　windin'
up　indiscriminate　with　Seth's　twins。　　A　little　crowded　towards　the　end　of
the　lay…out；　maybe；　but　we　reckoned　'twa'n't　best　to　scatter　the　twins。
Well；　next　comes　the　livin'。　　Here；　where　it's　marked　A；　we're　goin'　to
put　Mariar　and　her　family；　when　they're　called；　B；　that's　for　Brother
Hosea　and　hisn；　C；　Calvin　and　tribe。　　What's　left　is　these　two　lots
herejust　the　gem　of　the　whole　patch　for　general　style　and　outlook；
they're　for　me　and　my　folks；　and　you　and　yourn。　　Which　of　them　would　you
rather　be　buried　in？〃

〃I　swan；　you've　took　me　mighty　unexpected；　William！；　It　sort　of　started
the　shivers。　　Fact　is；　I　was　thinkin'　so　busy　about　makin'　things
comfortable　for　the　others；　I　hadn't　thought　about　being　buried　myself。〃

〃Life's　on'y　a　fleetin'　show；　John；　as　the　sayin'　is。　　We've　all　got　to
go；　sooner　or　later。　　To　go　with　a　clean　record's　the　main　thing。　　Fact
is；　it's　the　on'y　thing　worth　strivin'　for；　John。〃

〃Yes；　that's　so；　William；　that's　so；　there　ain't　no　getting　around　it。
Which　of　these　lots　would　you　recommend？〃

〃Well；　it　depends；　John。　　Are　you　particular　about　outlook？〃

〃I　don't　say　I　am；　William；　I　don't　say　I　ain't。　　Reely；　I　don't　know。
But　mainly；　I　reckon；　I'd　set　store　by　a　south　exposure。〃

〃That's　easy　fixed；　John。　　They're　both　south　exposure。　　They　take　the
sun；　and　the　Shorbs　get　the　shade。〃

〃How　about　site；　William？〃

〃D's　a　sandy　sile；　E's　mostly　loom。〃

〃You　may　gimme　E；　then；　William；　a　sandy　sile　caves　in；　more　or　less；　and
costs　for　repairs。〃

〃All　right；　set　your　name　down　here；　John；　under　E。　　Now；　if　you　don't
mind　payin'　me　your　share　of　the　fourteen　dollars；　John；　while　we're　on
the　business；　everything's　fixed。〃

After　some　Niggling　and　sharp　bargaining　the　money　was　paid；　and　John
bade　his　brother　good　night　and　took　his　leave。　　There　was　silence　for
some　moments；　then　a　soft　chuckle　welled　up　from　the　lonely　William；　and
he　muttered：　〃I　declare　for　't；　if　I　haven't　made　a　mistake！　　It's　D
that's　mostly　loom；　not　E。　　And　John's　booked　for　a　sandy　site　after
all。〃

There　was　another　soft　chuckle；　and　William　departed　to　his　rest　also。

The　next　day；　in　New　York；　was　a　hot　one。　　Still　we　managed　to　get　more
or　less　entertainment　out　of　it。　　Toward　the　middle　of　the　afternoon　we
arrived　on　board　the　stanch　steamship　Bermuda；　with　bag　and　baggage；　and
hunted　for　a　shady　place。　　It　was　blazing　summer　weather；　until　we　were
half…way　down　the　harbor。　　Then　I　buttoned　my　coat　closely；　half　an　hour
later　I　put　on　a　spring　overcoat　and　buttoned　that。　　As　we　passed　the
light…ship　I　added　an　ulster　and　tied　a　handkerchief　around　the　collar　to
hold　it　snug　to　my　neck。　　So　rapidly　had　the　summer　gone　and　winter　come
again？

By　nightfall　we　were　far　out　at　sea；　with　no　land　in　sight。　　No　telegrams
could　come　here；　no　letters；　no　news。　　This　was　an　uplifting　thought。　　It
was　still　more　uplifting　to　reflect　that　the　millions　of　harassed　people
on　shore　behind　us　were　suffering　just　as　usual。

The　next　day　brought　us　into　the　midst　of　the　Atlantic　solitudesout　of
smoke…colored　sounding　into　fathomless　deep　blue；　no　ships　visible
anywhere　over　the　wide　ocean；　no　company　but　Mother　Carey's　chickens
wheeling；　darting；　skimming　the　waves　in　the　sun。　　There　were　some
seafaring　men　among　the　passengers；　and　conversation　drifted　into　matter
concerning　ships　and　sailors。　　One　said　that　〃true　as　the　needle　to　the
pole〃　was　a　bad　figure；　since　the　needle　seldom　pointed　to　the　pole。
He　said　a　ship's　compass　was　not　faithful　to　any　particular　point；　but
was　the　most　fickle　and　treacherous　of　the　servants　of　man。　　It　was
forever　changing。　　It　changed　every　day　in　the　year；　consequently　the
amount　of　the　daily　variation　had　to　be　ciphered　out　and　allowance　made
for　it；　else　the　mariner　would　go　utterly　astray。　　Another　said　there　was
a　vast　fortune　waiting　for　the　genius　who　should　invent　a　compass　that
would　not　be　affected　by　the　local　influences　of　an　iron　ship。　　He　said
there　was　only　one　creature　more　fickle　than　a　wooden　ship's　compass；
and　that　was　the　compass　of　an　iron　ship。　　Then　came　reference　to　the
well　known　fact　that　an　experienced　mariner　can　look　at　the　compass　of　a
new　iron　vessel；　thousands　of　mile　from　her　birthplace；　and　tell　which
way　her　head　was　pointing　when　she　was　in　process　of　building。

Now　an　ancient　whale…ship　master　fell　to　talking　about　the　sort　of　crews
they　used　to　have　in　his　early　days。　　Said　he：

〃Sometimes　we'd　have　a　batch　of　college　students　Queer　lot。　　Ignorant？
Why；　they　didn't　know　the　catheads　from　the　main　brace。　　But　if　you　took
them　for　fools　you'd　get　bit；　sure。　　They'd　learn　more　in　a　month　than
another　man　would　in　a　year。　　We　had　one；　once；　in　the　Mary　Ann；　that
came　aboard　with　gold　spectacles　on。　　And　besides；　he　was　rigged　out　from
main　truck　to　keelson　in　the　nobbiest　clothes　that　ever　saw　a　fo'castle。
He　had　a　chestful；　too：　cloaks；　and　broadcloth　coats；　and　velvet　vests；
everything　swell；　you　know；　and　didn't　the　saltwater　fix　them　out　for
him？　　I　guess　not！　　Well；　going　to　sea；　the　mate　told　him　to　go　aloft　and
help　shake　out　the　foreto'gallants'l。　　Up　he　shins　to　the　foretop；　with
his　spectacles　on；　and　in　a　minute　down　he　comes　again；　looking　insulted。
Says　the　mate；　'What　did　you　come　down　for？'　Says　the　chap；　'P'r'aps　you
didn't　notice　that　there　ain't　any　ladders　above　there。'　　You　see　we
hadn't　any　shrouds　above　the　foretop。　　The　men　bursted　out　in　a　laugh
such　as　I　guess　you　never　heard　the　like　of。　　Next　night；　which　was　dark
and　rainy；　the　mate　ordered　this　chap　to　go　aloft　about　something；　and
I'm　dummed　if　he　didn't　start　up　with　an　umbrella　and　a　lantern！　　But　no
matter；　he　made　a　mighty　good　sailor　before　the　voyage　was　done；　and　we
had　to　hunt　up　something　else　to　laugh　at。　　Years　afterwards；　when　I　had
forgot　all　about　him；　I　comes　into　Boston；　mate　of　a　ship；　and　was
loafing　around　town　with　the　second　mate；　and　it　so　happened　that　we
stepped　into　the　Revere　House；　thinking　maybe　we　would　chance　the
salt…horse　in　that　big　diningroom　for　a　flyer；　as　the　boys　say。　　Some
fellows　were　talking　just　at　our　elbow；　and　one　says；　'Yonder's　the　new
governor　of　Massachusettsat　that　table　over　there　with　the　ladies。'
We　took　a　good　look　my　mate　and　I；　for　we　hadn't　either　of　us　ever　see　a
governor　before。　　I　looked　and　looked　at　that　face　and　then　all　of　a
sudden　it　popped　on　me！　　But　didn't　give　any　sign。　　Says　I；　'Mate；　I've　a
notion　to　go　over　and　shake　hands　with　him。'　　Says　he　'I　think　I　see　you
doing　it；　Tom。'　　Says　I；　'Mate　I'm　a…going　to　do　it。'　　Says　he；　'Oh；　yes；
I　guess　so。　　Maybe　you　don't　want　to　bet　you　will；　Tom？'　　Say　I；　'I　don't
mind　going　a　V　on　it；　mate。'　　Says　he　'Put　it　up。'　　'　Up　she　goes；'　says
I；　planking　the　cash。　　This　surprised　him。　　But　he　covered　it；　and　say。
pretty　sarcastic；　'Hadn't　you　better　take　your　grub　with　the　governor　and
the　ladies；　Tom？'　　Says　I　'Upon　second　thoughts；　I　will。'　　Says　he；　'Well
Tom；　you　aye　a　dum　fool。'　　Says　I；　'Maybe　I　am　maybe　I　ain't；　but　the
main　question　is；　do　you　wan　to　risk　two　and　a