the captives-第31章

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　she　knew　that　she　felt　that　she　would　rather　do　anything　than　spend　the　night　in　that　house。　And　yet　what　could　she　do？　How　could　she　escape？　She　knew　that　she　could　not。　Oh！　if　only　Martin　would　come！　Where　was　he？　Why　could　he　not　carry　her　off　that　very　night？　Why　did　he　not　come？

She　gazed　desperately　about　her。　Could　she　not　leave　the　house　there　and　then？　But　where　should　she　go？　What　could　she　do　without　a　friend　in　London？　She　stood　there；　clasping　and　unclasping　her　hands；　looking　up　at　the　black　stairs；　listening　for　some　sound　from　above；　fancying　a　ghost　in　every　darkening　corner　of　the　place。

Then　her　common　sense　reasserted　itself。　It　was　something；　at　any　rate；　that　she　was　out　of　the　Chapel；　away　from　Mr。　Crashaw's　piercing　eyes；　Mr。　Thurston's　rasping　voice；　Mr。　Warlock's　reproachful　melancholy。　She　felt　this　evening　as　though　by　struggling　with　all　her　strength　she　could　shut　the　gates　upon　new　experiences　that　were　fighting　to　enter　into　her　soul；　but　must；　at　all　costs　to　her　own　happiness；　be　defeated。　No　such　thing　as　ghosts；　no　such　thing　as　a　God；　be　He　kind；　tender；　cruel　or　loving…　…nothing　but　what　one　can　see；　can　touch；　can　confront　with　one's　physical　strength。　She　had　been　to　a　service　at　a　Methodist　chapel；　her　aunt　had　been　ill；　to…morrow　there　would　be　daylight　and　people　hurrying　down　the　street　about　their　business；　work　and　shops　and　food　and　sun　。　。　。　No　such　thing　as　ghosts！　Nothing　but　what　you　can　see！

〃And　I'll　get　some　work　without　wasting　a　minute；〃　she　thought；　nodding　her　head。　〃In　a　shop　if　necessaryor　I　could　be　a　governessand　then　when　he　is　free；　Martin　will　be　with　me。〃

She　climbed　on　a　chair　and　turned　down　the　hall…gas　as　she　had　seen　Martha　do。　She　went　to　the　door　and　slipped　the　chain　into　its　socket　and　turned　the　lock。　She　listened　for　a　moment　before　she　started　upstairs；　she　saw　Mr。　Crashaw's　eyes　in　the　darkshe　heard　his　voice。

〃Punishment！　Punishment！。　。　。〃

She　suddenly　started　to　run　up　the　black　stairs；　stumbled；　ran　faster　through　the　passage　under　the　picture　of　the　armed　men；　arrived　at　last　in　her　room；　breathless。

During　her　undressing　she　stopped　sometimes　to　listen。　Her　aunt's　bedroom　was　on　the　floor　below　hers；　and　she　certainly　could　hear　nothing　through　the　closed　doors；　and　yet　she　fancied；　as　she　stood　there；　that　the　sound　of　sobbing　came　up　to　her　and；　twice；　a　sharp　cry。

〃I　suppose　I'm　terribly　selfish；〃　she　thought；　〃I　ought　to　want　to　go　and　help　Aunt　Anne；　and　I　don't。〃　No；　she　didn't。　She　wanted　to　run　away　from　the　house；　miles　and　miles　and　miles。　She　climbed　into　bed　and　thought　of　her　escape。　If　Miss　Trenchard　did　not　answer　her　letter；　then　she　could　go　off　to　Uncle　Mathew；　greatly　though　she　disliked　the　thought　of　that；　then　she　could　live　on　her　three　hundred　pounds　and　look　about　until　she　found　work　or　Martin　came　for　her。

But　so　ignorant　was　she　of　the　world　that　she　did　not　in　the　least　know　how　she　could　get　her　three　hundred　pounds。　But　Uncle　Mathew　would　know。　She　thought　of　him　standing　in　the　doorway　at　the　hotel；　holding　up　a　glass；　then　she　thought　of　Martin；　and　so　fell　asleep。

She　woke　suddenly　to　find　some　one　standing　in　her　open　doorway　and　holding　up　a　candle。　That　some　one　was　old　Martha；　looking　strange　enough　in　a　nightdress；　her　scanty　grey　hairs　untidily　about　her　neck　and　a　dirty　red　shawl　over　her　shoulders。　Maggie　blinked　at　the　light　and　sat　up　in　bed。

〃What　is　it？〃　she　asked。

〃It's　your　aunt；　MissMiss　Anne。　She's　very　bad。　She　wants　you　to　go　to　her。〃

Maggie　got　out　of　bed；　put　on　her　dressing…gown　and　slippers　and　followed　the　servant。

As　she　hurried　along　the　dark　passage　she　was　still　only　half…awake；　her　soul　had　not　returned　into　her　body；　but　her　body　was　awake　and　vibrating　with　the　knowledge　that　the　soul　was　soon　coming　to　it；　and　coming　to　it　with　great　news；　with　the　consciousness　of　a　marvellous　experience。　For　at　the　instant　when　Martha　awoke　her　she　had　been　dreaming　of　Martin；　dreaming　of　him　physically；　so　that　it　was　his　body　against　hers；　his　hand　hot　and　dry　in　hers　cool　and　soft；　his　cheek　rough　and　strong　against　hers　smooth　and　pale。　There　had　been　no　sentimentality　or　weakness　in　her　dream。　They　had　been　confident　and　sure　and　defiant　together；　and　it　had　been　real　life　for　her；　so　real　that　this　dream　life　in　which　now　she　moved　down　the　shadowy　passage　was　about　her　as　green　water　is　about　one　when　one　swims　under　waves。

It　was　only　slowly；　as　the　cold　air　of　the　house　at　night　cleared　her　eyes　and　her　throat　and　her　breast；　that　she　came　to　the　world　consciousness　again　and　surrendered　her　lover　back　to　the　shades　and　felt　a　sudden　frightened　fear　lest；　after　all；　she　should　never　really　know　that　ecstasy　of　which　she　had　just　been　dreaming。

Nevertheless　it　was　still　with　a　great　consciousness　of　Martin　that　she　entered　her　aunt's　bedroom。　Before　she　entered　she　turned　round　for　a　moment　to　Martha。

〃What　must　I　do？〃　she　asked。　〃What　will　she　want　me　to　do？〃

〃It's　only；〃　said　Martha；　〃if　the　pains　come　on　very　bad；　to　give　her　some　drops。　They're　in　a　little　green　bottle　by　her　bed。　Five　drops　。　。　。　yes；　miss；　five　drops　in　a　little　green　bottle。　Only　if　the　pains　is　very　bad。　She's　bravewonderful。　I'd　'ave　sat　up　till　morning　willing；　and　so　of　course　would　Miss　Elizabeth。　But　she　seemed　to　want　you；　miss。〃

They　were　like　two　conspirators　whispering　there　in　the　dark。　The　room　within　was　so　still。　Maggie　very　softly　pushed　back　the　door　and　entered。　She　walked　a　few　steps　inside　the　room　and　hesitated。　There　was　no　sound　in　the　room　at　all；　utter　stillness　so　that　Maggie　could　hear　her　own　breathing　as　though　it　were　some　one　else　at　her　side　warning　her。　Then　slowly　things　emerged；　the　long　white　bed　first；　afterwards　a　shaded　lamp　beside　it；　a　little　table　with　bottles；　a　chairbeyond　the　circle　of　lighted　shadow　there　were　shapes；　near　the　window　a　high　glass；　a　dark　shade　that　was　the　dressing…table；　and　faint　grey　squares　where　the　windows　hung。

In　the　room　was　a　strange　scent　half　wine；　half　medicine；　and　beyond　that　the　plain　tang　of　apples　partially　eaten；　a　little　smell　of　oil　too　from　the　lampvery　faintly　the　figure　of　the　Christ　above　the　bed　was　visible。　Maggie　moved　forward　to　the　bed；　then　stopped　again。　She　did　not　know　what　to　do；　she　could　see　a　dark　shadow　on　the　pillow　that　must　she　knew　be　her　aunt's　hair；　and　yet　she　did　not　connect　that　with　her　aunt。　The　room　was　cold　and；　she　felt；　of　infinite　space。　The　smell　of　the　wine　and　the　medicine　made　her　shy　and　awkward　as　though　she　were　somewhere　where　she　should　not　be。

There　came　a　little　sigh；　and　then　a　very　quiet；　tired　voice。

〃Maggie；　is　that　you？〃

〃Yes；　Aunt　Anne。〃

She　came　very　close　to　the　bed；　and　suddenly；　as　though　a　curtain　had　been　drawn　back；　she　could　see　her　aunt's　large　eyes　and　white　sharp　face。

〃It　was　very　good　of　you；　dear；　to　come。　I　felt　ashamed　to　wake　you　up　at　such　an　hour；　but　I　wanted　you。　I　felt　that　only　you　must　be　with　me　to…night。　It　was　a　call　from　God。　I　felt　that　it　must　be　obeyed。　Sit　down；　dear。　There；　on　that　chair。　You're　not　cold；　are　you？〃

Maggie　sat　down；　gathering　her　dressing…gown　close　about　her。　She　was　not　even　now　drawn　right　out　of　her　dream；　and　the　room　seemed　fantastic；　to　rise　and　fall　a　little；　and　to　be　filled　with　sound；　just　out　of　hearing。　For　a　time　she　was　so　sleepy　that　she　nodded　on　her　chair；　and　the　green　lamp　swelled　and　quivered　and　the　very　bed　seemed　to　sway　in　the　dark；　but　soon　the　cold　air　cleared　her　head；　and　she　was　wide　awake；　staring　before　her　at　the　grey　window…panes。　Her　aunt　did　not　for　a　long　time　speak　again。　Maggie　sat　there　her　mind　a　maze　of　the　Chapel；　old　Crashaw；　Miss　Avies；　and　Martin。　Slowly　the　cold　crept　into　her　feet　and　her　hands；　but　her　head　now　was　burning　hot。　Then　suddenly　her　aunt　began　to　talk　in　a　dreamy　rather　lazy　voice；　not　her　natural　daily　tone　which　was　always　very　sharp　and　clear。　She　talked　on　and　on；　sometimes　her　sentences　were　confused　and　unfinished；　sometimes　they　seemed　to　Maggie　to　have　no　meaning；　once　or　twice　the　voice　dropped　so　low　that　Maggie　did　not　catch　the　words；　but　always　there　was　especial　urgency　behind　the　carelessness　as　though　every　word　were　being　spoken　for　a　listener's　benefita　listener　who　sat　perhaps　with　pencil　and　notebook　somewhere　in　the　dark　behind　them。

〃So　sorry　。　。　。　so　sorry；　Maggie　dear　。　。　。　so　sorry；〃　the　words　ran　up　and　down。　〃I　hadn't　meant　to　take　you　away　before　the　service　was　over。　Elizabeth　could　have　。　。　。　sometimes　my　pain　is　very　bad　and　I　have　to　lie　down；　you　know。　But　it's　nothingnothing　reallyonly　I'm　glad；　rather；　that　you　should　share　all　our　little　troubles；　because　then　you'll　know　us　better；　won't　you？　Dear　Maggie；　there's　been　something　between　us　all　this　time；　hasn't　there？　Ever　since　our　first　meetingand　it's　partly　been　my　fault。　I　wasn't　good　at　first；　I　wanted　to　be　kind；　but　I　was　stiff　and　shy。　You　wouldn't　think　that　I'm　shy？　I　am；　terribly。　I　always　have　been　since　I　was　very　little；　and　just　to　enter　a　room　when　other　people　are　there　makes　me　so　embarrassed　。　。　。　I　remember　once　when　mother　was　alive　her　scolding　me　because　I　wouldn't　come　in　to　a　tea…party。　But　I　couldn't；　I　stood　outside　the　door　in　an　agony；　doing　everything　to　make　myself　go　inbut　I　couldn't　。　。　。　But　now　I've　come　to　love　you；　dear；　although　of　course　you　have　your　faults。　But　they　are　faults　of　your　age；　carelessness；　selfishness。　They　are　nothing　in　the　eyes　of　God；　who　understands　all　our　weaknesses。　And　you　must　learn　to　know　Him；　dear。　That　is　my　only　prayer　now。　If　I　am　taken；　if　I　go　before　the　great　dayif　it　be　His　willthen　I　pray　always；　now　that　I　may　leave　you　in　my　place；　waiting　for　Him　as　I　have　waited；　trusting　Him　as　I　have　trusted　。　。　。　you　saw　to…night　what　it　means　to　us；　what　it　must　mean　to　any　one　who　has　listened。　There　were　times；　years　ago；　when　I　had　not　turned　to　God；　when　I　did　not　care；　when　I　thought　of　earthly　love　。　。　。　God　drew　me　to　Himself　。　。　。　You　too　must　come；　Maggieyou　must　come。　You　mustn't　stay　outsideyou　are　asked；　you　are　invitedperhaps　you　will　be　compelled　。　。　。〃

The　voice　sank：　Maggie's　teeth　chattered　in　her　head　from　the　cold；　and　her　foot　had　gone　to　sleep。　She　felt　obstinate　and　rebellious　and　frightened；　she　could　not　think　clearly；　and　the　words　that　came　from　her；　suddenly；　seemed　to　her　not　to　be　her　own。

〃Aunt　Anne；　I　want　to　do　everything　that　you　and　Aunt　Elizabeth　think　I　should；　but　I　must　be　myself；　mustn't　I？　I'm　grown　up　now；　I've　got　my　three　hundred　pounds　and　I　don't　think　I　want　to　be　religious。　I'm　very　grateful　to　you　and　Aunt　Elizabeth；　but　I'm　not　a　help　to　you　much；　I'm　afraid。　I　know　I'm　very　careless；　I　do　want　to　be　better；　and　that's　all　the　more　reason；　perhaps；　why　I　should　go　out　and　earn　my　own　living。　I'd　learn　more　quickly　then。　But　I　do　love　you　and　Aunt　Elizabeth　。　。　。〃

She　broke　off；　she　did　not　love　them。　She　knew　that　she　did　not。　The　only　human　being　in　all　the　world　whom　she　loved　was　Martin。　Nevertheless　there　did　come　to　her　suddenly　then　a　new　tenderness　for　her　aunt；　the　actual　sight　of　her　pain　in　the　Chapel　had　deeply　touched　her　and　now　her　eagerness　for　escape　was　mingled　with　a　longing　to　be　affec