sketches new and old-第33章

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pan　begin　to　tremble；　an'　all　of　a　sudden　I　knowed！　　De　pan　drop'　on　de
flo'　an'　I　grab　his　lef'　han'　an'　shove　back　his　sleevejist　so；　as　I's
doin'　to　youan'　den　I　goes　for　his　forehead　an'　push　de　hair　back　so；
an'　'Boy！'　I　says；　'if　you　an't　my　Henry；　what　is　you　doin'　wid　dis　welt
on　yo'　wris'　an'　dat　sk…yar　on　yo'　forehead？　　De　Lord　God　ob　heaven　be
praise'；　I　got　my　own　ag'in！'

　　　　　〃Oh　no'　Misto　C…；　I　hain't　had　no　trouble。　　An'　no　joy！〃






THE　SIAMESE　TWINS　＇Written　about　1868。＇

I　do　not　wish　to　write　of　the　personal　habits　of　these　strange　creatures
solely；　but　also　of　certain　curious　details　of　various　kinds　concerning
them；　which；　belonging　only　to　their　private　life；　have　never　crept　into
print。　　Knowing　the　Twins　intimately；　I　feel　that　I　am　peculiarly　well
qualified　for　the　task　I　have　taken　upon　myself。

The　Siamese　Twins　are　naturally　tender　and　affectionate　indisposition；
and　have　clung　to　each　other　with　singular　fidelity　throughout　a　long　and
eventful　life。　　Even　as　children　they　were　inseparable　companions；　and　it
was　noticed　that　they　always　seemed　to　prefer　each　other's　society　to
that　of　any　other　persons。　　They　nearly　always　played　together；　and；　so
accustomed　was　their　mother　to　this　peculiarity；　that；　whenever　both　of
them　chanced　to　be　lost；　she　usually　only　hunted　for　one　of　them
satisfied　that　when　she　found　that　one　she　would　find　his　brother
somewhere　in　the　immediate　neighborhood。　　And　yet　these　creatures　were
ignorant　and　unlettered…barbarians　themselves　and　the　offspring　of
barbarians；　who　knew　not　the　light　of　philosophy　and　science。　　What　a
withering　rebuke　is　this　to　our　boasted　civilization；　with　its
quarrelings；　its　wranglings；　and　its　separations　of　brothers！

As　men；　the　Twins　have　not　always　lived　in　perfect　accord；　but　still
there　has　always　been　a　bond　between　them　which　made　them　unwilling　to　go
away　from　each　other　and　dwell　apart。　　They　have　even　occupied　the　same
house；　as　a　general　thing；　and　it　is　believed　that　they　have　never　failed
to　even　sleep　together　on　any　night　since　they　were　born。　　How　surely　do
the　habits　of　a　lifetime　become　second　nature　to　us！　　The　Twins　always　go
to　bed　at　the　same　time；　but　Chang　usually　gets　up　about　an　hour　before
his　brother。　　By　an　understanding　between　themselves；　Chang　does　all　the
indoor　work　and　Eng　runs　all　the　errands。　　This　is　because　Eng　likes　to
go　out；　Chang's　habits　are　sedentary。　　However；　Chang　always　goes　along。
Eng　is　a　Baptist；　but　Chang　is　a　Roman　Catholic；　still；　to　please　his
brother；　Chang　consented　to　be　baptized　at　the　same　time　that　Eng　was；　on
condition　that　it　should　not　〃count。〃　　During　the　war　they　were　strong
partisans；　and　both　fought　gallantly　all　through　the　great　struggleEng
on　the　Union　side　and　Chang　on　the　Confederate。　　They　took　each　other
prisoners　at　Seven　Oaks；　but　the　proofs　of　capture　were　so　evenly
balanced　in　favor　of　each；　that　a　general　army　court　had　to　be　assembled
to　determine　which　one　was　properly　the　captor　and　which　the　captive。
The　jury　was　unable　to　agree　for　a　long　time；　but　the　vexed　question　was
finally　decided　by　agreeing　to　consider　them　both　prisoners；　and　then
exchanging　them。　　At　one　time　Chang　was　convicted　of　disobedience　of
orders；　and　sentenced　to　ten　days　in　the　guard…house；　but　Eng；　in　spite
of　all　arguments；　felt　obliged　to　share　his　imprisonment；　notwithstanding
he　himself　was　entirely　innocent；　and　so；　to　save　the　blameless　brother
from　suffering；　they　had　to　discharge　both　from　custodythe　just　reward
of　faithfulness。

Upon　one　occasion　the　brothers　fell　out　about　something；　and　Chang
knocked　Eng　down；　and　then　tripped　and　fell　on　him；　whereupon　both
clinched　and　began　to　beat　and　gouge　each　other　without　mercy。　　The
bystanders　interfered；　and　tried　to　separate　them；　but　they　could　not　do
it；　and　so　allowed　them　to　fight　it　out。　　In　the　end　both　were　disabled；
and　were　carried　to　the　hospital　on　one　and　the　same　shutter。

Their　ancient　habit　of　going　always　together　had　its　drawbacks　when　they
reached　man's　estate；　and　entered　upon　the　luxury　of　courting。　　Both　fell
in　love　with　the　same　girl。　　Each　tried　to　steal　clandestine　interviews
with　her；　but　at　the　critical　moment　the　other　would　always　turn　up。
By　and　by　Eng　saw；　with　distraction；　that　Chang　had　won　the　girl's
affections；　and；　from　that　day　forth；　he　had　to　bear　with　the　agony　of
being　a　witness　to　all　their　dainty　billing　and　cooing。　　But　with　a
magnanimity　that　did　him　infinite　credit；　he　succumbed　to　his　fate；　and
gave　countenance　and　encouragement　to　a　state　of　things　that　bade　fair　to
sunder　his　generous　heart…strings。　　He　sat　from　seven　every　evening　until
two　in　the　morning；　listening　to　the　fond　foolishness　of　the　two　lovers；
and　to　the　concussion　of　hundreds　of　squandered　kissesfor　the　privilege
of　sharing　only　one　of　which　he　would　have　given　his　right　hand。　　But　he
sat　patiently；　and　waited；　and　gaped；　and　yawned；　and　stretched；　and
longed　for　two　o'clock　to　come。　　And　he　took　long　walks　with　the　lovers
on　moonlight　eveningssometimes　traversing　ten　miles；　notwithstanding　he
was　usually　suffering　from　rheumatism。　　He　is　an　inveterate　smoker；　but
he　could　not　smoke　on　these　occasions；　because　the　young　lady　was
painfully　sensitive　to　the　smell　of　tobacco。　　Eng　cordially　wanted　them
married；　and　done　with　it；　but　although　Chang　often　asked　the　momentous
question；　the　young　lady　could　not　gather　sufficient　courage　to　answer　it
while　Eng　was　by。　　However；　on　one　occasion；　after　having　walked　some
sixteen　miles；　and　sat　up　till　nearly　daylight；　Eng　dropped　asleep；　from
sheer　exhaustion；　and　then　the　question　was　asked　and　answered。　　The
lovers　were　married。　　All　acquainted　with　the　circumstance　applauded　the
noble　brother…in…law。　　His　unwavering　faithfulness　was　the　theme　of　every
tongue。　　He　had　stayed　by　them　all　through　their　long　and　arduous
courtship；　and　when　at　last　they　were　married；　he　lifted　his　hands　above
their　heads；　and　said　with　impressive　unction；　〃Bless　ye；　my　children；　I
will　never　desert　ye！〃　and　he　kept　his　word。　　Fidelity　like　this　is　all
too　rare　in　this　cold　world。

By　and　by　Eng　fell　in　love　with　his　sister…in…law's　sister；　and　married
her；　and　since　that　day　they　have　all　lived　together；　night　and　day；　in
an　exceeding　sociability　which　is　touching　and　beautiful　to　behold；　and
is　a　scathing　rebuke　to　our　boasted　civilization。

The　sympathy　existing　between　these　two　brothers　is　so　close　and　so
refined　that　the　feelings；　the　impulses；　the　emotions　of　the　one　are
instantly　experienced　by　the　other。　　When　one　is　sick；　the　other　is　sick；
when　one　feels　pain；　the　other　feels　it；　when　one　is　angered；　the　other's
temper　takes　fire。　　We　have　already　seen　with　what　happy　facility　they
both　fell　in　love　with　the　same　girl。　　Now　Chang　is　bitterly　opposed　to
all　forms　of　intemperance；　on　principle；　but　Eng　is　the　reversefor；
while　these　men's　feelings　and　emotions　are　so　closely　wedded；　their
reasoning　faculties　are　unfettered；　their　thoughts　are　free。　　Chang
belongs　to　the　Good　Templars；　and　is　a　hardworking；　enthusiastic
supporter　of　all　temperance　reforms。　　But；　to　his　bitter　distress；　every
now　and　then　Eng　gets　drunk；　and；　of　course；　that　makes　Chang　drunk　too。
This　unfortunate　thing　has　been　a　great　sorrow　to　Chang；　for　it　almost
destroys　his　usefulness　in　his　favorite　field　of　effort。　　As　sure　as　he
is　to　head　a　great　temperance　procession　Eng　ranges　up　alongside　of　him；
prompt　to　the　minute；　and　drunk　as　a　lord；　but　yet　no　more　dismally　and
hopelessly　drunk　than　his　brother；　who　has　not　tasted　a　drop。　　And　so　the
two　begin　to　hoot　and　yell；　and　throw　mud　and　bricks　at　the　Good
Templars；　and；　of　course；　they　break　up　the　procession。　　It　would　be
manifestly　wrong　to　punish　Chang　for　what　Eng　does；　and；　therefore；　the
Good　Templars　accept　the　untoward　situation；　and　suffer　in　silence　and
sorrow。　　They　have　officially　and　deliberately　examined　into　the　matter；
and　find　Chang　blameless。　　They　have　taken　the　two　brothers　and　filled
Chang　full　of　warm　water　and　sugar　and　Eng　full　of　whisky；　and　in　twenty…
five　minutes　it　was　not　possible　to　tell　which　was　the　drunkest。　　Both
were　as　drunk　as　loonsand　on　hot　whisky　punches；　by　the　smell　of　their
breath。　　Yet　all　the　while　Chang's　moral　principles　were　unsullied；　his
conscience　clear；　and　so　all　just　men　were　forced　to　confess　that　he　was
not　morally；　but　only　physically；　drunk。　　By　every　right　and　by　every
moral　evidence　the　man　was　strictly　sober；　and；　therefore；　it　caused　his
friends　all　the　more　anguish　to　see　him　shake　hands　with　the　pump　and　try
to　wind　his　watch　with　his　night…key。

There　is　a　moral　in　these　solemn　warningsor；　at　least；　a　warning　in
these　solemn　morals；　one　or　the　other。　　No　matter；　it　is　somehow。　　Let　us
heed　it；　let　us　profit　by　it。

I　could　say　more　of　an　instructive　nature　about　these　interesting　beings；
but　let　what　I　have　written　suffice。

Having　forgotten　to　mention　it　sooner；　I　will　remark　in　conclusion　that
the　ages　of　the　Siamese　Twins　are　respectively　fifty…one　and　fifty…three
years。






SPEECH　AT　THE　SCOTTISH　BANQUET　IN　LONDON　＇Written　about　1872。＇

On　the　anniversary　festival　of　the　Scottish　Corporation　of　London　on
Monday　evening；　in　response　to　the　toast　of　〃The　Ladies；〃　MARK　TWAIN
replied。　　The　following　is　his　speech　as　reported　in　the　London　Observer：

I　am　proud；　indeed；　of　the　distinction　of　being　chosen　to　respond　to　this
especial　toast；　to　'The　Ladies；'　or　to　women　if　you　please；　for　that　is
the　preferable　term；　perhaps；　it　is　certainly　the　older；　and　therefore
the　more　entitled　to　reverence　＇Laughter。＇　　I　have　noticed　that　the
Bible；　with　that　plain；　blunt　honesty　which　is　such　a　conspicuous
characteristic　of　the　Scriptures；　is　always　particular　to　never　refer　to
even　the　illustrious　mother　of　all　mankind　herself　as　a　'lady；'　but
speaks　of　her　as　a　woman；　＇Laughter。＇　　It　is　odd；　but　you　will　find　it　is
so。　　I　am　peculiarly　proud　of　this　honor；　because　I　think　that　the　toast
to　women　is　one　which；　by　right　and　by　every　rule　of　gallantry；　should
take　precedence　of　all　othersof　the　army；　of　the　navy；　of　even　royalty
itself　perhaps；　though　the　latter　is　not　necessary　in　this　day　and　in
this　land；　for　the　reason　that；　tacitly；　you　do　drink　a　broad　general
health　to　all　good　women　when　you　drink　the　health　of　the　Queen　of
England　and　the　Princess　of　Wales。　　＇Loud　cheers。＇　　I　have　in　mind　a　poem
just　now　which　is　familiar　to　you　all；　familiar　to　everybody。　　And　what
an　inspiration　that　was　（and　how　instantly　the　present　toast　recalls　the
verses　to　all　our　minds）　when　the　most　noble；　the　most　gracious；　the
purest；　and　sweetest　of　all　poets　says：

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　〃Woman！　　O　woman！er
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Wom〃

＇Laughter。＇　　However；　you　remember　the　lines；　and　you　remember　how
feelingly；　how　daintily；　how　almost　imperceptibly　the　verses　raise　up
before　you；　feature　by　feature；　the　ideal　of　a　true　and　perfect　woman；
and　how；　as　you　contemplate　the　finished　marvel；　your　homage　grows　into
worship　of　the　intellect　that　could　create　so　fair　a　thing　out　of　mere
breath；　mere　words。　　And　you　call　to　mind　now；　as　I　speak；　how　the　poe