the titan-第84章

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d　cap　of　round；　black　lamb's…wool　he　arrived　at　the　door。

〃Well；　Bevy；〃　he　exclaimed；　pretending　not　to　know　of　Mrs。　Carter's　absence；　〃how　are　you？　How's　your　mother？　Is　she　in？〃

Berenice　fixed　him　with　her　cool；　steady…gazing　eyes；　as　frank　and　incisive　as　they　were　daring；　and　smiled　him　an　equivocal　welcome。　She　wore　a　blue　denim　painter's　apron；　and　a　palette　of　many　colors　glistened　under　her　thumb。　　She　was　painting　and　thinking　thinking　being　her　special　occupation　these　days；　and　her　thoughts　had　been　of　Braxmar；　Cowperwood；　Kilmer　Duelma；　a　half…dozen　others；　as　well　as　of　the　stage；　dancing；　painting。　　Her　life　was　in　a　melting…pot；　as　it　were；　before　her；　again　it　was　like　a　disarranged　puzzle；　the　pieces　of　which　might　be　fitted　together　into　some　interesting　picture　if　she　could　but　endure。

〃Do　come　in；〃　she　said。　　〃It's　cold；　isn't　it？　Well；　there's　a　nice　fire　here　for　you。　　No；　mother　isn't　here。　　She　went　down　to　New　York。　　I　should　think　you　might　have　found　her　at　the　apartment。　Are　you　in　New　York　for　long？〃

She　was　gay；　cheerful；　genial；　but　remote。　　Cowperwood　felt　the　protective　gap　that　lay　between　him　and　her。　　It　had　always　been　there。　　He　felt　that；　even　though　she　might　understand　and　like　him；　yet　there　was　somethingconvention；　ambition；　or　some　deficiency　on　his　partthat　was　keeping　her　from　him；　keeping　her　eternally　distant。

He　looked　about　the　room；　at　the　picture　she　was　attempting　（a　snow…scape；　of　a　view　down　a　slope）；　at　the　view　itself　which　he　contemplated　from　the　window；　at　some　dancing　sketches　she　had　recently　executed　and　hung　on　the　wall　for　the　time　beinglovely；　short　tunic　motives。　　He　looked　at　her　in　her　interesting　and　becoming　painter's　apron。　　〃Well；　Berenice；〃　he　said；　〃always　the　artist　first。　　It　is　your　world。　　You　will　never　escape　it。　　These　things　are　beautiful。〃　He　waved　an　ungloved　hand　in　the　direction　of　a　choric　line。　　〃It　wasn't　your　mother　I　came　to　see；　anyhow。　　It　is　you。　　I　had　such　a　curious　letter　from　her。　　She　tells　me　you　want　to　give　up　society　and　take　to　teaching　or　something　of　that　sort。　　I　came　because　I　wanted　to　talk　to　you　about　that。　　Don't　you　think　you　are　acting　rather　hastily？〃

He　spoke　now　as　though　there　were　some　reason　entirely　disassociated　from　himself　that　was　impelling　him　to　this　interest　in　her。

Berenice；　brush　in　hand；　standing　by　her　picture；　gave　him　a　look　that　was　cool；　curious；　defiant；　equivocal。

〃No；　I　don't　think　so；〃　she　replied；　quietly。　　〃You　know　how　things　have　been；　so　I　may　speak　quite　frankly。　　I　know　that　mother's　intentions　were　always　of　the　best。〃

Her　mouth　moved　with　the　faintest　touch　of　sadness。　　〃Her　heart；　I　am　afraid；　is　better　than　her　head。　　As　for　your　motives；　I　am　satisfied　to　believe　that　they　have　been　of　the　best　also。　　I　know　that　they　have　been；　in　factit　would　be　ungenerous　of　me　to　suggest　anything　else。〃　（Cowperwood's　fixed　eyes；　it　seemed　to　her；　had　moved　somewhere　in　their　deepest　depths。）　〃Yet　I　don't　feel　we　can　go　on　as　we　have　been　doing。　　We　have　no　money　of　our　own。　　Why　shouldn't　I　do　something？　What　else　can　I　really　do？〃

She　paused；　and　Cowperwood　gazed　at　her；　quite　still。　　In　her　informal；　bunchy　painter's　apron；　and　with　her　blue　eyes　looking　out　at　him　from　beneath　her　loose　red　hair；　it　seemed　to　him　she　was　the　most　perfect　thing　he　had　ever　known。　　Such　a　keen；　fixed；　enthroned　mind。　　She　was　so　capable；　so　splendid；　and；　like　his　own；　her　eyes　were　unafraid。　　Her　spiritual　equipoise　was　undisturbed。

〃Berenice；〃　he　said；　quietly；　〃let　me　tell　you　something。　　You　did　me　the　honor　just　now　to　speak　of　my　motives　ingiving　your　mother　money　as　of　the　best。　　They　werefrom　my　own　point　of　viewthe　best　I　have　ever　known。　　I　will　not　say　what　I　thought　they　were　in　the　beginning。　　I　know　what　they　were　now。　　I　am　going　to　speak　quite　frankly　with　you；　if　you　will　let　me；　as　long　as　we　are　here　together。　　I　don't　know　whether　you　know　this　or　not；　but　when　I　first　met　your　mother　I　only　knew　by　chance　that　she　had　a　daughter；　and　it　was　of　no　particular　interest　to　me　then。　　I　went　to　her　house　as　the　guest　of　a　financial　friend　of　mine　who　admired　her　greatly。　　From　the　first　I　myself　admired　her；　because　I　found　her　to　be　a　lady　to　the　manner　bornshe　was　interesting。　　One　day　I　happened　to　see　a　photograph　of　you　in　her　home；　and　before　I　could　mention　it　she　put　it　away。　　Perhaps　you　recall　the　one。　　It　is　in　profiletaken　when　you　were　about　sixteen。〃

〃Yes；　I　remember；〃　replied　Berenice；　simplyas　quietly　as　though　she　were　hearing　a　confession。

〃Well；　that　picture　interested　me　intensely。　　I　inquired　about　you；　and　learned　all　I　could。　　After　that　I　saw　another　picture　of　you；　enlarged；　in　a　Louisville　photographer's　window。　　I　bought　it。　　It　is　in　my　office　nowmy　private　officein　Chicago。　　You　are　standing　by　a　mantelpiece。〃

〃I　remember；〃　replied　Berenice；　moved；　but　uncertain。

〃Let　me　tell　you　a　little　something　about　my　life；　will　you？　It　won't　take　long。　　I　was　born　in　Philadelphia。　　My　family　had　always　belonged　there。　　I　have　been　in　the　banking　and　street…railway　business　all　my　life。　　My　first　wife　was　a　Presbyterian　girl；　religious；　conventional。　　She　was　older　than　I　by　six　or　seven　years。　　I　was　happy　for　a　whilefive　or　six　years。　　We　had　two　childrenboth　still　living。　　Then　I　met　my　present　wife。　　She　was　younger　than　myselfat　least　ten　years；　and　very　good…looking。　　She　was　in　some　respects　more　intelligent　than　my　first　wifeat　least　less　conventional；　more　generous；　I　thought。　　I　fell　in　love　with　her；　and　when　I　eventually　left　Philadelphia　I　got　a　divorce　and　married　her。　　I　was　greatly　in　love　with　her　at　the　time。　　I　thought　she　was　an　ideal　mate　for　me；　and　I　still　think　she　has　many　qualities　which　make　her　attractive。　　But　my　own　ideals　in　regard　to　women　have　all　the　time　been　slowly　changing。　　I　have　come　to　see；　through　various　experiments；　that　she　is　not　the　ideal　woman　for　me　at　all。　　She　does　not　understand　me。　　I　don't　pretend　to　understand　myself；　but　it　has　occurred　to　me　that　there　might　be　a　woman　somewhere　who　would　understand　me　better　than　I　understand　myself；　who　would　see　the　things　that　I　don't　see　about　myself；　and　would　like　me；　anyhow。　　I　might　as　well　tell　you　that　I　have　been　a　lover　of　women　always。　　There　is　just　one　ideal　thing　in　this　world　to　me；　and　that　is　the　woman　that　I　would　like　to　have。〃

〃I　should　think　it　would　make　it　rather　difficult　for　any　one　woman　to　discover　just　which　woman　you　would　like　to　have？〃　smiled　Berenice；　whimsically。　　Cowperwood　was　unabashed。

〃It　would；　I　presume；　unless　she　should　chance　to　be　the　very　one　woman　I　am　talking　about；〃　he　replied；　impressively。

〃I　should　think　she　would　have　her　work　cut　out　for　her　under　any　circumstances；〃　added　Berenice；　lightly；　but　with　a　touch　of　sympathy　in　her　voice。

〃I　am　making　a　confession；〃　replied　Cowperwood；　seriously　and　a　little　heavily。　　〃I　am　not　apologizing　for　myself。　　The　women　I　have　known　would　make　ideal　wives　for　some　men；　but　not　for　me。　　Life　has　taught　me　that　much。　　It　has　changed　me。〃

〃And　do　you　think　the　process　has　stopped　by　any　means？〃　she　replied；　quaintly；　with　that　air　of　superior　banter　which　puzzled；　fascinated；　defied　him。

〃No；　I　will　not　say　that。　　My　ideal　has　become　fixed；　though；　apparently。　　I　have　had　it　for　a　number　of　years　now。　　It　spoils　other　matters　for　me。　　There　is　such　a　thing　as　an　ideal。　　We　do　have　a　pole…star　in　physics。〃

As　he　said　this　Cowperwood　realized　that　for　him　he　was　making　a　very　remarkable　confession。　　He　had　come　here　primarily　to　magnetize　her　and　control　her　judgment。　　As　a　matter　of　fact；　it　was　almost　the　other　way　about。　　She　was　almost　dominating　him。　　Lithe；　slender；　resourceful；　histrionic；　she　was　standing　before　him　making　him　explain　himself；　only　he　did　not　see　her　so　much　in　that　light　as　in　the　way　of　a　large；　kindly；　mothering　intelligence　which　could　see；　feel；　and　understand。　　She　would　know　how　it　was；　he　felt　sure。　　He　could　make　himself　understood　if　he　tried。　Whatever　he　was　or　had　been；　she　would　not　take　a　petty　view。　　She　could　not。　　Her　answers　thus　far　guaranteed　as　much。

〃Yes；〃　she　replied；　〃we　do　have　a　pole…star；　but　you　do　not　seem　able　to　find　it。　　Do　you　expect　to　find　your　ideal　in　any　living　woman？〃

〃I　have　found　it；〃　he　answered；　wondering　at　the　ingenuity　and　complexity　of　her　mindand　of　his　own；　for　that　matterof　all　mind　indeed。　　Deep　below　deep　it　lay；　staggering　him　at　times　by　its　fathomless　reaches。　　〃I　hope　you　will　take　seriously　what　I　am　going　to　say；　for　it　will　explain　so　much。　　When　I　began　to　be　interested　in　your　picture　I　was　so　because　it　coincided　with　the　ideal　I　had　in　mindthe　thing　that　you　think　changes　swiftly。　　That　was　nearly　seven　years　ago。　　Since　then　it　has　never　changed。　When　I　saw　you　at　your　school　on　Riverside　Drive　I　was　fully　convinced。　　Although　I　have　said　nothing；　I　have　remained　so。　　Perhaps　you　think　I　had　no　right　to　any　such　feelings。　　Most　people　would　agree　with　you。　　I　had　them　and　do　have　them　just　the　same；　and　it　explains　my　relation　to　your　mother。　　When　she　came　to　me　once　in　Louisville　and　told　me　of　her　difficulties　I　was　glad　to　help　her　for　your　sake。　　That　has　been　my　reason　ever　since；　although　she　does　not　know　that。　　In　some　respects；　Berenice；　your　mother　is　a　little　dull。　　All　this　while　I　have　been　in　love　with　youintensely　so。　　As　you　stand　there　now　you　seem　to　me　amazingly　beautifulthe　ideal　I　have　been　telling　you　about。　　Don't　be　disturbed；　I　sha'n't　press　any　attentions　on　you。〃　（Berenice　had　moved　very　slightly。　　She　was　concerned　as　much　for　him　as　for　herself。　　His　power　was　so　wide；　his　power　so　great。　　She　could　not　help　taking　him　seriously　when　he　was　so　serious。）　〃I　have　done　whatever　I　have　done　in　connection　with　you　and　your　mother　because　I　have　been　in　love　with　you　and　because　I　wanted　you　to　become　the　splendid　thing　I　thought　you　ought　to　become。　　You　have　not　known　it；　but　you　are　the　cause　of　my　building　the　house　on　Fifth　Avenuethe　principal　reason。　　I　wanted　to　build　something　worthy　of　you。　　A　dream？　Certainly。　　Everything　we　do　seems　to　have　something　of　that　quality。　　Its　beauty；　if　there　is　any；　is　due　to　you。　　I　made　it　beautiful　thinking　of　you。

He　paused；　and　Berenice　gave　no　sign。　　Her　first　impulse　had　been　to　object；　but　her　vanity；　her　love　of　art；　her　love　of　powerall　were　touched。　　At　the　same　time　she　was　curious　now　as　to　whether　he　had　merely　expected　to　take　her　as　his　mistress　or　to　wait　until　he　could　honor　her　as　his　wife。

〃I　suppose　you　are　wondering　whether　I　ever　expected　to　marry　you　or　not；〃　he　went　on；　getting　the　thought　out　of　her　mind。　　〃I　am　no　different　from　many　men　in　that　respect；　Berenice。　　I　will　be　frank。　　I　wanted　you　in　any　way　that　I　could　get　you。　　I　was　living　in　the　hope　all　along　that　you　would　fall　in　love　with　meas　I　had　with　you。　　I　hated　Braxmar　here；　not　long　ago；　when　he　appeared　on　the　scene；　but　I　could　never　have　thought　of　interfering。　　I　was　quite　prepared　to　give　you　up。　　I　have　envied　every　man　I　have　ever　seen　with　youyoung　and　old。　　I　have　even　envied　your　mother　for　being　so　close　to　you　when　I　could　not　be。　　At　the　same　time　I　have　wanted　you　to　have　everything