the dwelling place of ligh-第32章

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to　consider　his　feelings　toward　them；　but　now；　though　he　believed　himself
a　man　who　gave　no　weight　to　social　considerationshe　had　scorned　this
tendency　in　his　wifehe　was　to　realize　the　presence　of　ambitions　for
them。　　He　was　young；　he　was　astonishingly　successful；　he　had　reason　to
think；　with　his　opportunities　and　the　investments　he　already　had　made；
that　he　might　some　day　be　moderately　rich；　and　he　had　at　times　even
imagined　himself　in　later　life　as　the　possessor　of　one　of　those　elaborate
country　places　to　be　glimpsed　from　the　high　roads　in　certain　localities；
which　the　sophisticated　are　able　to　recognize　as　the　seats　of　the
socially　ineligible；　but　which　to　Ditmar　were　outward　and　visible　emblems
of　success。　　He　liked　to　think　of　George　as　the　inheritor　of　such　a
place；　as　the　son　of　a　millionaire；　as　a　〃college　graduate；〃　as　an
influential　man　of　affairs；　he　liked　to　imagine　Amy　as　the　wife　of　such
another。　　In　short；　Ditmar's　wife　had　left　him；　as　an　unconscious　legacy；
her　aspirations　for　their　children's　social　prestige。。。。

The　polished　oak　grandfather's　clock　in　the　hall　had　struck　one　before　he
went　to　bed；　mentally　wearied　by　an　unwonted　problem　involving；　in
addition　to　self…interest；　an　element　of　ethics；　of　affection　not　wholly
compounded　of　desire。

He　slept　soundly；　however。　　He　was　one　of　those　fortunate　beings　who　come
into　the　world　with　digestive　organs　and　thyroid　glands　in　that　condition
whichso　physiologists　tell　usmakes　for　a　sanguine　temperament。　　And
his　course　of　action；　though　not　decided　upon；　no　longer　appeared　as　a
problem；　it　differed　from　a　business　matter　in　that　it　could　wait。　　As
sufficient　proof　of　his　liver　having　rescued　him　from　doubts　and　qualms
he　was　able　to　whistle；　as　he　dressed；　and　without　a　tremor　of　agitation；
the　forgotten　tune　suggested　to　his　consciousness　during　the　unpleasant
reverie　of　the　night　before；〃Only　a　Bird　in　a　Gilded　Cage！〃　　It　was
Saturday。　　He　ate　a　hearty　breakfast；　joked　with　George　and　Amy；　and
refreshed；　glowing　with　an　expectation　mingled　with　just　the　right　amount
of　delightful　uncertainty　that　made　the　great　affairs　of　life　a　gamble；
yet　with　the　confidence　of　the　conqueror；　he　walked　in　sunlight　to　the
mill。　　In　view　of　this　firm　and　hopeful　tone　of　his　being　he　found　it　all
the　more　surprising；　as　he　reached　the　canal；　to　be　seized　by　a
trepidation　strong　enough　to　bring　perspiration　to　his　forehead。　　What　if
she　had　gone！　　He　had　never　thought　of　that；　and　he　had　to　admit　it　would
be　just　like　her。　　You　never　could　tell　what　she　would　do。

Nodding　at　Simmons；　the　watchman；　he　hurried　up　the　iron…shod　stairs；
gained　the　outer　once；　and　instantly　perceived　that　her　chair　beside　the
window　was　empty！　　Caldwell　and　Mr。　Price　stood　with　their　heads　together
bending　over　a　sheet　on　which　Mr。　Price　was　making　calculations。

〃Hasn't　Miss　Bumpus　come　yet？〃　Ditmar　demanded。　　He　tried　to　speak
naturally；　casually；　but　his　own　voice　sounded　strange；　seemed　to　strike
the　exact　note　of　sickening　apprehension　that　suddenly　possessed　him。
Both　men　turned　and　looked　at　him　in　some　surprise。

〃Good…morning；　Mr。　Ditmar；〃　Caldwell　said。　　〃Why；　yes；　she's　in　your
room。〃

〃Oh！〃　said　Ditmar。

〃The　Boston　office　has　just　been　calling　youthey　want　to　know　if　you
can't　take　the　nine　twenty…two；〃　Caldwell　went　on。　　〃It's　about　that
lawsuit。　　It　comes　into　court　Monday　morning；　and　Mr。　Sprole　is　there；
and　they　say　they　have　to　see　you。　　Miss　Bumpus　has　the　memorandum。〃

Ditmar　looked　at　his　watch。

〃Damn　it；　why　didn't　they　let　me　know　yesterday？〃　he　exclaimed。　　〃I　won't
see　anybody；　Caldwellnot　even　Orcuttjust　now。　　You　understand。　　I've
got　to　have　a　little　time　to　do　some　letters。　　I　won't　be　disturbedby
any　onefor　half　an　hour。〃

Caldwell　nodded。

〃All　right；　Mr。　Ditmar。〃

Ditmar　went　into　his　office；　closing　the　door　behind　him。　　She　was
occupied　as　usual；　cutting　open　the　letters　and　laying　them　in　a　pile
with　the　deftness　and　rapidity　that　characterized　all　she　did。

〃Janet！〃　he　exclaimed。

〃There's　a　message　for　you　from　Boston。　　I've　made　a　note　of　it；〃　she
replied。

〃I　knowCaldwell　told　me。　　But　I　wanted　to　see　you　before　I　wentI　had
to　see　you。　　I　sat　up　half　the　night　thinking　of　you；　I　woke　up　thinking
of　you。　　Aren't　you　glad　to　see　me？〃

She　dropped　the　letter　opener　and　stood　silent；　motionless；　awaiting　his
approacha　pose　so　eloquent　of　the　sense　of　fatality　strong　in　her　as　to
strike　him　with　apprehension；　unused　though　he　was　to　the　appraisal　of
inner　values。　　He　read；　darkly；　something　of　this　mystery　in　her　eyes　as
they　were　slowly　raised　to　his；　he　felt　afraid；　he　was　swept　again　by
those　unwonted　emotions　of　pity　and　tendernessbut　when　she　turned　away
her　head　and　he　saw　the　bright　spot　of　colour　growing　in　her　cheek；
spreading　to　her　temple；　suffusing　her　throat；　when　he　touched　the　soft
contour　of　her　arm；　his　passion　conquered。。。。　　Still　he　was　acutely
conscious　of　a　resistance　within　hernot　as　before；　physically　directed
against　him；　but　repudiating　her　own　desire。　　She　became　limp　in　his
arms；　though　making　no　attempt　to　escape；　and　he　knew　that　the　essential
self　of　her　he　craved　still　evaded　and　defied　him。　　And　he　clung　to　her
the　more　desperatelyas　though　by　crushing　her　peradventure　he　might
capture　it。

〃You're　hurting　me；〃　she　said　at　last；　and　he　let　her　go；　standing　by
helplessly　while　she　went　through　the　movements　of　readjustment
instinctive　to　women。　　Even　in　these　he　read　the　existence　of　the
reservation　he　was　loth　to　acknowledge。

〃Don't　you　love　me？〃　he　said。

〃I　don't　know。〃

〃You　do！〃　he　said。　　〃Youyou　proved　itI　know　it。〃

She　went　a　little　away　from　him；　picking　up　the　paper　cutter；　but　it　lay
idle　in　her　hand。

〃For　God's　sake；　tell　me　what's　the　matter！〃　he　exclaimed。　　〃I　can't
stand　this。　　Janet；　aren't　you　happy？〃

She　shook　her　head。

〃Why　not？　　I　love　you。　　II've　never　been　so　happy　in　my　life　as　I　was
this　morning。　　Why　aren't　you　happywhen　we　love　each　other？〃

〃Because　I'm　not。〃

〃Why　not？　　There's　nothing　I　wouldn't　do　to　make　you　happyyou　know
that。　　Tell　me！〃

〃You　wouldn't　understand。　　I　couldn't　make　you　understand。〃

〃Is　it　something　I've　done？〃

〃You　don't　love　me；〃　she　said。　　〃You　only　want　me。　　I'm　not　made　that
way；　I'm　not　generous　enough；　I　guess。　　I've　got　to　have　work　to　do。〃

〃Work　to　do！　　But　you'll　share　my　workit's　nothing　without　you。〃

She　shook　her　head。　　〃I　knew　you　couldn't　understand。　　You　don't　realize
how　impossible　it　is。　　I　don't　blame　youI　suppose　a　man　can't。〃

She　was　not　upbraiding　him；　she　spoke　quietly；　in　a　tone　almost　lifeless；
yet　the　emotional　effect　of　it　was　tremendous。

〃But；〃　he　began；　and　stopped；　and　was　swept　on　again　by　an　impulse　that
drowned　all　caution；　all　reason。　　〃But　you　can　help　mewhen　we　are
married。〃

〃Married！〃　she　repeated。　　〃You　want　to　marry　me？〃

〃Yes；　yesI　need　you。〃　　He　took　her　hands；　he　felt　them　tremble　in　his；
her　breath　came　quickly；　but　her　gaze　was　so　intent　as　seemingly　to
penetrate　to　the　depths　of　him。　　And　despite　his　man's　amazement　at　her
hesitation　now　that　he　had　offered　her　his　all；　he　was　moved；　disturbed；
ashamed　as　he　had　never　been　in　his　life。　　At　length；　when　he　could　stand
no　longer　the　suspense　of　this　inquisition；　he　stammered　out：　〃I　want　you
to　be　my　wife。〃

〃You've　wanted　to　marry　me　all　along？〃　she　asked。

〃I　didn't　think；　Janet。　　I　was　mad　about　you。　　I　didn't　know　you。〃

〃Do　you　know　me　now？〃

〃That's　just　it；〃　he　cried；　with　a　flash　of　clairvoyance；　〃I　never　will
know　youit's　what　makes　you　different　from　any　woman　I've　ever　seen。
You'll　marry　me？〃

〃I'm　afraid；〃　she　said。　　〃Oh；　I've　thought　over　it；　and　you　haven't。　　A
woman　has　to　think；　a　man　doesn't；　so　much。　　And　now　you're　willing　to
marry　me；　if　you　can't　get　me　any　other　way。〃　　Her　hand　touched　his　coat；
checking　his　protest。　　〃It　isn't　that　I　want　marriagewhat　you　can　give
meI'm　not　like　that；　I've　told　you　so　before。　　But　I　couldn't　live　as
yourmistress。〃

The　word　on　her　lips　shocked　him　a　littlebut　her　courage　and　candour
thrilled　him。

〃If　I　stayed　here；　it　would　be　found　out。　　I　wouldn't　let　you　keep　me。
I'd　have　to　have　work；　you　see；　or　I'd　lose　my　self…respectit's　all
I've　gotI'd　kill　myself。〃　　She　spoke　as　calmly　as　though　she　were
reviewing　the　situation　objectively。　　〃And　then；　I've　thought　that　you
might　come　to　believe　you　really　wanted　to　marry　meyou　wouldn't　realize
what　you　were　doing；　or　what　might　happen　if　we　were　married。　　I've　tried
to　tell　you　that；　too；　only　you　didn't　seem　to　understand　what　I　was
saying。　　My　father's　only　a　gatekeeper；　we're　poorpoorer　than　some　of
the　operatives　in　the　mill；　and　the　people　you　know　here　in　Hampton
wouldn't　understand。　　Perhaps　you　think　you　wouldn't　care；　but〃　she
spoke　with　more　effort；　〃there　are　your　children。　　When　I've　thought　of
them；　it　all　seems　impossible。　　I'd　make　you　unhappyI　couldn't　bear　it；
I　wouldn't　stay　with　you。　　You　see；　I　ought　to　have　gone　away　long　ago。〃

Believing；　as　he　did；　that　marriage　was　the　goal　of　all　women；　even　of
the　best；　the　immediate　capitulation　he　had　expected　would　have　made
matters　far　less　difficult。　　But　these　scruples　of　hers；　so　startlingly
his　own；　her　disquieting　insight　into　his　entire　mental　process　had　a
momentary　checking　effect；　summoned　up　the　vague　presage　of　a　future　that
might　become　extremely　troublesome　and　complicated。　　His　very　reluctance
to　discuss　with　her　the　problem　she　had　raised　warned　him　that　he　had
been　swept　into　deep　waters。　　On　the　other　hand；　her　splendid　resistance
appealed　to　him；　enhanced　her　value。　　And　accustomed　as　he　had　been　to　a
lifelong　self…gratification；　the　thought　of　being　balked　in　this　supreme
desire　was　not　to　be　borne。　　Such　were　the　shades　of　his　feeling　as　he
listened　to　her。

〃That's　nonsense！〃　he　exclaimed；　when　she　had　finished。　　〃You're　a　lady
I　know　all　about　your　family；　I　remember　hearing　about　it　when　your
father　came　hereit's　as　good　as　any　in　New　England。　　What　do　you
suppose　I　care；　Janet？　　We　love　each　otherI've　got　to　have　you。　　We'll
be　married　in　the　spring；　when　the　rush　is　over。〃

He　drew　her　to　him　once　more；　and　suddenly；　in　the　ardour　of　that
embrace；　he　felt　her　tenseness　suddenly　relaxas　though；　against　her
willand　her　passion；　as　she　gave　her　lips；　vied　with　his　own。　　Her
lithe　body　trembled　convulsively；　her　cheeks　were　wet　as　she　clung　to　him
and　hid　her　face　in　his　shoulder。　　His　sensations　in　the　presence　of　this
thing　he　had　summoned　up　in　her　were　incomprehensible；　surpassing　any　he
had　ever　known。　　It　was　no　longer　a　woman　he　held　in　his　arms；　the　woman
he　craved；　but　something　greater；　more　fearful；　the　mystery　of　sorrow　and
suffering；　of　creation　and　lifeof　the　universe　itself。

〃Janetaren't　you　happy？〃　he　said　again。

She　released　herself　and　smiled　at　him　wistfully　through　her　tears。

〃I　don't　know。　　What　I　feel　doesn't　seem　like　happiness。　　I　can't　believe
in　it；　somehow。〃

〃You　must　believe　in　it；〃　he　said。

〃I　can't；perhaps　I　may；　later。　　You'd　better　go　now；〃　she　begged。
〃You'll　miss　your　train。〃

He　glanced　at　the　office　clock。　　〃Confound　it；　I　have　to。　　Listen！　　I'll
be　ba