the garden of allah-第88章

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jealousy　was　too　importunate；　and　he　resolved　to　make　any　effort　to
keep　her　for　himself　alone。　He　knew　she　had　love　for　him；　but　he　knew
that　love　would　not　necessarily；　or　even　probably；　keep　her　entirely
faithful　to　him。　She　thought　too　little　of　passing　intrigues。　To　her
they　seemed　trifles；　meaningless；　unimportant。　She　told　him　so；　when
he　spoke　his　jealousy。　She　said；　'I　love　you。　I　do　not　love　these
other　men。　They　are　in　my　life　for　a　moment　only。'

〃'And　that　moment　plunges　me　into　hell！'　he　said。

〃He　told　her　he　could　not　bear　it；　that　it　was　impossible；　that　she
must　belong　to　him　entirely　and　solely。　He　asked　her　to　marry　him。　She
was　surprised；　touched。　She　understood　what　a　sacrifice　such　a
marriage　would　be　to　a　man　in　his　position。　He　was　a　man　of　good
birth。　His　request；　his　vehement　insistence　on　it；　made　her　understand
his　love　as　she　had　not　understood　it　before。　Yet　she　hesitated。　For
so　long　had　she　been　accustomed　to　a　life　of　freedom；　of　changing
/amours/；　that　she　hesitated　to　put　her　neck　under　the　yoke　of
matrimony。　She　understood　thoroughly　his　character　and　his　aim　in
marrying　her。　She　knew　that　as　his　wife　she　must　bid　an　eternal
farewell　to　the　life　she　had　known。　And　it　was　a　life　that　had　become
a　habit　to　her；　a　life　that　she　was　fond　of。　For　she　was　enormously
vain；　and　she　was　ashe　was　a　very　physical　woman；　subject　to
physical　caprices。　There　are　things　that　I　pass　over；　Domini；　which
would　explain　still　more　her　hesitation。　He　knew　what　caused　it；　and
again　he　was　tortured。　But　he　persisted。　And　at　last　he　overcame。　She
consented　to　marry　him。　They　were　engaged。　Domini；　I　need　not　tell　you
much　more；　only　this　factwhich　had　driven　him　from　France；　destroyed
his　happiness；　brought　him　to　the　monastery。　Shortly　before　the
marriage　was　to　take　place　he　discovered　that；　while　they　were
engaged；　she　had　yielded　to　the　desires　of　an　old　admirer　who　had　come
to　bid　her　farewell　and　to　wish　her　joy　in　her　new　life。　He　was
tempted；　he　said；　to　kill　her。　But　he　governed　himself　and　left　her。
He　travelled。　He　came　to　Tunis。　He　came　to　La　Trappe。　He　saw　the　peace
there。　He　thought；　'Can　I　seize　it？　Can　it　do　something　for　me？'　He
saw　me。　He　thought；　'I　shall　not　be　quite　alone。　This　monkhe　has
lived　always　in　peace；　he　has　never　known　the　torture　of　women。　Might
not　intercourse　with　him　help　me？'

〃Such　was　his　history；　such　was　the　history　poured；　with　infinite
detail　that　I　have　not　told　you；　day　by　day；　into　my　ears。　It　was　the
history；　you　see；　of　a　passion　that　was　mainly　physical。　I　will　not
say　entirely。　I　do　not　know　whether　any　great　passion　can　be　entirely
physical。　But　it　was　the　history　of　the　passion　of　one　body　for
another　body；　and　he　did　not　attempt　to　present　it　to　me　as　anything
else。　This　man　made　me　understand　the　meaning　of　the　body。　I　had　never
understood　it　before。　I　had　never　suspected　the　immensity　of　the
meaning　there　is　in　physical　things。　I　had　never　comprehended　the
flesh。　Now　I　comprehended　it。　Loneliness　rushed　upon　me；　devoured　me
loneliness　of　the　body。　'God　is　a　spirit　and　those　that　worship　him
must　worship　him　in　spirit。'　Now　I　felt　that　to　worship　in　spirit　was
not　enough。　I　even　felt　that　it　was　scarcely　anything。　Again　I　thought
of　my　life　as　the　life　of　a　skeleton　in　a　world　of　skeletons。　Again
the　chapel　was　as　a　valley　of　dry　bones。　It　was　a　ghastly　sensation。　I
was　plunged　in　the　void。　III　can't　tell　you　my　exact　sensation；
but　it　was　as　if　I　was　the　loneliest　creature　in　the　whole　of　the
universe；　and　as　if　I　need　not　have　been　lonely；　as　if　I；　in　my
ignorance　and　fatuity；　had　selected　loneliness　thinking　it　was　the
happiest　fate。

〃And　yet　you　will　say　I　was　face　to　face　with　this　man's　almost
frantic　misery。　I　was；　and　it　made　no　difference。　I　envied　him；　even
in　his　present　state。　He　wanted　to　gain　consolation　from　me　if　that
were　possible。　Oh；　the　irony　of　my　consoling　him！　In　secret　I　laughed
at　it　bitterly。　When　I　strove　to　console　him　I　knew　that　I　was　an
incarnate　lie。　He　had　told　me　the　meaning　of　the　body　and；　by　so
doing；　had　snatched　from　me　the　meaning　of　the　spirit。　And　then　he
said　to　me；　'Make　me　feel　the　meaning　of　the　spirit。　If　I　can　grasp
that　I　may　find　comfort。'　He　called　upon　me　to　give　him　what　I　no
longer　hadthe　peace　of　God　that　passeth　understanding。　Domini；　can
you　feel　at　all　what　that　was　to　me？　Can　you　realise？　Can　youis　it
any　wonder　that　I　could　do　nothing　for　him；　for　him　who　had　done　such
a　frightful　thing　for　me？　Is　it　any　wonder？　Soon　he　realised　that　he
would　not　find　peace　with　me　in　the　garden。　Yet　he　stayed　on。　Why？　He
did　not　know　where　to　go；　what　to　do。　Life　offered　him　nothing　but
horror。　His　love　of　experiences　was　dead。　His　love　of　life　had
completely　vanished。　He　saw　the　worldly　life　as　a　nightmare；　yet　he
had　nothing　to　put　in　the　place　of　it。　And　in　the　monastery　he　was
ceaselessly　tormented　by　jealousy。　Ceaselessly　his　mind　was　at　work
about　this　woman；　picturing　her　in　her　life　of　change；　of　intrigue；　of
new　lovers；　of　new　hopes　and　aims　in　which　he　had　no　part；　in　which
his　image　was　being　blotted　out；　doubtless　from　her　memory　even。　He
suffered；　he　suffered　as　few　suffer。　But　I　think　I　suffered　more。　The
melancholy　was　driven　on　into　a　gnawing　hunger；　the　gnawing　hunger　of
the　flesh　wishing　to　have　lived；　wishing　to　live；　wishing　toto　know。

〃Domini；　to　you　I　can't　say　more　of　thatto　you　whom　Iwhom　I　love
with　spirit　and　flesh。　I　will　come　to　the　end；　to　the　incident　which
made　the　body　rise　up；　strike　down　the　soul；　trample　out　over　it　into
the　world　like　a　wolf　that　was　starving。

〃One　day　the　Reverend　Pere　gave　me　a　special　permission　to　walk　with
our　visitor　beyond　the　monastery　walls　towards　the　sea。　Such
permission　was　an　event　in　my　life。　It　excited　me　more　than　you　can
imagine。　I　found　that　the　stranger　had　begged　him　to　let　me　come。

〃'Our　guest　is　very　fond　of　you；'　the　Reverend　Pere　said　to　me。　'I
think　if　any　human　being　can　bring　him　to　a　calmer；　happier　state　of
mind　and　spirit；　you　can。　You　have　obtained　a　good　influence　over
him。'

〃Domini；　when　the　Reverend　Pere　spoke　to　me　thus　my　mouth　was　suddenly
contracted　in　a　smile。　Devil's　smile；　I　think。　I　put　up　my　hand　to　my
face。　I　saw　the　Reverend　Pere　looking　at　me　with　a　dawning　of
astonishment　in　his　kind；　grave　eyes；　and　I　controlled　myself　at　once。
But　I　said　nothing。　I　could　not　say　anything；　and　I　went　out　from　the
parlour　quickly；　hot　with　a　sensation　of　shame。

〃'You　are　coming？'　the　stranger　said。

〃'Yes；'　I　answered。

〃It　was　a　fiery　day　of　late　June。　Africa　was　bathed　in　a　glare　of
light　that　hurt　the　eyes。　I　went　into　my　cell　and　put　on　a　pair　of
blue　glasses　and　my　wide　straw　hat；　the　hat　in　which　I　formerly　used
to　work　in　the　fields。　When　I　came　out　my　guest　was　standing　on　the
garden　path。　He　was　swinging　a　stick　in　one　hand。　The　other　hand；
which　hung　down　by　his　side；　was　twitching　nervously。　In　the　glitter
of　the　sun　his　face　looked　ghastly。　In　his　eyes　there　seemed　to　be
terrors　watching　without　hope。

〃'You　are　ready？'　he　said。　'Let　us　go。'

〃We　set　off；　walking　quickly。

〃'Movementpacesometimes　that　does　a　little　good；'　he　said。　'If　one
can　exhaust　the　body　the　mind　sometimes　lies　almost　still　for　a
moment。　If　it　would　only　lie　still　for　ever。'

〃I　said　nothing。　I　could　say　nothing。　For　my　fever　was　surely　as　his
fever。

〃'Where　are　we　going？'　he　asked　when　we　reached　the　little　house　of
the　keeper　of　the　gate　by　the　cemetery。

〃'We　cannot　walk　in　the　sun；'　I　answered。　'Let　us　go　into　the
eucalyptus　woods。'

〃The　first　Trappists　had　planted　forests　of　eucalyptus　to　keep　off　the
fever　that　sometimes　comes　in　the　African　summer。　We　made　our　way
along　a　tract　of　open　land　and　came　into　a　deep　wood。　Here　we　began　to
walk　more　slowly。　The　wood　was　empty　of　men。　The　hot　silence　was
profound。　He　took　off　his　white　helmet　and　walked　on；　carrying　it　in
his　hand。　Not　till　we　were　far　in　the　forest　did　he　speak。　Then　he
said；　'Father；　I　cannot　struggle　on　much　longer。'

〃He　spoke　abruptly；　in　a　hard　voice。

〃'You　must　try　to　gain　courage；'　I　said。

〃'From　where？'　he　exclaimed。　'No；　no；　don't　say　from　God。　If　there　is
a　God　He　hates　me。'

〃When　he　said　that　I　felt　as　if　my　soul　shuddered；　hearing　a　frightful
truth　spoken　about　itself。　My　lips　were　dry。　My　heart　seemed　to
shrivel　up；　but　I　made　an　effort　and　answered：

〃'God　hates　no　being　whom　He　has　created。'

〃'How　can　you　know？　Almost　every　man；　perhaps　every　living　man　hates
someone。　Why　not？'

〃'To　compare　God　with　a　man　is　blasphemous；'　I　answered。

〃'Aren't　we　made　in　His　image？　Father；　it's　as　I　saidI　can't
struggle　on　much　longer。　I　shall　have　to　end　it。　I　wish　nowI　often
wish　that　I　had　yielded　to　my　first　impulse　and　killed　her。　What　is
she　doing　now？　What　is　she　doing　nowat　this　moment？'

〃He　stood　still　and　beat　with　his　stick　on　the　ground。

〃'You　don't　know　the　infinite　torture　there　is　in　knowing　that；　far
away；　she　is　still　living　that　cursed　life；　that　she　is　free　to
continue　the　acts　of　which　her　existence　has　been　full。　Every　moment　I
am　imaginingI　am　seeing'

〃He　forced　his　stick　deep　into　the　ground。

〃'If　I　had　killed　her；'　he　said　in　a　low　voice；　'at　least　I　should
know　that　she　was　sleepingalonetherethereunder　the　earth。　I
should　know　that　her　body　was　dissolved　into　dust；　that　her　lips　could
kiss　no　man；　that　her　arms　could　never　hold　another　as　they　have　held
me！'

〃'Hush！'　I　said　sternly。　'You　deliberately　torture　yourself　and　me。'
He　glanced　up　sharply。

〃'You！　What　do　you　mean？'

〃'I　must　not　listen　to　such　things；'　I　said。　'They　are　bad　for　you　and
for　me。'

〃'How　can　they　be　bad　for　youa　monk？'

〃'Such　talk　is　evilevil　for　everyone。'

〃'I'll　be　silent　then。　I'll　go　into　the　silence。　I'll　go　soon。'

〃I　understood　that　he　thought　of　putting　an　end　to　himself。

〃'There　are　few　men；'　I　said；　speaking　with　deliberation；　with　effort；
'who　do　not　feel　at　some　period　of　life　that　all　is　over　for　them；
that　there　is　nothing　to　hope　for；　that　happiness　is　a　dream　which
will　visit　them　no　more。'

〃'Have　you　ever　felt　like　that？　You　speak　of　it　calmly；　but　have　you
ever　experienced　it？'

〃I　hesitated。　Then　I　said：

〃'Yes。'

〃'You；　who　have　been　a　monk　for　so　many　years！'

〃'Yes。'

〃'Since　you　have　been　here？'

〃'Yes；　since　then。'

〃'And　you　would　tell　me　that　the　feeling　passed；　that　hope　came　again；
and　the　dream　as　you　call　it？'

〃'I　would　say　that　what　has　lived　in　a　heart　can　die；　as　we　who　live
in　this　world　shall　die。'

〃'Ah；　thatthe　sooner　the　better！　But　you　are　wrong。　Sometimes　a
thing　lives　in　the　heart　that　cannot　die　so　long　as　the　heart　beats。
Such　is　my　passion；　my　torture。　Don't　you；　a　monkdon't　dare　to　say
to　me　that　this　love　of　mine　could　die。'

〃'Don't　you　wish　it　to　die？'　I　asked。　'You　say　it　tortures　you。'

〃'Yes。　But　nonoI　don't　wish　it　to　die。　I　could　never　wish　that。'

〃I　looked　at　him；　I　believe；　with　a　deep　astonishment。

〃'Ah；　you　don't　understand！　'　he　said。　'You　don't　understand。　At　all
costs　one　must　keep　itone's　love。　With　it　I　amas　you　see。　But
without　itman；　without　it；　I　should　be　nothingno　more　than　that。'

〃