the complete plays-第88章
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fashion？
Both： The English fashion？ What is that？
Fitz。： It's very simple。 In England； when two gentlemen are in
love with the same lady； and until it is settled which
gentleman is to blow out the brains of the other； it is
provided； by the Rival Admirers' Clauses Consolidation
Act；
that the lady shall be entrusted to an officer of
Household
Cavalry as stakeholder； who is bound to hand her over to
the
survivor （on the Tontine principle） in a good condition
of
substantial and decorative repair。
Scaphio： Reasonable wear and tear and damages by fire excepted？
Fitz。： Exactly。
Phantis： Well； that seems very reasonable。 （To Scaphio） What do
you
sayShall we entrust her to this officer of Household
Cavalry？ It will give us time。
Scaphio： （trembling violently） II am not at present in a
condition
to think it out coollybut if he is an officer of
Household
Cavalry； and if the Princess consents…
Zara： Alas； dear sirs； I have no alternativeunder the Rival
Admirers' Clauses Consolidation Act！
Fitz。： Goodthen that's settled。
QUARTET
Fitzbattleaxe； Zara； Scaphio； and Phantis。
Fitz。： It's understood； I think； all round
That； by the English custom bound
I hold the lady safe and sound
In trust for either rival；
Until you clearly testify
By sword and pistol； by and by；
Which gentleman prefers to die；
And which prefers survival。
ENSEMBLE
Sca。 and Phan。 Zara and Fitz
Its clearly understood all round We stand； I think； on safish
ground
That； by your English custom bound Our senses weak it will
astound
He holds the lady safe and sound If either gentleman is found
In trust for either rival； Prepared to meet his rival。
Until we clearly testify Their machinations we defy；
By sword or pistol； by and by We won't be parted； you and
I
Which gentleman prefers to die； Of bloodshed each is rather
shy
Which prefers survival。 They both prefer survival
Phan。： If I should die and he should live
（aside to Fitz。） To you； without reserve； I give
Her heart so young and sensitive；
And all her predilections。
Sca。： If he should live and I should die；
（aside to Fitz。） I see no kind of reason why
You should not； if you wish it； try
To gain her young affections。
ENSEMBLE
Sca。 and Phant。 Fitz and Zara
If I should die and you should live As both of us are positive
To this young officer I give That both of them intend to
live；
Her heart so soft and sensitive； There's nothing in the case to
give
And all her predilections。 Us cause for grave
reflections。
If you should live and I should die As both will live and neither
die
I see no kind of reason why I see no kind of reason why
He should not； if he chooses； try I should not； if I wish it；
try
To win her young affections。 To gain your young
affections！
（Exit Scaphio and Phantis
together）
DUET Zara and Fitzbattleaxe
Ensemble： Oh admirable art！
Oh； neatly…planned intention！
Oh； happy intervention
Oh； well constructed plot！
When sages try to part
Two loving hearts in fusion；
Their wisdom's delusion；
And learning serves them not！
Fitz。： Until quit plain
Is their intent；
These sages twain
I represent。
Now please infer
That； nothing loth；
You're henceforth； as it were；
Engaged to marry both
Then take it that I represent the two
On that hypothesis； what would you do？
Zara。 （aside）： What would I do？ what would I do？
（To Fitz。） In such a case；
Upon your breast；
My blushing face
I think I'd rest（doing so）
Then perhaps I might
Demurely say
〃I find this breastplate bright
Is sorely in the way！〃
Fitz。： Our mortal race
Is never blest
There's no such case
As perfect rest；
Some petty blight
Asserts its sway
Some crumbled roseleaf light
Is always in the way！
（Exit Fitzbattleaxe。 Manet
Zara。）
（Enter King。）
King： My daughter！ At last we are alone together。
Zara： Yes； and I'm glad we are； for I want to speak to you very
seriously。 Do you know this paper？
King： （aside） Da！ （Aloud） Oh yesI'veI've seen it。
Where
in the world did you get this from？
Zara： It was given to me by Lady Sophymy sisters' governess。
King： （aside） Lady Sophy's an angel； but I do sometimes wish
she'd mind her own business！ （Aloud） It'sha！
ha！it's
rather humorous。
Zara： I see nothing humorous in it。 I only see that you； the
des…
potic King of this country； are made the subject of the
most
scandalous insinuations。 Why do you permit these things？
King： Well； they appeal to my sense of humor。 It's the only
really comic paper in Utopia； and I wouldn't be without
it
for the world。
Zara： If it had any literary merit I could understand it。
King： Oh； it has literary merit。 Oh； distinctly； it has
literary
merit。
Zara： My dear father； it's mere ungrammatical twaddle。
King： Oh； it's not ungrammatical。 I can't allow that。
Unpleas…
antly personal； perhaps； but written with an
epigrammatical
point that is very rare nowadaysvery rare indeed。
Zara： （looking at cartoon） Why do they represent you with such
a
big nose？
King： （looking at cartoon） Eh？ Yes； it is a big one！ Why；
the
fact is that； in the cartoons of a comic paper； the size
of
your nose always varies inversely as the square of your
popularity。 It's the rule。
Zara： Then you must be at a tremendous discount just now！ I
see a
notice of a new piece called 〃King Tuppence；〃 in which an
English tenor has the audacity to personate you on a
public
stage。 I can only say that I am surprised that any
English
tenor should lend himself to such degrading
personalities。
King： Oh； he's not really English。 As it happens he's a
Utopian；
but he calls himself English。
Zara： Calls himself English？
King： Yes。 Bless you； they wouldn't listen to any tenor who
didn't call himself English。
Zara： And you permit this insolent buffoon to caricature you in
a
pointless burlesque！ My dear fatherif you were a free
agent； you would never permit these outrages。
King： （almost in tears） ZaraII admit I am not altogether
a
free agent。 II am controlled。 I try to make the best
of
it； but sometimes I find it very difficultvery
difficult
indeed。 Nominally a Despot； I am； between ourselves； the
helpless tool of two unscrupulous Wise Men； who insist on
my
falling in with all their wishes and threaten to denounce
me
for immediate explosion if I remonstrate！ （Breaks down
completely）
Zara： My poor father！ Now listen to me。 With a view to
remodel…
ling the political and social institutions of Utopia； I
have
brought with me six Representatives of the principal
causes
that have tended to make England the powerful； happy； and
blameless country which the consensus of European
civiliza…
tion has declared it to be。 Place yourself unreservedly
in
the hands of these gentlemen； and they will reorganize
your
country on a footing that will enable you to defy your
persecutors。 They are all now washing their hands after
their journey。 Shall I introduce them？
King： My dear Zara； how can I thank you？ I will consent to
any…
thing that will release me from the abominable tyranny of
these two men。 （Calling） What ho！ Without there！
（Enter
Calynx） Summon my Court without an instant's delay！
（Exit
Calynx）
FINALE
Enter every one； except the Flowers of Progress。
CHORUS
Although your Royal summons to appear
From courtesy was singularly free；
Obedient to that summons we are here
What would your Majesty？
RECITATIVE King
My worthy people； my beloved daughter
Most thoughtfully has brought with her from England
The types of all the causes that have made
That great and glorious country what it is。
Chorus： Oh； joy unbounded！
Sca。； Tar。； Phan （aside）。 Why； what does this mean？
RECITATIVE Zara
Attend to me； Utopian populace；
Ye South Pacific island viviparians；
All； in the abstract； types of courtly grace；
Yet； when compared with Britain's glorious race；
But little better than half clothed Barbarians！
CHORUS
Yes！ Contrasted when
With Englishmen；
Are little better than half…clothed barbarians！
Enter all the Flowers of Progress； led by Fitzbattleaxe。
SOLOS Zara and the Flowers of Progress。
（Presenting Captain Fitzbattleaxe）
When Britain sounds the trump of war
（And Europe trembles）；
The army of the conqueror
In serried ranks a
