speaking of operations-第3章

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resemblance　ends。　　The　tailor；　as　I　remarked　in　effect　just　now；
wants　an　hour　at　least　in　which　to　decide　how　he　may　best　cover
up　and　disguise　the　irregularities　of　the　human　form；　in　much　less
time　than　that　the　surgeon　has　completely　altered　the　form　itself。

With　the　surgeon　it　is　very　much　as　it　is　with　those　learned　men
who　write　those　large；　impressive　works　of　reference　which　should
be　permanently　in　every　library；　and　which　we　are　forever　buying
from　an　agent　because　we　are　so　passionately　addicted　to　payments。
If　the　thing　he　seeks　does　not　appear　in　the　contents　proper　he
knows　exactly　where　to　look　for　it。　　〃See　appendix；〃　says　the
historian　to　you　in　a　footnote。　　〃See　appendix；〃　says　the　surgeon
to　himself；　the　while　humming　a　cheery　refrain。　　　And　so　he　does。

Well；　I　went　home。　　This　was　Tuesday　and　the　operation　was　not
to　be　performed　until　the　coming　Friday。　　By　Wednesday　I　had　calmed
down　considerably。　　By　Thursday　morning　I　was　practically　normal
again　as　regards　my　nerves。　　You　will　understand　that　I　was　still
in　a　blissful　state　of　ignorance　concerning　the　actual　methods　of
the　surgical　profession　as　exemplified　by　its　leading　exponents　of
today。　　The　knowledge　I　have　touched　on　in　the　pages　immediately
preceding　was　to　come　to　me　later。

Likewise　Doctor　Z's　manner　had　been　deceiving。　　It　could　not　be
that　he　meant　to　carve　me　to　any　really　noticeable　extenthis
attitude　had　been　entirely　too　casual。　　At　our　house　carving　is
a　very　serious　matter。　　Any　time　I　take　the　head　of　the　table　and
start　in　to　carve　it　is　fitting　women　and　children　get　to　a　place
of　safety；　and　onlookers　should　get　under　the　table。　　When　we　first
began　housekeeping　and　gave　our　first　small　dinner…party　we　had
a　brace　of　ducks　cooked　in　honor　of　the　company；　and　I；　as　host；
undertook　to　carve　them。　　I　never　knew　until　then　that　a　duck　was
built　like　a　watchthat　his　works　were　inclosed　in　a　burglarproof
case。　　Without　the　use　of　dynamite　the　Red　Leary…O'Brien　gang　could
not　have　broken　into　those　ducks。　　I　thought　so　then　and　I　think
so　yet。　　Years　have　passed　since　then；　but　I　may　state　that　even
now；　when　there　are　guests　for　dinner；　we　do　not　have　ducks。
Unless　somebody　else　is　going　to　carve；　we　have　liver。

I　mention　this　fact　in　passing　because　it　shows　that　I　had　learned
to　revere　carving　as　one　of　the　higher　arts；　and　one　not　to　be
approached　except　in　a　spirit　of　due　appreciation　of　the　magnitude
of　the　undertaking；　and　after　proper　consideration　and　thought　and
reflection；　and　all　that　sort　of　thing。

If　this　were　true　as　regards　a　mere　duck；　why　not　all　the　more　so
as　regards　the　carving　of　a　person　of　whom　I　am　so　very　fond　as　I
am　of　myself？　Thus　I　reasoned。　　And　finally；　had　not　Doctor　Z
spoken　of　the　coming　operation　as　a　small　matter？　Well　then？

Thursday　at　noon　I　received　from　Doctor　Z's　secretary　a　note　stating
that　arrangements　had　been　made　for　my　admission　into　St。　Germicide
that　same　evening　and　that　I　was　to　spend　the　night　there。　　This
hardly　seemed　necessary。　　Still；　the　tone　of　the　note　appeared　to
indicate　that　the　hospital　authorities　particularly　wished　to　have
me　for　an　overnight　guest；　and　as　I　reflected　that　probably　the　poor
things　had　few　enough　bright　spots　in　their　busy　lives；　I　decided
I　would　humor　them　along　and　gladden　the　occasion　with　my　presence
from　dinner…time　on。

About　eight　o'clock　I　strolled　in　very　jauntily。　　In　my　mind　I
had　the　whole　programme　mapped　out。　　I　would　stay　at　the　hospital
for；　say；　two　days　following　the　operationor；　at　most；　three。
Then　I　must　be　up　and　away。　　I　had　a　good　deal　of　work　to　do　and
a　number　of　people　to　see　on　important　business；　and　I　could　not
really　afford　to　waste　more　than　a　weekend　on　the　staff　of　St。
Germicide's。　　After　Monday　they　must　look　to　their　own　devices　for
social　entertainment。　　That　was　my　idea。　　Now　when　I　look　back　on
it　I　laugh；　but　it　is　a　hollow　laugh　and　there　is　no　real　merriment
in　it。

Indeed；　almost　from　the　moment　of　my　entrance　little　things　began
to　come　up　that　were　calculated　to　have　a　depressing　effect　on
one's　spirits。　　Downstairs　a　serious…looking　lady　met　me　and　entered
in　a　book　a　number　of　salient　facts　regarding　my　personality　which
the　previous　investigators　had　somehow　overlooked。　　There　is　a　lot
of　bookkeeping　about　an　operation。　　This　detail　attended　to；　a
young　man；　dressed　in　white　garments　and　wearing　an　expression
that　stamped　him　as　one　who　had　suffered　a　recent　deep　bereavement
came　and　relieved　me　of　my　hand　bag　and　escorted　me　upstairs。

As　we　passed　through　the　upper　corridors　I　had　my　first　introduction
to　the　hospital　smell；　which　is　a　smell　compounded　of　iodoform；
ether；　gruel；　and　something　boiling。　　All　hospitals　have　it；
I　understand。　　In　time　you　get　used　to　it；　but　you　never　really
care　for　it。

The　young　man　led　me　into　a　small　room　tastefully　decorated　with
four　walls；　a　floor；　a　ceiling；　a　window　sill　and　a　window；　a　door
and　a　doorsill；　and　a　bed　and　a　chair。　　He　told　me　to　go　to　bed。
I　did　not　want　to　go　to　bedit　was　not　my　regular　bedtimebut
he　made　a　point　of　it；　and　I　judged　it　was　according　to　regulations；
so　I　undressed　and　put　on　my　night　clothes　and　crawled　in。　　He
left　me；　taking　my　other　clothes　and　my　shoes　with　him；　but　I
was　not　allowed　to　get　lonely。

A　little　later　a　ward　surgeon　appeared；　to　put　a　few　inquiries　of
a　pointed　and　personal　nature。　　He　particularly　desired　to　know
what　my　trouble　was。　　I　explained　to　him　that　I　couldn't　tell　him
he　would　have　to　see　Doctor　X　or　Doctor　Z；　they　probably　knew；
but　were　keeping　it　a　secret　between　themselves。

The　answer　apparently　satisfied　him；　because　immediately　after
that　he　made　me　sign　a　paper　in　which　I　assumed　all　responsibility
for　what　was　to　take　place　the　next　morning。

This　did　not　seem　exactly　fair。　　As　I　pointed　out　to　him；　it　was
the　surgeon's　affair；　not　mine；　and　if　the　surgeon　made　a　mistake
the　joke　would　be　on　him　and　not　on　me；　because　in　that　case　I
would　not　be　here　anyhow。　　But　I　signed；　as　requested；　on　the
dotted　line；　and　he　departed。

After　that；　at　intervals；　the　chief　house　surgeon　dropped　in；
without　knocking；　and　the　head　nurse　came；　and　an　interne　or　so；
and　a　ward　nurse；　and　the　special　nurse　who　was　to　have　direct
charge　of　me。　　It　dawned　on　me　that　I　was　not　having　any　more
privacy　in　that　hospital　than　a　goldfish。

About　eleven　o'clock　an　orderly　came；　and；　without　consulting　my
wishes　in　the　matter；　he　undressed　me　until　I　could　have　passed
almost　anywhere　for　September　Morn's　father；　and　gave　me　a　clean
shave；　twice　over；　on　one　of　my　most　prominent　plane　surfaces。　　I
must　confess　I　enjoyed　that　part　of　it。　　So　far　as　I　am　able　to
recall；　it　was　the　only　shave　I　have　ever　had　where　the　operator
did　not　spray　me　with　cheap　perfumery　afterward　and　then　try　to
sell　me　a　bottle　of　hair　tonic。

Having　shaved　me；　the　young　man　did　me　up　amidships　in　a　neat
cloth　parcel；　took　his　kit　under　his　arm　and　went　away。

It　occurred　to　me　that；　considering　the　trivial　nature　of　the　case；
a　good　deal　of　fuss　was　being　made　over　me　by　persons　who　could
have　no　personal　concern　in　the　matter　whatsoever。　　This　thought
recurred　to　me　frequently　as　I　lay　there　all　tied　in　a　bundle　like
a　week's　washing。　　I　did　not　feel　quite　so　uppish　as　I　had　felt。
Why　was　everybody　picking　on　me？

Anon　I　slept；　but　dreamed　fitfully。　　I　dreamed　that　a　whole　flock
of　surgeons　came　to　my　bedside　and　charted　me　out　in　sections；
like　one　of　those　diagram　pictures　you　see　of　a　beef　in　the　Handy
Compendium　of　Universal　Knowledge；　showing　the　various　cuts　and
the　butcher's　pet　name　for　each　cut。　　Each　man　took　his　favorite
joint　and　carried　it　away；　and　when　they　were　all　gone　I　was　merely
a　recent　site；　full　of　reverberating　echoes　and　nothing　else。

I　have　had　happier　dreams　in　my　time；　this　was　not　the　kind　of
dream　I　should　have　selected　had　the　choice　been　left　to　me。

When　I　woke　the　young　sun　was　shining　in　at　the　window；　and　an
orderlynot　the　orderly　who　had　shaved　me；　but　another　onewas
there　in　my　room　and　my　nurse　was　waiting　outside　the　door。　　The
orderly　dressed　me　in　a　quaint　suit　of　pyjamas　cut　on　the　half
shell　and　buttoning　stylishly　in　the　back；　princesse　mode。　　Then
he　rolled　in　a　flat　litter　on　wheels　and　stretched　me　on　it；　and
covered　me　up　with　a　white　tablecloth；　just　as　though　I　had　been
cold　Sunday…night　supper；　and　we　started　for　the　operating…room
at　the　top　of　the　building；　but　before　we　started　I　lit　a　large
black　cigar；　as　Gen。　U。　S。　Grant　used　to　do　when　he　went　into
battle。　　I　wished　by　this　to　show　how　indifferent　I　was。　　Maybe
he　fooled　somebody；　but　I　do　not　believe　I　possess　the　same　powers
of　simulation　that　Grant　had。　　He　must　have　been　a　very　remarkable
manGrant　must。

The　orderly　and　the　nurse　trundled　me　out　into　the　hall　and　loaded
me　into　an　elevator；　which　was　to　carry　us　up　to　the　top　of　the
hospital。　　Several　other　nurses　were　already　in　the　elevator。　　As
we　came　aboard　one　of　them　remarked　that　it　was　a　fine　day。　　A
fine　day　for　what？　　She　did　not　finish　the　sentence。

Everybody　wore　a　serious　look。　　Inside　of　myself　I　felt　pretty
serious　tooserious　enough　for　ten　or　twelve。　　I　had　meant　to
fling　off　several　very　bright；　spontaneous　quips　on　the　way　to
the　table。　　I　thought　them　out　in　advance；　but　now；　somehow；　none
of　them　seemed　appropriate。　　Instinctively；　as　it　were；　I　felt
that　humor　was　out　of　place　here。

I　never　knew　an　elevator　to　progress　from　the　third　floor　of　a
building　to　the　ninth　with　such　celerity　as　this　one　on　which　we
were　traveling　progressed。　　Personally　I　was　in　no　mood　for　haste。
If　there　was　anyone　else　in　all　that　great　hospital　who　was　in　a
particular　hurry　to　be　operated　on　I　was　perfectly　willing　to　wait。
But　alas；　no！　　The　mechanism　of　the　elevator　was　in　perfect　order
entirely　too　perfect。　　No　accident　of　any　character　whatsoever
befell　us　en　route；　no　dropping　back　into　the　basement　with　a　low；
grateful　thud；　no　hitch；　no　delay　of　any　kind。　　We　were　certainly
out　of　luck　that　trip。　　The　demon　of　a　joyrider　who　operated　the
accursed　device　jerked　a　lever　and　up　we　soared　at　a　distressingly
high　rate　of　speed。　　If　I　could　have　had　my　way　about　that　youth
he　would　have　been　arrested　for　speeding。

Now　we　were　there！　They　rolled　into　a　large　room；　all　white；　with
a　rounded　ceiling　like　the　inside　of　an　egg。　　Right　away　I　knew
what　the　feelings　of　a　poor；　lonely　little　yolk　are　when　the　spoon
begins　to　chip　the　shell。　　If　I　had　not　been　so　busy　feeling　sorry
for　myself　I　think　I　might　have　developed　quite　an　active　sympathy
for　yolks。

My　impression　had　been　that　this　was　to　be　in　the　nature　of　a
private　affair；　without　invitations。　　I　was　astonished　to　note
that　quite　a　crowd　had　assembled　for　the　opening　exercises。　　From
his　attire　and　general　deportment　I　judged　that　Doctor　Z　was　going
to　be　the　master　of　the　revels；　he　being　attired　appropriately　in
a　white　domino；　with　rubber　gloves　and　a　fancy　cap　of　crash　toweling。
There　were　present；　also；　my　diagnostic　friend；　Doctor　X；　likewise
in　fancy…dress　costume；　and　a　surgeon　I　had　never　met。　　From　what
I　could　gather　he　was　goin