youth-第8章

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to　be　studied　FUNDAMENTALLY；〃　and　so　on；　and　so　on。



During　this　speech　（which　was　uttered　with　a　clipped　sort　of

intonation）　I　went　on　staring　dully　at　his　lowered　eyelids。

Beginning　with　a　fear　lest　I　should　lose　my　place　as　third　on　the

list；　I　went　on　to　fear　lest　I　should　pass　at　all。　Next；　these

feelings　became　reinforced　by　a　sense　of　injustice；　injured　self…

respect；　and　unmerited　humiliation；　while　the　contempt　which　I

felt　for　the　professor　as　some　one　not　quite　（according　to　my

ideas）　〃comme　il　faut〃a　fact　which　I　deduced　from　the

shortness；　strength；　and　roundness　of　his　nailsflared　up　in　me

more　and　more　and　turned　all　my　other　feelings　to　sheer

animosity。　Happening；　presently；　to　glance　at　me；　and　to　note　my

quivering　lips　and　tear…filled　eyes；　he　seemed　to　interpret　my

agitation　as　a　desire　to　be　accorded　my　marks　and　dismissed：

wherefore；　with　an　air　of　relenting；　he　said　（in　the　presence　of

another　professor　who　had　just　approached）：



〃Very　well；　I　will　accord　you　a　'pass'〃　（which　signified　two

marks）；　〃although　you　do　not　deserve　it。　I　do　so　simply　out　of

consideration　for　your　youth；　and　in　the　hope　that；　when　you

begin　your　University　career；　you　will　learn　to　be　less　light…

minded。〃



The　concluding　phrase；　uttered　in　the　hearing　of　the　other

professor　（who　at　once　turned　his　eyes　upon　me；　as　though

remarking；　〃There！　You　see；　young　man！〃）　completed　my

discomfiture。　For　a　moment；　a　mist　swam　before　my　eyesa　mist　in

which　the　terrible　professor　seemed　to　be　far　away；　as　he　sat　at

his　table　while　for　an　instant　a　wild　idea　danced　through　my

brain。　〃What　if　I　DID　do　such　a　thing？〃　I　thought　to　myself。

〃What　would　come　of　it？〃　However；　I　did　not　do　the　thing　in

question；　but；　on　the　contrary；　made　a　bow　of　peculiar　reverence

to　each　of　the　professors；　and　with　a　slight　smile　on　my　face

presumably　the　same　smile　as　that　with　which　I　had　derided

Ikoninturned　away　from　the　table。



This　piece　of　unfairness　affected　me　so　powerfully　at　the　time

that；　had　I　been　a　free　agent；　I　should　have　attended　for　no　more

examinations。　My　ambition　was　gone　（since　now　I　could　not

possibly　be　third）；　and　I　therefore　let　the　other　examinations

pass　without　any　exertion；　or　even　agitation；　on　my　part。　In　the

general　list　I　still　stood　fourth；　but　that　failed　to　interest

me；　since　I　had　reasoned　things　out　to　myself；　and　come　to　the

conclusion　that　to　try　for　first　place　was　stupideven　〃bad

form：〃　that；　in　fact；　it　was　better　to　pass　neither　very　well　nor

very　badly；　as　Woloda　had　done。　This　attitude　I　decided　to

maintain　throughout　the　whole　of　my　University　career；

notwithstanding　that　it　was　the　first　point　on　which　my　opinion

had　differed　from　that　of　my　friend　Dimitri。



Yet；　to　tell　the　truth；　my　thoughts　were　already　turning　towards

a　uniform；　a　〃mortar…board；〃　and　the　possession　of　a　drozhki　of

my　own；　a　room　of　my　own；　and；　above　all；　freedom　of　my　own。　And

certainly　the　prospect　had　its　charm。





XIII



I　BECOME　GROWN…UP



When；　on　May　8th；　I　returned　home　from　the　final；　the　divinity；

examination；　I　found　my　acquaintance；　the　foreman　from

Rozonoff's；　awaiting　me。　He　had　called　once　before　to　fit　me　for

my　gown；　as　well　as　for　a　tunic　of　glossy　black　cloth　（the　lapels

of　which　were；　on　that　occasion；　only　sketched　in　chalk）；　but　to…

day　he　had　come　to　bring　me　the　clothes　in　their　finished　state；

with　their　gilt　buttons　wrapped　in　tissue　paper。



Donning　the　garments；　and　finding　them　splendid　（notwithstanding

that　St。　Jerome　assured　me　that　the　back　of　the　tunic　wrinkled

badly）；　I　went　downstairs　with　a　complacent　smile　which　I　was

powerless　to　banish　from　my　face；　and　sought　Woloda；　trying　the

while　to　affect　unconsciousness　of　the　admiring　looks　of　the

servants；　who　came　darting　out　of　the　hall　and　corridor　to　gaze

upon　me　with　ravished　eyes。　Gabriel；　the　butler；　overtook　me　in

the　salle；　and；　after　congratulating　me　with　much　empressement；

handed　me；　according　to　instructions　from　my　father；　four　bank…

notes；　as　well　as　informed　me　that　Papa　had　also　given　orders

that；　from　that　day　forth；　the　groom　Kuzma；　the　phaeton；　and　the

bay　horse　Krassavchik　were　to　be　entirely　at　my　disposal。　I　was

so　overjoyed　at　this　not　altogether　expected　good…fortune　that　I

could　no　longer　feign　indifference　in　Gabriel's　presence；　but；

flustered　and　panting；　said　the　first　thing　which　came　into　my

head　（〃Krassavchik　is　a　splendid　trotter；〃　I　think　it　was）。　Then；

catching　sight　of　the　various　heads　protruding　from　the　doors　of

the　hall　and　corridor；　I　felt　that　I　could　bear　no　more；　and　set

off　running　at　full　speed　across　the　salle；　dressed　as　I　was　in

the　new　tunic；　with　its　shining　gilt　buttons。　Just　as　I　burst

into　Woloda's　room；　I　heard　behind　me　the　voices　of　Dubkoff　and

Nechludoff；　who　had　come　to　congratulate　me；　as　well　as　to

propose　a　dinner　somewhere　and　the　drinking　of　much　champagne　in

honour　of　my　matriculation。　Dimitri　informed　me　that；　though　he

did　not　care　for　champagne；　he　would　nevertheless　join　us　that

evening　and　drink　my　health；　while　Dubkoff　remarked　that　I　looked

almost　like　a　colonel；　and　Woloda　omitted　to　congratulate　me　at

all；　merely　saying　in　an　acid　way　that　he　supposed　we　should　now

i。e。　in　two　days　timebe　off　into　the　country。　The　truth　was

that　Woloda；　though　pleased　at　my　matriculation；　did　not

altogether　like　my　becoming　as　grown…up　as　himself。　St。　Jerome；

who　also　joined　us　at　this　moment；　said　in　a　very　pompous　manner

that　his　duties　were　now　ended；　and　that；　although　he　did　not

know　whether　they　had　been　well　done　or　ill；　at　least　he　had　done

his　best；　and　must　depart　to…morrow　to　his　Count's。　In　replying

to　their　various　remarks　I　could　feel；　in　spite　of　myself；　a

pleased；　agreeable；　faintly　self…sufficient　smile　playing　over　my

countenance；　as　well　as　could　remark　that　that　smile；

communicated　itself　to　those　to　whom　I　was　speaking。



So　here　was　I　without　a　tutor；　yet　with　my　own　private　drozhki；

my　name　printed　on　the　list　of　students；　a　sword　and　belt　of　my

own；　and　a　chance　of　an　occasional　salute　from　officials！　In

short；　I　was　grownup　and；　I　suppose；　happy。



Finally；　we　arranged　to　go　out　and　dine　at　five　o'clock；　but　since

Woloda　presently　went　off　to　Dubkoff's；　and　Dimitri　disappeared

in　his　usual　fashion　（saying　that　there　was　something　he　MUST　do

before　dinner）；　I　was　left　with　two　whole　hours　still　at　my

disposal。　For　a　time　I　walked　through　the　rooms　of　the　house；　and

looked　at　myself　in　all　the　mirrorsfirstly　with　the　tunic

buttoned；　then　with　it　unbuttoned；　and　lastly　with　only　the　top

button　fastened。　Each　time　it　looked　splendid。　Eventually；　though

anxious　not　to　show　any　excess　of　delight；　I　found　myself　unable

to　refrain　from　crossing　over　to　the　coach…house　and　stables　to

gaze　at　Krassovchik；　Kuzma；　and　the　drozhki。　Then　I　returned　and

once　more　began　my　tour　of　the　rooms；　where　I　looked　at　myself　in

all　the　mirrors　as　before；　and　counted　my　money　over　in　my

pocketmy　face　smiling　happily　the　while。　Yet　not　an　hour　had

elapsed　before　I　began　to　feel　slightly　ennuyeto　feel　a　shade

of　regret　that　no　one　was　present　to　see　me　in　my　splendid

position。　I　began　to　long　for　life　and　movement；　and　so　sent　out

orders　for　the　drozhki　to　be　got　ready；　since　I　had　made　up　my

mind　to　drive　to　the　Kuznetski　Bridge　and　make　some　purchases。



In　this　connection　I　recalled　how；　after　matriculating；　Woloda

had　gone　and　bought　himself　a　lithograph　of　horses　by　Victor　Adam

and　some　pipes　and　tobacco：　wherefore　I　felt　that　I　too　must　do

the　same。　Amid　glances　showered　upon　me　from　every　side；　and　with

the　sunlight　reflected　from　my　buttons；　cap…badge；　and　sword；　I

drove　to　the　Kuznetski　Bridge；　where；　halting　at　a　Picture　shop；

I　entered　it　with　my　eyes　looking　to　every　side。　It　was　not

precisely　horses　by　Adam　which　I　meant　to　buy；　since　I　did　not

wish　to　be　accused　of　too　closely　imitating　Woloda；　wherefore；

out　of　shame　for　causing　the　obsequious　shopmen　such　agitation　as

I　appeared　to　do；　I　made　a　hasty　selection；　and　pitched　upon　a

water…colour　of　a　woman's　head　which　I　saw　displayed　in　the

windowprice　twenty　roubles。　Yet　no　sooner　had　I　paid　the　twenty

roubles　over　the　counter　than　my　heart　smote　me　for　having　put

two　such　beautifully　dressed　shop…assistants　to　so　much　trouble

for　such　a　trifle。　Moreover；　I　fancied　that　they　were　regarding

me　with　some　disdain。　Accordingly；　in　my　desire　to　show　them　what

manner　of　man　I　was；　I　turned　my　attention　to　a　silver　trifle

which　I　saw　displayed　in　a　show…case；　and；　recognising　that　it

was　a　porte…crayon　（price　eighteen　roubles）；　requested　that　it

should　forthwith　be　wrapped　in　paper　for　me。　Next；　the　money

paid；　and　the　information　acquired　that　splendid　pipes　and

tobacco　were　to　be　obtained　in　an　adjacent　emporium；　I　bowed　to

the　two　shopmen　politely；　and　issued　into　the　street　with　the

picture　under　my　arm。　At　the　shop　next　door　（which　had　painted　on

its　sign…board　a　negro　smoking　a　cigar）　I　bought　（likewise　out　of

a　desire　to　imitate　no　one）　some　Turkish　tobacco；　a　Stamboul

hookah；　and　two　pipes。　On　coming　out　of　the　shop；　I　had　just

entered　the　drozhki　when　I　caught　sight　of　Semenoff；　who　was

walking　hurriedly　along　the　pavement　with　his　head　bent　down。

Vexed　that　he　should　not　have　recognised　me；　I　called　out　to　him

pretty　loudly；　〃Hold　on　a　minute！〃　and；　whipping　up　the　drozhki；

soon　overtook　him。



〃How　do　you　do？〃　I　said。



〃My　respects　to　you；〃　he　replied；　but　without　stopping。



〃Why　are　you　not　in　your　University　uniform？〃　I　next　inquired。



At　this　he　stopped　short　with　a　frown；　and　parted　his　white　teeth

as　though　the　sun　were　hurting　his　eyes。　The　next　moment；

however；　he　threw　a　glance　of　studied　indifference　at　my　drozhki

and　uniform；　and　continued　on　his　way。



From　the　Kuznetski　Bridge；　I　drove　to　a　confectioner's　in

Tverskaia　Street；　and；　much　as　I　should　have　liked　it　to　be

supposed　that　it　was　the　newspapers　which　most　interested　me；　I

had　no　choice　but　to　begin　falling　upon　tartlet　after　tartlet。　In

fact；　for　all　my　bashfulness　before　a　gentleman　who　kept

regarding　me　with　some　curiosity　from　behind　a　newspaper；　I　ate

with　great　swiftness　a　tartlet　of　each　of　the　eight　different

sorts　which　the　confectioner　kept。



On　reaching　home；　I　experienced　a　slight　touch　of　stomach…ache；

but　paid　no　attention　to　it；　and　set　to　work　to　inspect　my

purchases。　Of　these；　the　picture　so　much　displeased　me　that；

instead　of　having　it　framed　and　hung　in　my　room；　as　Woloda　had

done　with　his；　I　took　pains　to　hide　it　behind　a　chest　of　drawers；

where　no　one　could　see　it。　Likewise；　though　I　also　found　the

porte…crayon　distasteful；　I　was　able；　as　I　laid　it　on　my　table；

to　comfort　myself　with　the　thought　that　it　was　at　least　a　SILVER

articleso　much　capital；　as　it　wereand　likely　to　be　very

useful　to　a　student。　A