the dust-第36章

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ch　a　funny　idea　of　what　I　had　a　right　to　do　and　what　I　hadn't。　　And　I　didn't　spend　so　very　much　on　out…and…out　luxury。　　But　enough　to　spoil　me　for　this　life。〃

As　Norman　listened；　as　he　notedin　her　appearance；　manner；　way　of　talkingthe　many　meaning　signs　of　the　girl　hesitating　at　the　fork　of　the　roadshe　felt　within　him　the　twinges　of　fear；　of　jealousyand　through　fear　and　jealousy；　the　twinges　of　conscience。　She　was　telling　the　truth。　　He　had　undermined　her　ability　to　live　in　purity　the　life　to　which　her　earning　power　assigned　her。　。　。　。　　WHY　had　she　been　so　friendly　to　him？　　Why　had　she　received　him　in　this　informal；　almost　if　not　quite　inviting　fashion？

〃So　you　think　I've　changed？〃　she　was　saying。　〃WellI　have。　　Gracious；　what　a　little　fool　I　was！〃

His　eyes　lifted　with　an　agonized　question　in　them。

She　flushed；　glanced　away；　glanced　at　him　again　with　the　old；　sweet　expression　of　childlike　innocence　which　had　so　often　made　him　wonder　whether　it　was　merely　a　mannerism；　or　was　a　trick；　or　was　indeed　a　beam　from　a　pure　soul。　　〃I'm　foolish　stillin　certain　ways；〃　she　said　significantly。

〃And　you　always　intend　to　be？〃　suggested　he　with　a　forced　smile。

〃Ohyes；〃　replied　shepositively　enough；　yet　it　somehow　had　not　the　full　force　of　her　simple　short　statements　in　the　former　days。

He　believed　her。　　Perhaps　because　he　wished　to　believe；　must　believe；　would　have　been　driven　quite　mad　by　disbelief。　　Still；　he　believed。　　As　yet　she　was　good。　But　it　would　not　last　much　longer。　　With　himor　with　some　other。　　If　with　him；　then　certainly　afterward　with　anotherwith　others。　　No　matter　how　jealously　he　might　guard　her；　she　would　go　that　road；　if　once　she　entered　it。　　If　he　would　have　her　for　his　very　own　he　must　strengthen　her；　not　weaken　her；　must　keep　her　〃foolish　stillin　certain　ways。〃

He　said：　　〃There's　nothing　in　the　other　sort　of　life。〃

〃That's　what　they　say；〃　replied　she；　with　ominous　irritation。　　〃Stillsome　girlsLOTS　of　girls　seem　to　get　on　mighty　well　without　being　so　terribly　particular。〃

〃You　ought　to　see　them　after　a　few　years。〃

〃I'm　only　twenty…one；〃　laughed　she。　　〃I've　got　lots　of　time　before　I'm　old。　。　。　。　　You　haven'tmarried？〃

〃No；〃　said　he。

〃I　thought　I'd　have　heard；　if　you　had。〃　　She　laughed　queerlyagain　shook　out　her　hair；　and　it　shimmered　round　her　face　and　over　her　head　and　out　from　her　shoulders　like　flames。　　〃You've　got　a　kind　of　aMr。　Tetlow　way　of　talking。　　It　doesn't　remind　me　of　you　as　you　were　in　Jersey　City。〃

She　said　nothing；　she　suggested　nothing　that　had　the　least　impropriety　in　it；　or　faintest　hint　of　impropriety。　　It　was　nothing　positive；　nothing　aggressive；　but　a　certain　vague　negative　something　that　gave　him　the　impression　of　innocence　still　innocent　but　looking　or　trying　to　look　tolerantly　where　it　should　not。　　And　he　felt　dizzy　and　sick；　stricken　with　shame　and　remorse　and　jealous　fear。　　Yesshe　was　sliding　slowly；　gently；　unconsciously　down　to　the　depth　in　which　he　had　been　lying；　sick　and　shudderingno；　to　deeper　depthsto　the　depths　where　there　is　no　light；　no　trace　of　a　return　path。　　And　he　had　started　her　down。　　He　had　done　it　when　he；　in　his　pride　and　selfishness；　had　ignored　what　the　success　of　his　project　would　mean　for　her。　　But　he　knew　now；　in　bitterness　and　shame　and　degradation　he　had　learned。　　〃I　was　infamous！〃　he　said　to　himself。

She　began　to　talk　in　a　low；　embarrassed　voice：

〃Sometimes　I　think　of　getting　married。　　There's　a　young　mana　young　lawyerhe　makes　twenty…five　a　week；　but　it'll　be　years　and　years　before　he　has　a　good　living。　　A　man　doesn't　get　on　fast　in　New　York　unless　he　has　pull。〃

Norman；　roused　from　his　remorse；　blazed　inside。　〃You　are　in　love　with　him？〃

She　laughed；　and　he　could　not　tell　whether　it　was　to　tease　him　or　to　evade。

〃You'd　not　care　about　him　long；〃　said　Norman；　〃unless　there　were　more　money　coming　in　than　he'd　be　likely　to　get　soon。　　Love　without　money　doesn't　go　at　least；　not　in　New　York。〃

〃Do　you　suppose　I　don't　know　that？〃　said　she　with　the　irritation　of　one　faced　by　a　hateful　fact。　〃StillI　don't　see　what　to　do。〃

Norman；　biting　his　lip　and　fuming　and　observing　her　with　jealous　eyes；　said　in　the　best　voice　he　could　command；　〃How　long　have　you　been　in　love　with　him？〃

〃Did　I　say　I　was　in　love？〃　mocked　she。

〃You　didn't　say　you　weren't。　　Who　is　he？〃

〃If　you'll　stay　on　about　half　an　hour　or　so；　you'll　see　him。　　Noyou　can't。　　I've　got　to　get　dressed　before　I　let　him　up。　　He　has　very　strict　ideaswhere　I'm　concerned。〃

〃Then　why　did　you　let　ME　come　up？〃　Norman　said；　with　a　penetrating　glance。

She　lowered　her　gaze　and　a　faint　flush　stole　into　her　cheeks。　　Was　it　confession　of　the　purpose　he　suspected？　Or；　was　it　merely　embarrassment？

〃I　heard　of　a　case　once；〃　continued　Norman；　his　gaze　significantly　direct；　〃the　case　of　a　girl　who　was　in　love　with　a　poor　young　fellow。　　She　wanted　money　luxury。　　Also；　she　wanted　the　poor　young　fellow。〃

The　color　flamed　into　the　girl's　face；　then　left　it　pale。　Her　white　fingers　fluttered　with　nervous　grace　into　her　masses　of　hair　and　back　to　her　lap　again；　to　rest　there　in　timid　quiet。

〃She　knew　another　man；〃　pursued　Norman；　〃one　who　was　able　to　give　her　what　she　wanted　in　the　way　of　comfort。　　So；　she　decided　to　make　an　arrangement　with　the　man；　and　keep　it　hidden　from　her　loverand　in　that　way　get　along　pleasantly　until　her　lover　was　in　better　circumstances　。〃

Her　gaze　was　upon　her　hands；　listless　in　her　lap。　　He　felt　that　he　had　spoken　her　unspoken；　probably　unformed　thoughts。　　Yes；　unformed。　　Men　and　women；　especially　women；　habitually　pursued　these　unacknowledged　andeven　unformed　purposes；　in　their　conflicts　of　the　desire　to　get　what　they　wanted　and　their　desire　to　appear　well　to　themselves。

〃What　would　you　think　of　an　arrangement　like　that？〃　asked　he；　determined　to　draw　her　secret　heart　into　the　open　where　he　could　see；　where　she　could　see。

She　lifted　frank；　guileless　eyes　to　his。　　〃I　suppose　the　girl　was　trying　to　do　the　best　she　could。〃

〃What　do　you　think　of　a　girl　who'd　do　that？〃

〃I　don't　judge　anybodyany　more。　　I've　found　out　that　this　world　isn't　at　all　as　I　thoughtas　I　was　taught。〃

〃Would　YOU　do　it？〃

She　smiled　faintly。　　〃No；〃　she　replied　uncertainly。　Then　she　restored　his　wavering　belief　in　her　essential　honesty　and　truthfulness　by　adding：　　〃That　is　to　say；　I　don't　think　I　would。〃

She　busied　herself　with　her　hair；　feeling　it　to　see　whether　it　was　not　yet　dry；　spreading　it　out。　　He　looked　at　her　unseeingly。　　At　last　she　said：　　〃You　must　go。　I've　got　to　get　dressed。〃

〃YesI　must　be　going；〃　said　he　absently；　rising　and　reaching　for　his　hat　on　the　center　table。

She　stood　up；　put　out　her　hand。　　〃I'm　glad　you　came。〃

〃Thank　you；〃　said　he；　still　in　the　same　abstraction。　He　shook　hands　with　her；　moved　hesitatingly　toward　the　door。　　With　his　hand　on　the　knob　he　turned　and　glanced　keenly　at　her。　　He　surprised　in　her　face　a　look　of　mystery　of　seriousness；　of　sadnesswas　there　anxiety　in　it；　also？　　And　then　he　saw　a　certain　elusive　reminder　of　her　fatherand　it　brought　to　him　with　curious　force　the　memory　of　how　she　had　been　brought　up；　of　what　must　be　hers　by　inheritance　and　by　trainingshe；　the　daughter　of　a　great　and　simple　and　noble　man

〃You'll　come　again？〃　she　said；　and　there　was　the　note　in　her　voice　that　made　his　nerves　grow　tense　and　vibrate。

But　he　seemed　not　to　have　heard　her　question。　　Still　at　the　unopened　door；　he　folded　his　arms　upon　his　chest　and　said；　speaking　rapidly　yet　with　the　deliberation　of　one　who　has　thought　out　his　words　in　advance：

〃I　don't　know　what　kind　of　girl　you　are。　　I　never　have　known。　　I've　never　wanted　to　know。　　If　you　told　me　you　werewhat　is　called　good；　I'd　doubt　it。　　If　you　told　me　you　weren't；　I'd　want　to　kill　you　and　myself。　They　say　there's　a　fatal　woman　for　every　man　and　a　fatal　man　for　every　woman。　　I　always　laughed　at　the　ideauntil　you。　　I　don't　know　what　to　make　of　myself。〃

She　suddenly　laid　her　finger　on　her　lips。　　It　irritated　him；　to　discover　that；　as　he　talked；　speaking　the　things　that　came　from　the　very　depths　of　his　soul；　she　had　been　giving　him　only　part　of　her　attention；　had　been　listening　for　a　step　on　the　stairs。　　He　was　hearing　the　ascending　step　now。　　He　frowned。　　〃Can't　you　send　him　away？〃　he　asked。

〃I　must；〃　said　she　in　a　low　tone。　　〃It　wouldn't　do　for　him　to　know　you　were　here。　　He　has　strict　ideas　and　is　terribly　jealous。〃

A　few　seconds　of　silence；　then　a　knock　on　the　other　side　of　the　door。

〃Who's　there？〃　she　called。

〃I'm　a　little　early；〃　came　in　an　agreeable；　young　man's　voice。　　〃Aren't　you　ready？〃

〃Not　nearly；〃　replied　she；　in　a　laughing；　innocent　voice。　　〃You'll　have　to　go　away　for　half　an　hour。〃

〃I'll　wait　out　here　on　the　steps。〃

Her　eyes　were　sparkling。　　A　delicate　color　had　mounted　to　her　skin。　　Norman；　watching　her　jealously；　clinched　his　strong　jaws。　　She　said：　　〃Noyou　must　go　clear　away。　　I　don't　want　to　feel　that　I'm　being　hurried。　　Don't　come　back　until　a　quarter　past　four。〃

〃All　right。　　I'm　crazy　to　see　you。〃　　This　in　the　voice　of　a　lover。　　She　smiled　radiantly　at　Norman；　as　if　she　thought　he　would　share　in　her　happiness　at　these　evidences　of　her　being　well　loved。　　The　unseen　young　man　said：　　〃Exactly　a　quarter　past。　　What　time　does　your　clock　say　it　is　now？〃

〃A　quarter　to；〃　replied　she。

〃That's　what　my　watch　says。　　So　there'll　be　no　mistake。　　For　half　an　hourgood…by！〃

〃Half　an　hour！〃　she　called。

She　and　Norman　stood　in　silence　until　the　footsteps　died　away。　　Then　she　said　crossly　to　Norman：　　〃You　ought　to　have　gone　before。　　I　don't　like　to　do　these　things。〃

〃You　do　them　well；〃　said　he；　with　a　savage　gleam。

She　was　prompt　and　sure　with　his　punishment。　　She　said；　simply　and　sweetly：　　〃I'd　do　anything　to　keep　HIS　good　opinion　of　me。〃

Norman　felt　and　looked　cowed。　　〃You　don't　know　how　it　makes　me　suffer　to　see　you　fond　of　another　man；〃　he　cried。

She　seemed　not　in　the　least　interested；　went　to　the　mirror　of　the　bureau　and　began　to　inspect　her　hair　with　a　view　to　doing　it　up。　　〃You　can　go　in　five　minutes；〃　said　she。　　〃By　that　time　he'll　be　well　out　of　the　way。　Anyhow；　if　he　saw　you　leaving　the　house　he'd　not　know　but　what　you　had　been　to　see　some　one　else。　　He　knows　you　by　reputation　but　not　by　sight。〃

Norman　went　to　her；　took　her　by　the　shoulders　gently　but　strongly。　　〃Look　at　me；〃　he　said。

She　looked　at　him　with　an　expression；　or　perhaps　absence　of　expression；　that　was　simple　listening。

〃If　you　meant　awhile　ago　some　such　thing　as　I　hintedI　will　have　nothing　to　do　with　it。　　You　must　marry　meor　it's　nothing　at　all。〃

Her　gaze　did　not　wander；　but　before　his　wondering　eyes　she　seemed　to　fade；　fade　toward　colorlessness　insig…　nificance。　　The　light　died　from　her　eyes；　the　flush　of　health　from　her　white　skin；　the　freshness　from　her　lips；　the　sparkle　and　vitality　from　her　hair。　　A　slow；　gradual　transformation；　which　he　watched　with　a　frightened　tightening　at　the　heart。

She　said　slowly：　　〃YouwantmetoMARRY　you？〃

〃I've　always　wanted　it；　though　I　didn't　realize；〃　replied　he。　　〃How　else　could　I　be　sure　of　you？　　Besides〃　He　flushed；　added　hurriedly；　almost　in　an　undertone　〃I　owe　it　to　you。〃

She　seated　herself　deliberately。

After　he　had　waited　in　vain　for　her　to　speak；　he　went　on：　　〃If　you　married　me；　I　know　you'd　play　square。