letters of two brides-第38章

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is　essentially　selfish；　while　motherhood　widens　the　circle　of　our
feelings。　How　well　I　felt　this　difference　when　I　read　your　kind；
tender　letter！　To　see　you　thus　living　in　three　hearts　roused　my　envy。
Yes；　you　are　happy；　you　have　had　wisdom　to　obey　the　laws　of　social
life；　whilst　I　stand　outside；　an　alien。

Children；　dear　and　loving　children；　can　alone　console　a　woman　for　the
loss　of　her　beauty。　I　shall　soon　be　thirty；　and　at　that　age　the　dirge
within　begins。　What　though　I　am　still　beautiful；　the　limits　of　my
woman's　reign　are　none　the　less　in　sight。　When　they　are　reached；　what
then？　I　shall　be　forty　before　he　is；　I　shall　be　old　while　he　is　still
young。　When　this　thought　goes　to　my　heart；　I　lie　at　his　feet　for　an
hour　at　a　time；　making　him　swear　to　tell　me　instantly　if　ever　he　feels
his　love　diminishing。

But　he　is　a　child。　He　swears；　as　though　the　mere　suggestion　were　an
absurdity；　and　he　is　so　beautiful　thatRenee；　you　understandI
believe　him。

Good…bye；　sweet　one。　Shall　we　ever　again　let　years　pass　without
writing？　Happiness　is　a　monotonous　theme；　and　that　is；　perhaps；　the
reason　why；　to　souls　who　love；　Dante　appears　even　greater　in　the
/Paradiso/　than　in　the　/Inferno/。　I　am　not　Dante；　I　am　only　your
friend；　and　I　don't　want　to　bore　you。　You　can　write；　for　in　your
children　you　have　an　ever…growing；　every…varying　source　of　happiness；
while　mine　。　。　。　No　more　of　this。　A　thousand　loves。



LIII

MME。　DE　L'ESTORADE　TO　MME。　GASTON

My　dear　Louise；I　have　read　and　re…read　your　letter；　and　the　more
deeply　I　enter　into　its　spirit；　the　clearer　does　it　become　to　me　that
it　is　the　letter；　not　of　a　woman；　but　of　a　child。　You　are　the　same　old
Louise；　and　you　forget；　what　I　used　to　repeat　over　and　over　again　to
you；　that　the　passion　of　love　belongs　rightly　to　a　state　of　nature；
and　has　only　been　purloined　by　civilization。　So　fleeting　is　its
character；　that　the　resources　of　society　are　powerless　to　modify　its
primitive　condition；　and　it　becomes　the　effort　of　all　noble　minds　to
make　a　man　of　the　infant　Cupid。　But；　as　you　yourself　admit；　such　love
ceases　to　be　natural。

Society；　my　dear　abhors　sterility；　but　substituting　a　lasting
sentiment　for　the　mere　passing　frenzy　of　nature；　it　has　succeeded　in
creating　that　greatest　of　all　human　inventionsthe　family；　which　is
the　enduring　basis　of　all　organized　society。　To　the　accomplishment　of
this　end；　it　has　sacrificed　the　individual；　man　as　well　as　woman；　for
we　must　not　shut　our　eyes　to　the　fact　that　a　married　man　devotes　his
energy；　his　power；　and　all　his　possession　to　his　wife。　Is　it　not　she
who　reaps　the　benefit　of　all　his　care？　For　whom；　if　not　for　her；　are
the　luxury　and　wealth；　the　position　and　distinction；　the　comfort　and
the　gaiety　of　the　home？

Oh！　my　sweet；　once　again　you　have　taken　the　wrong　turning　in　life。　To
be　adored　is　a　young　girl's　dream；　which　may　survive　a　few
springtimes；　it　cannot　be　that　of　the　mature　woman；　the　wife　and
mother。　To　a　woman's　vanity　it　is；　perhaps；　enough　to　know　that　she
can　command　adoration　if　she　likes。　If　you　would　live　the　life　of　a
wife　and　mother；　return；　I　beg　of　you；　to　Paris。　Let　me　repeat　my
warning：　It　is　not　misfortune　which　you　have　to　dread；　as　others　do
it　is　happiness。

Listen　to　me；　my　child！　It　is　the　simple　things　of　lifebread；　air；
silenceof　which　we　do　not　tire；　they　have　no　piquancy　which　can
create　distaste；　it　is　highly…flavored　dishes　which　irritate　the
palate；　and　in　the　end　exhaust　it。　Were　it　possible　that　I　should
to…day　be　loved　by　a　man　for　whom　I　could　conceive　a　passion；　such　as
yours　for　Gaston；　I　would　still　cling　to　the　duties　and　the　children；
who　are　so　dear　to　me。　To　a　woman's　heart　the　feelings　of　a　mother　are
among　the　simple；　natural；　fruitful；　and　inexhaustible　things　of　life。
I　can　recall　the　day；　now　nearly　fourteen　years　ago；　when　I　embarked
on　a　life　of　self…sacrifice　with　the　despair　of　a　shipwrecked　mariner
clinging　to　the　mast　of　his　vessel；　now；　as　I　invoke　the　memory　of
past　years；　I　feel　that　I　would　make　the　same　choice　again。　No　other
guiding　principle　is　so　safe；　or　leads　to　such　rich　reward。　The
spectacle　of　your　life；　which；　for　all　the　romance　and　poetry　with
which　you　invest　it；　still　remains　based　on　nothing　but　a　ruthless
selfishness；　has　helped　to　strengthen　my　convictions。　This　is　the　last
time　I　shall　speak　to　you　in　this　way；　but　I　could　not　refrain　from
once　more　pleading　with　you　when　I　found　that　your　happiness　had　been
proof　against　the　most　searching　of　all　trials。

And　one　more　point　I　must　urge　on　you；　suggested　by　my　meditations　on
your　retirement。　Life；　whether　of　the　body　or　the　heart；　consists　in
certain　balanced　movements。　Any　excess　introduced　into　the　working　of
this　routine　gives　rise　either　to　pain　or　to　pleasure；　both　of　which
are　a　mere　fever　of　the　soul；　bound　to　be　fugitive　because　nature　is
not　so　framed　as　to　support　it　long。　But　to　make　of　life　one　long
excess　is　surely　to　choose　sickness　for　one's　portion。　You　are　sick
because　you　maintain　at　the　temperature　of　passion　a　feeling　which
marriage　ought　to　convert　into　a　steadying；　purifying　influence。

Yes；　my　sweet；　I　see　it　clearly　now；　the　glory　of　a　home　consists　in
this　very　calm；　this　intimacy；　this　sharing　alike　of　good　and　evil；
which　the　vulgar　ridicule。　How　noble　was　the　reply　of　the　Duchesse　de
Sully；　the　wife　of　the　great　Sully；　to　some　one　who　remarked　that　her
husband；　for　all　his　grave　exterior；　did　not　scruple　to　keep　a
mistress。　〃What　of　that？〃　she　said。　〃I　represent　the　honor　of　the
house；　and　should　decline　to　play　the　part　of　a　courtesan　there。〃

But　you；　Louise；　who　are　naturally　more　passionate　than　tender；　would
be　at　once　the　wife　and　the　mistress。　With　the　soul　of　a　Heloise　and
the　passions　of　a　Saint　Theresa；　you　slip　the　leash　on　all　your
impulses；　so　long　as　they　are　sanctioned　by　law；　in　a　word；　you
degrade　the　marriage　rite。　Surely　the　tables　are　turned。　The
reproaches　you　once　heaped　on　me　for　immorally；　as　you　said；　seizing
the　means　of　happiness　from　the　very　outset　of　my　wedded　life；　might
be　directed　against　yourself　for　grasping　at　everything　which　may
serve　your　passion。　What！　must　nature　and　society　alike　be　in　bondage
to　your　caprice？　You　are　the　old　Louise；　you　have　never　acquired　the
qualities　which　ought　to　be　a　woman's；　self…willed　and　unreasonable　as
a　girl；　you　introduce　withal　into　your　love　the　keenest　and　most
mercenary　of　calculations！　Are　you　sure　that；　after　all；　the　price　you
ask　for　your　toilets　is　not　too　high？　All　these　precautions　are　to　my
mind　very　suggestive　of　mistrust。

Oh；　dear　Louise；　if　only　you　knew　the　sweetness　of　a　mother's　efforts
to　discipline　herself　in　kindness　and　gentleness　to　all　about　her！　My
proud；　self…sufficing　temper　gradually　dissolved　into　a　soft
melancholy；　which　in　turn　has　been　swallowed　up　by　those　delights　of
motherhood　which　have　been　its　reward。　If　the　early　hours　were
toilsome；　the　evening　will　be　tranquil　and　clear。　My　dread　is　lest　the
day　of　your　life　should　take　the　opposite　course。

When　I　had　read　your　letter　to　a　close；　I　prayed　God　to　send　you　among
us　for　a　day；　that　you　might　see　what　family　life　really　is；　and　learn
the　nature　of　those　joys；　which　are　lasting　and　sweeter　than　tongue
can　tell；　because　they　are　genuine；　simple；　and　natural。　But；　alas！
what　chance　have　I　with　the　best　of　arguments　against　a　fallacy　which
makes　you　happy？　As　I　write　these　words；　my　eyes　fill　with　tears。　I
had　felt　so　sure　that　some　months　of　honeymoon　would　prove　a　surfeit
and　restore　you　to　reason。　But　I　see　that　there　is　no　limit　to　your
appetite；　and　that；　having　killed　a　man　who　loved　you；　you　will　not
cease　till　you　have　killed　love　itself。　Farewell；　dear　misguided
friend。　I　am　in　despair　that　the　letter　which　I　hoped　might　reconcile
you　to　society　by　its　picture　of　my　happiness　should　have　brought
forth　only　a　paean　of　selfishness。　Yes；　your　love　is　selfish；　you　love
Gaston　far　less　for　himself　than　for　what　he　is　to　you。



LIV

MME。　GASTON　TO　THE　COMTESSE　DE　L'ESTORADE
May　20th。

Renee；　calamity　has　comeno；　that　is　no　word　for　itit　has　burst
like　a　thunderbolt　over　your　poor　Louise。　You　know　what　that　means；
calamity　for　me　is　doubt；　certainty　would　be　death。

The　day　before　yesterday；　when　I　had　finished　my　first　toilet；　I
looked　everywhere　for　Gaston　to　take　a　little　turn　with　me　before
lunch；　but　in　vain。　I　went　to　the　stable；　and　there　I　saw　his　mare　all
in　a　lather；　while　the　groom　was　removing　the　foam　with　a　knife　before
rubbing　her　down。

〃Who　in　the　world　has　put　Fedelta　in　such　a　state？〃　I　asked。

〃Master；〃　replied　the　lad。

I　saw　the　mud　of　Paris　on　the　mare's　legs；　for　country　mud　is　quite
different；　and　at　once　it　flashed　through　me；　〃He　has　been　to　Paris。〃

This　thought　raised　a　swarm　of　others　in　my　heart；　and　it　seemed　as
though　all　the　life　in　my　body　rushed　there。　To　go　to　Paris　without
telling　me；　at　the　hour　when　I　leave　him　alone；　to　hasten　there　and
back　at　such　speed　as　to　distress　Fedelta。　Suspicion　clutched　me　in
its　iron　grip；　till　I　could　hardly　breathe。　I　walked　aside　a　few　steps
to　a　seat；　where　I　tried　to　recover　my　self…command。

Here　Gaston　found　me；　apparently　pale　and　fluttered；　for　he
immediately　exclaimed；　〃What　is　wrong？〃　in　a　tone　of　such　alarm；　that
I　rose　and　took　his　arm。　But　my　muscles　refused　to　move；　and　I　was
forced　to　sit　down　again。　Then　he　took　me　in　his　arms　and　carried　me
to　the　parlor　close　by；　where　the　frightened　servants　pressed　after
us；　till　Gaston　motioned　them　away。　Once　left　to　ourselves；　I　refused
to　speak；　but　was　able　to　reach　my　room；　where　I　shut　myself　in；　to
weep　my　fill。　Gaston　remained　something　like　two　hours　at　my　door；
listening　to　my　sobs　and　questioning　with　angelic　patience　his　poor
darling；　who　made　no　response。

At　last　I　told　him　that　I　would　see　him　when　my　eyes　were　less　red　and
my　voice　was　steady　again。

My　formal　words　drove　him　from　the　house。　But　by　the　time　I　had　bathed
my　eyes　in　iced　water　and　cooled　my　face；　I　found　him　in　our　room；　the
door　into　which　was　open；　though　I　had　heard　no　steps。　He　begged　me　to
tell　him　what　was　wrong。

〃Nothing；〃　I　said；　〃I　saw　the　mud　of　Paris　on　Fedelta's　trembling
legs；　it　seemed　strange　that　you　should　go　there　without　telling　me；
but；　of　course；　you　are　free。〃

〃I　shall　punish　you　for　such　wicked　thoughts　by　not　giving　any
explanation　till　to…morrow；〃　he　replied。

〃Look　at　me；〃　I　said。

My　eyes　met　his；　deep　answered　to　deep。　No；　not　a　trace　of　the　cloud
of　disloyalty　which；　rising　from　the　soul；　must　dim　the　clearness　of
the　eye。　I　feigned　satisfaction；　though　really　unconvinced。　It　is　not
women　only　who　can　lie　and　dissemble！

The　whole　of　the　day　we　spent　together。　Ever　and　again；　as　I　looked　at
him；　I　realized　how　fast　my　heart…strings　were　bound　to　him。　How　I
trembled　and　fluttered　within　when；　after　a　moment's　absence；　he
reappeared。　I　live　in　him；　not　in　myself。　My　cruel　sufferings　gave　the
lie　to　your　unkind　letter。　Did　I　ever　feel　my　life　thus　bound　up　in
the　noble　Spaniard；　who　adored　me；　as　I　adore　this　heartless　boy？　I
hate　that　mare！　Fool　that　I　was　to　keep　horses！　But　the　next　thing
would　have　been　to　lame　Gaston　o