the uncommercial traveller-第35章

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Mrs。　Klem's　beseeching　me　to　sanction　the　sheltering　of　Miss　Klem

under　that　roof　for　a　single　night；　'between　her　takin'　care　of　the

upper　part　in　Pall　Mall　which　the　family　of　his　back；　and　a　'ouse

in　Serjameses…street；　which　the　family　of　leaves　towng　ter…morrer。'

I　gave　my　gracious　consent　（having　nothing　that　I　know　of　to　do

with　it）；　and　in　the　shadowy　hours　Miss　Klem　became　perceptible　on

the　door…step；　wrestling　with　a　bed　in　a　bundle。　　Where　she　made　it

up　for　the　night　I　cannot　positively　state；　but；　I　think；　in　a

sink。　　I　know　that　with　the　instinct　of　a　reptile　or　an　insect；　she

stowed　it　and　herself　away　in　deep　obscurity。　　In　the　Klem　family；

I　have　noticed　another　remarkable　gift　of　nature；　and　that　is　a

power　they　possess　of　converting　everything　into　flue。　　Such　broken

victuals　as　they　take　by　stealth；　appear　（whatever　the　nature　of

the　viands）　invariably　to　generate　flue；　and　even　the　nightly　pint

of　beer；　instead　of　assimilating　naturally；　strikes　me　as　breaking

out　in　that　form；　equally　on　the　shabby　gown　of　Mrs。　Klem；　and　the

threadbare　coat　of　her　husband。



Mrs。　Klem　has　no　idea　of　my　name　…　as　to　Mr。　Klem　he　has　no　idea　of

anything　…　and　only　knows　me　as　her　good　gentleman。　　Thus；　if

doubtful　whether　I　am　in　my　room　or　no；　Mrs。　Klem　taps　at　the　door

and　says；　'Is　my　good　gentleman　here？'　　Or；　if　a　messenger　desiring

to　see　me　were　consistent　with　my　solitude；　she　would　show　him　in

with　'Here　is　my　good　gentleman。'　　I　find　this　to　be　a　generic

custom。　　For；　I　meant　to　have　observed　before　now；　that　in　its

Arcadian　time　all　my　part　of　London　is　indistinctly　pervaded　by　the

Klem　species。　　They　creep　about　with　beds；　and　go　to　bed　in　miles

of　deserted　houses。　　They　hold　no　companionship　except　that

sometimes；　after　dark；　two　of　them　will　emerge　from　opposite

houses；　and　meet　in　the　middle　of　the　road　as　on　neutral　ground；　or

will　peep　from　adjoining　houses　over　an　interposing　barrier　of　area

railings；　and　compare　a　few　reserved　mistrustful　notes　respecting

their　good　ladies　or　good　gentlemen。　　This　I　have　discovered　in　the

course　of　various　solitary　rambles　I　have　taken　Northward　from　my

retirement；　along　the　awful　perspectives　of　Wimpole…street；　Harley…

street；　and　similar　frowning　regions。　　Their　effect　would　be

scarcely　distinguishable　from　that　of　the　primeval　forests；　but　for

the　Klem　stragglers；　these　may　be　dimly　observed；　when　the　heavy

shadows　fall；　flitting　to　and　fro；　putting　up　the　door…chain；

taking　in　the　pint　of　beer；　lowering　like　phantoms　at　the　dark

parlour　windows；　or　secretly　consorting　underground　with　the　dust…

bin　and　the　water…cistern。



In　the　Burlington　Arcade；　I　observe；　with　peculiar　pleasure；　a

primitive　state　of　manners　to　have　superseded　the　baneful

influences　of　ultra　civilisation。　　Nothing　can　surpass　the

innocence　of　the　ladies'　shoe…shops；　the　artificial…flower

repositories；　and　the　head…dress　depots。　　They　are　in　strange　hands

at　this　time　of　year　…　hands　of　unaccustomed　persons；　who　are

imperfectly　acquainted　with　the　prices　of　the　goods；　and

contemplate　them　with　unsophisticated　delight　and　wonder。　　The

children　of　these　virtuous　people　exchange　familiarities　in　the

Arcade；　and　temper　the　asperity　of　the　two　tall　beadles。　　Their

youthful　prattle　blends　in　an　unwonted　manner　with　the　harmonious

shade　of　the　scene；　and　the　general　effect　is；　as　of　the　voices　of

birds　in　a　grove。　　In　this　happy　restoration　of　the　golden　time；　it

has　been　my　privilege　even　to　see　the　bigger　beadle's　wife。　　She

brought　him　his　dinner　in　a　basin；　and　he　ate　it　in　his　arm…chair；

and　afterwards　fell　asleep　like　a　satiated　child。　　At　Mr。

Truefitt's；　the　excellent　hairdresser's；　they　are　learning　French

to　beguile　the　time；　and　even　the　few　solitaries　left　on　guard　at

Mr。　Atkinson's；　the　perfumer's　round　the　corner　（generally　the　most

inexorable　gentleman　in　London；　and　the　most　scornful　of　three…and…

sixpence）；　condescend　a　little；　as　they　drowsily　bide　or　recall

their　turn　for　chasing　the　ebbing　Neptune　on　the　ribbed　sea…sand。

From　Messrs。　Hunt　and　Roskell's；　the　jewellers；　all　things　are

absent　but　the　precious　stones；　and　the　gold　and　silver；　and　the

soldierly　pensioner　at　the　door　with　his　decorated　breast。　　I　might

stand　night　and　day　for　a　month　to　come；　in　Saville…row；　with　my

tongue　out；　yet　not　find　a　doctor　to　look　at　it　for　love　or　money。

The　dentists'　instruments　are　rusting　in　their　drawers；　and　their

horrible　cool　parlours；　where　people　pretend　to　read　the　Every…Day

Book　and　not　to　be　afraid；　are　doing　penance　for　their　grimness　in

white　sheets。　　The　light…weight　of　shrewd　appearance；　with　one　eye

always　shut　up；　as　if　he　were　eating　a　sharp　gooseberry　in　all

seasons；　who　usually　stands　at　the　gateway　of　the　livery…stables　on

very　little　legs　under　a　very　large　waistcoat；　has　gone　to

Doncaster。　　Of　such　undesigning　aspect　is　his　guileless　yard　now；

with　its　gravel　and　scarlet　beans；　and　the　yellow　Break　housed

under　a　glass　roof　in　a　corner；　that　I　almost　believe　I　could　not

be　taken　in　there；　if　I　tried。　　In　the　places　of　business　of　the

great　tailors；　the　cheval…glasses　are　dim　and　dusty　for　lack　of

being　looked　into。　　Ranges　of　brown　paper　coat　and　waistcoat　bodies

look　as　funereal　as　if　they　were　the　hatchments　of　the　customers

with　whose　names　they　are　inscribed；　the　measuring　tapes　hang　idle

on　the　wall；　the　order…taker；　left　on　the　hopeless　chance　of　some

one　looking　in；　yawns　in　the　last　extremity　over　the　book　of

patterns；　as　if　he　were　trying　to　read　that　entertaining　library。

The　hotels　in　Brook…street　have　no　one　in　them；　and　the　staffs　of

servants　stare　disconsolately　for　next　season　out　of　all　the

windows。　　The　very　man　who　goes　about　like　an　erect　Turtle；　between

two　boards　recommendatory　of　the　Sixteen　Shilling　Trousers；　is

aware　of　himself　as　a　hollow　mockery；　and　eats　filberts　while　he

leans　his　hinder　shell　against　a　wall。



Among　these　tranquillising　objects；　it　is　my　delight　to　walk　and

meditate。　　Soothed　by　the　repose　around　me；　I　wander　insensibly　to

considerable　distances；　and　guide　myself　back　by　the　stars。　　Thus；

I　enjoy　the　contrast　of　a　few　still　partially　inhabited　and　busy

spots　where　all　the　lights　are　not　fled；　where　all　the　garlands　are

not　dead；　whence　all　but　I　have　not　departed。　　Then；　does　it　appear

to　me　that　in　this　age　three　things　are　clamorously　required　of　Man

in　the　miscellaneous　thoroughfares　of　the　metropolis。　　Firstly；

that　he　have　his　boots　cleaned。　　Secondly；　that　he　eat　a　penny　ice。

Thirdly；　that　he　get　himself　photographed。　　Then　do　I　speculate；

What　have　those　seam…worn　artists　been　who　stand　at　the　photograph

doors　in　Greek　caps；　sample　in　hand；　and　mysteriously　salute　the

public　…　the　female　public　with　a　pressing　tenderness　…　to　come　in

and　be　'took'？　　What　did　they　do　with　their　greasy　blandishments；

before　the　era　of　cheap　photography？　　Of　what　class　were　their

previous　victims；　and　how　victimised？　　And　how　did　they　get；　and

how　did　they　pay　for；　that　large　collection　of　likenesses；　all

purporting　to　have　been　taken　inside；　with　the　taking　of　none　of

which　had　that　establishment　any　more　to　do　than　with　the　taking　of

Delhi？



But；　these　are　small　oases；　and　I　am　soon　back　again　in

metropolitan　Arcadia。　　It　is　my　impression　that　much　of　its　serene

and　peaceful　character　is　attributable　to　the　absence　of　customary

Talk。　　How　do　I　know　but　there　may　be　subtle　influences　in　Talk；　to

vex　the　souls　of　men　who　don't　hear　it？　　How　do　I　know　but　that

Talk；　five；　ten；　twenty　miles　off；　may　get　into　the　air　and

disagree　with　me？　　If　I　rise　from　my　bed；　vaguely　troubled　and

wearied　and　sick　of　my　life；　in　the　session　of　Parliament；　who

shall　say　that　my　noble　friend；　my　right　reverend　friend；　my　right

honourable　friend；　my　honourable　friend；　my　honourable　and　learned

friend；　or　my　honourable　and　gallant　friend；　may　not　be　responsible

for　that　effect　upon　my　nervous　system？　　Too　much　Ozone　in　the　air；

I　am　informed　and　fully　believe　（though　I　have　no　idea　what　it　is）；

would　affect　me　in　a　marvellously　disagreeable　way；　why　may　not　too

much　Talk？　　I　don't　see　or　hear　the　Ozone；　I　don't　see　or　hear　the

Talk。　　And　there　is　so　much　Talk；　so　much　too　much；　such　loud　cry；

and　such　scant　supply　of　wool；　such　a　deal　of　fleecing；　and　so

little　fleece！　　Hence；　in　the　Arcadian　season；　I　find　it　a

delicious　triumph　to　walk　down　to　deserted　Westminster；　and　see　the

Courts　shut　up；　to　walk　a　little　further　and　see　the　Two　Houses

shut　up；　to　stand　in　the　Abbey　Yard；　like　the　New　Zealander　of　the

grand　English　History　（concerning　which　unfortunate　man；　a　whole

rookery　of　mares'　nests　is　generally　being　discovered）；　and　gloat

upon　the　ruins　of　Talk。　　Returning　to　my　primitive　solitude　and

lying　down　to　sleep；　my　grateful　heart　expands　with　the

consciousness　that　there　is　no　adjourned　Debate；　no　ministerial

explanation；　nobody　to　give　notice　of　intention　to　ask　the　noble

Lord　at　the　head　of　her　Majesty's　Government　five…and…twenty

bootless　questions　in　one；　no　term　time　with　legal　argument；　no

Nisi　Prius　with　eloquent　appeal　to　British　Jury；　that　the　air　will

to…morrow；　and　to…morrow；　and　to…morrow；　remain　untroubled　by　this

superabundant　generating　of　Talk。　　In　a　minor　degree　it　is　a

delicious　triumph　to　me　to　go　into　the　club；　and　see　the　carpets

up；　and　the　Bores　and　the　other　dust　dispersed　to　the　four　winds。

Again；　New　Zealander…like；　I　stand　on　the　cold　hearth；　and　say　in

the　solitude；　'Here　I　watched　Bore　A　1；　with　voice　always

mysteriously　low　and　head　always　mysteriously　drooped；　whispering

political　secrets　into　the　ears　of　Adam's　confiding　children。

Accursed　be　his　memory　for　ever　and　a　day！'



But；　I　have　all　this　time　been　coming　to　the　point；　that　the　happy

nature　of　my　retirement　is　most　sweetly　expressed　in　its　being　the

abode　of　Love。　　It　is；　as　it　were；　an　inexpensive　Agapemone：

nobody's　speculation：　　everybody's　profit。　　The　one　great　result　of

the　resumption　of　primitive　habits；　and　（convertible　terms）　the　not

having　much　to　do；　is；　the　abounding　of　Love。



The　Klem　species　are　incapable　of　the　softer　emotions；　probably；　in

that　low　nomadic　race；　the　softer　emotions　have　all　degenerated

into　flue。　　But；　with　this　exception；　all　the　sharers　of　my　retreat

make　love。



I　have　mentioned　Saville…row。　　We　all　know　the　Doctor's　servant。

We　all　know　what　a　respectable　man　he　is；　what　a　hard　dry　man；　what

a　firm　man；　what　a　confidential　man：　　how　he　lets　us　into　the

waiting…room；　like　a　man　who　knows　minutely　what　is　the　matter　with

us；　but　from　whom　the　rack　should　not　wring　the　secret。　　In　the

prosaic　〃season；〃　he　has　distinctly　the　appearance　of　a　man

conscious　of　money　in　the　savings　bank；　and　taking　his　stand　on　his

respectability　with　both　feet。　　At　that　time　it　is　as　impossible　to

associate　him　with　relaxation；　or　any　human　weakness；　as　it　is　to