all roads lead to calvary-第15章

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〃I'm　so　awfully　sorry；〃　he　said。　　〃I've　been　talking　to　you　as　if　you　were　a　public　meeting。　　I'm　afraid　I'm　more　used　to　them　than　I　am　to　women。　　Please　forgive　me。〃

The　whole　man　had　changed。　　The　eyes　had　a　timid　pleading　in　them。

Joan　laughed。　　〃I've　been　feeling　as　if　I　were　the　King　of　Bavaria；〃　she　said。

〃How　did　he　feel？〃　he　asked　her；　leaning　forward。

〃He　had　his　own　private　theatre；〃　Joan　explained；　〃where　Wagner　gave　his　operas。　　And　the　King　was　the　sole　audience。〃

〃I　should　have　hated　that；〃　he　said；　〃if　I　had　been　Wagner。〃

He　looked　at　her；　and　a　flush　passed　over　his　boyish　face。

〃All　right；〃　he　said；　〃if　it　had　been　a　queen。〃

Joan　found　herself　tracing　patterns　with　her　spoon　upon　the　tablecloth。　　〃But　you　have　won　now；〃　she　said；　still　absorbed　apparently　with　her　drawing；　〃you　are　going　to　get　your　chance。〃

He　gave　a　short　laugh。　　〃A　trick；〃　he　said；　〃to　weaken　me。　　They　think　to　shave　my　locks；　show　me　to　the　people　bound　by　their　red　tape。　　To　put　it　another　way；　a　rat　among　the　terriers。〃

Joan　laughed。　　〃You　don't　somehow　suggest　the　rat；〃　she　said：　〃rather　another　sort　of　beast。〃

〃What　do　you　advise　me？〃　he　asked。　　〃I　haven't　decided　yet。〃

They　were　speaking　in　whispered　tones。　　Through　the　open　doors　they　could　see　into　the　other　room。　　Mrs。　Phillips；　under　Airlie's　instructions；　was　venturing　upon　a　cigarette。

〃To　accept；〃　she　answered。　　〃They　won't　influence　youthe　terriers；　as　you　call　them。　　You　are　too　strong。　　It　is　you　who　will　sway　them。　　It　isn't　as　if　you　were　a　mere　agitator。　　Take　this　opportunity　of　showing　them　that　you　can　build；　plan；　organize；　that　you　were　meant　to　be　a　ruler。　　You　can't　succeed　without　them；　as　things　are。　　You've　got　to　win　them　over。　　Prove　to　them　that　they　can　trust　you。〃

He　sat　for　a　minute　tattooing　with　his　fingers　on　the　table；　before　speaking。

〃It's　the　frills　and　flummery　part　of　it　that　frightens　me；〃　he　said。　　〃You　wouldn't　think　that　sensitiveness　was　my　weak　point。　But　it　is。　　I've　stood　up　to　a　Birmingham　mob　that　was　waiting　to　lynch　me　and　enjoyed　the　experience；　but　I'd　run　ten　miles　rather　than　face　a　drawing…room　of　well…dressed　people　with　their　masked　faces　and　ironic　courtesies。　　It　leaves　me　for　days　feeling　like　a　lobster　that　has　lost　its　shell。〃

〃I　wouldn't　say　it；　if　I　didn't　mean　it；〃　　answered　Joan；　〃but　you　haven't　got　to　trouble　yourself　about　that　。　。　。　You're　quite　passable。〃　　She　smiled。　　It　seemed　to　her　that　most　women　would　find　him　more　than　passable。

He　shook　his　head。　　〃With　you；〃　he　said。　　〃There's　something　about　you　that　makes　one　ashamed　of　worrying　about　the　little　things。　But　the　others：　　the　sneering　women　and　the　men　who　wink　over　their　shoulder　while　they　talk　to　you；　I　shall　never　be　able　to　get　away　from　them；　and；　of　course；　wherever　I　go〃

He　stopped　abruptly　with　a　sudden　tightening　of　the　lips。　　Joan　followed　his　eyes。　　Mrs。　Phillips　had　swallowed　the　smoke　and　was　giggling　and　spluttering　by　turns。　　The　yellow　ostrich　feather　had　worked　itself　loose　and　was　rocking　to　and　fro　as　if　in　a　fit　of　laughter　of　its　own。

He　pushed　back　his　chair　and　rose。　　〃Shall　we　join　the　others？〃　he　said。

He　moved　so　that　he　was　between　her　and　the　other　room；　his　back　to　the　open　doors。　　〃You　think　I　ought　to？〃　he　said。

〃Yes；〃　she　answered　firmly；　as　if　she　were　giving　a　command。　　But　he　read　pity　also　in　her　eyes。

〃Well；　have　you　two　settled　the　affairs　of　the　kingdom？　　Is　it　all　decided？〃　asked　Airlie。

〃Yes；〃　he　answered；　laughing。　　〃We　are　going　to　say　to　the　people；　'Eat；　drink　and　be　wise。'〃

He　rearranged　his　wife's　feather　and　smoothed　her　tumbled　hair。　She　looked　up　at　him　and　smiled。

Joan　set　herself　to　make　McKean　talk；　and　after　a　time　succeeded。　They　had　a　mutual　friend；　a　raw…boned　youth　she　had　met　at　Cambridge。　　He　was　engaged　to　McKean's　sister。　　His　eyes　lighted　up　when　he　spoke　of　his　sister　Jenny。　　The　Little　Mother；　he　called　her。

〃She's　the　most　beautiful　body　in　all　the　world；〃　he　said。　　〃Though　merely　seeing　her　you　mightn't　know　it。〃

He　saw　her　〃home〃；　and　went　on　up　the　stairs　to　his　own　floor。

Joan　stood　for　a　while　in　front　of　the　glass　before　undressing；　but　felt　less　satisfied　with　herself。　　She　replaced　the　star　in　its　case；　and　took　off　the　regal…looking　dress　with　the　golden　girdle　and　laid　it　carelessly　aside。　　She　seemed　to　be　growing　smaller。

In　her　white　night　dress；　with　her　hair　in　two　long　plaits；　she　looked　at　herself　once　more。　　She　seemed　to　be　no　one　of　any　importance　at　all：　　just　a　long　little　girl　going　to　bed。　　With　no　one　to　kiss　her　good　night。

She　blew　out　the　candle　and　climbed　into　the　big　bed；　feeling　very　lonesome　as　she　used　to　when　a　child。　　It　had　not　troubled　her　until　to…night。　　Suddenly　she　sat　up　again。　　She　needn't　be　back　in　London　before　Tuesday　evening；　and　to…day　was　only　Friday。　　She　would　run　down　home　and　burst　in　upon　her　father。　　He　would　be　so　pleased　to　see　her。

She　would　make　him　put　his　arms　around　her。



CHAPTER　VIII



She　reached　home　in　the　evening。　　She　thought　to　find　her　father　in　his　study。　　But　they　told　her　that；　now；　he　usually　sat　alone　in　the　great　drawing…room。　　She　opened　the　door　softly。　　The　room　was　dark　save　for　a　flicker　of　firelight；　she　could　see　nothing。　　Nor　was　there　any　sound。

〃Dad；〃　she　cried；　〃are　you　here？〃

He　rose　slowly　from　a　high…backed　chair　beside　the　fire。

〃It　is　you；〃　he　said。　　He　seemed　a　little　dazed。

She　ran　to　him　and；　seizing　his　listless　arms；　put　them　round　her。

〃Give　me　a　hug；　Dad；〃　she　commanded。　　〃A　real　hug。〃

He　held　her　to　him　for　what　seemed　a　long　while。　　There　was　strength　in　his　arms；　in　spite　of　the　bowed　shoulders　and　white　hair。

〃I　was　afraid　you　had　forgotten　how　to　do　it；〃　she　laughed；　when　at　last　he　released　her。　　〃Do　you　know；　you　haven't　hugged　me；　Dad；　since　I　was　five　years　old。　　That's　nineteen　years　ago。　　You　do　love　me；　don't　you？〃

〃Yes；〃　he　answered。　　〃I　have　always　loved　you。〃

She　would　not　let　him　light　the　gas。　　〃I　have　dinedin　the　train；〃　she　explained。　　〃Let　us　talk　by　the　firelight。〃

She　forced　him　gently　back　into　his　chair；　and　seated　herself　upon　the　floor　between　his　knees。　　〃What　were　you　thinking　of　when　I　came　in？〃　she　asked。　　〃You　weren't　asleep；　were　you？〃

〃No；〃　he　answered。　　〃Not　that　sort　of　sleep。〃　　She　could　not　see　his　face。　　But　she　guessed　his　meaning。

〃Am　I　very　like　her？〃　she　asked。

〃Yes；〃　he　answered。　　〃Marvellously　like　her　as　she　used　to　be：　except　for　just　one　thing。　　Perhaps　that　will　come　to　you　later。　　I　thought；　for　the　moment；　as　you　stood　there　by　the　door　。　。　。　〃　　He　did　not　finish　the　sentence。

〃Tell　me　about　her；〃　she　said。　　〃I　never　knew　she　had　been　an　actress。〃

He　did　not　ask　her　how　she　had　learnt　it。　　〃She　gave　it　up　when　we　were　married；〃　he　said。　　〃The　people　she　would　have　to　live　among　would　have　looked　askance　at　her　if　they　had　known。　　There　seemed　no　reason　why　they　should。〃

〃How　did　it　all　happen？〃　she　persisted。　　〃Was　it　very　beautiful；　in　the　beginning？〃　　She　wished　she　had　not　added　that　last。　　The　words　had　slipped　from　her　before　she　knew。

〃Very　beautiful；〃　he　answered；　〃in　the　beginning。〃

〃It　was　my　fault；〃　he　went　on；　〃that　it　was　not　beautiful　all　through。　　I　ought　to　have　let　her　take　up　her　work　again；　as　she　wished　to；　when　she　found　what　giving　it　up　meant　to　her。　　The　world　was　narrower　then　than　it　is　now；　and　I　listened　to　the　world。　　I　thought　it　another　voice。〃

〃It's　difficult　to　tell；　isn't　it？〃　she　said。　　〃I　wonder　how　one　can？〃

He　did　not　answer；　and　they　sat　for　a　time　in　silence。

〃Did　you　ever　see　her　act？〃　asked　Joan。

〃Every　evening　for　about　six　months；〃　he　answered。　　A　little　flame　shot　up　and　showed　a　smile　upon　his　face。

〃I　owe　to　her　all　the　charity　and　tenderness　I　know。　　She　taught　it　to　me　in　those　months。　　I　might　have　learned　more　if　I　had　let　her　go　on　teaching。　　It　was　the　only　way　she　knew。〃

Joan　watched　her　as　gradually　she　shaped　herself　out　of　the　shadows：　　the　poor；　thin；　fretful　lady　of　the　ever　restless　hands；　with　her　bursts　of　jealous　passion；　her　long　moods　of　sullen　indifference：　　all　her　music　turned　to　waste。

〃How　did　she　come　to　fall　in　love　with　you？〃　asked　Joan。　　〃I　don't　mean　to　be　uncomplimentary；　Dad。〃　　She　laughed；　taking　his　hand　in　hers　and　stroking　it。　　〃You　must　have　been　ridiculously　handsome；　when　you　were　young。　　And　you　must　always　have　been　strong　and　brave　and　clever。　　I　can　see　such　a　lot　of　women　falling　in　love　with　you。　　But　not　the　artistic　woman。〃

〃It　wasn't　so　incongruous　at　the　time；〃　he　answered。　　〃My　father　had　sent　me　out　to　America　to　superintend　a　contract。　　It　was　the　first　time　I　had　ever　been　away　from　home；　though　I　was　nearly　thirty；　and　all　my　pent…up　youth　rushed　out　of　me　at　once。　　It　was　a　harum…scarum　fellow；　mad　with　the　joy　of　life；　that　made　love　to　her；　not　the　man　who　went　out；　nor　the　man　who　came　back。　　It　was　at　San　Francisco　that　I　met　her。　　She　was　touring　the　Western　States；　and　I　let　everything　go　to　the　wind　and　followed　her。　　It　seemed　to　me　that　Heaven　had　opened　up　to　me。　　I　fought　a　duel　in　Colorado　with　a　man　who　had　insulted　her。　　The　law　didn't　run　there　in　those　days；　and　three　of　his　hired　gunmen；　as　they　called　them；　held　us　up　that　night　in　the　train　and　gave　her　the　alternative　of　going　back　with　them　and　kissing　him　or　seeing　me　dead　at　her　feet。　I　didn't　give　her　time　to　answer；　nor　for　them　to　finish。　　It　seemed　a　fine　death　anyhow；　that。　　And　I'd　have　faced　Hell　itself　for　the　chance　of　fighting　for　her。　　Though　she　told　me　afterwards　that　if　I'd　died　she'd　have　gone　back　with　them；　and　killed　him。〃

Joan　did　not　speak　for　a　time。　　She　could　see　him　gravea　little　pompous；　in　his　Sunday　black；　his　footsteps　creaking　down　the　stone…flagged　aisle；　the　silver…edged　collecting　bag　held　stiffly　in　his　hand。

〃Couldn't　you　have　saved　a　bit；　Daddy？〃　she　asked；　〃of　all　that　wealth　of　youthjust　enough　to　live　on？〃

〃I　might；〃　he　answered；　〃if　I　had　known　the　value　of　it。　　I　found　a　cable　waiting　for　me　in　New　York。　　My　father　had　been　dead　a　month；　and　I　had　to　return　immediately。〃

〃And　so　you　married　her　and　took　her　drum　away　from　her；〃　said　Joan。　　〃Oh；　the　thing　God　gives　to　some　of　us；〃　she　explained；　〃to　make　a　little　noise　with；　and　set　the　people　marching。〃

The　little　flame　died　out。　　She　could　feel　his　body　trembling。

〃But　you　still　loved　her；　didn't　you；　Dad？〃　she　asked。　　〃I　was　very　little　at　the　time；　but　I　can　just　remember。　　You　seemed　so　happy　together。　　Till　her　illness　came。〃

〃It　was　more　than　love；〃　he　answered。　　〃It　was　idolatry。　　God　punished　me　for　it。　　He　was　a　hard　God；　my　God。〃

She　raised　herself；　putting　her　hands　upon　his　shoulders　so　that　her　face　was　very　close　to　his。　　〃What　has　become　of　Him；　Dad？〃　she　said。　　She　spoke　in　a　cold　voice；　as　one　does　of　a　false　friend。

〃I　do　not　know；〃　he　answered　her。　　〃I　don't　seem　to　care。〃

〃He　must　be　somewhere；〃　she　said：　　〃the　living　God　of　love　and　hope：　　the　God　that　Christ　believed　in。〃

〃They　were　His　last　words；　too；〃　he　answered：　　〃'My　God；　my　God；　why　hast　Thou　forsaken　me？'〃

〃No；　not　His　last；〃　said　Joan：　　〃'Lo；　I　am　with　you　always；　even　unto　the　end　of　the　world。'　　Love　was