白噪音(White Noise) (英文版)作者:唐·德里罗(Don DeLillo)-第46章

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　　〃Do　you　think　it's　a　sense　of　inpleteness　that　causes　you　the　deepest　regret？　There　are　things　you　still　hope　to　acplish。　Work　to　be　done；　intellectual　challenges　to　be　faced。〃
　　〃The　deepest　regret　is　death。　The　only　thing　to　face　is　death。　This　is　all　I　think　about。　There's　only　one　issue　here。　I　want　to　live。〃
　　〃From　the　Robert　Wise　film　of　the　same　name；　with　Susan　Hayward　as　Barbara　Graham；　a　convicted　murderess。　Aggressive　jazz　score　by　Johnny　Mandel。〃
　　I　looked　at　him。
　　〃So　you're　saying；　Jack；　that　death　would　be　just　as　threatening　even　if　you'd　acplished　all　you'd　ever　hoped　to　acplish　in　your　life　and　work。〃
　　〃Are　you　crazy？　Of　course。　That's　an　elitist　idea。　Would　you　ask　a　man　who　bags　groceries　if　he　fears　death　not　because　it　is　death　but　because　there　are　still　some　interesting　groceries　he　would　like　to　bag？〃
　　〃Well　said。〃
　　〃This　is　death。　I　don't　want　it　to　tarry　awhile　so　I　can　write　a　monograph。　I　want　it　to　go　away　for　seventy　or　eighty　years。〃
　　〃Your　status　as　a　doomed　man　lends　your　words　a　certain　prestige　and　authority。　I　like　that。　As　the　time　nears；　I　think　you'll　find　that　people　will　be　eager　to　hear　what　you　have　to　say。　They　will　seek　you　out。〃
　　〃Are　you　saying　this　is　a　wonderful　opportunity　for　me　to　win　friends？〃
　　〃I'm　saying　you　can't　let　down　the　living　by　slipping　into　self…pity　and　despair。　People　will　depend　on　you　to　be　brave。　What　people　look　for　in　a　dying　friend　is　a　stubborn　kind　of　gravel…voiced　nobility；　a　refusal　to　give　in；　with　moments　of　indomitable　humor。　You're　growing　in　prestige　even　as　we　speak。　You're　creating　a　hazy　light　about　your　own　body。　I　have　to　like　it。〃
　　We　walked　down　the　middle　of　a　steep　and　winding　street。　There　was　no　one　around。　The　houses　here　were　old　and　looming；　set　above　narrow　stone　stairways　in　partial　disrepair。
　　〃Do　you　believe　love　is　stronger　than　death？〃
　　〃Not　in　a　million　years。〃
　　〃Good；〃　he　said。　〃Nothing　is　stronger　than　death。　Do　you　believe　the　only　people　who　fear　death　are　those　who　are　afraid　of　life？〃
　　〃That's　crazy。　pletely　stupid。〃
　　〃Right。　We　all　fear　death　to　some　extent。　Those　who　claim　otherwise　are　lying　to　themselves。　Shallow　people。〃
　　〃People　with　their　nicknames　on　their　license　plates。〃
　　〃Excellent；　Jack。　Do　you　believe　life　without　death　is　somehow　inplete？〃
　　〃How　could　it　be　inplete？　Death　is　what　makes　it　inplete。〃
　　〃Doesn't　our　knowledge　of　death　make　life　more　precious？〃
　　〃What　good　is　a　preciousness　based　on　fear　and　anxiety？　It's　an　anxious　quivering　thing。〃
　　'True。　The　most　deeply　precious　things　are　those　we　feel　secure　about。　A　wife；　a　child。　Does　the　specter　of　death　make　a　child　more　precious？〃
　　〃No。〃
　　〃No。　There　is　no　reason　to　believe　life　is　more　precious　because　it　is　fleeting。　Here　is　a　statement。　A　person　has　to　be　told　he　is　going　to　die　before　he　can　begin　to　live　life　to　the　fullest。　True　or　false？〃
　　〃False。　Once　your　death　is　established；　it　bees　impossible　to　live　a　satisfying　life。〃
　　〃Would　you　prefer　to　know　the　exact　date　and　time　of　your　death？〃
　　〃Absolutely　not。　It's　bad　enough　to　fear　the　unknown。　Faced　with　the　unknown；　we　can　pretend　it　isn't　there。　Exact　dates　would　drive　many　to　suicide；　if　only　to　beat　the　system。〃
　　We　crossed　an　old　highway　bridge；　screened　in；　littered　with　sad　and　faded　objects。　We　followed　a　footpath　along　a　creek；　approached　the　edge　of　the　high　school　playing　field。　Women　brought　small　children　here　to　play　in　the　long…jump　pits。
　　〃How　do　I　get　around　it？〃　I　said。
　　〃You　could　put　your　faith　in　technology。　It　got　you　here；　it　can　get　you　out。　This　is　the　whole　point　of　technology。　It　creates　an　appetite　for　immortality　on　the　one　hand。　It　threatens　universal　extinction　on　the　other。　Technology　is　lust　removed　from　nature。〃
　　〃It　is？〃
　　〃It's　what　we　invented　to　conceal　the　terrible　secret　of　our　decaying　bodies。　But　it's　also　life；　isn't　it？　It　prolongs　life；　it　provides　new　organs　for　those　that　wear　out。　New　devices；　new　techniques　every　day。　Lasers；　masers；　ultrasound。　Give　yourself　up　to　it；　Jack。　Believe　in　it。　They'll　insert　you　in　a　gleaming　tube；　irradiate　your　body　with　the　basic　stuff　of　the　universe。　Light；　energy；　dreams。　God's　own　goodness。〃
　　〃I　don't　think　I　want　to　see　any　doctors　for　a　while；　Murray；　thanks。〃
　　〃In　that　case　you　can　always　get　around　death　by　concentrating　on　the　life　beyond。〃
　　〃How　do　I　do　that？〃
　　〃It's　obvious。　Read　up　on　reincarnation；　transmigration；　hyperspace；　the　resurrection　of　the　dead　and　so　on。　Some　gorgeous　systems　have　evolved　from　these　beliefs。　Study　them。〃
　　〃Do　you　believe　in　any　of　these　things？〃
　　〃Millions　of　people　have　believed　for　thousands　of　years。　Throw　in　with　them。　Belief　in　a　second　birth；　a　second　life；　is　practically　universal。　This　must　mean　something。〃
　　〃But　these　gorgeous　systems　are　all　so　different。〃
　　〃Pick　one　you　like。〃
　　〃But　you　make　it　sound　like　a　convenient　fantasy；　the　worst　kind　of　self…delusion。〃
　　Again　he　seemed　to　shrug。　'Think　of　the　great　poetry；　the　music　and　dance　and　ritual　that　spring　forth　from　our　aspiring　to　a　life　beyond　death。　Maybe　these　things　are　justification　enough　for　our　hopes　and　dreams；　although　I　wouldn't　say　that　to　a　dying　man。〃
　　He　poked　me　with　an　elbow。　We　walked　toward　the　mercial　part　of　town。　Murray　paused；　raised　one　foot　behind　him；　reached　back　to　knock　some　ashes　from　his　pipe。　Then　he　pocketed　the　thing　expertly；　inserting　it　bowl…first　in　his　corduroy　jacket。
　　〃Seriously；　you　can　find　a　great　deal　of　long…range　solace　in　the　idea　of　an　afterlife。〃
　　〃But　don't　I　have　to　believe？　Don't　I　have　to　feel　in　my　heart　that　there　is　something；　genuinely；　beyond　this　life；　out　there；　looming；　in　the　dark？〃
　　〃What　do　you　think　the　afterlife　is；　a　body　of　facts　just　waiting　to　be　uncovered？　Do　you　think　the　U。S。　Air　Force　is　secretly　gathering　data　on　the　afterlife　and　keeping　it　under　wraps　because　we're　not　mature　enough　to　accept　the　findings？　The　findings　would　cause　panic？　No。　I'll　tell　you　what　the　afterlife　is。　It's　a　sweet　and　terribly　touching　idea。　You　can　take　it　or　leave　it。　In　the　meantime　what　you　have　to　do　is　survive　an　assassination　attempt。　That　would　be　an　instant　tonic。　You　would　feel　specially　favored；　you　would　grow　in　charisma。〃
　　〃You　said　earlier　that　death　was　making　me　grow　in　charisma。　Besides；　who　would　want　to　kill　me？〃
　　Once　more　he　shrugged。　Survive　a　train　wreck　in　which　a　hundred　die。　Get　thrown　clear　when　your　single…engine　Cessna　crashes　on　a　golf　course　after　striking　a　power　line　in　heavy　rain　just　minutes　after　takeoff。　It　doesn't　have　to　be　assassination。　The　point　is　you're　standing　at　the　edge　of　a　smoldering　ruin　where　others　lie　inert　and　twisted。　This　can　counteract　the　effect　of　any　number　of　nebulous　masses；　at　least　for　a　time。〃
　　We　window…shopped　a　while；　then　went　into　a　shoe　store。　Murray　looked　at　Weejüns；　Wallabees；　Hush　Puppies。　We　wandered　out　into　the　sun。　Children　in　strollers　squinted　up　at　us；　appearing　to　think　we　were　something　strange。
　　〃Has　your　German　helped？〃
　　〃I　can't　say　it　has。〃
　　〃Has　it　ever　helped？〃
　　〃I　can't　say。　I　don't　know。　Who　knows　these　things？〃
　　〃What　have　you　been　trying　to　do　all　these　years？〃
　　〃Put　myself　under　a　spell；　I　guess。〃
　　〃Correct。　Nothing　to　be　ashamed　of；　Jack。　It's　only　your　fear　that　makes　you　act　this　way。〃
　　〃Only　my　fear？　Only　my　death？〃
　　〃We　shouldn't　be　surprised　at　your　lack　of　success。　How　powerful　did　the　Germans　prove　to　be？　They　lost　the　war；　after　all。〃
　　〃That's　what　Denise　said。〃
　　〃You've　discussed　this　with　the　children？〃
　　〃Superficially。〃
　　〃Helpless　and　fearful　people　are　drawn　to　magical　figures；　mythic　figures；　epic　men　who　intimidate　and　darkly　loom。〃
　　〃You're　talking　about　Hitler；　I　take　it。〃
　　〃Some　people　are　larger　than　life。　Hitler　is　larger　than　death。　You　thought　he　would　protect　you。　I　understand　pletely。〃
　　〃Do　you？　Because　I　wish　I　did。〃
　　〃It's　totally　obvious。　You　wanted　to　be　helped　and　sheltered。　The　overwhelming　horror　would　leave　no　room　for　your　own　death。　'Submerge　me；'　you　said。　'Absorb　my　fear。'　On　one　level　you　wanted　to　conceal　yourself　in　Hitler　and　his　works。　On　another　level　you　wanted　to　use　him　to　grow　in　significance　and　strength。
　　I　sense　a　confusion　of　means。　Not　that　I'm　criticizing。　It　was　a　daring　thing　you　did；　a　daring　thrust。　To　use　him。　I　can　admire　the　attempt　even　as　I　see　how　totally　dumb　it　was；　although　no　dumber　than　wearing　a　charm　or　knocking　wood。　Six　hundred　million　Hindus　stay　home　from　work　if　the　signs　are　not　favorable　that　morning。　So　I'm　not　singling　you　out。〃　'The　vast　and　terrible　depth。〃　〃Of　course；〃　he　said。　〃The　inexhaustibility。〃　〃I　understand。〃
　　'The　whole　huge　nameless　thing。〃　〃Yes；　absolutely。〃　〃The　massive　darkness。〃　〃Certainly；　certainly。〃　'The　whole　terrible　endless　hugeness。〃　〃I　know　exactly　what　you　mean。〃
　　He　tapped　the　fender　of　a　diagonally　parked　car；　half　smiling。　〃Why　have　you　failed；　Jack？〃　〃A　confusion　of　means。〃
　　〃Correct。　There　are　numerous　ways　to　get　around　death。　You　tried　to　employ　two　of　them　at　once。　You　stood　out　on　the　one　hand　and　tried　to　hide　on　the　other。　What　is　the　name　we　give　to　this　attempt？〃　〃Dumb。〃
　　I　followed　him　into　the　supermarket。　Blasts　of　color；　layers　of　oceanic　sound。　We　walked　under　a　bright　banner　announcing　a　raffle　to　raise　money　for　some　incurable　disease。　The　wording　seemed　to　indicate　that　the　winner　would　get　the　disease。　Murray　likened　the　banner　to　a　Tibetan　prayer　flag。
　　〃Why　have　I　had　this　fear　so　long；　so　consistently？〃　〃It's　obvious。　You　don't　know　how　to　repress。　We're　all　aware　there's　no　escape　from　death。　How　do　we　deal　with　this　crushing　knowledge？　We　repress；　we　disguise；　we　bury；　we　exclude。　Some　people　do　it　better　than　others；　that's　all。〃　〃How　can　I　improve？〃　〃You　can't。　Some　people　just　don't　have　the　unconscious　tools　to　perform　the　necessary　disguising　operations。〃
　　〃How　do　we　know　repression　exists　if　the　tools　are　unconscious　and　the　thing　we're　repressing　is　so　cleverly　disguised？〃
　　〃Freud　said　so。　Speaking　of　looming　figures。〃
　　He　picked　up　a　box　of　Handi…Wrap　II；　reading　the　display　type；　studying　the　colors。　He　smelled　a　packet　of　dehydrated　soup。　The　data　was　strong　today。
　　〃Do　you　think　I'm　somehow　healthier　because　I　don't　know　how　to　repress？　Is　it　possible　that　constant　fear　is　the　natural　state　of　man　and　that　by　living　close　to　my　fear　I　am　actually　doing　something　heroic；　Murray？〃
　　〃Do　you　feel　heroic？〃
　　〃No。〃
　　'Then　you　probably　aren't。〃
　　〃But　isn't　repression　unnatural？〃
　　〃Fear　is　unnatural。　Lightning　and　thunder　are　unnatural。　Pain；　death；　reality；　these　are　all　unnatural。　We　can't　bear　these　things　as　they　are。　We　know　too　much。　So　we　resort　to　repression；　promise　and　disguise。　This　is　how　we　survive　in　the　universe。　This　is　the　natural　language　of　the　species。〃
　　I　looked　at　him　carefully。
　　〃I　exercise。　I　take　care　of　my　body。〃
　　〃No；　you　don't；〃　he　said。
　　He　helped　an　old　man　read　the　date　on　a　loaf　of　raisin　bread。　Children　sailed　by　in　silver　carts。
　　〃Tegrin；　Denorex；　Selsun　Blue。〃
　　Murray　wrot