three men in a boat-第1章

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Three　Men　in　a　Boat　

by　Jerome　K。　Jerome









THREE　MEN　IN　A　BOAT

（TO　SAY　NOTHING　OF　THE　DOG）。









Three　Men　in　a　Boat　by　Jerome　K。　Jerome











CHAPTER　I。





THREE　INVALIDS。　…　SUFFERINGS　OF　GEORGE　AND　HARRIS。　…　A　VICTIM　TO　ONE　

HUNDRED　AND　SEVEN　FATAL　MALADIES。　…　USEFUL　PRESCRIPTIONS。　…　CURE　FOR　

LIVER　COMPLAINT　IN　CHILDREN。　…　WE　AGREE　THAT　WE　ARE　OVERWORKED；　AND　NEED　

REST。　…　A　WEEK　ON　THE　ROLLING　DEEP？　…　GEORGE　SUGGESTS　THE　RIVER。　…　

MONTMORENCY　LODGES　AN　OBJECTION。　…　ORIGINAL　MOTION　CARRIED　BY　MAJORITY　OF　

THREE　TO　ONE。



THERE　were　four　of　us　…　George；　and　William　Samuel　Harris；　and　myself；　

and　Montmorency。　　We　were　sitting　in　my　room；　smoking；　and　talking　about　

how　bad　we　were　…　bad　from　a　medical　point　of　view　I　mean；　of　course。



We　were　all　feeling　seedy；　and　we　were　getting　quite　nervous　about　it。　　

Harris　said　he　felt　such　extraordinary　fits　of　giddiness　come　over　him　at　

times；　that　he　hardly　knew　what　he　was　doing；　and　then　George　said　that　

HE　had　fits　of　giddiness　too；　and　hardly　knew　what　HE　was　doing。　　With　

me；　it　was　my　liver　that　was　out　of　order。　　I　knew　it　was　my　liver　that　

was　out　of　order；　because　I　had　just　been　reading　a　patent　liver…pill　

circular；　in　which　were　detailed　the　various　symptoms　by　which　a　man　

could　tell　when　his　liver　was　out　of　order。　　I　had　them　all。



It　is　a　most　extraordinary　thing；　but　I　never　read　a　patent　medicine　

advertisement　without　being　impelled　to　the　conclusion　that　I　am　

suffering　from　the　particular　disease　therein　dealt　with　in　its　most　

virulent　form。　　The　diagnosis　seems　in　every　case　to　correspond　exactly　

with　all　the　sensations　that　I　have　ever　felt。



I　remember　going　to　the　British　Museum　one　day　to　read　up　the　treatment　

for　some　slight　ailment　of　which　I　had　a　touch　…　hay　fever；　I　fancy　it　

was。　　I　got　down　the　book；　and　read　all　I　came　to　read；　and　then；　in　an　

unthinking　moment；　I　idly　turned　the　leaves；　and　began　to　indolently　

study　diseases；　generally。　　I　forget　which　was　the　first　distemper　I　

plunged　into　…　some　fearful；　devastating　scourge；　I　know　…　and；　before　I　

had　glanced　half　down　the　list　of　〃premonitory　symptoms；〃　it　was　borne　in　

upon　me　that　I　had　fairly　got　it。



I　sat　for　awhile；　frozen　with　horror；　and　then；　in　the　listlessness　of　

despair；　I　again　turned　over　the　pages。　　I　came　to　typhoid　fever　…　read　

the　symptoms　…　discovered　that　I　had　typhoid　fever；　must　have　had　it　for　

months　without　knowing　it　…　wondered　what　else　I　had　got；　turned　up　St。　

Vitus's　Dance　…　found；　as　I　expected；　that　I　had　that　too；　…　began　to　get　

interested　in　my　case；　and　determined　to　sift　it　to　the　bottom；　and　so　

started　alphabetically　…　read　up　ague；　and　learnt　that　I　was　sickening　

for　it；　and　that　the　acute　stage　would　commence　in　about　another　

fortnight。　　Bright's　disease；　I　was　relieved　to　find；　I　had　only　in　a　

modified　form；　and；　so　far　as　that　was　concerned；　I　might　live　for　years。　　

Cholera　I　had；　with　severe　complications；　and　diphtheria　I　seemed　to　have　

been　born　with。　　I　plodded　conscientiously　through　the　twenty…six　

letters；　and　the　only　malady　I　could　conclude　I　had　not　got　was　

housemaid's　knee。



I　felt　rather　hurt　about　this　at　first；　it　seemed　somehow　to　be　a　sort　of　

slight。　　Why　hadn't　I　got　housemaid's　knee？　　Why　this　invidious　

reservation？　After　a　while；　however；　less　grasping　feelings　prevailed。　　I　

reflected　that　I　had　every　other　known　malady　in　the　pharmacology；　and　I　

grew　less　selfish；　and　determined　to　do　without　housemaid's　knee。　　Gout；　

in　its　most　malignant　stage；　it　would　appear；　had　seized　me　without　my　

being　aware　of　it；　and　zymosis　I　had　evidently　been　suffering　with　from　

boyhood。　　There　were　no　more　diseases　after　zymosis；　so　I　concluded　there　

was　nothing　else　the　matter　with　me。



I　sat　and　pondered。　　I　thought　what　an　interesting　case　I　must　be　from　a　

medical　point　of　view；　what　an　acquisition　I　should　be　to　a　class！　　

Students　would　have　no　need　to　〃walk　the　hospitals；〃　if　they　had　me。　　I　

was　a　hospital　in　myself。　　All　they　need　do　would　be　to　walk　round　me；　

and；　after　that；　take　their　diploma。



Then　I　wondered　how　long　I　had　to　live。　　I　tried　to　examine　myself。　　I　

felt　my　pulse。　　I　could　not　at　first　feel　any　pulse　at　all。　　Then；　all　of　

a　sudden；　it　seemed　to　start　off。　　I　pulled　out　my　watch　and　timed　it。　　I　

made　it　a　hundred　and　forty…seven　to　the　minute。　　I　tried　to　feel　my　

heart。　　I　could　not　feel　my　heart。　　It　had　stopped　beating。　　I　have　since　

been　induced　to　come　to　the　opinion　that　it　must　have　been　there　all　the　

time；　and　must　have　been　beating；　but　I　cannot　account　for　it。　　I　patted　

myself　all　over　my　front；　from　what　I　call　my　waist　up　to　my　head；　and　I　

went　a　bit　round　each　side；　and　a　little　way　up　the　back。　　But　I　could　

not　feel　or　hear　anything。　　I　tried　to　look　at　my　tongue。　　I　stuck　it　out　

as　far　as　ever　it　would　go；　and　I　shut　one　eye；　and　tried　to　examine　it　

with　the　other。　　I　could　only　see　the　tip；　and　the　only　thing　that　I　

could　gain　from　that　was　to　feel　more　certain　than　before　that　I　had　

scarlet　fever。



I　had　walked　into　that　reading…room　a　happy；　healthy　man。　　I　crawled　out　

a　decrepit　wreck。



I　went　to　my　medical　man。　　He　is　an　old　chum　of　mine；　and　feels　my　pulse；　

and　looks　at　my　tongue；　and　talks　about　the　weather；　all　for　nothing；　

when　I　fancy　I'm　ill；　so　I　thought　I　would　do　him　a　good　turn　by　going　to　

him　now。　　〃What　a　doctor　wants；〃　I　said；　〃is　practice。　　He　shall　have　me。　　

He　will　get　more　practice　out　of　me　than　out　of　seventeen　hundred　of　your　

ordinary；　commonplace　patients；　with　only　one　or　two　diseases　each。〃　　So　

I　went　straight　up　and　saw　him；　and　he　said：



〃Well；　what's　the　matter　with　you？〃



I　said：



〃I　will　not　take　up　your　time；　dear　boy；　with　telling　you　what　is　the　

matter　with　me。　　Life　is　brief；　and　you　might　pass　away　before　I　had　

finished。　　But　I　will　tell　you　what　is　NOT　the　matter　with　me。　　I　have　

not　got　housemaid's　knee。　　Why　I　have　not　got　housemaid's　knee；　I　cannot　

tell　you；　but　the　fact　remains　that　I　have　not　got　it。　　Everything　else；　

however；　I　HAVE　got。〃



And　I　told　him　how　I　came　to　discover　it　all。



Then　he　opened　me　and　looked　down　me；　and　clutched　hold　of　my　wrist；　and　

then　he　hit　me　over　the　chest　when　I　wasn't　expecting　it　…　a　cowardly　

thing　to　do；　I　call　it　…　and　immediately　afterwards　butted　me　with　the　

side　of　his　head。　　After　that；　he　sat　down　and　wrote　out　a　prescription；　

and　folded　it　up　and　gave　it　me；　and　I　put　it　in　my　pocket　and　went　out。



I　did　not　open　it。　　I　took　it　to　the　nearest　chemist's；　and　handed　it　in。　　

The　man　read　it；　and　then　handed　it　back。



He　said　he　didn't　keep　it。



I　said：



〃You　are　a　chemist？〃



He　said：



〃I　am　a　chemist。　　If　I　was　a　co…operative　stores　and　family　hotel　

combined；　I　might　be　able　to　oblige　you。　　Being　only　a　chemist　hampers　

me。〃



I　read　the　prescription。　　It　ran：





〃1　lb。　beefsteak；　with

　1　pt。　bitter　beer

every　6　hours。

1　ten…mile　walk　every　morning。

1　bed　at　11　sharp　every　night。

And　don't　stuff　up　your　head　with　things　you　don't　understand。〃





I　followed　the　directions；　with　the　happy　result　…　speaking　for　myself　…　

that　my　life　was　preserved；　and　is　still　going　on。



In　the　present　instance；　going　back　to　the　liver…pill　circular；　I　had　the　

symptoms；　beyond　all　mistake；　the　chief　among　them　being　〃a　general　

disinclination　to　work　of　any　kind。〃



What　I　suffer　in　that　way　no　tongue　can　tell。　　From　my　earliest　infancy　I　

have　been　a　martyr　to　it。　　As　a　boy；　the　disease　hardly　ever　left　me　for　

a　day。　　They　did　not　know；　then；　that　it　was　my　liver。　　Medical　science　

was　in　a　far　less　advanced　state　than　now；　and　they　used　to　put　it　down　

to　laziness。



〃Why；　you　skulking　little　devil；　you；〃　they　would　say；　〃get　up　and　do　

something　for　your　living；　can't　you？〃　…　not　knowing；　of　course；　that　I　

was　ill。



And　they　didn't　give　me　pills；　they　gave　me　clumps　on　the　side　of　the　

head。　　And；　strange　as　it　may　appear；　those　clumps　on　the　head　often　

cured　me　…　for　the　time　being。　　I　have　known　one　clump　on　the　head　have　

more　effect　upon　my　liver；　and　make　me　feel　more　anxious　to　go　straight　

away　then　and　there；　and　do　what　was　wanted　to　be　done；　without　further　

loss　of　time；　than　a　whole　box　of　pills　does　now。



You　know；　it　often　is　so　…　those　simple；　old…fashioned　remedies　are　

sometimes　more　efficacious　than　all　the　dispensary　stuff。



We　sat　there　for　half…an…hour；　describing　to　each　other　our　maladies。　　I　

explained　to　George　and　William　Harris　how　I　felt　when　I　got　up　in　the　

morning；　and　William　Harris　told　us　how　he　felt　when　he　went　to　bed；　and　

George　stood　on　the　hearth…rug；　and　gave　us　a　clever　and　powerful　piece　

of　acting；　illustrative　of　how　he　felt　in　the　night。



George　FANCIES　he　is　ill；　but　there's　never　anything　really　the　matter　

with　him；　you　know。



At　this　point；　Mrs。　Poppets　knocked　at　the　door　to　know　if　we　were　ready　

for　supper。　　We　smiled　sadly　at　one　another；　and　said　we　supposed　we　had　

better　try　to　swallow　a　bit。　　Harris　said　a　little　something　in　one's　

stomach　often　kept　the　disease　in　check；　and　Mrs。　Poppets　brought　the　


tray　in；　and　we　drew　up　to　the　table；　and　toyed　with　a　little　steak　and　

onions；　and　some　rhubarb　tart。



I　must　have　been　very　weak　at　the　time；　because　I　know；　after　the　first　

half…hour　or　so；　I　seemed　to　take　no　interest　whatever　in　my　food　…　an　

unusual　thing　for　me　…　and　I　didn't　want　any　cheese。



This　duty　done；　we　refilled　our　glasses；　lit　our　pipes；　and　resumed　the　

discussion　upon　our　state　of　health。　　What　it　was　that　was　actually　the　

matter　with　us；　we　none　of　us　could　be　sure　of；　but　the　unanimous　opinion　

was　that　it　…　whatever　it　was　…　had　been　brought　on　by　overwork。



〃What　we　want　is　rest；〃　said　Harris。



〃Rest　and　a　complete　change；〃　said　George。　　〃The　overstrain　upon　our　

brains　has　produced　a　general　depression　throughout　the　system。　　Change　

of　scene；　and　absence　of　the　necessity　for　thought；　will　restore　the　

mental　equilibrium。〃



George　has　a　cousin；　who　is　usually　described　in　the　charge…sheet　as　a　

medical　student；　so　that　he　naturally　has　a　somewhat　family…physicianary　

way　of　putting　things。



I　agreed　with　George；　and　suggested　that　we　should　seek　out　some　retired　

and　old…world　spot；　far　from　the　madding　crowd；　and　dream　away　a　sunny　

week　among　its　drowsy　lanes　…　some　half…forgotten　nook；　hidden　away　by　

the　fairies；　out　of　reach　of　the　noisy　world　…　some　quaint…perched　eyrie　

on　the　cliffs　of　Time；　from　whence　the　surging　waves　of　the　nineteenth　

century　would　sound　far…off　and　faint。



Harris　said　he　thought　it　would　be　humpy。　　He　said　he　knew　the　sort　of　

place　I　meant；　where　everybody　went　to　bed　at　eight　o'clock；　and　you　

couldn't　get　a　RE