lavengro-第70章

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over；　I　reached　the　ground；　and　regained　my　chamber　unobserved；　I　

flung　myself　on　my　bed　quite　exhausted；　presently　they　came　to　tell　

me　that　my　mother　was　better　…　they　found　me　in　the　state　which　I　

have　described；　and　in　a　fever　besides。　　The　favourable　crisis　must　

have　occurred　just　about　the　time　that　I　performed　the　magic　touch；　

it　certainly　was　a　curious　coincidence；　yet　I　was　not　weak　enough；　

even　though　a　child；　to　suppose　that　I　had　baffled　the　evil　chance　

by　my　daring　feat。



'Indeed；　all　the　time　that　I　was　performing　these　strange　feats；　I　

knew　them　to　be　highly　absurd；　yet　the　impulse　to　perform　them　was　

irresistible　…　a　mysterious　dread　hanging　over　me　till　I　had　given　

way　to　it；　even　at　that　early　period　I　frequently　used　to　reason　

within　myself　as　to　what　could　be　the　cause　of　my　propensity　to　

touch；　but　of　course　I　could　come　to　no　satisfactory　conclusion　

respecting　it；　being　heartily　ashamed　of　the　practice；　I　never　

spoke　of　it　to　any　one；　and　was　at　all　times　highly　solicitous　that　

no　one　should　observe　my　weakness。'







CHAPTER　LXV







Maternal　anxiety　…　The　baronet　…　Little　zest　…　Country　life　…　Mr。　

Speaker！　…　The　craving　…　Spirited　address　…　An　author。



AFTER　a　short　pause　my　host　resumed　his　narration。　　'Though　I　was　

never　sent　to　school；　my　education　was　not　neglected　on　that　

account；　I　had　tutors　in　various　branches　of　knowledge；　under　whom　

I　made　a　tolerable　progress；　by　the　time　I　was　eighteen　I　was　able　

to　read　most　of　the　Greek　and　Latin　authors　with　facility；　I　was　

likewise；　to　a　certain　degree；　a　mathematician。　　I　cannot　say　that　

I　took　much　pleasure　in　my　studies；　my　chief　aim　in　endeavouring　to　

accomplish　my　tasks　was　to　give　pleasure　to　my　beloved　parent；　who　

watched　my　progress　with　anxiety　truly　maternal。　　My　life　at　this　

period　may　be　summed　up　in　a　few　words：　　I　pursued　my　studies；　

roamed　about　the　woods；　walked　the　green　lanes　occasionally；　cast　

my　fly　in　a　trout　stream；　and　sometimes；　but　not　often；　rode　a…

hunting　with　my　uncle。　　A　considerable　part　of　my　time　was　devoted　

to　my　mother；　conversing　with　her　and　reading　to　her；　youthful　

companions　I　had　none；　and　as　to　my　mother；　she　lived　in　the　

greatest　retirement；　devoting　herself　to　the　superintendence　of　my　

education；　and　the　practice　of　acts　of　charity；　nothing　could　be　

more　innocent　than　this　mode　of　life；　and　some　people　say　that　in　

innocence　there　is　happiness；　yet　I　can't　say　that　I　was　happy。　　A　

continual　dread　overshadowed　my　mind；　it　was　the　dread　of　my　

mother's　death。　　Her　constitution　had　never　been　strong；　and　it　had　

been　considerably　shaken　by　her　last　illness；　this　I　knew；　and　this　

I　saw　…　for　the　eyes　of　fear　are　marvellously　keen。　　Well；　things　

went　on　in　this　way　till　I　had　come　of　age；　my　tutors　were　then　

dismissed；　and　my　uncle　the　baronet　took　me　in　hand；　telling　my　

mother　that　it　was　high　time　for　him　to　exert　his　authority；　that　I　

must　see　something　of　the　world；　for　that；　if　I　remained　much　

longer　with　her；　I　should　be　ruined。　　〃You　must　consign　him　to　me；〃　

said　he；　〃and　I　will　introduce　him　to　the　world。〃　　My　mother　sighed　

and　consented；　so　my　uncle　the　baronet　introduced　me　to　the　world；　

took　me　to　horse…races　and　to　London；　and　endeavoured　to　make　a　man　

of　me　according　to　his　idea　of　the　term；　and　in　part　succeeded。　　I　

became　moderately　dissipated　…　I　say　moderately；　for　dissipation　

had　but　little　zest　for　me。



'In　this　manner　four　years　passed　over。　　It　happened　that　I　was　in　

London　in　the　height　of　the　season　with　my　uncle；　at　his　house；　one　

morning　he　summoned　me　into　the　parlour；　he　was　standing　before　the　

fire；　and　looked　very　serious。　　〃I　have　had　a　letter；〃　said　he；　

〃your　mother　is　very　ill。〃　　I　staggered；　and　touched　the　nearest　

object　to　me；　nothing　was　said　for　two　or　three　minutes；　and　then　

my　uncle　put　his　lips　to　my　ear　and　whispered　something。　　I　fell　

down　senseless。　　My　mother　was　。　。　。　I　remember　nothing　for　a　long　

time　…　for　two　years　I　was　out　of　my　mind；　at　the　end　of　this　time　

I　recovered；　or　partly　so。　　My　uncle　the　baronet　was　very　kind　to　

me；　he　advised　me　to　travel；　he　offered　to　go　with　me。　　I　told　him　

he　was　very　kind；　but　I　would　rather　go　by　myself。　　So　I　went　

abroad；　and　saw；　amongst　other　things；　Rome　and　the　Pyramids。　　By　

frequent　change　of　scene　my　mind　became　not　happy；　but　tolerably　

tranquil。　　I　continued　abroad　some　years；　when；　becoming　tired　of　

travelling；　I　came　home；　found　my　uncle　the　baronet　alive；　hearty；　

and　unmarried；　as　he　still　is。　　He　received　me　very　kindly；　took　me　

to　Newmarket；　and　said　that　he　hoped　by　this　time　I　was　become　

quite　a　man　of　the　world；　by　his　advice　I　took　a　house　in　town；　in　

which　I　lived　during　the　season。　　In　summer　I　strolled　from　one　

watering…place　to　another；　and；　in　order　to　pass　the　time；　I　became　

very　dissipated。



'At　last　I　became　as　tired　of　dissipation　as　I　had　previously　been　

of　travelling；　and　I　determined　to　retire　to　the　country；　and　live　

on　my　paternal　estate；　this　resolution　I　was　not　slow　in　putting　

into　effect；　I　sold　my　house　in　town；　repaired　and　refurnished　my　

country　house；　and；　for　at　least　ten　years；　lived　a　regular　country　

life；　I　gave　dinner　parties；　prosecuted　poachers；　was　charitable　to　

the　poor；　and　now　and　then　went　into　my　library；　during　this　time　I　

was　seldom　or　never　visited　by　the　magic　impulse；　the　reason　being　

that　there　was　nothing　in　the　wide　world　for　which　I　cared　

sufficiently　to　move　a　finger　to　preserve　it。　　When　the　ten　years；　

however；　were　nearly　ended；　I　started　out　of　bed　one　morning　in　a　

fit　of　horror；　exclaiming；　〃Mercy；　mercy！　what　will　become　of　me？　　

I　am　afraid　I　shall　go　mad。　　I　have　lived　thirty…five　years　and　

upwards　without　doing　anything；　shall　I　pass　through　life　in　this　

manner？　　Horror！'　　And　then　in　rapid　succession　I　touched　three　

different　objects。



'I　dressed　myself　and　went　down；　determining　to　set　about　

something；　but　what　was　I　to　do？　…　there　was　the　difficulty。　　I　ate　

no　breakfast；　but　walked　about　the　room　in　a　state　of　distraction；　

at　last　I　thought　that　the　easiest　way　to　do　something　was　to　get　

into　Parliament；　there　would　be　no　difficulty　in　that。　　I　had　

plenty　of　money；　and　could　buy　a　seat；　but　what　was　I　to　do　in　

Parliament？　　Speak；　of　course　…　but　could　I　speak？　　〃I'll　try　at　

once；〃　said　I；　and　forthwith　I　rushed　into　the　largest　dining…room；　

and；　locking　the　door；　I　commenced　speaking：　　〃Mr。　Speaker；〃　said　

I；　and　then　I　went　on　speaking　for　about　ten　minutes　as　I　best　

could；　and　then　I　left　off；　for　I　was　talking　nonsense。　　No；　I　was　

not　formed　for　Parliament；　I　could　do　nothing　there。　　What　…　what　

was　I　to　do？



'Many；　many　times　I　thought　this　question　over；　but　was　unable　to　

solve　it；　a　fear　now　stole　over　me　that　I　was　unfit　for　anything　in　

the　world；　save　the　lazy　life　of　vegetation　which　I　had　for　many　

years　been　leading；　yet；　if　that　were　the　case；　thought　I；　why　the　

craving　within　me　to　distinguish　myself？　　Surely　it　does　not　occur　

fortuitously；　but　is　intended　to　rouse　and　call　into　exercise　

certain　latent　powers　that　I　possess？　and　then　with　infinite　

eagerness　I　set　about　attempting　to　discover　these　latent　powers。　　

I　tried　an　infinity　of　pursuits；　botany　and　geology　amongst　the　

rest；　but　in　vain；　I　was　fitted　for　none　of　them。　　I　became　very　

sorrowful　and　despondent；　and　at　one　time　I　had　almost　resolved　to　

plunge　again　into　the　whirlpool　of　dissipation；　it　was　a　dreadful　

resource；　it　was　true；　but　what　better　could　I　do？



'But　I　was　not　doomed　to　return　to　the　dissipation　of　the　world。　　

One　morning　a　young　nobleman；　who　had　for　some　time　past　showed　a　

wish　to　cultivate　my　acquaintance；　came　to　me　in　a　considerable　

hurry。　　〃I　am　come　to　beg　an　important　favour　of　you；〃　said　he；　

〃one　of　the　county　memberships　is　vacant　…　I　intend　to　become　a　

candidate；　what　I　want　immediately　is　a　spirited　address　to　the　

electors。　　I　have　been　endeavouring　to　frame　one　all　the　morning；　

but　in　vain；　I　have；　therefore；　recourse　to　you　as　a　person　of　

infinite　genius；　pray；　my　dear　friend；　concoct　me　one　by　the　

morning！〃　　〃What　you　require　of　me；〃　I　replied；　〃is　impossible；　I　

have　not　the　gift　of　words；　did　I　possess　it　I　would　stand　for　the　

county　myself；　but　I　can't　speak。　　Only　the　other　day　I　attempted　

to　make　a　speech；　but　left　off　suddenly；　utterly　ashamed；　although　

I　was　quite　alone；　of　the　nonsense　I　was　uttering。〃　　〃It　is　not　a　

speech　that　I　want；〃　said　my　friend；　〃I　can　talk　for　three　hours　

without　hesitating；　but　I　want　an　address　to　circulate　through　the　

county；　and　I　find　myself　utterly　incompetent　to　put　one　together；　

do　oblige　me　by　writing　one　for　me；　I　know　you　can；　and；　if　at　any　

time　you　want　a　person　to　speak　for　you；　you　may　command　me　not　for　

three　but　for　six　hours。　　Good…morning；　to…morrow　I　will　breakfast　

with　you。'　　In　the　morning　he　came　again。　　〃Well；〃　said　he；　〃what　

success？〃　　〃Very　poor；〃　said　I；　〃but　judge　for　yourself〃；　and　I　put　

into　his　hand　a　manuscript　of　several　pages。　　My　friend　read　it　

through　with　considerable　attention。　　〃I　congratulate　you；〃　said　

he；　〃and　likewise　myself；　I　was　not　mistaken　in　my　opinion　of　you；　

the　address　is　too　long　by　at　least　two…thirds；　or　I　should　rather　

say；　that　it　is　longer　by　two…thirds　than　addresses　generally　are；　

but　it　will　do　…　I　will　not　curtail　it　of　a　word。　　I　shall　win　my　

election。〃　　And　in　truth　he　did　win　his　election；　and　it　was　not　

only　his　own　but　the　general　opinion　that　he　owed　it　to　the　

address。



'But；　however　that　might　be；　I　had；　by　writing　the　address；　at　last　

discovered　what　had　so　long　eluded　my　search　…　what　I　was　able　to　

do。　　I；　who　had　neither　the　nerve　nor　the　command　of　speech　

necessary　to　constitute　the　orator　…　who　had　not　the　power　of　

patient　research　required　by　those　who　would　investigate　the　

secrets　of　nature；　had；　nevertheless；　a　ready　pen　and　teeming　

imagination。　　This　discovery　decided　my　fate　…　from　that　moment　I　

became　an　author。'







CHAPTER　LXVI







Trepidations　…　Subtle　principle　…　Perverse　imagination　…　Are　they　

mine？　…　Another　book　…　How　hard！　…　Agricultural　dinner　…　

Incomprehensible　actions　…　Inmost　bosom　…　Give　it　up　…　Chance　

resemblance　…　Rascally　newspaper。



'AN　author；'　said　I；　addressing　my　host；　'is　it　possible　that　I　am　

under　the　roof　of　an　author？'



'Yes；'　said　my　host；　sighing；　'my　name　is　so　and　so；　and　I　am　the　

author　of　so　and　so；　it　is　more　than　probable　that　you　have　heard　

both　of　my　name　and　works。　　I　will　not　detain　you　much　longer　with　

my　history；　the　night　is　advancing；　and　the　storm　appears　to　be　

upon　the　increase。　　My　life　since　the　period　of　my　becoming　an　

author　may　be　summed　briefly　as　an　almost　uninterrupted　series　of　

doubts；　anxieties；　and　trepidati