the dwelling place of ligh-第30章

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she　had　difficulty　in　recognizing。　　〃I　didn't　mean　to　frighten；　to　offend
you；〃　he　went　on。　　〃Something　got　hold　of　me。　　I　was　crazy；　I　couldn't
help　itI　won't　do　it　again；　if　you'll　stay。　　I　give　you　my　word。〃

She　did　not　reply。　　After　a　pause　he　began　again；　repeating　himself。

〃I　didn't　mean　to　do　it。　　I　was　carried　awayit　all　happened　before　I
knew。　　II　wouldn't　frighten　you　that　way　for　anything　in　the　world。〃

Still　she　was　silent。

〃For　God's　sake；　speak　to　me！〃　he　cried。　　〃Say　you　forgive　megive　me
another　chance！〃

But　she　continued　to　gaze　at　him　with　widened；　enigmatic　eyeswhether　of
reproach　or　contempt　or　anger　he　could　not　say。　　The　situation
transcended　his　experience。　　He　took　an　uncertain　step　toward　her；　as
though　half　expecting　her　to　flee；　and　stopped。

〃Listen！〃　he　pleaded。　　〃I　can't　talk　to　you　here。　　Won't　you　give　me　a
chance　to　explainto　put　myself　right？　　You　know　what　I　think　of　you；
how　I　respect　andadmire　you。　　If　you'll　only　let　me　see　you　somewhere
anywhere；　outside　of　the　office；　for　a　little　while；　I　can't　tell　you　how
much　I'd　appreciate　it。　　I'm　sure　you　don't　understand　how　I　feelI
couldn't　bear　to　lose　you。　　I'll　be　down　by　the　canalnear　the　bridge
at　eight　o'clock　to…night。　　I'll　wait　for　you。　　You'll　come？　　Say　you'll
come；　and　give　me　another　chance！〃

〃Aren't　you　going　to　finish　your　letters？〃　she　asked。

He　stared　at　her　in　sheer　perplexity。　　〃Letters！〃　he　exclaimed。　　〃Damn
the　letters！　　Do　you　think　I　could　write　any　letters　now？〃

As　a　faint　ray　in　dark　waters；　a　gleam　seemed　to　dance　in　the　shadows　of
her　eyes；　yet　was　gone　so　swiftly　that　he　could　not　be　sure　of　having
seen　it。　　Had　she　smiled？

〃I'll　be　there；〃　he　cried。　　〃I'll　wait　for　you　〃

She　turned　from　him；　opened　the　door；　and　went　out。

That　evening；　as　Janet　was　wiping　the　dishes　handed　her　by　her　mother；
she　was　repeating　to　herself　〃Shall　I　goor　shan't　I？〃just　as　if　the
matter　were　in　doubt。　　But　in　her　heart　she　was　convinced　of　its
predetermination　by　some　power　other　than　her　own　volition。　　With　this
feeling；　that　she　really　had　no　choice；　that　she　was　being　guided　and
impelled；　she　went　to　her　bedroom　after　finishing　her　task。　　The　hands　of
the　old　dining…room　clock　pointed　to　quarter　of　eight；　and　Lise　had
already　made　her　toilet　and　departed。　　Janet　opened　the　wardrobe；　looked
at　the　new　blue　suit　hanging　so　neatly　on　its　wire　holder；　hesitated；　and
closed　the　door　again。　　Here；　at　any　rate；　seemed　a　choice。　　She　would
not　wear　that；　to…night。　　She　tidied　her　hair；　put　on　her　hat　and　coat；
and　went　out；　but　once　in　the　street　she　did　not　hurry；　though　she　knew
the　calmness　she　apparently　experienced　to　be　false：　the　calmness　of
fatality；　because　she　was　obeying　a　complicated　impulse　stronger　than
herselfan　impulse　that　at　times　seemed　mere　curiosity。　　Somewhere；
removed　from　her　immediate　consciousness；　a　storm　was　raging；　she　was
aware　of　a　disturbance　that　reached　her　faintly；　like　the　distant
throbbing　of　the　looms　she　heard　when　she　turned　from　Faber　into　West
Street　She　had　not　been　able　to　eat　any　supper。　　That　throbbing　of　the
looms　in　the　night！　　As　it　grew　louder　and　louder　the　tension　within　her
increased；　broke　its　bounds；　set　her　heart　to　throbbing　toothrobbing
wildly。　　She　halted；　and　went　on　again；　precipitately；　but　once　more
slowed　her　steps　as　she　came　to　West　Street　and　the　glare　of　light　at　the
end　of　the　bridge；　at　a　little　distance；　under　the　chequered　shadows　of
the　bare　branches；　she　saw　something　movea　man；　Ditmar。　　She　stood
motionless　as　he　hurried　toward　her。

〃You've　come！　　You've　forgiven　me？〃　he　asked。

〃Why　were　youdown　there？〃　she　asked。

〃Why？　　Because　I　thoughtI　thought　you　wouldn't　want　anybody　to　know〃

It　was　quite　natural　that　he　should　not　wish　to　be　seen；　although　she　had
no　feeling　of　guilt；　she　herself　did　not　wish　their　meeting　known。　　She
resented　the　subterfuge　in　him；　but　she　made　no　comment　because　his
perplexity；　his　embarrassment　were　gratifying　to　her　resentment；　were
restoring　her　self…possession；　giving　her　a　sense　of　power。

〃We　can't　stay　here；〃　he　went　on；　after　a　moment。　　〃Let's　take　a　little
walkI've　got　a　lot　to　say　to　you。　　I　want　to　put　myself　right。〃　　He
tried　to　take　her　arm；　but　she　avoided　him。　　They　started　along　the　canal
in　the　direction　of　the　Stanley　Street　bridge。　　〃Don't　you　care　for　me　a
little？〃　he　demanded。

〃Why　should　I？〃　　she　parried。

〃Thenwhy　did　you　come？〃

〃To　hear　what　you　had　to　say。〃

〃You　meanabout　this　afternoon？〃

〃Partly；〃　said　Janet。

〃Wellwe'll　talk　it　all　over。　　I　wanted　to　explain　about　this　afternoon；
especially。　　I'm　sorry〃

〃Sorry！〃　she　exclaimed。

The　vehemence　of　her　rebukefor　he　recognized　it　as　suchtook　him
completely　aback。　　Thus　she　was　wont；　at　the　most　unexpected　moments；　to
betray　the　passion　within　her；　the　passion　that　made　him　sick　with
desire。　　How　was　he　to　conquer　a　woman　of　this　type；　who　never　took
refuge　in　the　conventional　tactics　of　her　sex；　as　he　had　known　them？

〃I　didn't　mean　that；〃　he　explained　desperately。　　〃My　Godto　feel　you；　to
have　you　in　my　arms！　　I　was　sorry　because　I　frightened　you。　　But　when
you　came　near　me　that　way　I　just　couldn't　help　it。　　You　drove　me　to　it。〃

〃Drove　you　to　it！〃

〃You　don't　understand；　you　don't　know　howhow　wonderful　you　are。　　You
make　me　crazy。　　I　love　you；　I　want　you　as　I've　never　wanted　any　woman
beforein　a　different　way。　　I　can't　explain　it。　　I've　got　so　that　I
can't　live　without　you。〃　　He　flung　his　arm　toward　the　lights　of　the
mills。　　〃Thatthat　used　to　be　everything　to　me；　I　lived　for　it。　　I　don't
say　I've　been　a　saintbut　I　never　really　cared　anything　about　any　woman
until　I　knew　you；　until　that　day　I　went　through　the　office　and　saw　you
what　you　were。　　You　don't　understand；　I　tell　you。　　I'm　sorry　for　what　I
did　to…day　because　it　offended　youbut　you　drove　me　to　it。　　Most　of　the
time　you　seem　cold；　you're　like　an　iceberg；　you　make　me　think　you　hate
me；　and　then　all　of　a　sudden　you'll　be　kind；　as　you　were　the　other　night；
as　you　seemed　this　afternoonyou　make　me　think　I've　got　a　chance；　and
then；　when　you　came　near　me；　when　you　touched　my　handwhy；　I　didn't　know
what　I　was　doing。　　I　just　had　to　have　you。　　A　man　like　me　can't　stand
it。〃

〃Then　I'd　better　go　away；〃　she　said。　　〃I　ought　to　have　gone　long　ago。〃

〃Why？〃　he　cried。　　〃Why？　　What's　your　reason？　　Why　do　you　want　to　ruin　my
life？　　You'veyou've　woven　yourself　into　ityou're　a　part　of　it。　　I
never　knew　what　it　was　to　care　for　a　woman　before；　I　tell　you。　　There's
that　mill；〃　he　repeated；　naively。　　〃I've　made　it　the　best　mill　in　the
country；　I've　got　the　biggest　order　that　ever　came　to　any　millif　you
went　away　I　wouldn't　care　a　continental　about　it。　　If　you　went　away　I
wouldn't　have　any　ambition　left。　　Because　you're　a　part　of　it；　don't　you
see？　　Youyou　sort　of　stand　for　it　now；　in　my　mind。　　I'm　not　literary；　I
can't　express　what　I'd　like　to　say；　but　sometimes　I　used　to　think　of　that
mill　as　a　womanand　now　you've　come　along〃　Ditmar　stopped；　for　lack　of
adequate　eloquence。

She　smiled　in　the　darkness　at　his　boyish　fervour；one　of　the　aspects　of
the　successful　Ditmar；　the　Ditmar　of　great　affairs；　that　appealed　to　her
most　strongly。　　She　was　softened；　touched；　she　felt；　too；　a　responsive
thrill　to　such　a　desire　as　his。　　Yet　she　did　not　reply。　　She　could　not。
She　was　learning　that　emotion　is　never　simple。　　And　some　inhibition；　the
identity　of　which　was　temporarily　obscured　still　persisted；　pervading　her
consciousness。。。。

They　were　crossing　the　bridge　at　Stanley　Street；　now　deserted；　and　by
common　consent　they　paused　in　the　middle　of　it；　leaning　on　the　rail。　　The
hideous　chocolate　factory　on　the　point　was　concealed　by　the　night；only
the　lights　were　there；　trembling　on　the　surface　of　the　river。　　Against
the　flushed　sky　above　the　city　were　silhouetted　the　high　chimneys　of　the
power　plant。　　Ditmar's　shoulder　touched　hers。　　He　was　still　pleading；　but
she　seemed　rather　to　be　listening　to　the　symphony　of　the　unseen　waters
falling　over　the　dam。　　His　words　were　like　that；　suggestive　of　a　torrent
into　which　she　longed　to　fling　herself；　yet　refrained；　without　knowing
why。　　Her　hands　tightened　on　the　rail；　suddenly　she　let　it　go；　and　led
the　way　toward　the　unfrequented　district　of　the　south　side。　　It　was　the
road　to　Silliston；　but　she　had　forgotten　that。　　Ditmar；　regaining　her
side；　continued　his　pleading。　　He　spoke　of　his　loneliness；　which　he　had
never　realized。　　He　needed　her。　　And　she　experienced　an　answering　pang。
It　still　seemed　incredible　that　he；　too；　who　had　so　much；　should　feel
that　gnawing　need　for　human　sympathy　and　understanding　that　had　so　often
made　her　unhappy。　　And　because　of　the　response　his　need　aroused　in　her
she　did　not　reflect　whether　he　could　fulfil　her　own　need；　whether　he
could　ever　understand　her；　whether；　at　any　time；　she　could　unreservedly
pour　herself　out　to　him。

〃I　don't　see　why　you　want　me；〃　she　interrupted　him　at　last。　　〃I've　never
had　any　advantages；　I　don't　know　anything。　　I've　never　had　a　chance　to
learn。　　I've　told　you　that　before。〃

〃What　difference　does　that　make？　　You've　got　more　sense　than　any　woman　I
ever　saw；〃　he　declared。

〃It　makes　a　great　deal　of　difference　to　me；〃　she　insistedand　the　sound
of　these　words　on　her　own　lips　was　like　a　summons　arousing　her　from　a
dream。　　The　sordidness　of　her　life；　its　cruel　lack　of　opportunity　in
contrast　with　the　gifts　she　felt　to　be　hers；　and　on　which　he　had　dwelt；
was　swept　back　into　her　mind。　　Self…pity；　dignity；　and　inherent　self…
respect　struggled　against　her　woman's　desire　to　give；　an　inherited　racial
pride　whispered　that　she　was　worthy　of　the　best；　but　because　she　had
lacked　the　chance；　he　refrained　from　offering　her　what　he　would　have　laid
at　the　feet　of　another　woman。

〃I'll　give　you　advantagesthere's　nothing　I　wouldn't　give　you。　　Why
won't　you　come　to　me？　　I'll　take　care　of　you。〃

〃Do　you　think　I　want　to　be　taken　care　of？〃　　She　wheeled　on　him　so　swiftly
that　he　started　back。　　〃Is　that　what　you　think　I　want？〃

〃No；　no；〃　he　protested；　when　he　recovered　his　speech。

〃Do　you　think　I'm　afterwhat　you　can　give　me？〃　she　shot　at　him。　　〃　What
you　can　buy　for　me？〃

To　tell　the　truth；　he　had　not　thought　anything　about　it；　that　was　the
trouble。　　And　her　question；　instead　of　enlightening　him；　only　added　to
his　confusion　and　bewilderment。

〃I'm　always　getting　in　wrong　with　you；〃　he　told　her；　pathetically。
〃There　isn't　anything　I'd　stop　at　to　make　you　happy；　Janet；　that's　what
I'm　trying　to　say。　　I'd　go　the　limit。〃

〃Your　limit！〃　she　exclaimed。

〃What　do　you　mean？〃　he　demanded。　　But　she　had　become　inarticulate
cryptic；　to　him。　　He　could　get　nothing　more　out　of　her。

〃You　don't　understand　meyou　never　will！〃　she　cried；　and　burst　into
tearstears　of　rage　she　tried　in　vain　to　control。　　The　world　was　black
with　his　ignorance。　　She　hated　herself；　she　hated　him。　　Her　sobs　shook
her　convulsively；　and　she　scarcely　heard　him　as　he　walked　beside　her
along　the　empty　road；　pleading　and　clumsily　seeking　to　comfort　her。　　Once
or　twice　she　felt　his　hand　on　her　shoulders。。。。　　And　then；　unlooked　for
and　unbidden；　pity　began　to　invade　her。　　Absurd　to　pity　him！　　She　fought
against　it；　bu