the magic skin-第21章

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have　copied　the　example　of　some　prince　of　Lorraine；　and　held　a　live

coal　in　the　hollow　of　my　hand；　if　her　fingers　passed　caressingly

through　my　hair　the　while。　I　felt　no　longer　mere　admiration　and

desire：　I　was　under　the　spell；　I　had　met　my　destiny。　When　back　again

under　my　own　roof；　I　still　vaguely　saw　Foedora　in　her　own　home；　and

had　some　indefinable　share　in　her　life；　if　she　felt　ill；　I　suffered

too。　The　next　day　I　used　to　say　to　her：



〃　'You　were　not　well　yesterday。'



〃How　often　has　she　not　stood　before　me；　called　by　the　power　of

ecstasy；　in　the　silence　of　the　night！　Sometimes　she　would　break　in

upon　me　like　a　ray　of　light；　make　me　drop　my　pen；　and　put　science　and

study　to　flight　in　grief　and　alarm；　as　she　compelled　my　admiration　by

the　alluring　pose　I　had　seen　but　a　short　time　before。　Sometimes　I　went

to　seek　her　in　the　spirit　world；　and　would　bow　down　to　her　as　to　a

hope；　entreating　her　to　let　me　hear　the　silver　sounds　of　her　voice；

and　I　would　wake　at　length　in　tears。



〃Once；　when　she　had　promised　to　go　to　the　theatre　with　me；　she　took　it

suddenly　into　her　head　to　refuse　to　go　out；　and　begged　me　to　leave　her

alone。　I　was　in　such　despair　over　the　perversity　which　cost　me　a　day's

work；　and　（if　I　must　confess　it）　my　last　shilling　as　well；　that　I　went

alone　where　she　was　to　have　been；　desiring　to　see　the　play　she　had

wished　to　see。　I　had　scarcely　seated　myself　when　an　electric　shock

went　through　me。　A　voice　told　me；　'She　is　here！'　I　looked　round；　and

saw　the　countess　hidden　in　the　shadow　at　the　back　of　her　box　in　the

first　tier。　My　look　did　not　waver；　my　eyes　saw　her　at　once　with

incredible　clearness；　my　soul　hovered　about　her　life　like　an　insect

above　its　flower。　How　had　my　senses　received　this　warning？　There　is

something　in　these　inward　tremors　that　shallow　people　find

astonishing；　but　the　phenomena　of　our　inner　consciousness　are　produced

as　simple　as　those　of　external　vision；　so　I　was　not　surprised；　but

much　vexed。　My　studies　of　our　mental　faculties；　so　little　understood；

helped　me　at　any　rate　to　find　in　my　own　excitement　some　living　proofs

of　my　theories。　There　was　something　exceedingly　odd　in　this

combination　of　lover　and　man　of　science；　of　downright　idolatry　of　a

woman　with　the　love　of　knowledge。　The　causes　of　the　lover's　despair

were　highly　interesting　to　the　man　of　science；　and　the　exultant　lover；

on　the　other　hand；　put　science　far　away　from　him　in　his　joy。　Foedora

saw　me；　and　grew　grave：　I　annoyed　her。　I　went　to　her　box　during　the

first　interval；　and　finding　her　alone；　I　stayed　there。　Although　we　had

not　spoken　of　love；　I　foresaw　an　explanation。　I　had　not　told　her　my

secret；　still　there　was　a　kind　of　understanding　between　us。　She　used

to　tell　me　her　plans　for　amusement；　and　on　the　previous　evening　had

asked　with　friendly　eagerness　if　I　meant　to　call　the　next　day。　After

any　witticism　of　hers；　she　would　give　me　an　inquiring　glance；　as　if

she　had　sought　to　please　me　alone　by　it。　She　would　soothe　me　if　I　was

vexed；　and　if　she　pouted；　I　had　in　some　sort　a　right　to　ask　an

explanation。　Before　she　would　pardon　any　blunder；　she　would　keep　me　a

suppliant　for　long。　All　these　things　that　we　so　relished；　were　so　many

lovers'　quarrels。　What　arch　grace　she　threw　into　it　all！　and　what

happiness　it　was　to　me！



〃But　now　we　stood　before　each　other　as　strangers；　with　the　close

relation　between　us　both　suspended。　The　countess　was　glacial：　a

presentiment　of　trouble　filled　me。



〃　'Will　you　come　home　with　me？'　she　said；　when　the　play　was　over。



〃There　had　been　a　sudden　change　in　the　weather；　and　sleet　was　falling

in　showers　as　we　went　out。　Foedora's　carriage　was　unable　to　reach　the

doorway　of　the　theatre。　At　the　sight　of　a　well…dressed　woman　about　to

cross　the　street；　a　commissionaire　held　an　umbrella　above　us；　and

stood　waiting　at　the　carriage…door　for　his　tip。　I　would　have　given　ten

years　of　life　just　then　for　a　couple　of　halfpence；　but　I　had　not　a

penny。　All　the　man　in　me　and　all　my　vainest　susceptibilities　were

wrung　with　an　infernal　pain。　The　words；　'I　haven't　a　penny　about　me；

my　good　fellow！'　came　from　me　in　the　hard　voice　of　thwarted　passion；

and　yet　I　was　that　man's　brother　in　misfortune；　as　I　knew　too　well；

and　once　I　had　so　lightly　paid　away　seven　hundred　thousand　francs！　The

footman　pushed　the　man　aside；　and　the　horses　sprang　forward。　As　we

returned；　Foedora；　in　real　or　feigned　abstraction；　answered　all　my

questions　curtly　and　by　monosyllables。　I　said　no　more；　it　was　a

hateful　moment。　When　we　reached　her　house；　we　seated　ourselves　by　the

hearth；　and　when　the　servant　had　stirred　the　fire　and　left　us　alone；

the　countess　turned　to　me　with　an　inexplicable　expression；　and　spoke。

Her　manner　was　almost　solemn。



〃　'Since　my　return　to　France；　more　than　one　young　man；　tempted　by　my

money；　has　made　proposals　to　me　which　would　have　satisfied　my　pride。　I

have　come　across　men；　too；　whose　attachment　was　so　deep　and　sincere

that　they　might　have　married　me　even　if　they　had　found　me　the

penniless　girl　I　used　to　be。　Besides　these；　Monsieur　de　Valentin；　you

must　know　that　new　titles　and　newly…acquired　wealth　have　been　also

offered　to　me；　and　that　I　have　never　received　again　any　of　those　who

were　so　ill…advised　as　to　mention　love　to　me。　If　my　regard　for　you　was

but　slight；　I　would　not　give　you　this　warning；　which　is　dictated　by

friendship　rather　than　by　pride。　A　woman　lays　herself　open　to　a　rebuff

of　some　kind；　if　she　imagines　herself　to　be　loved；　and　declines；

before　it　is　uttered；　to　listen　to　language　which　in　its　nature

implies　a　compliment。　I　am　well　acquainted　with　the　parts　played　by

Arsinoe　and　Araminta；　and　with　the　sort　of　answer　I　might　look　for

under　such　circumstances；　but　I　hope　to…day　that　I　shall　not　find

myself　misconstrued　by　a　man　of　no　ordinary　character；　because　I　have

frankly　spoken　my　mind。'



〃She　spoke　with　the　cool　self…possession　of　some　attorney　or　solicitor

explaining　the　nature　of　a　contract　or　the　conduct　of　a　lawsuit　to　a

client。　There　was　not　the　least　sign　of　feeling　in　the　clear　soft

tones　of　her　voice。　Her　steady　face　and　dignified　bearing　seemed　to　me

now　full　of　diplomatic　reserve　and　coldness。　She　had　planned　this

scene；　no　doubt；　and　carefully　chosen　her　words　beforehand。　Oh；　my

friend；　there　are　women　who　take　pleasure　in　piercing　hearts；　and

deliberately　plunge　the　dagger　back　again　into　the　wound；　such　women

as　these　cannot　but　be　worshiped；　for　such　women　either　love　or　would

fain　be　loved。　A　day　comes　when　they　make　amends　for　all　the　pain　they

gave　us；　they　repay　us　for　the　pangs；　the　keenness　of　which　they

recognize；　in　joys　a　hundred…fold；　even　as　God；　they　tell　us；

recompenses　our　good　works。　Does　not　their　perversity　spring　from　the

strength　of　their　feelings？　But　to　be　so　tortured　by　a　woman；　who

slaughters　you　with　indifference！　was　not　the　suffering　hideous？



〃Foedora　did　not　know　it；　but　in　that　minute　she　trampled　all　my　hopes

beneath　her　feet；　she　maimed　my　life　and　she　blighted　my　future　with

the　cool　indifference　and　unconscious　barbarity　of　an　inquisitive

child　who　plucks　its　wings　from　a　butterfly。



〃　'Later　on；'　resumed　Foedora；　'you　will　learn；　I　hope；　the　stability

of　the　affection　that　I　keep　for　my　friends。　You　will　always　find　that

I　have　devotion　and　kindness　for　them。　I　would　give　my　life　to　serve

my　friends；　but　you　could　only　despise　me；　if　I　allowed　them　to　make

love　to　me　without　return。　That　is　enough。　You　are　the　only　man　to

whom　I　have　spoken　such　words　as　these　last。'



〃At　first　I　could　not　speak；　or　master　the　tempest　that　arose　within

me；　but　I　soon　repressed　my　emotions　in　the　depths　of　my　soul；　and

began　to　smile。



〃　'If　I　own　that　I　love　you；'　I　said；　'you　will　banish　me　at　once；　if

I　plead　guilty　to　indifference；　you　will　make　me　suffer　for　it。　Women；

magistrates；　and　priests　never　quite　lay　the　gown　aside。　Silence　is

non…committal；　be　pleased　then；　madame；　to　approve　my　silence。　You

must　have　feared；　in　some　degree；　to　lose　me；　or　I　should　not　have

received　this　friendly　admonition；　and　with　that　thought　my　pride

ought　to　be　satisfied。　Let　us　banish　all　personal　considerations。　You

are　perhaps　the　only　woman　with　whom　I　could　discuss　rationally　a

resolution　so　contrary　to　the　laws　of　nature。　Considered　with　regard

to　your　species；　you　are　a　prodigy。　Now　let　us　investigate；　in　good

faith；　the　causes　of　this　psychological　anomaly。　Does　there　exist　in

you；　as　in　many　women；　a　certain　pride　in　self；　a　love　of　your　own

loveliness；　a　refinement　of　egoism　which　makes　you　shudder　at　the　idea

of　belonging　to　another；　is　it　the　thought　of　resigning　your　own　will

and　submitting　to　a　superiority；　though　only　of　convention；　which

displeases　you？　You　would　seem　to　me　a　thousand　times　fairer　for　it。

Can　love　formerly　have　brought　you　suffering？　You　probably　set　some

value　on　your　dainty　figure　and　graceful　appearance；　and　may　perhaps

wish　to　avoid　the　disfigurements　of　maternity。　Is　not　this　one　of　your

strongest　reasons　for　refusing　a　too　importunate　love？　Some　natural

defect　perhaps　makes　you　insusceptible　in　spite　of　yourself？　Do　not　be

angry；　my　study；　my　inquiry　is　absolutely　dispassionate。　Some　are　born

blind；　and　nature　may　easily　have　formed　women　who　in　like　manner　are

blind；　deaf；　and　dumb　to　love。　You　are　really　an　interesting　subject

for　medical　investigation。　You　do　not　know　your　value。　You　feel

perhaps　a　very　legitimate　distaste　for　mankind；　in　that　I　quite　concur

to　me　they　all　seem　ugly　and　detestable。　And　you　are　right；'　I

added；　feeling　my　heart　swell　within　me；　'how　can　you　do　otherwise

than　despise　us？　There　is　not　a　man　living　who　is　worthy　of　you。'



〃I　will　not　repeat　all　the　biting　words　with　which　I　ridiculed　her。　In

vain；　my　bitterest　sarcasms　and　keenest　irony　never　made　her　wince　nor

elicited　a　sign　of　vexation。　She　heard　me；　with　the　customary　smile

upon　her　lips　and　in　her　eyes；　the　smile　that　she　wore　as　a　part　of

her　clothing；　and　that　never　varied　for　friends；　for　mere

acquaintances；　or　for　strangers。



〃　'Isn't　it　very　nice　of　me　to　allow　you　to　dissect　me　like　this？'　she

said　at　last；　as　I　came　to　a　temporary　standstill；　and　looked　at　her

in　silence。　'You　see；'　she　went　on；　laughing；　'that　I　have　no　foolish

over…sensitiveness　about　my　friendship。　Many　a　woman　would　shut　her

door　on　you　by　way　of　punishing　you　for　your　impertinence。'



〃　'You　could　banish　me　without　needing　to　give　me　the　reasons　for　your

harshness。'　As　I　spoke　I　felt　that　I　could　kill　her　if　she　dismissed

me。



〃　'You　are　mad；'　she　said；　smiling　still。



〃　'Did　you　never　think；'　I　went　on；　'of　the　effects　of　passionate

love？　A　desperate　man　has　often　murdered　his　mistress。'



〃　'It　is　better　to　die　than　to　live　in　misery；'　she　said　coolly。　'Such

a　man　as　that　would　run　through　his　wife's　money；　desert　her；　and

leave　her　at　last　in　utter　wretchedness。'



〃This　c