the history of john bull-第4章

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nner：〃My　dear；　since　I　have　been　your　wife；　I　have　observed　great　abuses　and　disorders　in　your　family：　　your　servants　are　mutinous　and　quarrelsome；　and　cheat　you　most　abominably；　your　cookmaid　is　in　a　combination　with　your　butcher；　poulterer；　and　fishmonger；　your　butler　purloins　your　liquor；　and　the　brewer　sells　you　hogwash；　your　baker　cheats　both　in　weight　and　in　tale；　even　your　milkwoman　and　your　nursery…maid　have　a　fellow　feeling；　your　tailor；　instead　of　shreds；　cabbages　whole　yards　of　cloth；　besides；　leaving　such　long　scores；　and　not　going　to　market　with　ready　money　forces　us　to　take　bad　ware　of　the　tradesmen　at　their　own　price。　　You　have　not　posted　your　books　these　ten　years。　How　is　it　possible　for　a　man　of　business　to　keep　his　affairs　even　in　the　world　at　this　rate？　　Pray　God　this　Hocus　be　honest；　would　to　God　you　would　look　over　his　bills；　and　see　how　matters　stand　between　Frog　and　you。　　Prodigious　sums　are　spent　in　this　lawsuit；　and　more　must　be　borrowed　of　scriveners　and　usurers　at　heavy　interest。　Besides；　my　dear；　let　me　beg　of　you　to　lay　aside　that　wild　project　of　leaving　your　business　to　turn　lawyer；　for　which；　let　me　tell　you；　Nature　never　designed　you。　　Believe　me；　these　rogues　do　but　flatter；　that　they　may　pick　your　pocket；　observe　what　a　parcel　of　hungry　ragged　fellows　live　by　your　cause；　to　be　sure　they　will　never　make　an　end　of　it。　　I　foresee　this　haunt　you　have　got　about　the　courts　will　one　day　or　another　bring　your　family　to　beggary。　　Consider；　my　dear；　how　indecent　it　is　to　abandon　your　shop　and　follow　pettifoggers；　the　habit　is　so　strong　upon　you；　that　there　is　hardly　a　plea　between　two　country　esquires；　about　a　barren　acre　upon　a　common；　but　you　draw　yourself　in　as　bail；　surety；　or　solicitor。〃　John　heard　her　all　this　while　with　patience；　till　she　pricked　his　maggot；　and　touched　him　in　the　tender　point。　　Then　he　broke　out　into　a　violent　passion：　　〃What；　I　not　fit　for　a　lawyer？　let　me　tell　you；　my　clod…pated　relations　spoiled　the　greatest　genius　in　the　world　when　they　bred　me　a　mechanic。　　Lord　Strutt；　and　his　old　rogue　of　a　grandsire；　have　found　to　their　cost　that　I　can　manage　a　lawsuit　as　well　as　another。〃　　〃I　don't　deny　what　you　say；〃　replied　Mrs。　Bull；　〃nor　do　I　call　in　question　your　parts；　but；　I　say；　it　does　not　suit　with　your　circumstances；　you　and　your　predecessors　have　lived　in　good　reputation　among　your　neighbours　by　this　same　clothing…trade；　and　it　were　madness　to　leave　it　off。　　Besides；　there　are　few　that　know　all　the　tricks　and　cheats　of　these　lawyers。　　Does　not　your　own　experience　teach　you　how　they　have　drawn　you　on　from　one　term　to　another；　and　how　you　have　danced　the　round　of　all　the　courts；　still　flattering　you　with　a　final　issue；　and；　for　aught　I　can　see；　your　cause　is　not　a　bit　clearer　than　it　was　seven　years　ago。〃　　〃I　will　be　hanged；〃　says　John；　〃if　I　accept　of　any　composition　from　Strutt　or　his　grandfather；　I'll　rather　wheel　about　the　streets　an　engine　to　grind　knives　and　scissors。　　However；　I'll　take　your　advice；　and　look　over　my　accounts。〃

*　A　new　Parliament：　　the　aversion　of　a　Tory　House　of　Commons　to　war。



CHAPTER　XI。　　How　John　looked　over　his　Attorney's　Bill。*

*　Looking　over　the　accounts。

When　John　first　brought　out　the　bills；　the　surprise　of　all　the　family　was　unexpressible　at　the　prodigious　dimensions　of　them；　they　would　have　measured　with　the　best　bale　of　cloth　in　John's　shop。　Fees　to　judges；　puny　judges；　clerks；　prothonotaries；　philisers；　chirographers；　under…clerks；　proclamators；　counsel；　witnesses；　jurymen；　marshals；　tipstaffs；　criers；　porters；　for　enrollings；　exemplifications；　bails；　vouchers；　returns；　caveats；　examinations；　filings　of　words；　entries；　declarations；　replications；　recordats；　nolle　prosequies；　certioraries；　mittimuses；　demurrers；　special　verdicts；　informations；　scire　facias；　supersedeas；　habeas　corpus；　coach…hire；　treating　of　witnesses；　etc。　　〃Verily；〃　says　John；　〃there　are　a　prodigious　number　of　learned　words　in　this　law；　what　a　pretty　science　it　is！〃　　〃Ay　but；　husband；　you　have　paid　for　every　syllable　and　letter　of　these　fine　words。　　Bless　me；　what　immense　sums　are　at　the　bottom　of　the　account！〃　　John　spent　several　weeks　in　looking　over　his　bills；　and；　by　comparing　and　stating　his　accounts；　he　discovered　that；　besides　the　extravagance　of　every　article；　he　had　been　egregiously　cheated；　that　he　had　paid　for　counsel　that　were　never　fee'd；　for　writs　that　were　never　drawn；　for　dinners　that　were　never　dressed；　and　journeys　that　were　never　made；　in　short；　that　the　tradesmen；　lawyers；　and　Frog　had　agreed　to　throw　the　burden　of　the　lawsuit　upon　his　shoulders。



CHAPTER　XII。　　How　John　grew　angry；　and　resolved　to　accept　a　Composition；　and　what　Methods　were　practised　by　the　Lawyers　for　keeping　him　from　it。*

Well　might　the　learned　Daniel　Burgess　say；　〃That　a　lawsuit　is　a　suit　for　life。　　He　that　sows　his　grain　upon　marble　will　have　many　a　hungry　belly　before　harvest。〃　　This　John　felt　by　woeful　experience。　John's　cause　was　a　good　milch　cow；　and　many　a　man　subsisted　his　family　out　of　it。　　However；　John　began　to　think　it　high　time　to　look　about　him。　　He　had　a　cousin　in　the　country；　one　Sir　Roger　Bold；　whose　predecessors　had　been　bred　up　to　the　law；　and　knew　as　much　of　it　as　anybody；　but　having　left　off　the　profession　for　some　time；　they　took　great　pleasure　in　compounding　lawsuits　among　their　neighbours；　for　which　they　were　the　aversion　of　the　gentlemen　of　the　long　robe；　and　at　perpetual　war　with　all　the　country　attorneys。　John　put　his　cause　in　Sir　Roger's　hands；　desiring　him　to　make　the　best　of　it。　　The　news　had　no　sooner　reached　the　ears　of　the　lawyers；　but　they　were　all　in　an　uproar。　　They　brought　all　the　rest　of　the　tradesmen　upon　John。**　　Squire　South　swore　he　was　betrayed；　that　he　would　starve　before　he　compounded；　Frog　said　he　was　highly　wronged；　even　lying　Ned　the　chimney…sweeper　and　Tom　the　dustman　complained　that　their　interest　was　sacrificed；　the　lawyers；　solicitors；　Hocus　and　his　clerks；　were　all　up　in　arms　at　the　news　of　the　composition：　they　abused　him　and　his　wife　most　shamefully。　　〃You　silly；　awkward；　ill…bred　country　sow；〃　quoth　one；　〃have　you　no　more　manners　than　to　rail　at　Hocus　that　has　saved　that　clod…pated　numskulled　ninny…hammer　of　yours　from　ruin；　and　all　his　family？　　It　is　well　known　how　he　has　rose　early　and　sat　up　late　to　make　him　easy；　when　he　was　sotting　at　every　alehouse　in　town。　　I　knew　his　last　wife：　she　was　a　woman　of　breeding；　good　humour；　and　complaisanceknew　how　to　live　in　the　world。　　As　for　you；　you　look　like　a　puppet　moved　by　clockwork；　your　clothes　hang　upon　you　as　they　were　upon　tenter…hooks；　and　you　come　into　a　room　as　you　were　going　to　steal　away　a　pint　pot。　　Get　you　gone　in　the　country；　to　look　after　your　mother's　poultry；　to　milk　the　cows；　churn　the　butter；　and　dress　up　nosegays　for　a　holiday；　and　not　meddle　with　matters　which　you　know　no　more　of　than　the　sign…post　before　your　door。　　It　is　well　known　that　Hocus　has　an　established　reputation；　he　never　swore　an　oath；　nor　told　a　lie；　in　all　his　life；　he　is　grateful　to　his　benefactors；　faithful　to　his　friends；　liberal　to　his　dependents；　and　dutiful　to　his　superiors；　he　values　not　your　money　more　than　the　dust　under　his　feet；　but　he　hates　to　be　abused。　Once　for　all；　Mrs。　Minx；　leave　off　talking　of　Hocus；　or　I　will　pull　out　these　saucer…eyes　of　yours；　and　make　that　redstreak　country　face　look　as　raw　as　an　ox…cheek　upon　a　butcher's…stall；　remember；　I　say；　that　there　are　pillories　and　ducking…stools。〃***　　With　this　away　they　flung；　leaving　Mrs。　Bull　no　time　to　reply。　　No　stone　was　left　unturned　to　frighten　John　from　his　composition。　　Sometimes　they　spread　reports　at　coffee…houses　that　John　and　his　wife　were　run　mad；　that　they　intended　to　give　up　house；　and　make　over　all　their　estate　to　Lewis　Baboon；　that　John　had　been　often　heard　talking　to　himself；　and　seen　in　the　streets　without　shoes　or　stockings；　that　he　did　nothing　from　morning　till　night　but　beat　his　servants；　after　having　been　the　best　master　alive。　　As　for　his　wife；　she　was　a　mere　natural。　　Sometimes　John's　house　was　beset　with　a　whole　regiment　of　attornies'　clerks；　bailiffs；　and　bailiffs'　followers；　and　other　small　retainers　of　the　law；　who　threw　stones　at　his　windows；　and　dirt　at　himself　as　he　went　along　the　street。　　When　John　complained　of　want　of　ready…money　to　carry　on　his　suit；　they　advised　him　to　pawn　his　plate　and　jewels；　and　that　Mrs。　Bull　should　sell　her　linen　and　wearing　clothes。

*　Talk　of　peace；　and　the　struggle　of　the　party　against　it。　**　The　endeavours　made　use　of　to　stop　the　Treaty　of　Peace；　***　Reflections　upon　the　House　of　Commons　as　ignorant；　who　know　nothing　of　business。



CHAPTER　XIII。　　Mrs。　Bull's　vindication　of　the　indispensable　duty　incumbent　upon　Wives　in　case　of　the　Tyranny；　Infidelity；　or　Insufficiency　of　Husbands；　being　a　full　Answer　to　the　Doctor's　Sermon　against　Adultery。*

*　The　Tories'　representation　of　the　speeches　at　Sacheverel's　trial。

John　found　daily　fresh　proofs　of　the　infidelity　and　bad　designs　of　his　deceased　wife；　amongst　other　things；　one　day　looking　over　his　cabinet；　he　found　the　following　paper：

〃It　is　evident　that　matrimony　is　founded　upon　an　original　contract；　whereby　the　wife　makes　over　the　right　she　has　by　the　law　of　Nature　in　favour　of　the　husband；　by　which　he　acquires　the　property　of　all　her　posterity。　　But；　then；　the　obligation　is　mutual；　and　where　the　contract　is　broken　on　one　side　it　ceases　to　bind　on　the　other。　Where　there　is　a　right　there　must　be　a　power　to　maintain　it　and　to　punish　the　offending　party。　　This　power　I　affirm　to　be　that　original　right；　or　rather　that　indispensable　duty　lodged　in　all　wives　in　the　cases　above　mentioned。　　No　wife　is　bound　by　any　law　to　which　herself　has　not　consented。　　All　economical　government　is　lodged　originally　in　the　husband　and　wife；　the　executive　part　being　in　the　husband；　both　have　their　privileges　secured　to　them　by　law　and　reason；　but　will　any　man　infer　from　the　husband　being　invested　with　the　executive　power；　that　the　wife　is　deprived　of　her　share；　and　that　she　has　no　remedy　left　but　preces　and　lacrymae；　or　an　appeal　to　a　supreme　court　of　judicature？　　No　less　frivolous　are　the　arrangements　that　are　drawn　from　the　general　appellations　and　terms　of　husband　and　wife。　　A　husband　denotes　several　different　sorts　of　magistracy；　according　to　the　usages　and　customs　of　different　climates　and　countries。　　In　some　eastern　nations　it　signifies　a　tyrant；　with　the　absolute　power　of　life　and　death。　　In　Turkey　it　denotes　an　arbitrary　governor；　with　power　of　perpetual　imprisonment；　in　Italy　it　gives　the　husband　the　power　of　poison　and　padlocks；　in　the　countries　of　England；　France；　and　Holland；　it　has　a　quite　different　meaning；　implying　a　free　and　equal　government；　securing　to　the　wife　in　certain　cases　the　liberty　of　change；　and　the　property　of　pin…money　and　separate　maintenance。　　So　that　the　arguments　drawn　from　the　terms　of　husband　and　wife　are　fallacious；　and　by　no　means　fit　to　support　a　tyrannical　doctrine；　as　that　of　absolute　unlimited　chastity　and　conjugal　fidelity。

〃The　general　exhortations　to　fidelity　in　wives　are　meant　only　for　rules　in　ordinary　cases；　but　they　naturally　suppose　three　conditions　of　ability；　justice；　and　fidelity　in　the　husband；　such　an　unlimited；　unconditioned　fidelity　in　the　wife　could　never　be　supposed　by　reaso