my discovery of england-第12章

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Any　American　reader　who　studies　the　English　Press　comes　upon　these　wasted　opportunities　every　day。　There　are　indeed　certain　journals　of　a　newer　type　which　are　doing　their　best　to　imitate　us。　But　they　don't　really　get　it　yet。　They　use　type　up　to　about　one　inch　and　after　that　they　get　afraid。

I　hope　that　in　describing　the　spirit　of　the　English　Press　I　do　not　seem　to　be　writing　with　any　personal　bitterness。　I　admit　that　there　might　be　a　certain　reason　for　such　a　bias。　During　my　stay　in　England　I　was　most　anxious　to　appear　as　a　contributor　to　some　of　the　leading　papers。　This　is；　with　the　English；　a　thing　that　always　adds　prestige。　To　be　able　to　call　oneself　a　〃contributor〃　to　the　Times　or　to　Punch　or　the　Morning　Post　or　the　Spectator；　is　a　high　honour。　I　have　met　these　〃contributors〃　all　over　the　British　Empire。　Some；　I　admit；　look　strange。　An　ancient　wreck　in　the　back　bar　of　an　Ontario　tavern　（ancient　regime）　has　told　me　that　he　was　a　contributor　to　the　Times：　the　janitor　of　the　building　where　I　lived　admits　that　he　is　a　contributor　to　Punch：　a　man　arrested　in　Bristol　for　vagrancy　while　I　was　in　England　pleaded　that　he　was　a　contributor　to　the　Spectator。　In　fact；　it　is　an　honour　that　everybody　seems　to　be　able　to　get　but　me。

I　had　often　tried　before　I　went　to　England　to　contribute　to　the　great　English　newspapers。　I　had　never　succeeded。　But　I　hoped　that　while　in　England　itself　the　very　propinquity　of　the　atmosphere；　I　mean　the　very　contiguity　of　the　surroundings；　would　render　the　attempt　easier。　I　tried　and　I　failed。　My　failure　was　all　the　more　ignominious　in　that　I　had　very　direct　personal　encouragement。　〃By　all　means；〃　said　the　editor　of　the　London　Times；　〃do　some　thing　for　us　while　you　are　here。　Best　of　all；　do　something　in　a　political　way；　that's　rather　our　special　line。〃　I　had　already　received　almost　an　identical　encouragement　from　the　London　Morning　Post；　and　in　a　more　qualified　way　from　the　Manchester　Guardian。　In　short；　success　seemed　easy。

I　decided　therefore　to　take　some　simple　political　event　of　the　peculiar　kind　that　always　makes　a　stir　in　English　politics　and　write　it　up　for　these　English　papers。　To　simplify　matters　I　thought　it　better　to　use　one　and　the　same　incident　and　write　it　up　in　three　different　ways　and　get　paid　for　it　three；　times。　All　of　those　who　write　for　the　Press　will　understand　the　motive　at　once。　I　waited　therefore　and　watched　the　papers　to　see　if　anything　interesting　might　happen　to　the　Ahkoond　of　Swat　or　the　Sandjak　of　Novi　Bazar　or　any　other　native　potentate。　Within　a　couple　of　days　I　got　what　I　wanted　in　the　following　item；　which　I　need　hardly　say　is　taken　word　for　word　from　the　Press　despatches：

〃Perim；　via　Bombay。　News　comes　by　messenger　that　the　Shriek　of　Kowfat　who　has　been　living　under　the　convention　of　1898　has　violated　the　modus　operandi。　He　is　said　to　have　torn　off　his　suspenders；　dipped　himself　in　oil　and　proclaimed　a　Jehad。　The　situation　is　critical。〃

Everybody　who　knows　England　knows　that　this　is　just　the　kind　of　news　that　the　English　love。　On　our　side　of　the　Atlantic　we　should　be　bothered　by　the　fact　that　we　did　not　know　where　Kowfat　is；　nor　what　was　the　convention　of　1898。　They　are　not。　They　just　take　it　for　granted　that　Kowfat　is　one　of　the　many　thousand　places　that　they　〃own；〃　somewhere　in　the　outer　darkness。　They　have　so　many　Kowfats　that　they　cannot　keep　track　of　them。

I　knew　therefore　that　everybody　would　be　interested　in　any　discussion　of　what　was　at　once　called　〃the　Kowfat　Crisis〃　and　I　wrote　it　up。　　I　resisted　the　temptation　to　begin　after　the　American　fashion；　〃Shriek　sheds　suspenders；〃　and　suited　the　writing；　as　I　thought；　to　the　market　I　was　writing　for。　I　wrote　up　the　incident　for　the　Morning　Post　after　the　following　fashion：

〃The　news　from　Kowfat　affords　one　more　instance　of　a　painful　back…down　on　the　part　of　the　Government。　Our　policy　of　spineless　supineness　is　now　reaping　its　inevitable　reward。　To　us　there　is　only　one　thing　to　be　done。　If　the　Shriek　has　torn　off　his　suspenders　he　must　be　made　to　put　them　on　again。　We　have　always　held　that　where　the　imperial　prestige　of　this　country　is　concerned　there　is　no　room　for　hesitation。　In　the　present　instance　our　prestige　is　at　stake：　the　matter　involves　our　reputation　in　the　eyes　of　the　surrounding　natives；　the　Bantu　Hottentots；　the　Negritos；　the　Dwarf　Men　of　East　Abyssinia；　and　the　Dog　Men　of　Darfur。　What　will　they　think　of　us？　If　we　fail　in　this　crisis　their　notion　of　us　will　fall　fifty　per　cent。　In　our　opinion　this　country　cannot　stand　a　fifty　per　cent　drop　in　the　estimation　of　the　Dog　Men。　The　time　is　one　that　demands　action。　An　ultimatum　should　be　sent　at　once　to　the　Shriek　of　Kowfat。　If　he　has　one　already　we　should　send　him　another。　He　should　be　made　at　once　to　put　on　his　suspenders。　The　oil　must　be　scraped　off　him；　and　he　must　be　told　plainly　that　if　a　pup　like　him　tries　to　start　a　Jehad　he　will　have　to　deal　with　the　British　Navy。　We　call　the　Shriek　a　pup　in　no　sense　of　belittling　him　as　our　imperial　ally　but　because　we　consider　that　the　present　is　no　time　for　half　words　and　we　do　not　regard　pup　as　half　a　word。　Events　such　as　the　present；　rocking　the　Empire　to　its　base；　make　one　long　for　the　spacious　days　of　a　Salisbury　or　a　Queen　Elizabeth；　or　an　Alfred　the　Great　or　a　Julius　Caesar。　We　doubt　whether　the　present　Cabinet　is　in　this　class。〃

Not　to　lose　any　time　in　the　coming　and　going　of　the　mail；　always　a　serious　thought　for　the　contributor　to　the　Press　waiting　for　a　cheque；　I　sent　another　editorial　on　the　same　topic　to　the　Manchester　Guardian。　It　ran　as　follows：

〃The　action　of　the　Shriek　of　Kowfat　in　proclaiming　a　Jehad　against　us　is　one　that　amply　justifies　all　that　we　have　said　editorially　since　Jeremy　Bentham　died。　We　have　always　held　that　the　only　way　to　deal　with　a　Mohammedan　potentate　like　the　Shriek　is　to　treat　him　like　a　Christian。　The　Khalifate　of　Kowfat　at　present　buys　its　whole　supply　of　cotton　piece　goods　in　our　market　and　pays　cash。　The　Shriek；　who　is　a　man　of　enlightenment；　has　consistently　upheld　the　principles　of　Free　Trade。　Not　only　are　our　exports　of　cotton　piece　goods；　bibles；　rum；　and　beads　constantly　increasing；　but　they　are　more　than　offset　by　our　importation　from　Kowfat　of　ivory；　rubber；　gold；　and　oil。　In　short；　we　have　never　seen　the　principles　of　Free　Trade　better　illustrated。　The　Shriek；　it　is　now　reported；　refuses　to　wear　the　braces　presented　to　him　by　our　envoy　at　the　time　of　his　coronation　five　years　ago。　He　is　said　to　have　thrown　them　into　the　mud。　But　we　have　no　reason　to　suppose　that　this　is　meant　as　a　blow　at　our　prestige。　It　may　be　that　after　five　years　of　use　the　little　pulleys　of　the　braces　no　longer　work　properly。　We　have　ourselves　in　our　personal　life　known　instances　of　this；　and　can　speak　of　the　sense　of　irritation　occasioned。　Even　we　have　thrown　on　the　floor　ours。　And　in　any　case；　as　we　have　often　reminded　our　readers；　what　is　prestige？　If　any　one　wants　to　hit　us；　let　him　hit　us　right　there。　We　regard　a　blow　at　our　trade　as　far　more　deadly　than　a　blow　at　our　prestige。

〃The　situation　as　we　see　it　demands　immediate　reparation　on　our　part。　The　principal　grievance　of　the　Shriek　arises　from　the　existence　of　our　fort　and　garrison　on　the　Kowfat　river。　Our　proper　policy　is　to　knock　down　the　fort；　and　either　remove　the　garrison　or　give　it　to　the　Shriek。　We　are　convinced　that　as　soon　as　the　Shriek　realises　that　we　are　prepared　to　treat　him　in　the　proper　Christian　spirit；　he　will　at　once　respond　with　true　Mohammedan　generosity。

〃We　have　further　to　remember　that　in　what　we　do　we　are　being　observed　by　the　neighbouring　tribes；　the　Negritos；　the　Dwarf　Men；　and　the　Dog　Men　of　Darfur。　These　are　not　only　shrewd　observers　but　substantial　customers。　　The　Dwarf　Men　at　present　buy　all　their　cotton　on　the　Manchester　market　and　the　Dog　Men　depend　on　us　for　their　soap。

〃The　present　crisis　is　one　in　which　the　nation　needs　statesmanship　and　a　broad　outlook　upon　the　world。　In　the　existing　situation　we　need　not　the　duplicity　of　a　Machiavelli；　but　the　commanding　prescience　of　a　Gladstone　or　an　Alfred　the　Great；　or　a　Julius　Caesar。　Luckily　we　have　exactly　this　type　of　man　at　the　head　of　affairs。〃

After　completing　the　above　I　set　to　work　without　delay　on　a　similar　exercise　for　the　London　Times。　The　special。　excellence　of　the　Times；　as　everybody　knows　is　its　fulness　of　information。　For　generations　past　the　Times　has　commanded　a　peculiar　minuteness　of　knowledge　about　all　parts　of　the　Empire。　It　is　the　proud　boast　of　this　great　journal　that　to　whatever　far　away；　outlandish　part　of　the　Empire　you　may　go；　you　will　always　find　a　correspondent　of　the　Times　looking　for　something　to　do。　It　is　said　that　the　present　proprietor　has　laid　it　down　as　his　maxim；　〃I　don't　want　men　who　think；　I　want　men　who　know。〃　The　arrangements　for　thinking　are　made　separately。

Incidentally　I　may　say　that　I　had　personal　opportunities　while　I　was　in　England　of　realising　that　the　reputation　of　the　Times　staff　for　the　possession　of　information　is　well　founded。　Dining　one　night　with　some　members　of　the　staff；　I　happened　to　mention　Saskatchewan。　One　of　the　editors　at　the　other　end　of　the　table　looked　up　at　the　mention　of　the　name。　〃Saskatchewan；〃　he　said；　〃ah；　yes；　that's　not　far　from　Alberta；　is　it？〃　and　then　turned　quietly　to　his　food　again。　When　I　remind　the　reader　that　Saskatchewan　is　only　half　an　inch　from　Alberta　he　may　judge　of　the　nicety　of　the　knowledge　involved。　Having　all　this　in　mind；　I　recast　the　editorial　and　sent　it　to　the　London　Times　as　follows：

〃The　news　that　the　Sultan　of　Kowfat　has　thrown　away　his　suspenders　renders　it　of　interest　to　indicate　the　exact　spot　where　he　has　thrown　them。　（See　map）。　Kowfat；　lying　as　the　reader　knows；　on　the　Kowfat　River；　occupies　the　hinterland　between　the　back　end　of　south…west　Somaliland　and　the　east；　that　is　to　say；　the　west；　bank　of　Lake　P'schu。　It　thus　forms　an　enclave　between　the　Dog　Men　of　Darfur　and　the　Negritos　of　T'chk。　The　inhabitants　of　Kowfat　are　a　coloured　race　three　quarters　negroid　and　more　than　three　quarters　tabloid。

〃As　a　solution　of　the　present　difficulty；　the　first　thing　required　in　our　opinion　is　to　send　out　a　boundary　commission　to　delineate　more　exactly　still　just　where　Kowfat　is。　After　that　an　ethnographical　survey　might　be　completed。〃


It　was　a　matter　not　only　of　concern　but　of　surprise　to　me　that　not　one　of　the　three　contributions　recited　above　was　accepted　by　the　English　Press。　The　Morning　Post　complained　that　my　editorial　was　not　firm　enough　in　tone；　the　Guardian　that　it　was　not　humane　enough；　the　Times　that　I　had　left　out　the　latitude　and　longitude　always　expected　by　their　readers。　　I　thought　it　not　worth　while　to　bother　to　revise　the　articles　as　I　had　meantime　conceived　the　idea　that　the　same　material　might　be　used　in　the　most　delightfully　amusing　way　as　the　basis　of　a　poem　far　Punch。　Everybody　knows　the　kind　of　verses　that　are　contributed　to　Punch　by　Sir　Owen　Seaman　and　Mr。　Charles　Graves　and　men　of　that　sort。　And　everybody　has　been　struck；　as　I　have；　by　the　extraordinary　easiness　of　the　performance。　All　that　one　needs　is　to　get　some　odd　little　incident；　such　as　the　revolt　of　the　Sultan　of　Kowfat；　make　up　an　amusing　title；　and　then　string　the　verses　together　in　such　a　way　as　to　make　rhymes　with　all　the　odd　words　that　come　into　the　narrati