the uncommercial traveller-第58章

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persuaded　to　remain　by　the　P。　Salcy　family；　fifteen　dramatic

subjects　strong。



There　was　a　Fair　besides。　　The　double　persuasion　being

irresistible；　and　my　sponge　being　left　behind　at　the　last　Hotel；　I

made　the　tour　of　the　little　town　to　buy　another。　　In　the　small

sunny　shops　…　mercers；　opticians；　and　druggist…grocers；　with　here

and　there　an　emporium　of　religious　images　…　the　gravest　of　old

spectacled　Flemish　husbands　and　wives　sat　contemplating　one　another

across　bare　counters；　while　the　wasps；　who　seemed　to　have　taken

military　possession　of　the　town；　and　to　have　placed　it　under　wasp…

martial　law；　executed　warlike　manoeuvres　in　the　windows。　　Other

shops　the　wasps　had　entirely　to　themselves；　and　nobody　cared　and

nobody　came　when　I　beat　with　a　five…franc　piece　upon　the　board　of

custom。　　What　I　sought　was　no　more　to　be　found　than　if　I　had　sought

a　nugget　of　Californian　gold：　　so　I　went；　spongeless；　to　pass　the

evening　with　the　Family　P。　Salcy。



The　members　of　the　Family　P。　Salcy　were　so　fat　and　so　like　one

another　…　fathers；　mothers；　sisters；　brothers；　uncles；　and　aunts　…

that　I　think　the　local　audience　were　much　confused　about　the　plot

of　the　piece　under　representation；　and　to　the　last　expected　that

everybody　must　turn　out　to　be　the　long…lost　relative　of　everybody

else。　　The　Theatre　was　established　on　the　top　story　of　the　Hotel　de

Ville；　and　was　approached　by　a　long　bare　staircase；　whereon；　in　an

airy　situation；　one　of　the　P。　Salcy　Family　…　a　stout　gentleman

imperfectly　repressed　by　a　belt　…　took　the　money。　　This　occasioned

the　greatest　excitement　of　the　evening；　for；　no　sooner　did　the

curtain　rise　on　the　introductory　Vaudeville；　and　reveal　in　the

person　of　the　young　lover　（singing　a　very　short　song　with　his

eyebrows）　apparently　the　very　same　identical　stout　gentleman

imperfectly　repressed　by　a　belt；　than　everybody　rushed　out　to　the

paying…place；　to　ascertain　whether　he　could　possibly　have　put　on

that　dress…coat；　that　clear　complexion；　and　those　arched　black

vocal　eyebrows；　in　so　short　a　space　of　time。　　It　then　became

manifest　that　this　was　another　stout　gentleman　imperfectly

repressed　by　a　belt：　　to　whom；　before　the　spectators　had　recovered

their　presence　of　mind；　entered　a　third　stout　gentleman　imperfectly

repressed　by　a　belt；　exactly　like　him。　　These　two　'subjects；'

making　with　the　money…taker　three　of　the　announced　fifteen；　fell

into　conversation　touching　a　charming　young　widow：　　who；　presently

appearing；　proved　to　be　a　stout　lady　altogether　irrepressible　by

any　means　…　quite　a　parallel　case　to　the　American　Negro　…　fourth　of

the　fifteen　subjects；　and　sister　of　the　fifth　who　presided　over　the

check…department。　　In　good　time　the　whole　of　the　fifteen　subjects

were　dramatically　presented；　and　we　had　the　inevitable　Ma　Mere；　Ma

Mere！　and　also　the　inevitable　malediction　d'un　pere；　and　likewise

the　inevitable　Marquis；　and　also　the　inevitable　provincial　young

man；　weak…minded　but　faithful；　who　followed　Julie　to　Paris；　and

cried　and　laughed　and　choked　all　at　once。　　The　story　was　wrought

out　with　the　help　of　a　virtuous　spinning…wheel　in　the　beginning；　a

vicious　set　of　diamonds　in　the　middle；　and　a　rheumatic　blessing

（which　arrived　by　post）　from　Ma　Mere　towards　the　end；　the　whole

resulting　in　a　small　sword　in　the　body　of　one　of　the　stout

gentlemen　imperfectly　repressed　by　a　belt；　fifty　thousand　francs

per　annum　and　a　decoration　to　the　other　stout　gentleman　imperfectly

repressed　by　a　belt；　and　an　assurance　from　everybody　to　the

provincial　young　man　that　if　he　were　not　supremely　happy　…　which　he

seemed　to　have　no　reason　whatever　for　being　…　he　ought　to　be。　　This

afforded　him　a　final　opportunity　of　crying　and　laughing　and　choking

all　at　once；　and　sent　the　audience　home　sentimentally　delighted。

Audience　more　attentive　or　better　behaved　there　could　not　possibly

be；　though　the　places　of　second　rank　in　the　Theatre　of　the　Family

P。　Salcy　were　sixpence　each　in　English　money；　and　the　places　of

first　rank　a　shilling。　　How　the　fifteen　subjects　ever　got　so　fat

upon　it；　the　kind　Heavens　know。



What　gorgeous　china　figures　of　knights　and　ladies；　gilded　till　they

gleamed　again；　I　might　have　bought　at　the　Fair　for　the　garniture　of

my　home；　if　I　had　been　a　French…Flemish　peasant；　and　had　had　the

money！　　What　shining　coffee…cups　and　saucers　I　might　have　won　at

the　turntables；　if　I　had　had　the　luck！　　Ravishing　perfumery　also；

and　sweetmeats；　I　might　have　speculated　in；　or　I　might　have　fired

for　prizes　at　a　multitude　of　little　dolls　in　niches；　and　might　have

hit　the　doll　of　dolls；　and　won　francs　and　fame。　　Or；　being　a

French…Flemish　youth；　I　might　have　been　drawn　in　a　hand…cart　by　my

compeers；　to　tilt　for　municipal　rewards　at　the　water…quintain；

which；　unless　I　sent　my　lance　clean　through　the　ring；　emptied　a

full　bucket　over　me；　to　fend　off　which；　the　competitors　wore

grotesque　old　scarecrow　hats。　　Or；　being　French…Flemish　man　or

woman；　boy　or　girl；　I　might　have　circled　all　night　on　my　hobby…

horse　in　a　stately　cavalcade　of　hobby…horses　four　abreast；

interspersed　with　triumphal　cars；　going　round　and　round　and　round

and　round；　we　the　goodly　company　singing　a　ceaseless　chorus　to　the

music　of　the　barrel…organ；　drum；　and　cymbals。　　On　the　whole；　not

more　monotonous　than　the　Ring　in　Hyde　Park；　London；　and　much

merrier；　for　when　do　the　circling　company　sing　chorus；　THERE；　to

the　barrel…organ；　when　do　the　ladies　embrace　their　horses　round　the

neck　with　both　arms；　when　do　the　gentlemen　fan　the　ladies　with　the

tails　of　their　gallant　steeds？　　On　all　these　revolving　delights；

and　on　their　own　especial　lamps　and　Chinese　lanterns　revolving　with

them；　the　thoughtful　weaver…face　brightens；　and　the　Hotel　de　Ville

sheds　an　illuminated　line　of　gaslight：　　while　above　it；　the　Eagle

of　France；　gas…outlined　and　apparently　afflicted　with　the

prevailing　infirmities　that　have　lighted　on　the　poultry；　is　in　a

very　undecided　state　of　policy；　and　as　a　bird　moulting。　　Flags

flutter　all　around。　　Such　is　the　prevailing　gaiety　that　the　keeper

of　the　prison　sits　on　the　stone　steps　outside　the　prison…door；　to

have　a　look　at　the　world　that　is　not　locked　up；　while　that

agreeable　retreat；　the　wine…shop　opposite　to　the　prison　in　the

prison…alley　（its　sign　La　Tranquillite；　because　of　its　charming

situation）；　resounds　with　the　voices　of　the　shepherds　and

shepherdesses　who　resort　there　this　festive　night。　　And　it　reminds

me　that　only　this　afternoon；　I　saw　a　shepherd　in　trouble；　tending

this　way；　over　the　jagged　stones　of　a　neighbouring　street。　　A

magnificent　sight　it　was；　to　behold　him　in　his　blouse；　a　feeble

little　jog…trot　rustic；　swept　along　by　the　wind　of　two　immense

gendarmes；　in　cocked…hats　for　which　the　street　was　hardly　wide

enough；　each　carrying　a　bundle　of　stolen　property　that　would　not

have　held　his　shoulder…knot；　and　clanking　a　sabre　that　dwarfed　the

prisoner。



'Messieurs　et　Mesdames；　I　present　to　you　at　this　Fair；　as　a　mark　of

my　confidence　in　the　people　of　this　so…renowned　town；　and　as　an　act

of　homage　to　their　good　sense　and　fine　taste；　the　Ventriloquist；

the　Ventriloquist！　　Further；　Messieurs　et　Mesdames；　I　present　to

you　the　Face…Maker；　the　Physiognomist；　the　great　Changer　of

Countenances；　who　transforms　the　features　that　Heaven　has　bestowed

upon　him　into　an　endless　succession　of　surprising　and　extraordinary

visages；　comprehending；　Messieurs　et　Mesdames；　all　the　contortions；

energetic　and　expressive；　of　which　the　human　face　is　capable；　and

all　the　passions　of　the　human　heart；　as　Love；　Jealousy；　Revenge；

Hatred；　Avarice；　Despair！　　Hi　hi！　　Ho　ho！　　Lu　lu！　　Come　in！'　　To

this　effect；　with　an　occasional　smite　upon　a　sonorous　kind　of

tambourine　…　bestowed　with　a　will；　as　if　it　represented　the　people

who　won't　come　in　…　holds　forth　a　man　of　lofty　and　severe

demeanour；　a　man　in　stately　uniform；　gloomy　with　the　knowledge　he

possesses　of　the　inner　secrets　of　the　booth。　　'Come　in；　come　in！

Your　opportunity　presents　itself　to…night；　to…morrow　it　will　be

gone　for　ever。　　To…morrow　morning　by　the　Express　Train　the　railroad

will　reclaim　the　Ventriloquist　and　the　Face…Maker！　　Algeria　will

reclaim　the　Ventriloquist　and　the　Face…Maker！　　Yes！　　For　the　honour

of　their　country　they　have　accepted　propositions　of　a　magnitude

incredible；　to　appear　in　Algeria。　　See　them　for　the　last　time

before　their　departure！　　We　go　to　commence　on　the　instant。　　Hi　hi！

Ho　ho！　　Lu　lu！　　Come　in！　　Take　the　money　that　now　ascends；　Madame；

but　after　that；　no　more；　for　we　commence！　　Come　in！'



Nevertheless；　the　eyes　both　of　the　gloomy　Speaker　and　of　Madame

receiving　sous　in　a　muslin　bower；　survey　the　crowd　pretty　sharply

after　the　ascending　money　has　ascended；　to　detect　any　lingering

sous　at　the　turning…point。　　'Come　in；　come　in！　　Is　there　any　more

money；　Madame；　on　the　point　of　ascending？　　If　so；　we　wait　for　it。

If　not；　we　commence！'　　The　orator　looks　back　over　his　shoulder　to

say　it；　lashing　the　spectators　with　the　conviction　that　he　beholds

through　the　folds　of　the　drapery　into　which　he　is　about　to　plunge；

the　Ventriloquist　and　the　Face…Maker。　　Several　sous　burst　out　of

pockets；　and　ascend。　　'Come　up；　then；　Messieurs！'　exclaims　Madame

in　a　shrill　voice；　and　beckoning　with　a　bejewelled　finger。　　'Come

up！　　This　presses。　　Monsieur　has　commanded　that　they　commence！'

Monsieur　dives　into　his　Interior；　and　the　last　half…dozen　of　us

follow。　　His　Interior　is　comparatively　severe；　his　Exterior　also。

A　true　Temple　of　Art　needs　nothing　but　seats；　drapery；　a　small

table　with　two　moderator　lamps　hanging　over　it；　and　an　ornamental

looking…glass　let　into　the　wall。　　Monsieur　in　uniform　gets　behind

the　table　and　surveys　us　with　disdain；　his　forehead　becoming

diabolically　intellectual　under　the　moderators。　　'Messieurs　et

Mesdames；　I　present　to　you　the　Ventriloquist。　　He　will　commence

with　the　celebrated　Experience　of　the　bee　in　the　window。　　The　bee；

apparently　the　veritable　bee　of　Nature；　will　hover　in　the　window；

and　about　the　room。　　He　will　be　with　difficulty　caught　in　the　hand

of　Monsieur　the　Ventriloquist　…　he　will　escape　…　he　will　again

hover　…　at　length　he　will　be　recaptured　by　Monsieur　the

Ventriloquist；　and　will　be　with　difficulty　put　into　a　bottle。

Achieve　then；　Monsieur！'　　Here　the　proprietor　is　replaced　behind

the　table　by　the　Ventriloquist；　who　is　thin　and　sallow；　and　of　a

weakly　aspect。　　While　the　bee　is　in　progress；　Monsieur　the

Proprietor　sits　apart　on　a　stool；　immersed　in　dark　and　remote

thought。　　The　moment　the　bee　is　bottled；　he　stalks　forward；　eyes　us

gloomily　as　we　applaud；　and　then　announces；　sternly　waving　his

hand：　　'The　magnificent　Experience　of　the　child　with　the　whooping…

cough！'　　The　child　disposed　of；　he　starts　up　as　before。　　'The

superb　and　extraordinary　Experience　of　the　dialogue　between

Monsieur　Tatambour　in　his　dining…room；　and　his　domestic；　Jerome；　in

the　cellar；　concluding　with　the　songsters　of　the　grove；　and　the

Co