面纱 英文原本-第5章
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of thought rushed upon me like a ringing in the ears not to be got rid of；
though it allowed my own impulses and ideas to continue their
uninterrupted course。 It was like a preternaturally heightened sense of
hearing； making audible to one a roar of sound where others find perfect
stillness。 The weariness and disgust of this involuntary intrusion into
other souls was counteracted only by my ignorance of Bertha； and my
growing passion for her； a passion enormously stimulated； if not produced；
by that ignorance。 She was my oasis of mystery in the dreary desert of
knowledge。 I had never allowed my diseased condition to betray itself；
or to drive me into any unusual speech or action； except once； when； in a
moment of peculiar bitterness against my brother； I had forestalled some
words which I knew he was going to uttera clever observation； which he
had prepared beforehand。 He had occasionally a slightly affected
hesitation in his speech； and when he paused an instant after the second
word； my impatience and jealousy impelled me to continue the speech for
him； as if it were something we had both learned by rote。 He coloured
and looked astonished； as well as annoyed； and the words had no sooner
escaped my lips than I felt a shock of alarm lest such an anticipation of
wordsvery far from being words of course； easy to divineshould have
betrayed me as an exceptional being； a sort of quiet energumen； whom
every one； Bertha above all； would shudder at and avoid。 But I
magnified； as usual； the impression any word or deed of mine could
produce on others； for no one gave any sign of having noticed my
interruption as more than a rudeness； to be forgiven me on the score of my
feeble nervous condition。
While this superadded consciousness of the actual was almost constant
with me； I had never had a recurrence of that distinct prevision which I
have described in relation to my first interview with Bertha； and I was
waiting with eager curiosity to know whether or not my vision of Prague
would prove to have been an instance of the same kind。 A few days after
the incident of the opal ring； we were paying one of our frequent visits to
the Lichtenberg Palace。 I could never look at many pictures in succession；
for pictures； when they are at all powerful； affect me so strongly that one
or two exhaust all my capability of contemplation。 This morning I had
been looking at Giorgione's picture of the cruel…eyed woman； said to be a
likeness of Lucrezia Borgia。 I had stood long alone before it； fascinated
by the terrible reality of that cunning； relentless face； till I felt a strange
poisoned sensation； as if I had long been inhaling a fatal odour； and was
just beginning to be conscious of its effects。 Perhaps even then I should
not have moved away； if the rest of the party had not returned to this room；
and announced that they were going to the Belvedere Gallery to settle a
bet which had arisen between my brother and Mr。 Filmore about a portrait。
I followed them dreamily； and was hardly alive to what occurred till they
had all gone up to the gallery； leaving me below； for I refused to e
within sight of another picture that day。 I made my way to the Grand
Terrace； since it was agreed that we should saunter in the gardens when
the dispute had been decided。 I had been sitting here a short space；
vaguely conscious of trim gardens； with a city and green hills in the
distance； when； wishing to avoid the proximity of the sentinel； I rose and
walked down the broad stone steps； intending to seat myself farther on in
the gardens。 Just as I reached the gravel…walk； I felt an arm slipped within
mine； and a light hand gently pressing my wrist。 In the same instant a
strange intoxicating numbness passed over me； like the continuance or
climax of the sensation I was still feeling from the gaze of Lucrezia Borgia。
The gardens； the summer sky； the consciousness of Bertha's arm being
within mine； all vanished； and I seemed to be suddenly in darkness； out of
which there gradually broke a dim firelight； and I felt myself sitting in my
father's leather chair in the library at home。 I knew the fireplacethe
dogs for the wood…firethe black marble chimney…piece with the white
marble medallion of the dying Cleopatra in the centre。 Intense and
hopeless misery was pressing on my soul； the light became stronger； for
Bertha was entering with a candle in her hand… …Bertha； my wifewith
cruel eyes； with green jewels and green leaves on her white ball…dress；
every hateful thought within her present to me 。 。 。 〃Madman； idiot！ why
don't you kill yourself； then？〃 It was a moment of hell。 I saw into her
pitiless soulsaw its barren worldliness； its scorching hateand felt it
clothe me round like an air I was obliged to breathe。 She came with her
candle and stood over me with a bitter smile of contempt； I saw the great
emerald brooch on her bosom； a studded serpent with diamond eyes。 I
shudderedI despised this woman with the barren soul and mean thoughts；
but I felt helpless before her； as if she clutched my bleeding heart； and
would clutch it till the last drop of life… blood ebbed away。 She was my
wife； and we hated each other。 Gradually the hearth； the dim library； the
candle…light disappearedseemed to melt away into a background of light；
the green serpent with the diamond eyes remaining a dark image on the
retina。 Then I had a sense of my eyelids quivering； and the living
daylight broke in upon me； I saw gardens； and heard voices； I was seated
on the steps of the Belvedere Terrace； and my friends were round me。
The tumult of mind into which I was thrown by this hideous vision
made me ill for several days； and prolonged our stay at Vienna。 I
shuddered with horror as the scene recurred to me； and it recurred
constantly； with all its minutiae； as if they had been burnt into my memory；
and yet； such is the madness of the human heart under the influence of its
immediate desires； I felt a wild hell…braving joy that Bertha was to be mine；
for the fulfilment of my former prevision concerning her first appearance
before me； left me little hope that this last hideous glimpse of the future
was the mere diseased play of my own mind； and had no relation to
external realities。 One thing alone I looked towards as a possible means
of casting doubt on my terrible convictionthe discovery that my vision of
Prague had been falseand Prague was the next city on our route。
Meanwhile； I was no sooner in Bertha's society again than I was as
pletely under her sway as before。 What if I saw into the heart of
Bertha； the matured womanBertha； my wife？ Bertha； the GIRL； was a
fascinating secret to me still： I trembled under her touch； I felt the
witchery of her presence； I yearned to be assured of her love。 The fear of
poison is feeble against the sense of thirst。 Nay； I was just as jealous of my
brother as beforejust as much irritated by his small patronizing ways； for
my pride； my diseased sensibility； were there as they had always been； and
winced as inevitably under every offence as my eye winced from an
intruding mote。 The future； even when brought within the pass of
feeling by a vision that made me shudder； had still no more than the force
of an idea； pared with the force of present emotionof my love for
Bertha； of my dislike and jealousy towards my brother。
It is an old story； that men sell themselves to the tempter； and sign a
bond with their blood； because it is only to take effect at a distant day；
then rush on to snatch the cup their souls thirst after with an impulse not
the less savage because there is a dark shadow beside them for evermore。
There is no short cut； no patent tram…road； to wisdom： after all the
centuries of invention； the soul's path lies through the thorny wilderness
which must be still trodden in solitude； with bleeding feet； with sobs for
help； as it was trodden by them of old time。
My mind speculated eagerly on the means by which I should bee
my brother's successful rival； for I was still too timid； in my ignorance of
Bertha's actual feeling； to venture on any step that would urge from her an
avowal of it。 I thought I should gain confidence even for this； if my
vision of Prague proved to have been veracious； and yet； the horror of that
certitude！ Behind the slim girl Bertha； whose words and looks I watched
for； whose touch was bliss； there stood continually that Bertha with the
fuller form； the harder eyes； the more rigid mouthwith the barren； selfish
soul laid bare； no longer a fascinating secret； but a measured fact； urging
itself perpetually on my unwilling sight。 Are you unable to give me your
sympathyyou who react this？ Are you unable to imagine this double
consciousness at work within me； flowing on like two parallel streams
which never mingle their waters and blend into a mon hue？ Yet you
must have known something of the presentiments that spring from an
insight at war with passion； and my visions were only like presentiments
intensified to horror。 You have known the powerlessness of ideas before
the might of impulse； and my visions； when once they had passed into
memory； were mere ideaspale shadows that beckoned in vain； while my
hand was grasped by the living and the loved。
In after…days I thought with bitter regret that if I had foreseen
something more or something differentif instead of that hideous vision
which poisoned the passion it could not destroy； or if even along with it I
could have had a foreshadowing of that moment when I looked on my
brother's face for the last time； some softening influence would have been
shed over my feeling towards him： pride and hatred would surely have
been subdued into pity； and the record of those hid
