the forged coupon()-第23章
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to live on with this secret； with occasional meetings； and merely
corresponding with him； all hidden from her family； was agonising； and
she insisted again that he must take her away。 At first； when she returned
to St。 Petersburg； be wrote promising to come； and then letters ceased and
she knew no more of him。
She tried to lead her old life； but it was impossible。 She fell ill； and the
efforts of the doctors were unavailing； in her hopelessness she resolved to
kill herself。 But how was she to do this； so that her death might seem
natural？ She really desired to take her life； and imagined that she had
irrevocably decided on the step。 So； obtaining some poison； she poured
it into a glass； and in another instant would have drunk it； had not her
sister's little son of five at that very moment run in to show her a toy his
grandmother had given him。 She caressed the child； and； suddenly
stopping short； burst into tears。
The thought overpowered her that she； too； might have been a mother
had he not been married； and this vision of motherhood made her look into
her own soul for the first time。 She began to think not of what others
would say of her； but of her own life。 To kill oneself because of what the
world might say was easy； but the moment she saw her own life
dissociated from the world； to take that life was out of the question。 She
threw away the poison； and ceased to think of suicide。
Then her life within began。 It was real life； and despite the torture of
it； had the possibility been given her； she would not have turned back from
it。 She began to pray； but there was no comfort in prayer； and her suffering
was less for herself than for her father； whose grief she foresaw and
understood。
Thus months dragged along； and then something happened which
entirely transformed her life。 One day； when she was at work upon a
quilt； she suddenly experienced a strange sensation。 Noit seemed
impossible。 Motionless she sat with her work in hand。 Was it possible
that this was IT。 Forgetting everything； his baseness and deceit； her
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mother's querulousness； and her father's sorrow； she smiled。 She
shuddered at the recollection that she was on the point of killing it；
together with herself。
She now directed all her thoughts to getting awaysomewhere where
she could bear her childand become a miserable； pitiful mother； but a
mother withal。 Somehow she planned and arranged it all； leaving her
home and settling in a distant provincial town； where no one could find
her； and where she thought she would be far from her people。 But；
unfortunately； her father's brother received an appointment there； a thing
she could not possibly foresee。 For four months she had been living in the
house of a midwife one Maria Ivanovna； and； on learning that her uncle
had come to the town； she was preparing to fly to a still remoter hiding…
place。
III
MICHAEL IVANOVICH awoke early next morning。 He entered his
brother's study； and handed him the cheque； filled in for a sum which he
asked him to pay in monthly instalments to his daughter。 He inquired
when the express left for St。 Petersburg。 The train left at seven in the
evening； giving him time for an early dinner before leaving。 He
breakfasted with his sister…in…law； who refrained from mentioning the
subject which was so painful to him； but only looked at him timidly； and
after breakfast he went out for his regular morning walk。
Alexandra Dmitrievna followed him into the hall。
〃Go into the public gardens； Michaelit is very charming there； and
quite near to Everything；〃 said she； meeting his sombre looks with a
pathetic glance。
Michael Ivanovich followed her advice and went to the public gardens；
which were so near to Everything； and meditated with annoyance on the
stupidity； the obstinacy； and heartlessness of women。
〃She is not in the very least sorry for me；〃 he thought of his sister…in…
law。 〃She cannot even understand my sorrow。 And what of her？〃 He was
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thinking of his daughter。 〃She knows what all this means to methe
torture。 What a blow in one's old age！ My days will be shortened by it！
But I'd rather have it over than endure this agony。 And all that 'pour les
beaux yeux d'un chenapan'oh！〃 he moaned； and a wave of hatred and
fury arose in him as he thought of what would be said in the town when
every one knew。 （And no doubt every one knew already。） Such a feeling of
rage possessed him that he would have liked to beat it into her head； and
make her understand what she had done。 These women never understand。
〃It is quite near Everything；〃 suddenly came to his mind； and getting out
his notebook； he found her address。 Vera Ivanovna Silvestrova；
Kukonskaya Street； Abromov's house。 She was living under this name。
He left the gardens and called a cab。
〃Whom do you wish to see； sir？〃 asked the midwife； Maria Ivanovna；
when he stepped on the narrow landing of the steep； stuffy staircase。
〃Does Madame Silvestrova live here？〃
〃Vera Ivanovna？ Yes； please come in。 She has gone out； she's gone
to the shop round the corner。 But she'll be back in a minute。〃
Michael Ivanovich followed the stout figure of Maria Ivanovna into a
tiny parlour； and from the next room came the screams of a baby； sounding
cross and peevish； which filled him with disgust。 They cut him like a
knife。
Maria Ivanovna apologised； and went into the room； and he could hear
her soothing the child。 The child became quiet； and she returned。
〃That is her baby； she'll be back in a minute。 You are a friend of hers；
I suppose？〃
〃Yesa friendbut I think I had better come back later on；〃 said
Michael Ivanovich； preparing to go。 It was too unbearable； this
preparation to meet her； and any explanation seemed impossible。
He had just turned to leave； when he heard quick； light steps on the
stairs； and he recognised Lisa's voice。
〃Maria Ivanovnahas he been crying while I've been goneI was〃
Then she saw her father。 The parcel she was carrying fell from her
hands。
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〃Father！〃 she cried； and stopped in the doorway； white and trembling。
He remained motionless； staring at her。 She had grown so thin。 Her
eyes were larger； her nose sharper； her hands worn and bony。 He neither
knew what to do； nor what to say。 He forgot all his grief about his
dishonour。 He only felt sorrow； infinite sorrow for her； sorrow for her
thinness； and for her miserable rough clothing； and most of all； for her
pitiful face and imploring eyes。
〃Fatherforgive；〃 she said； moving towards him。
〃Forgiveforgive me；〃 he murmured； and he began to sob like a child；
kissing her face and hands； and wetting them with his tears。
In his pity for her he understood himself。 And when he saw himself
as he was； he realised how he had wronged her； how guilty he had been in
his pride； in his coldness； even in his anger towards her。 He was glad that
it was he who was guilty； and that he had nothing to forgive； but that he
himself needed forgiveness。 She took him to her tiny room； and told him
how she lived； but she did not show him the child； nor did she mention the
past； knowing how painful it would be to him。
He told her that she must live differently。
〃Yes； if I could only live in the country；〃 said she。
〃We will talk it over；〃 he said。 Suddenly the child began to wail and
to scream。 She opened her eyes very wide； and； not taking them from her
father's face； remained hesitating and motionless。
〃WellI suppose you must feed him；〃 said Michael Ivanovich； and
frowned with the obvious effort。
She got up； and suddenly the wild idea seized her to show him whom
she loved so deeply the thing she now loved best of all in the world。 But
first she looked at her father's face。 Would he be angry or not？ His face
revealed no anger； only suffering。
〃Yes； go； go；〃 said he； 〃God bless you。 Yes。 I'll come again to…
morrow； and we will decide。 Good…bye； my darling good…bye。〃 Again
he found it hard to swallow the lump in his throat。
When Michael Ivanovich returned to his brother's house； Alexandra
Dmitrievna immediately rushed to him。
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〃Well？〃
〃Well？ Nothing。〃
〃Have you seen？〃 she asked； guessing from his expression that
something had happened。
〃Yes；〃 he answered shortly； and began to cry。 〃I'm getting old and
stupid；〃 said he； mastering his emotion。
〃No； you are growing wisevery wise。〃
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THERE ARE NO GUILTY
PEOPLE
I
MINE is a strange and wonderful lot！ The chances are that there is
not a single wretched beggar suffering under the luxury and oppression of
the rich who feels anything like as keenly as I do either the injustice； the
cruelty； and the horror of their oppression of and contempt
