letters of two brides-第8章

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the　time。　Such　a　sheep　deserves　to　be　slaughtered。　Let　the　man　whom　I
deign　to　love　beware　how　he　thinks　of　anything　but　loving　me！

For　my　part；　I　like　those　long　trials　of　the　old…fashioned　chivalry。
That　lout　of　a　young　lord；　who　took　offence　because　his　sovereign…lady
sent　him　down　among　the　lions　to　fetch　her　glove；　was；　in　my　opinion；
very　impertinent；　and　a　fool　too。　Doubtless　the　lady　had　in　reserve
for　him　some　exquisite　flower　of　love；　which　he　lost；　as　he　well
deservedthe　puppy！

But　here　am　I　running　on　as　though　I　had　not　a　great　piece　of　news　to
tell　you。　My　father　is　certainly　going　to　represent　our　master　the
King　at　Madrid。　I　say　/our/　master；　for　I　shall　make　part　of　the
embassy。　My　mother　wishes　to　remain　here；　and　my　father　will　take　me
so　as　to　have　some　woman　with　him。

My　dear；　this　seems　to　you；　no　doubt；　very　simple；　but　there　are
horrors　behind　it；　all　the　same：　in　a　fortnight　I　have　probed　the
secrets　of　the　house。　My　mother　would　accompany　my　father　to　Madrid　if
he　would　take　M。　de　Canalis　as　a　secretary　to　the　embassy。　But　the
King　appoints　the　secretaries；　the　Duke　dare　neither　annoy　the　King；
who　hates　to　be　opposed；　nor　vex　my　mother；　and　the　wily　diplomat
believes　he　has　cut　the　knot　by　leaving　the　Duchess　here。　M。　de
Canalis；　who　is　the　great　poet　of　the　day；　is　the　young　man　who
cultivates　my　mother's　society；　and　who　no　doubt　studies　diplomacy
with　her　from　three　o'clock　to　five。　Diplomacy　must　be　a　fine　subject；
for　he　is　as　regular　as　a　gambler　on　the　Stock　Exchange。

The　Duc　de　Rhetore；　our　elder　brother；　solemn；　cold；　and　whimsical；
would　be　extinguished　by　his　father　at　Madrid；　therefore　he　remains　in
Paris。　Miss　Griffith　has　found　out　also　that　Alphonse　is　in　love　with
a　ballet…girl　at　the　Opera。　How　is　it　possible　to　fall　in　love　with
legs　and　pirouettes？　We　have　noticed　that　my　brother　comes　to　the
theatre　only　when　Tullia　dances　there；　he　applauds　the　steps　of　this
creature；　and　then　goes　out。　Two　ballet…girls　in　a　family　are；　I
fancy；　more　destructive　than　the　plague。　My　second　brother　is　with　his
regiment；　and　I　have　not　yet　seen　him。　Thus　it　comes　about　that　I　have
to　act　as　the　Antigone　of　His　Majesty's　ambassador。　Perhaps　I　may　get
married　in　Spain；　and　perhaps　my　father's　idea　is　a　marriage　there
without　dowry；　after　the　pattern　of　yours　with　this　broken…down　guard
of　honor。　My　father　asked　if　I　would　go　with　him；　and　offered　me　the
use　of　his　Spanish　master。

〃Spain；　the　country　for　castles　in　the　air！〃　I　cried。　〃Perhaps　you
hope　that　it　may　mean　marriages　for　me！〃

For　sole　reply　he　honored　me　with　a　meaning　look。　For　some　days　he　has
amused　himself　with　teasing　me　at　lunch；　he　watches　me；　and　I
dissemble。　In　this　way　I　have　played　with　him　cruelly　as　father　and
ambassador　/in　petto/。　Hadn't　he　taken　me　for　a　fool？　He　asked　me　what
I　thought　of　this　and　that　young　man；　and　of　some　girls　whom　I　had　met
in　several　houses。　I　replied　with　quite　inane　remarks　on　the　color　of
their　hair；　their　faces；　and　the　difference　in　their　figures。　My
father　seemed　disappointed　at　my　crassness；　and　inwardly　blamed
himself　for　having　asked　me。

〃Still；　father；〃　I　added；　〃don't　suppose　I　am　saying　what　I　really
think：　mother　made　me　afraid　the　other　day　that　I　had　spoken　more
frankly　than　I　ought　of　my　impressions。〃

〃With　your　family　you　can　speak　quite　freely；〃　my　mother　replied。

〃Very　well；　then；〃　I　went　on。　〃The　young　men　I　have　met　so　far　strike
me　as　too　self…centered　to　excite　interest　in　others；　they　are　much
more　taken　up　with　themselves　than　with　their　company。　They　can't　be
accused　of　lack　of　candor　at　any　rate。　They　put　on　a　certain
expression　to　talk　to　us；　and　drop　it　again　in　a　moment；　apparently
satisfied　that　we　don't　use　our　eyes。　The　man　as　he　converses　is　the
lover；　silent；　he　is　the　husband。　The　girls；　again；　are　so　artificial
that　it　is　impossible　to　know　what　they　really　are；　except　from　the
way　they　dance；　their　figures　and　movements　alone　are　not　a　sham。　But
what　has　alarmed　me　most　in　this　fashionable　society　is　its　brutality。
The　little　incidents　which　take　place　when　supper　is　announced　give
one　some　ideato　compare　small　things　with　greatof　what　a　popular
rising　might　be。　Courtesy　is　only　a　thin　veneer　on　the　general
selfishness。　I　imagined　society　very　different。　Women　count　for　little
in　it；　that　may　perhaps　be　a　survival　of　Bonapartist　ideas。〃

〃Armande　is　coming　on　extraordinarily；〃　said　my　mother。

〃Mother；　did　you　think　I　should　never　get　beyond　asking　to　see　Mme。　de
Stael？〃

My　father　smiled；　and　rose　from　the　table。

Saturday。

My　dear；　I　have　left　one　thing　out。　Here　is　the　tidbit　I　have　reserved
for　you。　The　love　which　we　pictured　must　be　extremely　well　hidden；　I
have　seen　not　a　trace　of　it。　True；　I　have　caught　in　drawing…rooms　now
and　again　a　quick　exchange　of　glances；　but　how　colorless　it　all　is！
Love；　as　we　imagined　it；　a　world　of　wonders；　of　glorious　dreams；　of
charming　realities；　of　sorrows　that　waken　sympathy；　and　smiles　that
make　sunshine；　does　not　exist。　The　bewitching　words；　the　constant
interchange　of　happiness；　the　misery　of　absence；　the　flood　of　joy　at
the　presence　of　the　beloved　onewhere　are　they？　What　soil　produces
these　radiant　flowers　of　the　soul？　Which　is　wrong？　We　or　the　world？

I　have　already　seen　hundreds　of　men；　young　and　middle…aged；　not　one
has　stirred　the　least　feeling　in　me。　No　proof　of　admiration　and
devotion　on　their　part；　not　even　a　sword　drawn　in　my　behalf；　would
have　moved　me。　Love；　dear；　is　the　product　of　such　rare　conditions　that
it　is　quite　possible　to　live　a　lifetime　without　coming　across　the
being　on　whom　nature　has　bestowed　the　power　of　making　one's　happiness。
The　thought　is　enough　to　make　one　shudder；　for　if　this　being　is　found
too　late；　what　then？

For　some　days　I　have　begun　to　tremble　when　I　think　of　the　destiny　of
women；　and　to　understand　why　so　many　wear　a　sad　face　beneath　the　flush
brought　by　the　unnatural　excitement　of　social　dissipation。　Marriage　is
a　mere　matter　of　chance。　Look　at　yours。　A　storm　of　wild　thoughts　has
passed　over　my　mind。　To　be　loved　every　day　the　same；　yet　with　a
difference；　to　be　loved　as　much　after　ten　years　of　happiness　as　on　the
first　day！such　a　love　demands　years。　The　lover　must　be　allowed　to
languish；　curiosity　must　be　piqued　and　satisfied；　feeling　roused　and
responded　to。

Is　there；　then；　a　law　for　the　inner　fruits　of　the　heart；　as　there　is
for　the　visible　fruits　of　nature？　Can　joy　be　made　lasting？　In　what
proportion　should　love　mingle　tears　with　pleasures？　The　cold　policy　of
the　funereal；　monotonous；　persistent　routine　of　the　convent　seemed　to
me　at　these　moments　the　only　real　life；　while　the　wealth；　the
splendor；　the　tears；　the　delights；　the　triumph；　the　joy；　the
satisfaction；　of　a　love　equal；　shared；　and　sanctioned；　appeared　a　mere
idle　vision。

I　see　no　room　in　this　city　for　the　gentle　ways　of　love；　for　precious
walks　in　shady　alleys；　the　full　moon　sparkling　on　the　water；　while　the
suppliant　pleads　in　vain。　Rich；　young；　and　beautiful；　I　have　only　to
love；　and　love　would　become　my　sole　occupation；　my　life；　yet　in　the
three　months　during　which　I　have　come　and　gone；　eager　and　curious；
nothing　has　appealed　to　me　in　the　bright；　covetous；　keen　eyes　around
me。　No　voice　has　thrilled　me；　no　glance　has　made　the　world　seem
brighter。

Music　alone　has　filled　my　soul；　music　alone　has　at　all　taken　the　place
of　our　friendship。　Sometimes；　at　night；　I　will　linger　for　an　hour　by
my　window；　gazing　into　the　garden；　summoning　the　future；　with　all　it
brings；　out　of　the　mystery　which　shrouds　it。　There　are　days　too　when；
having　started　for　a　drive；　I　get　out　and　walk　in　the　Champs…Elysees；
and　picture　to　myself　that　the　man　who　is　to　waken　my　slumbering　soul
is　at　hand；　that　he　will　follow　and　look　at　me。　Then　I　meet　only
mountebanks；　vendors　of　gingerbread；　jugglers；　passers…by　hurrying　to
their　business；　or　lovers　who　try　to　escape　notice。　These　I　am　tempted
to　stop；　asking　them；　〃You　who　are　happy；　tell　me　what　is　love。〃

But　the　impulse　is　repressed；　and　I　return　to　my　carriage；　swearing　to
die　an　old　maid。　Love　is　undoubtedly　an　incarnation；　and　how　many
conditions　are　needful　before　it　can　take　place！　We　are　not　certain　of
never　quarreling　with　ourselves；　how　much　less　so　when　there　are　two？
This　is　a　problem　which　God　alone　can　solve。

I　begin　to　think　that　I　shall　return　to　the　convent。　If　I　remain　in
society；　I　shall　do　things　which　will　look　like　follies；　for　I　cannot
possibly　reconcile　myself　to　what　I　see。　I　am　perpetually　wounded
either　in　my　sense　of　delicacy；　my　inner　principles；　or　my　secret
thoughts。

Ah！　my　mother　is　the　happiest　of　women；　adored　as　she　is　by　Canalis；
her　great　little　man。　My　love；　do　you　know　I　am　seized　sometimes　with
a　horrible　craving　to　know　what　goes　on　between　my　mother　and　that
young　man？　Griffith　tells　me　she　has　gone　through　all　these　moods；　she
has　longed　to　fly　at　women；　whose　happiness　was　written　in　their　face；
she　has　blackened　their　character；　torn　them　to　pieces。　According　to
her；　virtue　consists　in　burying　all　these　savage　instincts　in　one's
innermost　heart。　But　what　then　of　the　heart？　It　becomes　the　sink　of
all　that　is　worst　in　us。

It　is　very　humiliating　that　no　adorer　has　yet　turned　up　for　me。　I　am　a
marriageable　girl；　but　I　have　brothers；　a　family；　relations；　who　are
sensitive　on　the　point　of　honor。　Ah！　if　that　is　what　keeps　men　back；
they　are　poltroons。

The　part　of　Chimene　in　the　/Cid/　and　that　of　the　Cid　delight　me。　What
a　marvelous　play！　Well；　good…bye。



VIII

THE　SAME　TO　THE　SAME
January。

Our　master　is　a　poor　refugee；　forced　to　keep　in　hiding　on　account　of
the　part　he　played　in　the　revolution　which　the　Duc　d'Angouleme　has
just　quelleda　triumph　to　which　we　owe　some　splendid　fetes。　Though　a
Liberal；　and　doubtless　a　man　of　the　people；　he　has　awakened　my
interest：　I　fancy　that　he　must　have　been　condemned　to　death。　I　make
him　talk　for　the　purpose　of　getting　at　his　secret；　but　he　is　of　a
truly　Castilian　taciturnity；　proud　as　though　he　were　Gonsalvo　di
Cordova；　and　nevertheless　angelic　in　his　patience　and　gentleness。　His
pride　is　not　irritable　like　Miss　Griffith's；　it　belongs　to　his　inner
nature；　he　forces　us　to　civility　because　his　own　manners　are　so
perfect；　and　holds　us　at　a　distance　by　the　respect　he　shows　us。　My
father　declares　that　there　is　a　great　deal　of　the　nobleman　in　Senor
Henarez；　whom；　among　ourselves；　he　calls　in　fun　Don　Henarez。

A　few　days　ago　I　took　the　liberty　of　addressing　him　thus。　He　raised
his　eyes；　which　are　generally　bent　on　the　ground；　and　flashed　a　look
from　them　that　quite　abashed　me；　my　dear；　he　certainly　has　the　most
beautiful　eyes　imaginable。　I　asked　him　if　I　had　offended　him　in　any
way；　and　he　said　to　me　in　his　grand；　rolling　Spanish：

〃I　am　here　only　to　teach　you　Spanish。〃

I　blushed　and　felt　quite　snubbed。　I　was　on　the　point　of　making　some
pert　answer；　when　I　remembered　what　our　dear　mother　in　God　used　to　say
to　us；　and　I　replied　instead：

〃It　would　be　a　kindness　to　tell　me　if　you　have　anything　to　complain
of。〃

A　tremor　passed　through　him；　the　blood　rose　in　his　olive　cheeks；　he
replied　in　a　voice　of　some　emotion：

〃Religion　must