the complete plays-第14章
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occur in the Marketplace！ Surely you've a room in your
Palacewith blindsthat would do？
RUD。 But； my own； I can't help myself。 I'm bound by my
own
decree。
BAR。 Your own decree？
RUD。 Yes。 You see； all the houses that give on the
Market…place belong to me； but the drains （which date back to the
reign of Charlemagne） want attending to； and the houses wouldn't
letso； with a view to increasing the value of the property； I
decreed that all love…episodes between affectionate couples
should take place； in public； on this spot； every Monday；
Wednesday； and Friday； when the band doesn't play。
BAR。 Bless me； what a happy idea！ So moral too！ And have
you found it answer？
RUD。 Answer？ The rents have gone up fifty per cent； and
the sale of opera…glasses （which is a Grand Ducal monopoly） has
received an extraordinary stimulus！ So； under the circumstances；
would you allow me to put my arm round your waist？ As a source
of income。 Just once！
BAR。 But it's so very embarrassing。 Think of the
opera…glasses！
RUD。 My good girl； that's just what I am thinking of。
Hang
it all； we must give them something for their money！ What's
that？
BAR。 （unfolding paper； which contains a large letter；
which
she hands to him）。 It's a letter which your detective asked me
to hand to you。 I wrapped it up in yesterday's paper to keep it
clean。
RUD。 Oh； it's only his report！ That'll keep。 But； I say；
you've never been and bought a newspaper？
BAR。 My dear Rudolph； do you think I'm mad？ It came
wrapped round my breakfast。
RUD。 （relieved）。 I thought you were not the sort of girl
to
go and buy a newspaper！ Well； as we've got it； we may as well
read it。 What does it say？
BAR。 Whydear mehere's your biography！ 〃Our Detested
Despot！〃
RUD。 YesI fancy that refers to me。
BAR。 And it saysOh； it can't be！
RUD。 What can't be？
BAR。 Why； it says that although you're going to marry me
to…morrow； you were betrothed in infancy to the Princess of Monte
Carlo！
RUD。 Oh yesthat's quite right。 Didn't I mention it？
BAR。 Mention it！ You never said a word about it！
RUD。 Well； it doesn't matter； because； you see； it's
practically off。
BAR。 Practically off？
RUD。 Yes。 By the terms of the contract the betrothal is
void unless the Princess marries before she is of age。 Now； her
father； the Prince； is stony…broke； and hasn't left his house for
years for fear of arrest。 Over and over again he has implored me
to come to him to be married…but in vain。 Over and over again he
has implored me to advance him the money to enable the Princess
to come to mebut in vain。 I am very young； but not as young as
that； and as the Princess comes of age at two tomorrow； why at
two to…morrow I'm a free man； so I appointed that hour for our
wedding； as I shall like to have as much marriage as I can get
for my money。
BAR。 I see。 Of course； if the married state is a happy
state； it's a pity to waste any of it。
RUD。 Why； every hour we delayed I should lose a lot of you
and you'd lose a lot of me！
BAR。 My thoughtful darling！ Oh； Rudolph； we ought to be
very happy！
RUD。 If I'm not； it'll be my first bad investment。 Still；
there is such a thing as a slump even in Matrimonials。
BAR。 I often picture us in the long； cold； dark December
evenings； sitting close to each other and singing impassioned
duets to keep us warm； and thinking of all the lovely things we
could afford to buy if we chose； and； at the same time； planning
out our lives in a spirit of the most rigid and exacting economy！
RUD。 It's a most beautiful and touching picture of
connubial bliss in its highest and most rarefied development！
DUETBARONESS and RUDOLPH。
BAR。 As o'er our penny roll we sing；
It is not reprehensive
To think what joys our wealth would bring
Were we disposed to do the thing
Upon a scale extensive。
There's rich mock…turtlethick and clear
RUD。 （confidentially）。 Perhaps we'll have it once a year！
BAR。 （delighted）。 You are an open…handed dear！
RUD。 Though； mind you； it's expensive。
BAR。 No doubt it is expensive。
BOTH。 How fleeting are the glutton's joys！
With fish and fowl he lightly toys；
RUD。 And pays for such expensive tricks
Sometimes as much as two…and…six！
BAR。 As two…and…six？
RUD。 As two…and…six
BOTH。 Sometimes as much as two…and…six！
BAR。 It gives him no advantage； mind
For you and he have only dined；
And you remain when once it's down
A better man by half…a…crown。
RUD。 By half…a…crown？
BAR。 By half…a…crown。
BOTH。 Yes； two…and…six is half…a…crown。
Then let us be modestly merry；
And rejoice with a derry down derry。
For to laugh and to sing
No extravagance bring
It's a joy economical； very！
BAR。 Although as you're of course aware
（I never tried to hide it）
I moisten my insipid fare
With waterwhich I can't abear
RUD。 Nor II can't abide it。
BAR。 This pleasing fact our souls will cheer；
With fifty thousand pounds a year
We could indulge in table beer！
RUD。 Get out！
BAR。 We couldI've tried it！
RUD。 Yes； yes； of course you've tried it！
BOTH。 Oh； he who has an income clear
Of fifty thousand pounds a year
BAR。 Can purchase all his fancy loves
Conspicuous hats
RUD。 Two shilling gloves
BAR。 （doubtfully）。 Two…shilling gloves？
RUD。 （positively）。 Two…shilling gloves
BOTH。 Yes； think of that； two…shilling gloves！
BAR。 Cheap shoes and ties of gaudy hue；
And Waterbury watches； too
And think that he could buy the lot
Were he a donkey
RUD。 Which he's not！
BAR。 Oh no； he's not！
RUD。 Oh no； he's not！
BOTH （dancing）。
That kind of donkey he is not！
Then let us be modestly merry；
And rejoice with a derry down derry。
For to laugh and to sing
Is a rational thing…
It's a joy economical； very！
＇Exit
BARONESS。
RUD。 Oh； now for my detective's report。 （Opens letter。）
What's this！ Another conspiracy！ A conspiracy to depose me！
And my private detective was so convulsed with laughter at the
notion of a conspirator selecting him for a confidant that he was
physically unable to arrest the malefactor！ Why； it'll come
off！ This comes of engaging a detective with a keen sense of the
ridiculous！ For the future I'll employ none but Scotchmen。 And
the plot is to explode to…morrow！ My wedding day！ Oh；
Caroline； Caroline！ （Weeps。） This is perfectly frightful！
What's to be done？ I don't know！ I ought to keep cool and
think； but you can't think when your veins are full of hot
soda…water； and your brain's fizzing like a firework； and all
your faculties are jumbled in a perfect whirlpool of
tumblication！ And I'm going to be ill！ I know I am！ I've been
living too low； and I'm going to be very ill indeed！
SONGRUDOLPH。
When you find you're a broken…down critter；
Who is all of a trimmle and twitter；
With your palate unpleasantly bitter；
As if you'd just eaten a pill
When your legs are as thin as dividers；
And you're plagued with unruly insiders；
And your spine is all creepy with spiders；
And you're highly gamboge in the gill
When you've got a beehive in your head；
And a sewing machine in each ear；
And you feel that you've eaten your bed；
And you've got a bad headache down here
When such facts are about；
And these symptoms you find
In your body or crown
Well； you'd better look out；
You may make up your mind
You had better lie down！
When your lips are all smearylike tallow；
And your tongue is decidedly yallow；
With a pint of warm oil in your swallow；
And a pound of tin…tacks in your chest
When you're down in the mouth with the vapours；
And all over your Morris wall…papers
Black…beetles are cutting their capers；
And crawly things never at rest
When you doubt if your head is your own；
And you jump when an open door slams
Then you've got to a state which is known
To the medical world as 〃jim…jams〃
If such symptoms you find
In your body or head；
They're not easy to quell
You may make up your mind
You are better in bed；
For you're not at all well！
（Sinks exhausted and weeping at foot of well。）
Enter LUDWIG。
LUD。 Now for my confession and full pardon。 They told me
the Grand Duke was dancing duets in the Market…place； but I don't
see him。 （Sees RUDOLPH。） Hallo！ Who's this？ （Aside。） Why； it
is the Grand Duke！
RUD。 （sobbing）。 Who are you； sir； who presume to address
me in person？ If you've anything to communicate； you must fling
yourself at the feet of my Acting Temporary Sub…Deputy Assistant
Vice…Chamberlain； who will fling himself at the feet of his
immediate superior； and so on； with successive foot…flingings
through the various gradesyour communication will； in course of
time； come to my august knowledge。
LUD。 But when I inform your Highness that in me you see
the
most unhappy； the most unfortunate； the most completely miserable
man in your whole dominion
RUD。 （still sobbing）。 You the most miserable man in my
whole dominion？ How can you have the face to stand there and say
such a thing？ Why； look at me！ Look at me！ （Bursts into
tears。）
LUD。 Well； I wouldn't be a cry…baby。
RUD。 A cry…baby？ If you had just been told that you were
going to be deposed to…morrow； and perhaps blown up with dynamite
for all I know； wouldn't you be a cry…baby？ I do declare if I
could only hit upon so
