anecdotes of the late samuel johnson-第13章

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relating　the　history　of　a　hurricane　that　happened　about　that　time　in　the　West　Indies；　where；　for　aught　I　know；　he　had　himself　lost　some　friends　too；　he　observed　Dr。　Johnson　believed　not　a　syllable　of　the　account。　　〃For　'tis　SO　easy；〃　says　he；　〃for　a　man　to　fill　his　mouth　with　a　wonder；　and　run　about　telling　the　lie　before　it　can　be　detected；　that　I　have　no　heart　to　believe　hurricanes　easily　raised　by　the　first　inventor；　and　blown　forwards　by　thousands　more。〃　　I　asked　him　once　if　he　believed　the　story　of　the　destruction　of　Lisbon　by　an　earthquake　when　it　first　happened。　　〃Oh！　not　for　six　months；〃　said　he；　〃at　least。　　I　DID　think　that　story　too　dreadful　to　be　credited；　and　can　hardly　yet　persuade　myself　that　it　was　true　to　the　full　extent　we　all　of　us　have　heard。〃

Among　the　numberless　people；　however；　whom　I　heard　him　grossly　and　flatly　contradict；　I　never　yet　saw　any　one　who　did　not　take　it　patiently　excepting　Dr。　Burney；　from　whose　habitual　softness　of　manners　I　little　expected　such　an　exertion　of　spirit；　the　event　was　as　little　to　be　expected。　　Mr。　Johnson　asked　his　pardon　generously　and　genteelly；　and　when　he　left　the　room；　rose　up　to　shake　hands　with　him；　that　they　might　part　in　peace。　　On　another　occasion；　when　he　had　violently　provoked　Mr。　Pepys；　in　a　different　but　perhaps　not　a　less　offensive　manner；　till　something　much　too　like　a　quarrel　was　grown　up　between　them；　the　moment　he　was　gone；　〃Now；〃　says　Dr。　Johnson；　〃is　Pepys　gone　home　hating　me；　who　love　him　better　than　I　did　before。　　He　spoke　in　defence　of　his　dead　friend；　but　though　I　hope　_I_　spoke　better　who　spoke　against　him；　yet　all　my　eloquence　will　gain　me　nothing　but　an　honest　man　for　my　enemy！〃　　He　did　not；　however；　cordially　love　Mr。　Pepys；　though　he　respected　his　abilities。　　〃I　know　the　dog　was　a　scholar；〃　said　he　when　they　had　been　disputing　about　the　classics　for　three　hours　together　one　morning　at　Streatham；　〃but　that　he　had　so　much　taste　and　so　much　knowledge　I　did　NOT　believe。　　I　might　have　taken　Barnard's　word　though；　for　Barnard　would　not　lie。〃

We　had　got　a　little　French　print　among　us　at　Brighthelmstone；　in　November；　1782；　of　some　people　skating；　with　these　lines　written　under：

　　　　　〃Sur　un　mince　chrystal　l'hyver　conduit　leurs　pas；　　　　　　　　　Le　precipice　est　sous　la　glace；　　　　　　　Telle　est　de　nos　plaisirs　la　legere　surface；　　　　　　　　　Glissez　mortels；　n'appayez　pas。〃

And　I　begged　translation　from　everybody。　　Dr。　Johnson　gave　me　this：

　　　　　〃O'er　ice　the　rapid　skater　flies；　　　　　　　　　With　sport　above　and　death　below；　　　　　　　Where　mischief　lurks　in　gay　disguise；　　　　　　　　　Thus　lightly　touch　and　quickly　go。〃

He　was；　however；　most　exceedingly　enraged　when　he　knew　that　in　the　course　of　the　season　I　had　asked　half…a…dozen　acquaintance　to　do　the　same　thing；　and　said；　〃it　was　a　piece　of　treachery；　and　done　to　make　everybody　else　look　little　when　compared　to　my　favourite　friends　the　PEPYSES；　whose　translations　were　unquestionably　the　best。〃　　I　will　insert　them；　because　he　DID　say　so。　　This　is　the　distich　given　me　by　Sir　Lucas；　to　whom　I　owe　more　solid　obligations；　no　less　than　the　power　of　thanking　him　for　the　life　he　saved；　and　whose　least　valuable　praise　is　the　correctness　of　his　taste：

　　　　　〃O'er　the　ice　as　o'er　pleasure　you　lightly　should　glide；　　　　　　　Both　have　gulfs　which　their　flattering　surfaces　hide。〃

This　other　more　serious　one　was　written　by　his　brother：

　　　　　〃Swift　o'er　the　level　how　the　skaters　slide；　　　　　　　　　And　skim　the　glitt'ring　surface　as　they　go：　　　　　　　Thus　o'er　life's　specious　pleasures　lightly　glide；　　　　　　　　　But　pause　not；　press　not　on　the　gulf　below。〃

Dr。　Johnson　seeing　this　last；　and　thinking　a　moment；　repeated：

　　　　　〃O'er　crackling　ice；　o'er　gulfs　profound；　　　　　　　　　With　nimble　glide　the　skaters　play；　　　　　　　O'er　treacherous　pleasure's　flow'ry　ground　　　　　　　　　Thus　lightly　skim；　and　haste　away。〃

Though　thus　uncommonly　ready　both　to　give　and　take　offence；　Mr。　Johnson　had　many　rigid　maxims　concerning　the　necessity　of　continued　softness　and　compliance　of　disposition：　　and　when　I　once　mentioned　Shenstone's　idea　that　some　little　quarrel　among　lovers；　relations；　and　friends　was　useful；　and　contributed　to　their　general　happiness　upon　the　whole；　by　making　the　soul　feel　her　elastic　force；　and　return　to　the　beloved　object　with　renewed　delight：　　〃Why；　what　a　pernicious　maxim　is　this　now；〃　cries　Johnson；　〃ALL　quarrels　ought　to　be　avoided　studiously；　particularly　conjugal　ones；　as　no　one　can　possibly　tell　where　they　may　end；　besides　that　lasting　dislike　is　often　the　consequence　of　occasional　disgust；　and　that　the　cup　of　life　is　surely　bitter　enough　without　squeezing　in　the　hateful　rind　of　resentment。〃　It　was　upon　something　like　the　same　principle；　and　from　his　general　hatred　of　refinement；　that　when　I　told　him　how　Dr。　Collier；　in　order　to　keep　the　servants　in　humour　with　his　favourite　dog；　by　seeming　rough　with　the　animal　himself　on　many　occasions；　and　crying　out；　〃Why　will　nobody　knock　this　cur's　brains　out？〃　meant　to　conciliate　their　tenderness　towards　Pompey；　he　returned　me　for　answer；　〃that　the　maxim　was　evidently　false；　and　founded　on　ignorance　of　human　life：　　that　the　servants　would　kick　the　dog　sooner　for　having　obtained　such　a　sanction　to　their　severity。　　And　I　once；〃　added　he；　〃chid　my　wife　for　beating　the　cat　before　the　maid；　who　will　now；〃　said　I；　〃treat　puss　with　cruelty；　perhaps；　and　plead　her　mistress's　example。〃

I　asked　him　upon　this　if　he　ever　disputed　with　his　wife？　　（I　had　heard　that　he　loved　her　passionately。）　　〃Perpetually；〃　said　he：　　〃my　wife　had　a　particular　reverence　for　cleanliness；　and　desired　the　praise　of　neatness　in　her　dress　and　furniture；　as　many　ladies　do；　till　they　become　troublesome　to　their　best　friends；　slaves　to　their　own　besoms；　and　only　sigh　for　the　hour　of　sweeping　their　husbands　out　of　the　house　as　dirt　and　useless　lumber。　　'A　clean　floor　is　SO　comfortable；'　she　would　say　sometimes；　by　way　of　twitting；　till　at　last　I　told　her　that　I　thought　we　had　had　talk　enough　about　the　FLOOR；　we　would　now　have　a　touch　at　the　CEILING。〃

On　another　occasion　I　have　heard　him　blame　her　for　a　fault　many　people　have；　of　setting　the　miseries　of　their　neighbours　half　unintentionally；　half　wantonly　before　their　eyes；　showing　them　the　bad　side　of　their　profession；　situation；　etc。　　He　said；　〃She　would　lament　the　dependence　of　pupilage　to　a　young　heir；　etc。；　and　once　told　a　waterman　who　rowed　her　along　the　Thames　in　a　wherry；　that　he　was　no　happier　than　a　galley…slave；　one　being　chained　to　the　oar　by　authority；　the　other　by　want。　　I　had；　however；〃　said　he；　laughing；　〃the　wit　to　get　her　daughter　on　my　side　always　before　we　began　the　dispute。　　She　read　comedy　better　than　anybody　he　ever　heard；〃　he　said；　〃in　tragedy　she　mouthed　too　much。〃

Garrick　told　Mr。　Thrale；　however；　that　she　was　a　little　painted　puppet；　of　no　value　at　all；　and　quite　disguised　with　affectation；　full　of　odd　airs　of　rural　elegance；　and　he　made　out　some　comical　scenes；　by　mimicking　her　in　a　dialogue　he　pretended　to　have　overheard。　　I　do　not　know　whether　he　meant　such　stuff　to　be　believed　or　no；　it　was　so　comical；　nor　did　I　indeed　ever　see　him　represent　her　ridiculously；　though　my　husband　did。　　The　intelligence　I　gained　of　her　from　old　Levett　was　only　perpetual　illness　and　perpetual　opium。　　The　picture　I　found　of　her　at　Lichfield　was　very　pretty；　and　her　daughter；　Mrs。　Lucy　Porter；　said　it　was　like。　　Mr。　Johnson　has　told　me　that　her　hair　was　eminently　beautiful；　quite　blonde；　like　that　of　a　baby；　but　that　she　fretted　about　the　colour；　and　was　always　desirous　to　dye　it　black；　which　he　very　judiciously　hindered　her　from　doing。　　His　account　of　their　wedding　we　used　to　think　ludicrous　enough。　　〃I　was　riding　to　church；〃　says　Johnson；　〃and　she　following　on　another　single　horse。　　She　hung　back；　however；　and　I　turned　about　to　see　whether　she　could　get　her　steed　along；　or　what　was　the　matter。　　I　had；　however；　soon　occasion　to　see　it　was　only　coquetry；　and　THAT　I　DESPISED；　so　quickening　my　pace　a　little；　she　mended　hers；　but　I　believe　there　was　a　tear　or　twopretty　dear　creature！〃

Johnson　loved　his　dinner　exceedingly；　and　has　often　said　in　my　hearing；　perhaps　for　my　edification；　〃that　wherever　the　dinner　is　ill　got　there　is　poverty　or　there　is　avarice；　or　there　is　stupidity；　in　short；　the　family　is　somehow　grossly　wrong：　　for；〃　continued　he；　〃a　man　seldom　thinks　with　more　earnestness　of　anything　than　he　does　of　his　dinner；　and　if　he　cannot　get　that　well　dressed；　he　should　be　suspected　of　inaccuracy　in　other　things。〃　One　day；　when　he　was　speaking　upon　the　subject；　I　asked　him　if　he　ever　huffed　his　wife　about　his　dinner？　　〃So　often；〃　replied　he；　〃that　at　last　she　called　to　me；　and　said；　'Nay；　hold；　Mr。　Johnson；　and　do　not　make　a　farce　of　thanking　God　for　a　dinner　which　in　a　few　minutes　you　will　protest　not　eatable。'〃

When　any　disputes　arose　between　our　married　acquaintance；　however；　Mr。　Johnson　always　sided　with　the　husband；　〃whom；〃　he　said；　〃the　woman　had　probably　provoked　so　often；　she　scarce　knew　when　or　how　she　had　disobliged　him　first。　　Women；〃　says　Dr。　Johnson；　〃give　great　offence　by　a　contemptuous　spirit　of　non…compliance　on　petty　occasions。　　The　man　calls　his　wife　to　walk　with　him　in　the　shade；　and　she　feels　a　strange　desire　just　at　that　moment　to　sit　in　the　sun：　　he　offers　to　read　her　a　play；　or　sing　her　a　song；　and　she　calls　the　children　in　to　disturb　them；　or　advises　him　to　seize　that　opportunity　of　settling　the　family　accounts。　　Twenty　such　tricks　will　the　faithfullest　wife　in　the　world　not　refuse　to　play；　and　then　look　astonished　when　the　fellow　fetches　in　a　mistress。　　Boarding…schools　were　established；〃　continued　he；　〃for　the　conjugal　quiet　of　the　parents。　　The　two　partners　cannot　agree　which　child　to　fondle；　nor　how　to　fondle　them；　so　they　put　the　young　ones　to　school；　and　remove　the　cause　of　contention。　　The　little　girl　pokes　her　head；　the　mother　reproves　her　sharply。　　'Do　not　mind　your　mamma；'　says　the　father；　'my　dear；　but　do　your　own　way。'　　The　mother　complains　to　me　of　this。　　'Madam；'　said　I；　'your　husband　is　right　all　the　while；　he　is　with　you　but　two　hours　of　the　day；　perhaps；　and　then　you　tease　him　by　making　the　child　cry。　　Are　not　ten　hours　enough　for　tuition？　and　are　the　hours　of　pleasure　so　frequent　in　life；　that　when　a　man　gets　a　couple　of　quiet　ones　to　spend　in　familiar　chat　with　his　wife；　they　must　be　poisoned　by　petty　mortifications？　　Put　missy　to　school；　she　will　learn　to　hold　her　head　like　her　neighbours；　and　you　will　no　longer　torment　your　family　for　want　of　other　talk。'〃。

The　vacuity　of　life　had　at　some　early　period　of　his　life　struck　so　forcibly　on　the　mind　of　Mr。　Johnson；　that　it　became　by　repeated　impression　his　favourite　hypothesis；　and　the　general　tenor　of　his　reasonings　commonly　ended　there；　wherever　they　might　begin。　　Such　things；　therefore；　as　other　philosophers　often　attribute　to　various　and　contradictory　causes；　appeared　to　him　uniform　enough；　all　was　done　to　fill　up　the　time；　upon　his　principle。　　I　used　to　tell　him　that　it　was　like　the　clown's　answer　in　As　You　Like　It；　of　〃Oh；　lord；　sir！〃　for　that　it　suited　every　occasion。　　One　man；　for　example；　was　profligate　and　wild；　as　we　call　it；　followed　the　girls；　or　sat　still　at　the　gaming…table。　　〃Why；　life　must　be　filled　up；〃　says　Johnson；　〃and　the　man　who　is　not　capable　of　intelle