memoirs of carwin the biloquist(卡尔维恩)-第6章
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perplexity and he commented on it in his usual manner。 How did I mean
to subsist； he asked； in my own country？ The means of living would be；
at least； as much within my reach there as here。 As to the pressure of
immediate and absolute want； he believed I should be exposed to little
hazard。 With talents such as mine； I must be hunted by a destiny
peculiarly malignant； if I could not provide myself with necessaries
wherever my lot were cast。
He would make allowances； however； for my diffidence and self…
distrust； and would obviate my fears by expressing his own intentions with
regard to me。 I must be apprized； however； of his true meaning。 He
laboured to shun all hurtful and vitious things； and therefore carefully
abstained from making or confiding ~~in promises~~。 It was just to
assist me in this voyage； and it would probably be equally just to continue
to me similar assistance when it was finished。 That indeed was a subject；
in a great degree； within my own cognizance。 His aid would be
proportioned to my wants and to my merits； and I had only to take care
that my claims were just； for them to be admitted。
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MEMOIRS OF CARWIN THE BILOQUIST ＇A fragment＇
This scheme could not but appear to me eligible。 I thirsted after an
acquaintance with new scenes； my present situation could not be changed
for a worse； I trusted to the constancy of Ludloe's friendship； to this at
least it was better to trust than to the success of my imposture on Dorothy；
which was adopted merely as a desperate expedient： finally I determined
to embark with him。
In the course of this voyage my mind was busily employed。 There
were no other passengers beside ourselves； so that my own condition and
the character of Ludloe； continually presented themselves to my
reflections。 It will be supposed that I was not a vague or indifferent
observer。
There were no vicissitudes in the deportment or lapses in the discourse
of my friend。 His feelings appeared to preserve an unchangeable tenor；
and his thoughts and words always to flow with the same rapidity。 His
slumber was profound and his wakeful hours serene。 He was regular and
temperate in all his exercises and gratifications。 Hence were derived his
clear perceptions and exuberant health。
This treatment of me； like all his other mental and corporal operations；
was modelled by one inflexible standard。 Certain scruples and delicacies
were incident to my situation。 Of the existence of these he seemed to be
unconscious； and yet nothing escaped him inconsistent with a state of
absolute equality。
I was naturally inquisitive as to his fortune and the collateral
circumstances of his condition。 My notions of politeness hindered me
from making direct inquiries。 By indirect means I could gather nothing
but that his state was opulent and independent； and that he had two sisters
whose situation resembled his own。
Though； in conversation； he appeared to be governed by the utmost
candour； no light was let in upon the former transactions of his life。 The
purpose of his visit to America I could merely guess to be the gratification
of curiosity。
My future pursuits must be supposed chiefly to occupy my attention。
On this head I was destitute of all stedfast views。 Without profession or
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MEMOIRS OF CARWIN THE BILOQUIST ＇A fragment＇
habits of industry or sources of permanent revenue； the world appeared to
me an ocean on which my bark was set afloat； without compass or sail。
The world into which I was about to enter； was untried and unknown； and
though I could consent to profit by the guidance I was unwilling to rely on
the support of others。
This topic being nearest my heart； I frequently introduced into
conversation with my friend； but on this subject he always allowed
himself to be led by me； while on all others； he was zealous to point the
way。 To every scheme that I proposed he was sure to cause objections。
All the liberal professions were censured as perverting the understanding；
by giving scope to the sordid motive of gain； or embuing the mind with
erroneous principles。 Skill was slowly obtained； and success； though
integrity and independence must be given for it； dubious and instable。
The mechanical trades were equally obnoxious； they were vitious by
contributing to the spurious gratifications of the rich and multiplying the
objects of luxury； they were destruction to the intellect and vigor of the
artizan； they enervated his frame and brutalized his mind。
When I pointed out to him the necessity of some species of labour； he
tacitly admitted that necessity； but refused to direct me in the choice of a
pursuit； which though not free from defect should yet have the fewest
inconveniences。 He dwelt on the fewness of our actual wants； the
temptations which attend the possession of wealth； the benefits of
seclusion and privacy； and the duty of unfettering our minds from the
prejudices which govern the world。
His discourse tended merely to unsettle my views and increase my
perplexity。 This effect was so uniform that I at length desisted from all
allusions to this theme and endeavoured to divert my own reflections from
it。 When our voyage should be finished； and I should actually tread this
new stage； I believed that I should be better qualified to judge of the
measures to be taken by me。
At length we reached Belfast。 From thence we immediately repaired
to Dublin。 I was admitted as a member of his family。 When I expressed
my uncertainty as to the place to which it would be proper for me to repair；
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MEMOIRS OF CARWIN THE BILOQUIST ＇A fragment＇
he gave me a blunt but cordial invitation to his house。 My circumstances
allowed me no option and I readily complied。 My attention was for a
time engrossed by a diversified succession of new objects。 Their novelty
however disappearing； left me at liberty to turn my eyes upon myself and
my companion； and here my reflections were supplied with abundant food。
His house was spacious and commodious； and furnished with
profusion and elegance。 A suit of apartments was assigned to me； in
which I was permitted to reign uncontroled and access was permitted to a
well furnished library。 My food was furnished in my own room；
prepared in the manner which I had previously directed。 Occasionally
Ludloe would request my company to breakfast； when an hour was usually
consumed in earnest or sprightly conversation。 At all other times he was
invisible； and his apartments； being wholly separate from mine； I had no
opportunity of discovering in what way his hours were employed。
He defended this mode of living as being most compatible with liberty。
He delighted to expatiate on the evils of cohabitation。 Men； subjected to
the same regimen； compelled to eat and sleep and associate at certain
hours； were strangers to all rational independence and liberty。 Society
would never be exempt from servitude and misery； till those artificial ties
which held human beings together under the same roof were dissolved。
He endeavoured to regulate his own conduct in pursuance of these
principles； and to secure to himself as much freedom as the present
regulations of society would permit。 The same independence which he
claimed for himself he likewise extended to me。 The distribution of my
own time； the selection of my own occupations and companions should
belong to myself。
But these privileges； though while listening to his arguments I could
not deny them to be valuable； I would have willingly dispensed with。
The solitude in which I lived became daily more painful。 I ate and drank；
enjoyed clothing and shelter； without the exercise of forethought or
industry； I walked and sat； went out and returned for as long and at what
seasons I thought proper； yet my condition was a fertile source of
discontent。
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MEMOIRS OF CARWIN THE BILOQUIST ＇A fragment＇
I felt myself removed to a comfortless and chilling distance from
Ludloe。 I wanted to share in his occupations and views。 With all his
ingenuousness of aspect and overflow of thoughts； when he allowed me
his company； I felt myself painfully bewildered with regard to his genuine
condition and sentiments。
He had it in his power to introduce me to society； and without an
introduction； it was scarcely possible to gain access to any social circle or
domestic fireside。 Add to this； my own obscure prospects and dubious
situation。 Some regular intellectual pursuit would render my state less
irksome； but I had hitherto adopted no scheme of this kind。
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MEMOIRS OF CARWIN THE BILOQUIST ＇A fragment＇
Chapter V。
Time tended； in no degree； to alleviate my dissatisfaction。 It increased
till the determination became at length formed of opening my thoughts to
Ludloe。 At the next breakfast interview which took place； I introduced
the subject； and expatiated without reserve； on the state of my
