memoirs of carwin the biloquist(卡尔维恩)-第15章
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returned at the time appointed。 He informed me that Mrs。 Benington
expected me next morning。 She was ready to depart for her country
residence； where she proposed to spend the ensuing summer； and would
carry me along with her。 In consequence of this arrangement； he said；
many months would elapse before he should see me again。 You will
indeed； continued he； be pretty much shut up from all society。 Your
books and your new friend will be your chief； if not only companions。
Her life is not a social one； because she has formed extravagant notions of
the importance of lonely worship and devout solitude。 Much of her time
will be spent in meditation upon pious books in her closet。 Some of it in
long solitary rides in her coach； for the sake of exercise。 Little will
remain for eating and sleeping； so that unless you can prevail upon her to
violate her ordinary rules for your sake； you will be left pretty much to
yourself。 You will have the more time to reflect upon what has hitherto
been the theme of our conversations。 You can come to town when you
want to see me。 I shall generally be found in these apartments。
In the present state of my mind； though impatient to see Mrs。
Benington； I was still more impatient to remove the veil between Ludlow
and myself。 After some pause； I ventured to enquire if there was any
impediment to my advancement in the road he had already pointed out to
my curiosity and ambition。
He replied； with great solemnity； that I was already acquainted with
the next step to be taken in this road。 If I was prepared to make him my
confessor； as to the past； the present； and the future； ~~without exception
or condition~~； but what arose from defect of memory； he was willing to
receive my confession。
I declared myself ready to do so。
I need not； he returned； remind you of the consequences of
concealment or deceit。 I have already dwelt upon these consequences。
As to the past； you have already told me； perhaps； all that is of any
moment to know。 It is in relation to the future that caution will be chiefly
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MEMOIRS OF CARWIN THE BILOQUIST ＇A fragment＇
necessary。 Hitherto your actions have been nearly indifferent to the ends
of your future existence。 Confessions of the past are required； because
they are an earnest of the future character and conduct。 Have you then
but this is too abrupt。 Take an hour to reflect and deliberate。 Go by
yourself； take yourself to severe task； and make up your mind with a full；
entire； and unfailing resolution； for the moment in which you assume this
new obligation will make you a new being。 Perdition or felicity will hang
upon that moment。
This conversation was late in the evening。 After I had consented to
postpone this subject； we parted； he telling me that he would leave his
chamber door open； and as soon as my mind was made up I might come to
him。
*The reader must be reminded that the incidents of this narrative are
supposed to have taken place before the voyages of Bougainville and
Cook。Editor。
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MEMOIRS OF CARWIN THE BILOQUIST ＇A fragment＇
Chapter X。
I retired accordingly to my apartment； and spent the prescribed hour
in anxious and irresolute reflections。 They were no other than had
hitherto occurred； but they occurred with more force than ever。 Some
fatal obstinacy； however； got possession of me； and I persisted in the
resolution of concealing ~~one thing~~。 We become fondly attached to
objects and pursuits； frequently for no conceivable reason but the pain and
trouble they cost us。 In proportion to the danger in which they involve us
do we cherish them。 Our darling potion is the poison that scorches our
vitals。
After some time； I went to Ludloe's apartment。 I found him solemn；
and yet benign； at my entrance。 After intimating my compliance with the
terms prescribed； which I did； in spite of all my labour for composure；
with accents half faultering； he proceeded to put various questions to me；
relative to my early history。
I knew there was no other mode of accomplishing the end in view； but
by putting all that was related in the form of answers to questions； and
when meditating on the character of Ludloe； I experienced excessive
uneasiness as to the consummate art and penetration which his questions
would manifest。 Conscious of a purpose to conceal； my fancy invested
my friend with the robe of a judicial inquisitor； all whose questions should
aim at extracting the truth； and entrapping the liar。
In this respect； however； I was wholly disappointed。 All his inquiries
were general and obvious。They betokened curiosity； but not suspicion；
yet there were moments when I saw； or fancied I saw； some dissatisfaction
betrayed in his features； and when I arrived at that period of my story
which terminated with my departure； as his companion； for Europe； his
pauses were； I thought； a little longer and more museful than I liked。 At
this period； our first conference ended。 After a talk； which had
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MEMOIRS OF CARWIN THE BILOQUIST ＇A fragment＇
commenced at a late hour； and had continued many hours； it was time to
sleep； and it was agreed that next morning the conference should be
renewed。
On retiring to my pillow； and reviewing all the circumstances of this
interview； my mind was filled with apprehension and disquiet。 I seemed
to recollect a thousand things； which showed that Ludloe was not fully
satisfied with my part in this interview。 A strange and nameless mixture of
wrath and of pity appeared； on recollection； in the glances which； from
time to time； he cast upon me。 Some emotion played upon his features；
in which； as my fears conceived； there was a tincture of resentment and
ferocity。 In vain I called my usual sophistries to my aid。 In vain I
pondered on the inscrutable nature of my peculiar faculty。 In vain I
endeavoured to persuade myself； that； by telling the truth； instead of
entitling myself to Ludloe's approbation； I should only excite his anger； by
what he could not but deem an attempt to impose upon his belief an
incredible tale of impossible events。 I had never heard or read of any
instance of this faculty。 I supposed the case to be absolutely singular； and
I should be no more entitled to credit in proclaiming it； than if I should
maintain that a certain billet of wood possessed the faculty of articulate
speech。 It was now； however； too late to retract。 I had been guilty of a
solemn and deliberate concealment。 I was now in the path in which there
was no turning back； and I must go forward。
The return of day's encouraging beams in some degree quieted my
nocturnal terrors； and I went； at the appointed hour； to Ludloe's presence。
I found him with a much more cheerful aspect than I expected； and began
to chide myself； in secret； for the folly of my late apprehensions。
After a little pause； he reminded me； that he was only one among
many； engaged in a great and arduous design。 As each of us； continued
he； is mortal； each of us must； in time； yield his post to another。Each of
us is ambitious to provide himself a successor； to have his place filled by
one selected and instructed by himself。 All our personal feelings and
affections are by no means intended to be swallowed up by a passion for
the general interest； when they can be kept alive and be brought into play；
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MEMOIRS OF CARWIN THE BILOQUIST ＇A fragment＇
in subordination and subservience to the ~~great end~~； they are
cherished as useful； and revered as laudable； and whatever austerity and
rigour you may impute to my character； there are few more susceptible of
personal regards than I am。
You cannot know； till ~~you~~ are what ~~I~~ am； what deep； what
all…absorbing interest I have in the success of my tutorship on this
occasion。 Most joyfully would I embrace a thousand deaths； rather than
that you should prove a recreant。 The consequences of any failure in
your integrity will； it is true； be fatal to yourself： but there are some
minds； of a generous texture； who are more impatient under ills they have
inflicted upon others； than of those they have brought upon themselves；
who had rather perish； themselves； in infamy； than bring infamy or death
upon a benefactor。
Perhaps of such noble materials is your mind composed。 If I had not
thought so； you would never have been an object of my regard； and
therefore； in the motives that shall impel you to fidelity； sincerity； and
perseverance； some regard to my happiness and welfare will； no doubt；
have place。
And yet I exact nothing from you on this score。 If your own safety
be insufficient to controul you； you are not fit for us。 There is； indeed；
abundant need of all possible inducements to make you faithful。 The
task of concealing nothing from me must be easy。 That of concealing
every thing from others must be the only arduous one。
