the history of john bull-第16章

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JOHN　BULL。I　am　not　much　for　that　at　present；　we'll　settle　it　between　ourselves。　　Fair　and　square；　Nic。；　keeps　friends　together。　There　have　been　laid　out　in　this　lawsuit；　at　one　time；　36；OOO　pounds　and　4O；OOO　crowns。　　In　some　cases　I；　in　others　you；　bear　the　greatest　proportion。

NIC　FROG。Right；　I　pay　three…fifths　of　the　greatest　number；　and　you　pay　two…thirds　of　the　lesser　number。　　I　think　this　is　fair　and　square；　as　you　call　it。

JOHN　BULL。Well；　go　on。

NIC　FROG。Two…thirds　of　36；OOO　pounds　are　24；OOO　pounds　for　your　share；　and　there　remains　12；OOO　for　mine。　　Again；　of　the　4O；OOO　crowns　I　pay　24；OOO；　which　is　three…fifths；　and　you　pay　only　16；OOO；　which　is　two…fifths；　24；OOO　crowns　make　6；OOO　pounds；　and　16；OOO　crowns　make　4；OOO　pounds；　12；OOO　and　16；OOO　make　18；OOO；　24；OOO　and　4；OOO　make　28；OOO。　　So　there　are　18；OOO　pounds　to　my　share　of　the　expenses；　and　28；OOO　to　yours。

After　Nic。　had　bamboozled　John　awhile　about　the　18；OOO　and　the　28；OOO；　John　called　for　counters；　but　what　with　sleight　of　hand；　and　taking　from　his　own　score　and　adding　to　John's；　Nic。　brought　the　balance　always　on　his　own　side。

JOHN　BULL。Nay；　good　friend　Nic。；　though　I　am　not　quite　so　nimble　in　the　fingers；　I　understand　ciphering　as　well　as　you。　　I　will　produce　you　my　accounts　one　by　one；　fairly　writ　out　of　my　own　books；　and　here　I　begin　with　the　first。　　You　must　excuse　me　if　I　don't　pronounce　the　law　terms　right。

＇John　reads。＇

For　the　expenses　ordinary　of　the　suits；　fees　to　judges；　puisne　judges；　lawyers　innumerable　of　all　sorts：

Of　extraordinaries；　as　follows　per　account　。　。　To　Esquire　South's　account　for　post　terminums　。　。　To　ditto　for　non　est　factums　。　。　To　ditto　for　noli　prosequis；　discontinuance；　and　retraxit　。　。　For　writs　of　error　。　。　Suits　of　conditions　unperformed　。　。　To　Hocus　for　dedimus　protestatem　。　。　To　ditto　for　a　capias　ad　computandum　。　。　To　Frog's　new　tenants　per　account　to　Hocus；　for　audita　querelas　。　。　On　the　said　account　for　writs　of　ejectment　and　distringas　。　。　To　Esquire　South's　quota　for　a　return　of　a　non　est　invent　　　　and　nulla　habet　bona　。　。　To　…　for　a　pardon　in　forma　pauperis　。　。　To　Jack　for　a　melius　inquirendum　upon　a　felo…de…se　。　。　To　coach…hire　。　。　For　treats　to　juries　and　witnesses　。　。

John　having　read　over　his　articles；　with　the　respective　sums；　brought　in　Frog　debtor　to　him　upon　the　balance；　3；382　pounds　12　shillings。

Then　Nic。　Frog　pulled　his　bill　out　of　his　pocket；　and　began　to　read。

Nicholas　Frog's　Account。

Remains　to　be　deducted　out　of　the　former　Account。

Paid　by　Nic。　Frog　for　his　share　of　the　ordinary　expenses　of　the　suit　。　。　To　Hocus　for　entries　of　a　rege　inconsulto　。　。　To　John　Bull's　nephew　for　a　venire　facias；　the　money　not　yet　all　laid　out　。　。　The　coach…hire　for　my　wife　and　family；　and　the　carriage　of　my　goods　during　the　　　　time　of　this　lawsuit　。　。　For　the　extraordinary　expenses　of　feeding　my　family　during　this　lawsuit　。　。　To　Major　Ab。　。　。　To　Major　Will。　。　。

And　summing　all　up；　found　due　upon　the　balance　by　John　Bull　to　Nic。　Frog；　9　pounds　4　shillings　and　6　pence。

JOHN　BULL。As　for　your　venire　facias；　I　have　paid　you　for　one　already；　in　the　other　I　believe　you　will　be　nonsuited。　　I'll　take　care　of　my　nephew　myself。　　Your　coach…hire　and　family　charges　are　most　unreasonable　deductions；　at　that　rate；　I　can　bring　in　any　man　in　the　world　my　debtor。　　But　who　the　devil　are　those　two　majors　that　consume　all　my　money？　　I　find　they　always　run　away　with　the　balance　in　all　accounts。

NIC。　FROG。Two　very　honest　gentlemen；　I　assure　you；　that　have　done　me　some　service。　　To　tell　you　plainly；　Major　Ab。　denotes　thy　greater　ability；　and　Major　Will。　thy　greater　willingness　to　carry　on　this　lawsuit。　　It　was　but　reasonable　thou　shouldst　pay　both　for　thy　power　and　thy　positiveness。

JOHN　BULL。I　believe　I　shall　have　those　two　honest　majors'　discount　on　my　side　in　a　little　time。

NIC。　FROG。Why　all　this　higgling　with　thy　friend　about　such　a　paltry　sum？　　Does　this　become　the　generosity　of　the　noble　and　rich　John　Bull？　　I　wonder　thou　art　not　ashamed。　　Oh；　Hocus！　Hocus！　where　art　thou？　　It　used　to　go　another…guess　manner　in　thy　time。　　When　a　poor　man　has　almost　undone　himself　for　thy　sake；　thou　art　for　fleecing　him；　and　fleecing　him。　　Is　that　thy　conscience；　John？

JOHN　BULL。Very　pleasant；　indeed！　　It　is　well　known　thou　retainest　thy　lawyers　by　the　year；　so　a　fresh　lawsuit　adds　but　little　to　thy　expenses；　they　are　thy　customers；*　I　hardly　ever　sell　them　a　farthing's…worth　of　anything。　　Nay；　thou　hast　set　up　an　eating…house；　where　the　whole　tribe　of　them　spend　all　they　can　rap　or　run。　　If　it　were　well　reckoned；　I　believe　thou　gettest　more　of　my　money　than　thou　spendest　of　thy　own。　　However；　if　thou　wilt　needs　plead　poverty；　own　at　least　that　thy　accounts　are　false。

*　The　money　spent　in　Holland　and　Flanders。

NIC。　FROG。No；　marry　won't　I；　I　refer　myself　to　these　honest　gentlemenlet　them　judge　between　us。　　Let　Esquire　South　speak　his　mind；　whether　my　accounts　are　not　right；　and　whether　we　ought　not　to　go　on　with　our　lawsuit。

JOHN　BULL。Consult　the　butchers　about　keeping　of　Lent。　　Dost　think　that　John　Bull　will　be　tried　by　piepowders？　　I　tell　you；　once　for　all；　John　Bull　knows　where　his　shoe　pinches。　　None　of　your　esquires　shall　give　him　the　law　as　long　as　he　wears　this　trusty　weapon　by　his　side；　or　has　an　inch　of　broadcloth　in　his　shop。

NIC。　FROG。Why；　there　it　is：　　you　will　be　both　judge　and　party。　　I　am　sorry　thou　discoverest　so　much　of　thy　headstrong　humour　before　these　strange　gentlemen；　I　have　often　told　thee　it　would　prove　thy　ruin　some　time　or　other。　　Let　it　never　be　said　that　the　famous　John　Bull　has　departed　in　despite　of　Court。

JOHN　BULL。And　will　it　not　reflect　as　much　on　thy　character；　Nic。；　to　turn　barretter　in　thy　old　daysa　stirrer…up　of　quarrels　amongst　thy　neighbours？　　I　tell　thee；　Nic。；　some　time　or　other　thou　wilt　repent　this。

But　John　saw　clearly　he　should　have　nothing　but　wrangling；　and　that　he　should　have　as　little　success　in　settling　his　accounts　as　ending　the　composition。　　〃Since　they　will　needs　overload　my　shoulders；〃　quoth　John；　〃I　shall　throw　down　the　burden　with　a　squash　amongst　them；　take　it　up　who　dares。　　A　man　has　a　fine　time　of　it　amongst　a　combination　of　sharpers　that　vouch　for　one　another's　honesty。　　John；　look　to　thyself；　old　Lewis　makes　reasonable　offers。　　When　thou　hast　spent　the　small　pittance　that　is　left；　thou　wilt　make　a　glorious　figure　when　thou　art　brought　to　live　upon　Nic。　Frog　and　Esquire　South's　generosity　and　gratitude。　　If　they　use　thee　thus　when　they　want　thee；　what　will　they　do　when　thou　wantest　them？　　I　say　again；　John；　look　to　thyself。〃

John　wisely　stifled　his　resentments；　and　told　the　company　that　in　a　little　time　he　should　give　them　law；　or　something　better。

ALL。…Law！　law！　sir；　by　all　means。　　What　is　twenty…two　poor　years　towards　the　finishing　a　lawsuit？　　For　the　love　of　God；　more　law；　sir！

*　Clamours　for　continuing　the　war。

JOHN　BULL。Prepare　your　demands　how　many　years　more　of　law　you　want；　that　I　may　order　my　affairs　accordingly。　　In　the　meanwhile；　farewell。



CHAPTER　XVII。　　How　John　Bull　found　all　his　Family　in　an　Uproar　at　Home。*

Nic。　Frog；　who　thought　of　nothing　but　carrying　John　to　the　market；　and　there　disposing　of　him　as　his　own　proper　goods；　was　mad　to　find　that　John　thought　himself　now　of　age　to　look　after　his　own　affairs。　He　resolved　to　traverse　this　new　project；　and　to　make　him　uneasy　in　his　own　family。　　He　had　corrupted　or　deluded　most　of　his　servants　into　the　most　extravagant　conceits　in　the　world：　　that　their　master　was　run　mad；　and　wore　a　dagger　in　one　pocket　and　poison　in　the　other；　that　he　had　sold　his　wife　and　children　to　Lewis；　disinherited　his　heir；　and　was　going　to　settle　his　estate　upon　a　parish…boy；　that　if　they　did　not　look　after　their　master；　he　would　do　some　very　mischievous　thing。　　When　John　came　home；　he　found　a　more　surprising　scene　than　any　he　had　yet　met　with；　and　that　you　will　say　was　somewhat　extraordinary。

*　Clamours　about　the　danger　of　the　succession。

He　called　his　cook…maid　Betty　to　bespeak　his　dinner。　　Betty　told　him　〃That　she　begged　his　pardon；　she　could　not　dress　dinner　till　she　knew　what　he　intended　to　do　with　his　will。〃　　〃Why；　Betty；〃　quoth　John；　〃thou　art　not　run　mad；　art　thou？　　My　will　at　present　is　to　have　dinner。〃　　〃That　may　be；〃　quoth　Betty；　〃but　my　conscience　won't　allow　me　to　dress　it　till　I　know　whether　you　intend　to　do　righteous　things　by　your　heir。〃　　〃I　am　sorry　for　that；　Betty；〃　quoth　John；　〃I　must　find　somebody　else；　then。〃　　Then　he　called　John　the　barber。　〃Before　I　begin；〃　quoth　John；　〃I　hope　your　honour　won't　be　offended　if　I　ask　you　whether　you　intend　to　alter　your　will？　　If　you　won't　give　me　a　positive　answer　your　beard　may　grow　down　to　your　middle　for　me。〃　　〃'Igad；　so　it　shall；〃　quoth　Bull；　〃for　I　will　never　trust　my　throat　in　such　a　mad　fellow's　hands。　　Where's　Dick　the　butler？〃　〃Look　ye；〃　quoth　Dick；　〃I　am　very　willing　to　serve　you　in　my　calling；　d'you　see；　but　there　are　strange　reports；　and　plain…dealing　is　best；　d'ye　see。　　I　must　be　satisfied　if　you　intend　to　leave　all　to　your　nephew　and　if　Nic。　Frog　is　still　your　executor；　d'ye　see。　If　you　will　not　satisfy　me　as　to　these　points　you　may　drink　with　the　ducks。〃　　〃And　so　I　will；〃　quoth　John；　〃rather　than　keep　a　butler　that　loves　my　heir　better　than　myself。〃　　Hob　the　shoemaker；　and　Pricket　the　tailor；　told　him　they　would　most　willingly　serve　him　in　their　several　stations　if　he　would　promise　them　never　to　talk　with　Lewis　Baboon；　and　let　Nicholas　Frog；　linen…draper；　manage　his　concerns；　that　they　could　neither　make　shoes　nor　clothes　to　any　that　were　not　in　good　correspondence　with　their　worthy　friend　Nicholas。

JOHN　BULL。Call　Andrew；　my　journeyman。　　How　goes　affairs；　Andrew？　I　hope　the　devil　has　not　taken　possession　of　thy　body　too。

ANDREW。No；　sir；　I　only　desire　to　know　what　you　would　do　if　you　were　dead？

JOHN　BULL。Just　as　other　dead　folks　do；　Andrew。　　＇Aside。＇　　This　is　amazing！

ANDREW。I　mean　if　your　nephew　shall　inherit　your　estate。

JOHN　BULL。That　depends　upon　himself。　　I　shall　do　nothing　to　hinder　him。

ANDREW。But　will　you　make　it　sure？

JOHN　BULL。Thou　meanest　that　I　should　put　him　in　possession；　for　I　can　make　it　no　surer　without　that。　　He　has　all　the　law　can　give　him。

ANDREW。Indeed；　possession；　as　you　say；　would　make　it　much　surer。　They　say　it　is　eleven　points　of　the　law。

John　began　now　to　think　that　they　were　all　enchanted。　　He　inquired　about　the　age　of　the　moon；　if　Nic。　had　not　given　them　some　intoxicating　potion；　or　if　old　Mother　Jenisa　was　still　alive？　　〃No；　o'　my　faith；〃　quoth　Harry；　〃I　believe　there　is　no　potion　in　the　case　but　a　little　aurum　potabile。　　You　will　have　more　of　this　by…and…by。〃　He　had　scarce　spoken　the　word　when　another　friend　of　John's　accosted　him　after　the　following　manner：

〃Since　those　worthy　persons；　who　are　as　much　concerned　for　your　safety　as　I　am；　have　employed　me　as　their　orator；　I　desire　to　know　whether　you　will　have　it　by　way　of　syllogism；　enthymem；　dilemma；　or　sorites？〃

John　now　began　to　be　diverted　with　their　extravagance。

JOHN　BULL。Let's　have　a　sorites　by　all　means；　though　they　are　all　new　to　me。

FRIEND。It　is　evident　to　all　that　are　versed　in　history　that　there　were　two　sisters　that　played　false　two　thousand　years　ago。　Therefore　it　plainly　follows　tha