a mortal antipathy-第33章

按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！



alone　in　the　dark；　but　who；　a　few　years　later；　will　smile　at　their

foolish　terrors　and　brave　all　the　ghosts　of　a　haunted　chamber！　　Why

should　I　any　longer　be　the　slave　of　a　foolish　fancy　that　has　grown

into　a　half　insane　habit　of　mind？　　I　was　familiarly　acquainted　with

all　the　stories　of　the　strange　antipathies　and　invincible　repugnances

to　which　others；　some　of　them　famous　men；　had　been　subject。　　I　said

to　myself；　Why　should　not　I　overcome　this　dread　of　woman　as　Peter　the

Great　fought　down　his　dread　of　wheels　rolling　over　a　bridge？　　Was　I；

alone　of　all　mankind；　to　be　doomed　to　perpetual　exclusion　from　the

society　which；　as　it　seemed　to　me；　was　all　that　rendered　existence

worth　the　trouble　and　fatigue　of　slavery　to　the　vulgar　need　of

supplying　the　waste　of　the　system　and　working　at　the　task　of

respiration　like　the　daughters　of　Danaus；toiling　day　and　night　as

the　worn…out　sailor　labors　at　the　pump　of　his　sinking　vessel？



Why　did　I　not　brave　the　risk　of　meeting　squarely；　and　without　regard

to　any　possible　danger；　some　one　of　those　fair　maidens　whose　far…off

smile；　whose　graceful　movements；　at　once　attracted　and　agitated　me？

I　can　only　answer　this　question　to　the　satisfaction　of　any　really

inquiring　reader　by　giving　him　the　true　interpretation　of　the

singular　phenomenon　of　which　I　was　the　subject。　　For　this　I　shall

have　to　refer　to　a　paper　of　which　I　have　made　a　copy；　and　which　will

be　found　included　with　this　manuscript。　　It　is　enough　to　say　here；

without　entering　into　the　explanation　of　the　fact；　which　will　be

found　simple　enough　as　seen　by　the　light　of　modern　physiological

science；　that　the　〃nervous　disturbance〃　which　the　presence　of　a　woman

in　the　flower　of　her　age　produced　in　my　system　was　a　sense　of

impending　death；　sudden；　overwhelming；　unconquerable；　appalling。　　It

was　a　reversed　action　of　the　nervous　centres；the　opposite　of　that

which　flushes　the　young　lover's　cheek　and　hurries　his　bounding　pulses

as　he　comes　into　the　presence　of　the　object　of　his　passion。　　No　one

who　has　ever　felt　the　sensation　can　have　failed　to　recognize　it　as　an

imperative　summons；　which　commands　instant　and　terrified　submission。



It　was　at　this　period　of　my　life　that　my　father　determined　to　try　the

effect　of　travel　and　residence　in　different　localities　upon　my　bodily

and　mental　condition。　　I　say　bodily　as　well　as　mental；　for　I　was　too

slender　for　my　height　and　subject　to　some　nervous　symptoms　which　were

a　cause　of　anxiety。　　That　the　mind　was　largely　concerned　in　these

there　was　no　doubt；　but　the　mutual　interactions　of　mind　and　body　are

often　too　complex　to　admit　of　satisfactory　analysis。　　Each　is　in　part

cause　and　each　also　in　part　effect。



We　passed　some　years　in　Italy；　chiefly　in　Rome；　where　I　was　placed　in

a　school　conducted　by　priests；　and　where　of　course　I　met　only　those

of　my　own　sex。　　There　I　had　the　opportunity　of　seeing　the　influences

under　which　certain　young　Catholics；　destined　for　the　priesthood；　are

led　to　separate　themselves　from　all　communion　with　the　sex　associated

in　their　minds　with　the　most　subtle　dangers　to　which　the　human　soul

can　be　exposed。　　I　became　in　some　degree　reconciled　to　the　thought　of

exclusion　from　the　society　of　women　by　seeing　around　me　so　many　who

were　self…devoted　to　celibacy。　　The　thought　sometimes　occurred　to　me

whether　I　should　not　find　the　best　and　the　only　natural　solution　of

the　problem　of　existence；　as　submitted　to　myself；　in　taking　upon　me

the　vows　which　settle　the　whole　question　and　raise　an　impassable

barrier　between　the　devotee　and　the　object　of　his　dangerous

attraction。



How　often　I　talked　this　whole　matter　over　with　the　young　priest　who

was　at　once　my　special　instructor　and　my　favorite　companion！　　But

accustomed　as　I　had　become　to　the　forms　of　the　Roman　Church；　and

impressed　as　I　was　with　the　purity　and　excellence　of　many　of　its

young　members　with　whom　I　was　acquainted；　my　early　training　rendered

it　impossible　for　me　to　accept　the　credentials　which　it　offered　me　as

authoritative。　　My　friend　and　instructor　had　to　set　me　down　as　a　case

of　〃invincible　ignorance。〃　　This　was　the　loop…hole　through　which　he

crept　out　of　the　prison…house　of　his　creed；　and　was　enabled　to　look

upon　me　without　the　feeling　of　absolute　despair　with　which　his

sterner　brethren　would；　I　fear；　have　regarded　me。



I　have　said　that　accident　exposed　me　at　times　to　the　influence　which

I　had　such　reasons　for　dreading。　　Here　is　one　example　of　such　an

occurrence；　which　I　relate　as　simply　as　possible；　vividly　as　it　is

impressed　upon　my　memory。　　A　young　friend　whose　acquaintance　I　had

made　in　Rome　asked　me　one　day　to　come　to　his　rooms　and　look　at　a

cabinet　of　gems　and　medals　which　he　had　collected。　　I　had　been　but　a

short　time　in　his　library　when　a　vague　sense　of　uneasiness　came　over

me。　　My　heart　became　restless；I　could　feel　it　stirring　irregularly；

as　if　it　were　some　frightened　creature　caged　in　my　breast。　　There　was

nothing　that　I　could　see　to　account　for　it。　　A　door　was　partly　open；

but　not　so　that　I　could　see　into　the　next　room。　　The　feeling　grew

upon　me　of　some　influence　which　was　paralyzing　my　circulation。　　I

begged　my　friend　to　open　a　window。　　As　be　did　so；　the　door　swung　in

the　draught；　and　I　saw　a　blooming　young　woman；it　was　my　friend's

sister；　who　had　been　sitting　with　a　book　in　her　hand；　and　who　rose　at

the　opening　of　the　door。　　Something　had　warned　me　of　the　presence　of

a　woman；　that　occult　and　potent　aura　of　individuality；　call　it

personal　magnetism；　spiritual　effluence；　or　reduce　it　to　a　simpler

expression　if　you　will；　whatever　it　was；　it　had　warned　me　of　the

nearness　of　the　dread　attraction　which　allured　at　a　distance　and

revealed　itself　with　all　the　terrors　of　the　Lorelei　if　approached　too

recklessly。　　A　sign　from　her　brother　caused　her　to　withdraw　at　once；

but　not　before　I　had　felt　the　impression　which　betrayed　itself　in　my

change　of　color；　anxiety　about　the　region　of　the　heart；　and　sudden

failure　as　if　about　to　fall　in　a　deadly　fainting…fit。



Does　all　this　seem　strange　and　incredible　to　the　reader　of　my

manuscript？　　Nothing　in　the　history　of　life　is　so　strange　or

exceptional　as　it　seems　to　those　who　have　not　made　a　long　study　of

its　mysteries。　　I　have　never　known　just　such　a　case　as　my　own；　and

yet　there　must　have　been　such；　and　if　the　whole　history　of　mankind

were　unfolded　I　cannot　doubt　that　there　have　been　many　like　it。　　Let

my　reader　suspend　his　judgment　until　he　has　read　the　paper　I　have

referred　to；　which　was　drawn　up　by　a　Committee　of　the　Royal　Academy

of　the　Biological　Sciences。　　In　this　paper　the　mechanism　of　the

series　of　nervous　derangements　to　which　I　have　been　subject　since　the

fatal　shock　experienced　in　my　infancy　is　explained　in　language　not

hard　to　understand。　　It　will　be　seen　that　such　a　change　of　polarity

in　the　nervous　centres　is　only　a　permanent　form　and　an　extreme　degree

of　an　emotional　disturbance；　which　as　a　temporary　and　comparatively

unimportant　personal　accident　is　far　from　being　uncommon；is　so

frequent；　in　fact；　that　every　one　must　have　known　instances　of　it；

and　not　a　few　must　have　had　more　or　less　serious　experiences　of　it　in

their　own　private　history。



It　must　not　be　supposed　that　my　imagination　dealt　with　me　as　I　am　now

dealing　with　the　reader。　　I　was　full　of　strange　fancies　and　wild

superstitions。　　One　of　my　Catholic　friends　gave　me　a　silver　medal

which　had　been　blessed　by　the　Pope；　and　which　I　was　to　wear　next　my

body。　　I　was　told　that　this　would　turn　black　after　a　time；　in　virtue

of　a　power　which　it　possessed　of　drawing　out　original　sin；　or　certain

portions　of　it；　together　with　the　evil　and　morbid　tendencies　which

had　been　engrafted　on　the　corrupt　nature。　　I　wore　the　medal

faithfully；　as　directed；　and　watched　it　carefully。　　It　became

tarnished　and　after　a　time　darkened；　but　it　wrought　no　change　in　my

unnatural　condition。



There　was　an　old　gypsy　who　had　the　reputation　of　knowing　more　of

futurity　than　she　had　any　right　to　know。　　The　story　was　that　she　had

foretold　the　assassination　of　Count　Rossi　and　the　death　of　Cavour。



However　that　may　have　been；　I　was　persuaded　to　let　her　try　her　black

art　upon　my　future。　　I　shall　never　forget　the　strange；　wild　look　of

the　wrinkled　hag　as　she　took　my　hand　and　studied　its　lines　and　fixed

her　wicked　old　eyes　on　my　young　countenance。　　After　this　examination

she　shook　her　head　and　muttered　some　words；　which　as　nearly　as　I

could　get　them　would　be　in　English　like　these：



　　　　　Fair　lady　cast　a　spell　on　thee；

　　　　　Fair　lady's　hand　shall　set　thee　free。



Strange　as　it　may　seem；　these　words　of　a　withered　old　creature；　whose

palm　had　to　be　crossed　with　silver　to　bring　forth　her　oracular

response；　have　always　clung　to　my　memory　as　if　they　were　destined　to

fulfilment。　　The　extraordinary　nature　of　the　affliction　to　which　I

was　subject　disposed　me　to　believe　the　incredible　with　reference　to

all　that　relates　to　it。　　I　have　never　ceased　to　have　the　feeling

that；　sooner　or　later；　I　should　find　myself　freed　from　the　blight

laid　upon　me　in　my　infancy。　　It　seems　as　if　it　would　naturally　come

through　the　influence　of　some　young　and　fair　woman；　to　whom　that

merciful　errand　should　be　assigned　by　the　Providence　that　governs　our

destiny。　　With　strange　hopes；　with　trembling　fears；　with　mingled

belief　and　doubt；　wherever　I　have　found　myself　I　have　sought　with

longing　yet　half…averted　eyes　for　the　〃elect　lady；〃　as　I　have　learned

to　call　her；　who　was　to　lift　the　curse　from　my　ruined　life。



Three　times　I　have　been　led　to　the　hope；　if　not　the　belief；　that　I

had　found　the　object　of　my　superstitious　belief。　Singularly　enough

it　was　always　on　the　water　that　the　phantom　of　my　hope　appeared

before　my　bewildered　vision。　　Once　it　was　an　English　girl　who　was　a

fellow　passenger　with　me　in　one　of　my　ocean　voyages。　　I　need　not　say

that　she　was　beautiful；　for　she　was　my　dream　realized。　　I　heard　her

singing；　I　saw　her　walking　the　deck　on　some　of　the　fair　days　when

sea…sickness　was　forgotten。　　The　passengers　were　a　social　company

enough；　but　I　had　kept　myself　apart；　as　was　my　wont。　　At　last　the

attraction　became　too　strong　to　resist　any　longer。　　〃I　will　venture

into　the　charmed　circle　if　it　kills　me；〃　I　said　to　my　father。　　I　did

venture；　and　it　did　not　kill　me；　or　I　should　not　be　telling　this

story。　　But　there　was　a　repetition　of　the　old　experiences。　　I　need

not　relate　the　series　of　alarming　consequences　of　my　venture。　　The

English　girl　was　very　lovely；　and　I　have　no　doubt　has　made　some　one

supremely　happy　before　this；　but　she　was　not　the　〃elect　lady〃　of　the

prophecy　and　of　my　dreams。



A　second　time　I　thought　myself　for　a　moment　in　the　presence　of　the

destined　deliverer　who　was　to　restore　me　to　my　natural　place　among　my

fellow　men　and　women。　　It　was　on　the　Tiber　that　I　met　the　young

maiden　who　drew　me　once　more　into　that　inner　circle　which　surrounded

young　womanhood　with　deadly　peril　for　me；　if　I