the uncommercial traveller-第71章

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pointed　out　to　Bullfinch　the　alarming　circumstance　that　this

traveller　had　DINED。　　We　hurriedly　debated　whether；　without

infringement　of　good　breeding；　we　could　ask　him　to　disclose　if　he

had　partaken　of　mock…turtle；　sole；　curry；　or　roast　duck？　　We

decided　that　the　thing　could　not　be　politely　done；　and　we　had　set

our　own　stomachs　on　a　cast；　and　they　must　stand　the　hazard　of　the

die。



I　hold　phrenology；　within　certain　limits；　to　be　true；　I　am　much　of

the　same　mind　as　to　the　subtler　expressions　of　the　hand；　I　hold

physiognomy　to　be　infallible；　though　all　these　sciences　demand　rare

qualities　in　the　student。　　But　I　also　hold　that　there　is　no　more

certain　index　to　personal　character　than　the　condition　of　a　set　of

casters　is　to　the　character　of　any　hotel。　　Knowing；　and　having

often　tested　this　theory　of　mine；　Bullfinch　resigned　himself　to　the

worst；　when；　laying　aside　any　remaining　veil　of　disguise；　I　held　up

before　him　in　succession　the　cloudy　oil　and　furry　vinegar；　the

clogged　cayenne；　the　dirty　salt；　the　obscene　dregs　of　soy；　and　the

anchovy　sauce　in　a　flannel　waistcoat　of　decomposition。



We　went　out　to　transact　our　business。　　So　inspiriting　was　the

relief　of　passing　into　the　clean　and　windy　streets　of　Namelesston

from　the　heavy　and　vapid　closeness　of　the　coffee…room　of　the

Temeraire；　that　hope　began　to　revive　within　us。　　We　began　to

consider　that　perhaps　the　lonely　traveller　had　taken　physic；　or

done　something　injudicious　to　bring　his　complaint　on。　　Bullfinch

remarked　that　he　thought　the　waiter　who　ought　to　wait　upon　us　had

brightened　a　little　when　suggesting　curry；　and　although　I　knew　him

to　have　been　at　that　moment　the　express　image　of　despair；　I　allowed

myself　to　become　elevated　in　spirits。　　As　we　walked　by　the　softly…

lapping　sea；　all　the　notabilities　of　Namelesston；　who　are　for　ever

going　up　and　down　with　the　changelessness　of　the　tides；　passed　to

and　fro　in　procession。　　Pretty　girls　on　horseback；　and　with

detested　riding…masters；　pretty　girls　on　foot；　mature　ladies　in

hats；　…　spectacled；　strong…minded；　and　glaring　at　the　opposite　or

weaker　sex。　　The　Stock　Exchange　was　strongly　represented；　Jerusalem

was　strongly　represented；　the　bores　of　the　prosier　London　clubs

were　strongly　represented。　　Fortune…hunters　of　all　denominations

were　there；　from　hirsute　insolvency；　in　a　curricle；　to　closely…

buttoned　swindlery　in　doubtful　boots；　on　the　sharp　look…out　for　any

likely　young　gentleman　disposed　to　play　a　game　at　billiards　round

the　corner。　　Masters　of　languages；　their　lessons　finished　for　the

day；　were　going　to　their　homes　out　of　sight　of　the　sea；　mistresses

of　accomplishments；　carrying　small　portfolios；　likewise　tripped

homeward；　pairs　of　scholastic　pupils；　two　and　two；　went　languidly

along　the　beach；　surveying　the　face　of　the　waters　as　if　waiting　for

some　Ark　to　come　and　take　them　off。　　Spectres　of　the　George　the

Fourth　days　flitted　unsteadily　among　the　crowd；　bearing　the　outward

semblance　of　ancient　dandies；　of　every　one　of　whom　it　might　be

said；　not　that　he　had　one　leg　in　the　grave；　or　both　legs；　but　that

he　was　steeped　in　grave　to　the　summit　of　his　high　shirt…collar；　and

had　nothing　real　about　him　but　his　bones。　　Alone　stationary　in　the

midst　of　all　the　movements；　the　Namelesston　boatmen　leaned　against

the　railings　and　yawned；　and　looked　out　to　sea；　or　looked　at　the

moored　fishing…boats　and　at　nothing。　　Such　is　the　unchanging　manner

of　life　with　this　nursery　of　our　hardy　seamen；　and　very　dry　nurses

they　are；　and　always　wanting　something　to　drink。　　The　only　two

nautical　personages　detached　from　the　railing　were　the　two

fortunate　possessors　of　the　celebrated　monstrous　unknown　barking…

fish；　just　caught　（frequently　just　caught　off　Namelesston）；　who

carried　him　about　in　a　hamper；　and　pressed　the　scientific　to　look

in　at　the　lid。



The　sands　of　the　hour　had　all　run　out　when　we　got　back　to　the

Temeraire。　　Says　Bullfinch；　then；　to　the　youth　in　livery；　with

boldness；　'Lavatory！'



When　we　arrived　at　the　family　vault　with　a　skylight；　which　the

youth　in　livery　presented　as　the　institution　sought；　we　had　already

whisked　off　our　cravats　and　coats；　but　finding　ourselves　in　the

presence　of　an　evil　smell；　and　no　linen　but　two　crumpled　towels

newly　damp　from　the　countenances　of　two　somebody　elses；　we　put　on

our　cravats　and　coats　again；　and　fled　unwashed　to　the　coffee…room。



There　the　waiter　who　ought　to　wait　upon　us　had　set　forth　our　knives

and　forks　and　glasses；　on　the　cloth　whose　dirty　acquaintance　we　had

already　had　the　pleasure　of　making；　and　which　we　were　pleased　to

recognise　by　the　familiar　expression　of　its　stains。　　And　now　there

occurred　the　truly　surprising　phenomenon；　that　the　waiter　who　ought

not　to　wait　upon　us　swooped　down　upon　us；　clutched　our　loaf　of

bread；　and　vanished　with　the　same。



Bullfinch；　with　distracted　eyes；　was　following　this　unaccountable

figure　'out　at　the　portal；'　like　the　ghost　in　Hamlet；　when　the

waiter　who　ought　to　wait　upon　us　jostled　against　it；　carrying　a

tureen。



'Waiter！'　said　a　severe　diner；　lately　finished；　perusing　his　bill

fiercely　through　his　eye…glass。



The　waiter　put　down　our　tureen　on　a　remote　side…table；　and　went　to

see　what　was　amiss　in　this　new　direction。



'This　is　not　right；　you　know；　waiter。　　Look　here！　here's

yesterday's　sherry；　one　and　eightpence；　and　here　we　are　again；　two

shillings。　　And　what　does　sixpence　mean？'



So　far　from　knowing　what　sixpence　meant；　the　waiter　protested　that

he　didn't　know　what　anything　meant。　　He　wiped　the　perspiration　from

his　clammy　brow；　and　said　it　was　impossible　to　do　it；　…　not

particularising　what；　…　and　the　kitchen　was　so　far　off。



'Take　the　bill　to　the　bar；　and　get　it　altered；'　said　Mr。

Indignation　Cocker；　so　to　call　him。



The　waiter　took　it；　looked　intensely　at　it；　didn't　seem　to　like　the

idea　of　taking　it　to　the　bar；　and　submitted；　as　a　new　light　upon

the　case；　that　perhaps　sixpence　meant　sixpence。



'I　tell　you　again；'　said　Mr。　Indignation　Cocker；　'here's

yesterday's　sherry　…　can't　you　see　it？　…　one　and　eightpence；　and

here　we　are　again；　two　shillings。　　What　do　you　make　of　one　and

eightpence　and　two　shillings？'



Totally　unable　to　make　anything　of　one　and　eightpence　and　two

shillings；　the　waiter　went　out　to　try　if　anybody　else　could；　merely

casting　a　helpless　backward　glance　at　Bullfinch；　in　acknowledgement

of　his　pathetic　entreaties　for　our　soup…tureen。　　After　a　pause；

during　which　Mr。　Indignation　Cocker　read　a　newspaper　and　coughed

defiant　coughs；　Bullfinch　arose　to　get　the　tureen；　when　the　waiter

reappeared　and　brought　it；　…　dropping　Mr。　Indignation　Cocker's

altered　bill　on　Mr。　Indignation　Cocker's　table　as　he　came　along。



'It's　quite　impossible　to　do　it；　gentlemen；'　murmured　the　waiter；

'and　the　kitchen　is　so　far　off。'



'Well；　you　don't　keep　the　house；　it's　not　your　fault；　we　suppose。

Bring　some　sherry。'



'Waiter！'　from　Mr。　Indignation　Cocker；　with　a　new　and　burning　sense

of　injury　upon　him。



The　waiter；　arrested　on　his　way　to　our　sherry；　stopped　short；　and

came　back　to　see　what　was　wrong　now。



'Will　you　look　here？　　This　is　worse　than　before。　　DO　you

understand？　　Here's　yesterday's　sherry；　one　and　eightpence；　and

here　we　are　again　two　shillings。　　And　what　the　devil　does　ninepence

mean？'



This　new　portent　utterly　confounded　the　waiter。　　He　wrung　his

napkin；　and　mutely　appealed　to　the　ceiling。



'Waiter；　fetch　that　sherry；'　says　Bullfinch；　in　open　wrath　and

revolt。



'I　want　to　know；'　persisted　Mr。　Indignation　Cocker；　'the　meaning　of

ninepence。　　I　want　to　know　the　meaning　of　sherry　one　and　eightpence

yesterday；　and　of　here　we　are　again　two　shillings。　　Send　somebody。'



The　distracted　waiter　got　out　of　the　room　on　pretext　of　sending

somebody；　and　by　that　means　got　our　wine。　　But　the　instant　he

appeared　with　our　decanter；　Mr。　Indignation　Cocker　descended　on　him

again。



'Waiter！'



'You　will　now　have　the　goodness　to　attend　to　our　dinner；　waiter；'

said　Bullfinch；　sternly。



'I　am　very　sorry；　but　it's　quite　impossible　to　do　it；　gentlemen；'

pleaded　the　waiter；　'and　the　kitchen　…　'



'Waiter！'　said　Mr。　Indignation　Cocker。



'　…　Is；'　resumed　the　waiter；　'so　far　off；　that　…　'



'Waiter！'　persisted　Mr。　Indignation　Cocker；　'send　somebody。'



We　were　not　without　our　fears　that　the　waiter　rushed　out　to　hang

himself；　and　we　were　much　relieved　by　his　fetching　somebody；　…　in

graceful；　flowing　skirts　and　with　a　waist；　…　who　very　soon　settled

Mr。　Indignation　Cocker's　business。



'Oh！'　said　Mr。　Cocker；　with　his　fire　surprisingly　quenched　by　this

apparition；　'I　wished　to　ask　about　this　bill　of　mine；　because　it

appears　to　me　that　there's　a　little　mistake　here。　　Let　me　show　you。

Here's　yesterday's　sherry　one　and　eightpence；　and　here　we　are　again

two　shillings。　　And　how　do　you　explain　ninepence？'



However　it　was　explained；　in　tones　too　soft　to　be　overheard。　　Mr。

Cocker　was　heard　to　say　nothing　more　than　'Ah…h…h！　　Indeed；　thank

you！　　Yes；'　and　shortly　afterwards　went　out；　a　milder　man。



The　lonely　traveller　with　the　stomach…ache　had　all　this　time

suffered　severely；　drawing　up　a　leg　now　and　then；　and　sipping　hot

brandy…and…water　with　grated　ginger　in　it。　　When　we　tasted　our

（very）　mock…turtle　soup；　and　were　instantly　seized　with　symptoms　of

some　disorder　simulating　apoplexy；　and　occasioned　by　the　surcharge

of　nose　and　brain　with　lukewarm　dish…water　holding　in　solution　sour

flour；　poisonous　condiments；　and　（say）　seventy…five　per　cent。　of

miscellaneous　kitchen　stuff　rolled　into　balls；　we　were　inclined　to

trace　his　disorder　to　that　source。　　On　the　other　hand；　there　was　a

silent　anguish　upon　him　too　strongly　resembling　the　results

established　within　ourselves　by　the　sherry；　to　be　discarded　from

alarmed　consideration。　　Again；　we　observed　him；　with　terror；　to　be

much　overcome　by　our　sole's　being　aired　in　a　temporary　retreat

close　to　him；　while　the　waiter　went　out　（as　we　conceived）　to　see

his　friends。　　And　when　the　curry　made　its　appearance　he　suddenly

retired　in　great　disorder。



In　fine；　for　the　uneatable　part　of　this　little　dinner　（as

contradistinguished　from　the　undrinkable）　we　paid　only　seven

shillings　and　sixpence　each。　　And　Bullfinch　and　I　agreed

unanimously；　that　no　such　ill…served；　ill…appointed；　ill…cooked；

nasty　little　dinner　could　be　got　for　the　money　anywhere　else　under

the　sun。　　With　that　comfort　to　our　backs；　we　turned　them　on　the

dear　old　Temeraire；　the　charging　Temeraire；　and　resolved　（in　the

Scotch　dialect）　to　gang　nae　mair　to　the　flabby　Temeraire。







CHAPTER　XXXIV　…　MR。　BARLOW







A　great　reader　of　good　fiction　at　an　unusually　early　age；　it　seems

to　me　as　though　I　had　been　born　under　the　superintendence　of　the

estimable　but　terrific　gentleman　whose　name　stands　at　the　head　of

my　present　reflections。　　The　instructive　monomaniac；　Mr。　Barlow；

will　be　rememb