the magic skin-第15章

按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！



evasions；　philosophical；　philanthropic；　and　political　considerations

would　not　fail　me　now；　to　hinder　the　perpetration　of　what　my　solicitor

termed　a　'folly'；　but　at　one…and…twenty；　I　repeat；　we　are　all　aglow

with　generosity　and　affection。　The　tears　that　stood　in　my　father's

eyes　were　to　me　the　most　splendid　of　fortunes；　and　the　thought　of

those　tears　has　often　soothed　my　sorrow。　Ten　months　after　he　had　paid

his　creditors；　my　father　died　of　grief；　I　was　his　idol；　and　he　had

ruined　me！　The　thought　killed　him。　Towards　the　end　of　the　autumn　of

1826；　at　the　age　of　twenty…two；　I　was　the　sole　mourner　at　his

gravesidethe　grave　of　my　father　and　my　earliest　friend。　Not　many

young　men　have　found　themselves　alone　with　their　thoughts　as　they

followed　a　hearse；　or　have　seen　themselves　lost　in　crowded　Paris；　and

without　money　or　prospects。　Orphans　rescued　by　public　charity　have　at

any　rate　the　future　of　the　battlefield　before　them；　and　find　a　shelter

in　some　institution　and　a　father　in　the　government　or　in　the　procureur

du　roi。　I　had　nothing。



〃Three　months　later；　an　agent　made　over　to　me　eleven　hundred　and

twelve　francs；　the　net　proceeds　of　the　winding　up　of　my　father's

affairs。　Our　creditors　had　driven　us　to　sell　our　furniture。　From　my

childhood　I　had　been　used　to　set　a　high　value　on　the　articles　of

luxury　about　us；　and　I　could　not　help　showing　my　astonishment　at　the

sight　of　this　meagre　balance。



〃　'Oh；　rococo；　all　of　it！'　said　the　auctioneer。　A　terrible　word　that

fell　like　a　blight　on　the　sacred　memories　of　my　childhood；　and

dispelled　my　earliest　illusions；　the　dearest　of　all。　My　entire　fortune

was　comprised　in　this　'account　rendered；'　my　future　lay　in　a　linen　bag

with　eleven　hundred　and　twelve　francs　in　it；　human　society　stood

before　me　in　the　person　of　an　auctioneer's　clerk；　who　kept　his　hat　on

while　he　spoke。　Jonathan；　an　old　servant　who　was　much　attached　to　me；

and　whom　my　mother　had　formerly　pensioned　with　an　annuity　of　four

hundred　francs；　spoke　to　me　as　I　was　leaving　the　house　that　I　had　so

often　gaily　left　for　a　drive　in　my　childhood。



〃　'Be　very　economical；　Monsieur　Raphael！'



〃The　good　fellow　was　crying。



〃Such　were　the　events；　dear　Emile；　that　ruled　my　destinies；　moulded　my

character；　and　set　me；　while　still　young；　in　an　utterly　false　social

position；〃　said　Raphael　after　a　pause。　〃Family　ties；　weak　ones；　it　is

true；　bound　me　to　a　few　wealthy　houses；　but　my　own　pride　would　have

kept　me　aloof　from　them　if　contempt　and　indifference　had　not　shut

their　doors　on　me　in　the　first　place。　I　was　related　to　people　who　were

very　influential；　and　who　lavished　their　patronage　on　strangers；　but　I

found　neither　relations　nor　patrons　in　them。　Continually　circumscribed

in　my　affections；　they　recoiled　upon　me。　Unreserved　and　simple　by

nature；　I　must　have　appeared　frigid　and　sophisticated。　My　father's

discipline　had　destroyed　all　confidence　in　myself。　I　was　shy　and

awkward；　I　could　not　believe　that　my　opinion　carried　any　weight

whatever；　I　took　no　pleasure　in　myself；　I　thought　myself　ugly；　and　was

ashamed　to　meet　my　own　eyes。　In　spite　of　the　inward　voice　that　must　be

the　stay　of　a　man　with　anything　in　him；　in　all　his　struggles；　the

voice　that　cries；　'Courage！　Go　forward！'　in　spite　of　sudden

revelations　of　my　own　strength　in　my　solitude；　in　spite　of　the　hopes

that　thrilled　me　as　I　compared　new　works；　that　the　public　admired　so

much；　with　the　schemes　that　hovered　in　my　brain；in　spite　of　all

this；　I　had　a　childish　mistrust　of　myself。



〃An　overweening　ambition　preyed　upon　me；　I　believed　that　I　was　meant

for　great　things；　and　yet　I　felt　myself　to　be　nothing。　I　had　need　of

other　men；　and　I　was　friendless。　I　found　I　must　make　my　way　in　the

world；　where　I　was　quite　alone；　and　bashful；　rather　than　afraid。



〃All　through　the　year　in　which；　by　my　father's　wish；　I　threw　myself

into　the　whirlpool　of　fashionable　society；　I　came　away　with　an

inexperienced　heart；　and　fresh　in　mind。　Like　every　grown　child；　I

sighed　in　secret　for　a　love　affair。　I　met；　among　young　men　of　my　own

age；　a　set　of　swaggerers　who　held　their　heads　high；　and　talked　about

trifles　as　they　seated　themselves　without　a　tremor　beside　women　who

inspired　awe　in　me。　They　chattered　nonsense；　sucked　the　heads　of　their

canes；　gave　themselves　affected　airs；　appropriated　the　fairest　women；

and　laid；　or　pretended　that　they　had　laid　their　heads　on　every　pillow。

Pleasure；　seemingly；　was　at　their　beck　and　call；　they　looked　on　the

most　virtuous　and　prudish　as　an　easy　prey；　ready　to　surrender　at　a

word；　at　the　slightest　impudent　gesture　or　insolent　look。　I　declare；

on　my　soul　and　conscience；　that　the　attainment　of　power；　or　of　a　great

name　in　literature；　seemed　to　me　an　easier　victory　than　a　success　with

some　young；　witty；　and　gracious　lady　of　high　degree。



〃So　I　found　the　tumult　of　my　heart；　my　feelings；　and　my　creeds　all　at

variance　with　the　axioms　of　society。　I　had　plenty　of　audacity　in　my

character；　but　none　in　my　manner。　Later；　I　found　out　that　women　did

not　like　to　be　implored。　I　have　from　afar　adored　many　a　one　to　whom　I

devoted　a　soul　proof　against　all　tests；　a　heart　to　break；　energy　that

shrank　from　no　sacrifice　and　from　no　torture；　THEY　accepted　fools　whom

I　would　not　have　engaged　as　hall　porters。　How　often；　mute　and

motionless；　have　I　not　admired　the　lady　of　my　dreams；　swaying　in　the

dance；　given　up　my　life　in　thought　to　one　eternal　caress；　expressed

all　my　hopes　in　a　look；　and　laid　before　her；　in　my　rapture；　a　young

man's　love；　which　should　outstrip　all　fables。　At　some　moments　I　was

ready　to　barter　my　whole　life　for　one　single　night。　Well；　as　I　could

never　find　a　listener　for　my　impassioned　proposals；　eyes　to　rest　my

own　upon；　a　heart　made　for　my　heart；　I　lived　on　in　all　the　sufferings

of　impotent　force　that　consumes　itself；　lacking　either　opportunity　or

courage　or　experience。　I　despaired；　maybe；　of　making　myself

understood；　or　I　feared　to　be　understood　but　too　well；　and　yet　the

storm　within　me　was　ready　to　burst　at　every　chance　courteous　look。　In

spite　of　my　readiness　to　take　the　semblance　of　interest　in　look　or

word　for　a　tenderer　solicitude；　I　dared　neither　to　speak　nor　to　be

silent　seasonably。　My　words　grew　insignificant；　and　my　silence　stupid；

by　sheer　stress　of　emotion。　I　was　too　ingenuous；　no　doubt；　for　that

artificial　life；　led　by　candle…light；　where　every　thought　is　expressed

in　conventional　phrases；　or　by　words　that　fashion　dictates；　and　not

only　so；　I　had　not　learned　how　to　employ　speech　that　says　nothing；　and

silence　that　says　a　great　deal。　In　short；　I　concealed　the　fires　that

consumed　me；　and　with　such　a　soul　as　women　wish　to　find；　with　all　the

elevation　of　soul　that　they　long　for；　and　a　mettle　that　fools　plume

themselves　upon；　all　women　have　been　cruelly　treacherous　to　me。



〃So　in　my　simplicity　I　admired　the　heroes　of　this　set　when　they

bragged　about　their　conquests；　and　never　suspected　them　of　lying。　No

doubt　it　was　a　mistake　to　wish　for　a　love　that　springs　for　a　word's

sake；　to　expect　to　find　in　the　heart　of　a　vain；　frivolous　woman；

greedy　for　luxury　and　intoxicated　with　vanity；　the　great　sea　of

passion　that　surged　tempestuously　in　my　own　breast。　Oh！　to　feel　that

you　were　born　to　love；　to　make　some　woman's　happiness；　and　yet　to　find

not　one；　not　even　a　noble　and　courageous　Marceline；　not　so　much　as　an

old　Marquise！　Oh！　to　carry　a　treasure　in　your　wallet；　and　not　find

even　some　child；　or　inquisitive　young　girl；　to　admire　it！　In　my

despair　I　often　wished　to　kill　myself。〃



〃Finely　tragical　to…night！〃　cried　Emile。



〃Let　me　pass　sentence　on　my　life；〃　Raphael　answered。　〃If　your

friendship　is　not　strong　enough　to　bear　with　my　elegy；　if　you　cannot

put　up　with　half　an　hour's　tedium　for　my　sake；　go　to　sleep！　But；　then；

never　ask　again　for　the　reason　of　suicide　that　hangs　over　me；　that

comes　nearer　and　calls　to　me；　that　I　bow　myself　before。　If　you　are　to

judge　a　man；　you　must　know　his　secret　thoughts；　sorrows；　and　feelings；

to　know　merely　the　outward　events　of　a　man's　life　would　only　serve　to

make　a　chronological　tablea　fool's　notion　of　history。〃



Emile　was　so　much　struck　with　the　bitter　tones　in　which　these　words

were　spoken；　that　he　began　to　pay　close　attention　to　Raphael；　whom　he

watched　with　a　bewildered　expression。



〃Now；〃　continued　the　speaker；　〃all　these　things　that　befell　me　appear

in　a　new　light。　The　sequence　of　events　that　I　once　thought　so

unfortunate　created　the　splendid　powers　of　which；　later；　I　became　so

proud。　If　I　may　believe　you；　I　possess　the　power　of　readily　expressing

my　thoughts；　and　I　could　take　a　forward　place　in　the　great　field　of

knowledge；　and　is　not　this　the　result　of　scientific　curiosity；　of

excessive　application；　and　a　love　of　reading　which　possessed　me　from

the　age　of　seven　till　my　entry　on　life？　The　very　neglect　in　which　I

was　left；　and　the　consequent　habits　of　self…repression　and　self…

concentration；　did　not　these　things　teach　me　how　to　consider　and

reflect？　Nothing　in　me　was　squandered　in　obedience　to　the　exactions　of

the　world；　which　humble　the　proudest　soul　and　reduce　it　to　a　mere

husk；　and　was　it　not　this　very　fact　that　refined　the　emotional　part　of

my　nature　till　it　became　the　perfected　instrument　of　a　loftier　purpose

than　passionate　desires？　I　remember　watching　the　women　who　mistook　me

with　all　the　insight　of　contemned　love。



〃I　can　see　now　that　my　natural　sincerity　must　have　been　displeasing　to

them；　women；　perhaps；　even　require　a　little　hypocrisy。　And　I；　who　in

the　same　hour's　space　am　alternately　a　man　and　a　child；　frivolous　and

thoughtful；　free　from　bias　and　brimful　of　superstition；　and　oftentimes

myself　as　much　a　woman　as　any　of　them；　how　should　they　do　otherwise

than　take　my　simplicity　for　cynicism；　my　innocent　candor　for

impudence？　They　found　my　knowledge　tiresome；　my　feminine　languor；

weakness。　I　was　held　to　be　listless　and　incapable　of　love　or　of　steady

purpose；　a　too　active　imagination；　that　curse　of　poets；　was　no　doubt

the　cause。　My　silence　was　idiotic；　and　as　I　daresay　I　alarmed　them　by

my　efforts　to　please；　women　one　and　all　have　condemned　me。　With　tears

and　mortification；　I　bowed　before　the　decision　of　the　world；　but　my

distress　was　not　barren。　I　determined　to　revenge　myself　on　society；　I

would　dominate　the　feminine　intellect；　and　so　have　the　feminine　soul

at　my　mercy；　all　eyes　should　be　fixed　upon　me；　when　the　servant　at　the

door　announced　my　name。　I　had　determined　from　my　childhood　that　I

would　be　a　great　man；　I　said　with　Andre　Chenier；　as　I　struck　my

forehead；　'There　is　something　underneath　that！'　I　felt；　I　believed；

the　thought　within　me　that　I　must　express；　the　system　I　must

establish；　the　knowledge　I　must　interpret。



〃Let　me　pour　out　my　follies；　dear　Emile；　to…day　I　am　barely　twenty…six

years　old；　certain　of　dying　unrecognized；　and　I　have　never　been　the

lover　of　the　woman　I　dreamed　of　possessing。　Have　we　not　all　of　us；

more　or　le