three men in a boat-第12章

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a　blameless；　beautiful　life；　and　have　silver　hair　when　I　got　old；　and　all　

that　sort　of　thing。



In　that　moment　I　forgave　all　my　friends　and　relations　for　their　

wickedness　and　cussedness；　and　I　blessed　them。　　They　did　not　know　that　I　

blessed　them。　　They　went　their　abandoned　way　all　unconscious　of　what　I；　

far　away　in　that　peaceful　village；　was　doing　for　them；　but　I　did　it；　and　

I　wished　that　I　could　let　them　know　that　I　had　done　it；　because　I　wanted　

to　make　them　happy。　　I　was　going　on　thinking　away　all　these　grand；　tender　

thoughts；　when　my　reverie　was　broken　in　upon　by　a　shrill　piping　voice　

crying　out：



〃All　right；　sur；　I'm　a…coming；　I'm　a…coming。　　It's　all　right；　sur；　don't　

you　be　in　a　hurry。〃



I　looked　up；　and　saw　an　old　bald…headed　man　hobbling　across　the　

churchyard　towards　me；　carrying　a　huge　bunch　of　keys　in　his　hand　that　

shook　and　jingled　at　every　step。



I　motioned　him　away　with　silent　dignity；　but　he　still　advanced；　

screeching　out　the　while：



〃I'm　a…coming；　sur；　I'm　a…coming。　　I'm　a　little　lame。　　I　ain't　as　spry　as　

I　used　to　be。　　This　way；　sur。〃



〃Go　away；　you　miserable　old　man；〃　I　said。



〃I've　come　as　soon　as　I　could；　sur；〃　he　replied。　　〃My　missis　never　see　

you　till　just　this　minute。　　You　follow　me；　sur。〃



〃Go　away；〃　I　repeated；　〃leave　me　before　I　get　over　the　wall；　and　slay　

you。〃



He　seemed　surprised。



〃Don't　you　want　to　see　the　tombs？〃　he　said。



〃No；〃　I　answered；　〃I　don't。　　I　want　to　stop　here；　leaning　up　against　this　

gritty　old　wall。　　Go　away；　and　don't　disturb　me。　　I　am　chock　full　of　

beautiful　and　noble　thoughts；　and　I　want　to　stop　like　it；　because　it　

feels　nice　and　good。　　Don't　you　come　fooling　about；　making　me　mad；　

chivying　away　all　my　better　feelings　with　this　silly　tombstone　nonsense　

of　yours。　　Go　away；　and　get　somebody　to　bury　you　cheap；　and　I'll　pay　half　

the　expense。〃



He　was　bewildered　for　a　moment。　　He　rubbed　his　eyes；　and　looked　hard　at　

me。　　I　seemed　human　enough　on　the　outside：　he　couldn't　make　it　out。



He　said：



〃Yuise　a　stranger　in　these　parts？　　You　don't　live　here？〃



〃No；〃　I　said；　〃I　don't。　　YOU　wouldn't　if　I　did。〃



〃Well　then；〃　he　said；　〃you　want　to　see　the　tombs　…　graves　…　folks　been　

buried；　you　know　　…　coffins！〃



〃You　are　an　untruther；〃　I　replied；　getting　roused；　〃I　do　not　want　to　see　

tombs　…　not　your　tombs。　　Why　should　I？　　We　have　graves　of　our　own；　our　

family　has。　　Why　my　uncle　Podger　has　a　tomb　in　Kensal　Green　Cemetery；　

that　is　the　pride　of　all　that　country…side；　and　my　grandfather's　vault　at　

Bow　is　capable　of　accommodating　eight　visitors；　while　my　great…aunt　Susan　

has　a　brick　grave　in　Finchley　Churchyard；　with　a　headstone　with　a　coffee…

pot　sort　of　thing　in　bas…relief　upon　it；　and　a　six…inch　best　white　stone　

coping　all　the　way　round；　that　cost　pounds。　　When　I　want　graves；　it　is　to　

those　places　that　I　go　and　revel。　　I　do　not　want　other　folk's。　　When　you　

yourself　are　buried；　I　will　come　and　see　yours。　　That　is　all　I　can　do　for　

you。〃



He　burst　into　tears。　　He　said　that　one　of　the　tombs　had　a　bit　of　stone　

upon　the　top　of　it　that　had　been　said　by　some　to　be　probably　part　of　the　

remains　of　the　figure　of　a　man；　and　that　another　had　some　words；　carved　

upon　it；　that　nobody　had　ever　been　able　to　decipher。



I　still　remained　obdurate；　and；　in　broken…hearted　tones；　he　said：



〃Well；　won't　you　come　and　see　the　memorial　window？〃



I　would　not　even　see　that；　so　he　fired　his　last　shot。　　He　drew　near；　and　

whispered　hoarsely：



〃I've　got　a　couple　of　skulls　down　in　the　crypt；〃　he　said；　〃come　and　see　

those。　　Oh；　do　come　and　see　the　skulls！　　You　are　a　young　man　out　for　a　

holiday；　and　you　want　to　enjoy　yourself。　　Come　and　see　the　skulls！〃



Then　I　turned　and　fled；　and　as　I　sped　I　heard　him　calling　to　me：



〃Oh；　come　and　see　the　skulls；　come　back　and　see　the　skulls！〃



Harris；　however；　revels　in　tombs；　and　graves；　and　epitaphs；　and　

monumental　inscriptions；　and　the　thought　of　not　seeing　Mrs。　Thomas's　

grave　made　him　crazy。　　He　said　he　had　looked　forward　to　seeing　Mrs。　

Thomas's　grave　from　the　first　moment　that　the　trip　was　proposed　…　said　he　

wouldn't　have　joined　if　it　hadn't　been　for　the　idea　of　seeing　Mrs。　

Thomas's　tomb。



I　reminded　him　of　George；　and　how　we　had　to　get　the　boat　up　to　Shepperton　

by　five　o'clock　to　meet　him；　and　then　he　went　for　George。　　Why　was　George　

to　fool　about　all　day；　and　leave　us　to　lug　this　lumbering　old　top…heavy　

barge　up　and　down　the　river　by　ourselves　to　meet　him？　　Why　couldn't　

George　come　and　do　some　work？　　Why　couldn't　he　have　got　the　day　off；　and　

come　down　with　us？　　Bank　be　blowed！　　What　good　was　he　at　the　bank？



〃I　never　see　him　doing　any　work　there；〃　continued　Harris；　〃whenever　I　go　

in。　　He　sits　behind　a　bit　of　glass　all　day；　trying　to　look　as　if　he　was　

doing　something。　　What's　the　good　of　a　man　behind　a　bit　of　glass？　　I　have　

to　work　for　my　living。　　Why　can't　he　work。　　What　use　is　he　there；　and　

what's　the　good　of　their　banks？　　They　take　your　money；　and　then；　when　you　

draw　a　cheque；　they　send　it　back　smeared　all　over　with　‘No　effects；'　

‘Refer　to　drawer。'　　What's　the　good　of　that？　　That's　the　sort　of　trick　

they　served　me　twice　last　week。　　I'm　not　going　to　stand　it　much　longer。　　

I　shall　withdraw　my　account。　　If　he　was　here；　we　could　go　and　see　that　

tomb。　　I　don't　believe　he's　at　the　bank　at　all。　　He's　larking　about　

somewhere；　that's　what　he's　doing；　leaving　us　to　do　all　the　work。　　I'm　

going　to　get　out；　and　have　a　drink。〃



I　pointed　out　to　him　that　we　were　miles　away　from　a　pub。；　and　then　he　

went　on　about　the　river；　and　what　was　the　good　of　the　river；　and　was　

everyone　who　came　on　the　river　to　die　of　thirst？



It　is　always　best　to　let　Harris　have　his　head　when　he　gets　like　this。　　

Then　he　pumps　himself　out；　and　is　quiet　afterwards。



I　reminded　him　that　there　was　concentrated　lemonade　in　the　hamper；　and　a　

gallon…jar　of　water　in　the　nose　of　the　boat；　and　that　the　two　only　wanted　

mixing　to　make　a　cool　and　refreshing　beverage。



Then　he　flew　off　about　lemonade；　and　〃such…like　Sunday…school　slops；〃　as　

he　termed　them；　ginger…beer；　raspberry　syrup；　&c。；　&c。　　He　said　they　all　

produced　dyspepsia；　and　ruined　body　and　soul　alike；　and　were　the　cause　of　

half　the　crime　in　England。



He　said　he　must　drink　something；　however；　and　climbed　upon　the　seat；　and　

leant　over　to　get　the　bottle。　　It　was　right　at　the　bottom　of　the　hamper；　

and　seemed　difficult　to　find；　and　he　had　to　lean　over　further　and　

further；　and；　in　trying　to　steer　at　the　same　time；　from　a　topsy…turvy　

point　of　view；　he　pulled　the　wrong　line；　and　sent　the　boat　into　the　bank；　

and　the　shock　upset　him；　and　he　dived　down　right　into　the　hamper；　and　

stood　there　on　his　head；　holding　on　to　the　sides　of　the　boat　like　grim　

death；　his　legs　sticking　up　into　the　air。　　He　dared　not　move　for　fear　of　

going　over；　and　had　to　stay　there　till　I　could　get　hold　of　his　legs；　and　

haul　him　back；　and　that　made　him　madder　than　ever。









CHAPTER　VIII。





BLACKMAILING。　…　THE　PROPER　COURSE　TO　PURSUE。　…　SELFISH　BOORISHNESS　OF　

RIVER…SIDE　LANDOWNER。　…　〃NOTICE〃　BOARDS。　…　UNCHRISTIANLIKE　FEELINGS　OF　

HARRIS。　…　HOW　HARRIS　SINGS　A　COMIC　SONG。　…　A　HIGH…CLASS　PARTY。　…　SHAMEFUL　

CONDUCT　OF　TWO　ABANDONED　YOUNG　MEN。　…　SOME　USELESS　INFORMATION。　…　GEORGE　

BUYS　A　BANJO。



WE　stopped　under　the　willows　by　Kempton　Park；　and　lunched。　　It　is　a　

pretty　little　spot　there：　a　pleasant　grass　plateau；　running　along　by　the　

water's　edge；　and　overhung　by　willows。　　We　had　just　commenced　the　third　

course　…　the　bread　and　jam　…　when　a　gentleman　in　shirt…sleeves　and　a　

short　pipe　came　along；　and　wanted　to　know　if　we　knew　that　we　were　

trespassing。　　We　said　we　hadn't　given　the　matter　sufficient　consideration　

as　yet　to　enable　us　to　arrive　at　a　definite　conclusion　on　that　point；　but　

that；　if　he　assured　us　on　his　word　as　a　gentleman　that　we　WERE　

trespassing；　we　would；　without　further　hesitation；　believe　it。



He　gave　us　the　required　assurance；　and　we　thanked　him；　but　he　still　hung　

about；　and　seemed　to　be　dissatisfied；　so　we　asked　him　if　there　was　

anything　further　that　we　could　do　for　him；　and　Harris；　who　is　of　a　chummy　

disposition；　offered　him　a　bit　of　bread　and　jam。



I　fancy　he　must　have　belonged　to　some　society　sworn　to　abstain　from　bread　

and　jam；　for　he　declined　it　quite　gruffly；　as　if　he　were　vexed　at　being　

tempted　with　it；　and　he　added　that　it　was　his　duty　to　turn　us　off。



Harris　said　that　if　it　was　a　duty　it　ought　to　be　done；　and　asked　the　man　

what　was　his　idea　with　regard　to　the　best　means　for　accomplishing　it。　　

Harris　is　what　you　would　call　a　well…made　man　of　about　number　one　size；　

and　looks　hard　and　bony；　and　the　man　measured　him　up　and　down；　and　said　

he　would　go　and　consult　his　master；　and　then　come　back　and　chuck　us　both　

into　the　river。



Of　course；　we　never　saw　him　any　more；　and；　of　course；　all　he　really　

wanted　was　a　shilling。　　There　are　a　certain　number　of　riverside　roughs　

who　make　quite　an　income；　during　the　summer；　by　slouching　about　the　banks　

and　blackmailing　weak…minded　noodles　in　this　way。　　They　represent　

themselves　as　sent　by　the　proprietor。　　The　proper　course　to　pursue　is　to　

offer　your　name　and　address；　and　leave　the　owner；　if　he　really　has　

anything　to　do　with　the　matter；　to　summon　you；　and　prove　what　damage　you　

have　done　to　his　land　by　sitting　down　on　a　bit　of　it。　　But　the　majority　

of　people　are　so　intensely　lazy　and　timid；　that　they　prefer　to　encourage　

the　imposition　by　giving　in　to　it　rather　than　put　an　end　to　it　by　the　

exertion　of　a　little　firmness。



Where　it　is　really　the　owners　that　are　to　blame；　they　ought　to　be　shown　

up。　　The　selfishness　of　the　riparian　proprietor　grows　with　every　year。　　

If　these　men　had　their　way　they　would　close　the　river　Thames　altogether。　　

They　actually　do　this　along　the　minor　tributary　streams　and　in　the　

backwaters。　　They　drive　posts　into　the　bed　of　the　stream；　and　draw　chains　

across　from　bank　to　bank；　and　nail　huge　notice…boards　on　every　tree。　　The　

sight　of　those　notice…boards　rouses　every　evil　instinct　in　my　nature。　　I　

feel　I　want　to　tear　each　one　down；　and　hammer　it　over　the　head　of　the　man　

who　put　it　up；　until　I　have　killed　him；　and　then　I　would　bury　him；　and　

put　the　board　up　over　the　grave　as　a　tombstone。



I　mentioned　these　feelings　of　mine　to　Harris；　and　he　said　he　had　them　

worse　than　that。　　He　said　he　not　only　felt　he　wanted　to　kill　the　man　who　

caused　the　board　to　be　put　up；　but　that　he　should　like　to　slaughter　the　

whole　of　his　family　and　all　his　friends　and　relations；　and　then　burn　down　

his　house。　　This　seemed　to　me　to　be　going　too　far；　and　I　said　so　to　

Harris；　but　he　answered：



〃Not　a　bit　of　it。　　Serve　‘em　all　jolly　well　right；　and　I'd　go　and　sing　

comic　songs　on　the　ruins。〃



I　was　vexed　to　hear　Harris　go　on　in　this　blood…thirsty　strain。　　We　never