the professor at the breakfast table-第27章

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these　odd　sounds　coming　from　the　Little　Gentleman's　chamber

sometimes　make　me　nervous；　so　that　I　cannot　get　to　sleep；　it　is　not

because　I　suppose　he　is　engaged　in　any　unlawful　or　mysterious　way。

The　only　wicked　suggestion　that　ever　came　into　my　head　was　one　that

was　founded　on　the　landlady's　story　of　his　having　a　pile　of　gold；　it

was　a　ridiculous　fancy；　besides；　I　suspect　the　story　of　sweating

gold　was　only　one　of　the　many　fables　got　up　to　make　the　Jews　odious

and　afford　a　pretext　for　plundering　them。　　As　for　the　sound　like　a

woman　laughing　and　crying；　I　never　said　it　was　a　woman's　voice；　for；

in　the　first　place；　I　could　only　hear　indistinctly；　and；　secondly；

he　may　have　an　organ；　or　some　queer　instrument　or　other；　with　what

they　call　the　vox　humana　stop。　　If　he　moves　his　bed　round　to　get

away　from　the　window；　or　for　any　such　reason；　there　is　nothing　very

frightful　in　that　simple　operation。　　Most　of　our　foolish　conceits

explain　themselves　in　some　such　simple　way。　　And；　yet；　for　all　that；

I　confess；　that；　when　I　woke　up　the　other　evening；　and　heard；　first

a　sweet　complaining　cry；　and　then　footsteps；　and　then　the　dragging

sound；nothing　but　his　bed；　I　am　quite　sure；I　felt　a　stirring　in

the　roots　of　my　hair　as　the　feasters　did　in　Keats's　terrible　poem　of

〃Lamia。〃



There　is　nothing　very　odd　in　my　feeling　nervous　when　I　happen　to　lie

awake　and　get　listening　for　sounds。　　Just　keep　your　ears　open　any

time　after　midnight；　when　you　are　lying　in　bed　in　a　lone　attic　of　a

dark　night。　　What　horrid；　strange；　suggestive；　unaccountable　noises

you　will　hear！　　The　stillness　of　night　is　a　vulgar　error。　　All　the

dead　things　seem　to　be　alive。　　Crack！　　That　is　the　old　chest　of

drawers；　you　never　hear　it　crack　in　the　daytime。　　Creak！　　There's　a

door　ajar；　you　know　you　shut　them　all。



Where　can　that　latch　be　that　rattles　so？　　Is　anybody　trying　it

softly？　　or；　worse　than　any　body；　is？　　（Cold　shiver。）　Then　a

sudden　gust　that　jars　all　the　windows；very　strange！there　does

not　seem　to　be　any　wind　about　that　it　belongs　to。　　When　it　stops；

you　hear　the　worms　boring　in　the　powdery　beams　overhead。　　Then　steps

outside；a　stray　animal；　no　doubt。　　All　right；but　a　gentle

moisture　breaks　out　all　over　you；　and　then　something　like　a　whistle

or　a　cry；another　gust　of　wind；　perhaps；　that　accounts　for　the

rustling　that　just　made　your　heart　roll　over　and　tumble　about；　so

that　it　felt　more　like　a　live　rat　under　your　ribs　than　a　part　of

your　own　body；　then　a　crash　of　something　that　has　fallen；blown

over；　very　likely　Pater　noster；　qui　es　in　coelis！　for　you　are

damp　and　cold；　and　sitting　bolt　upright；　and　the　bed　trembling　so

that　the　death…watch　is　frightened　and　has　stopped　ticking！



No；night　is　an　awful　time　for　strange　noises　and　secret　doings。

Who　ever　dreamed；　till　one　of　our　sleepless　neighbors　told　us　of　it；

of　that　Walpurgis　gathering　of　birds　and　beasts　of　prey；foxes；　and

owls；　and　crows；　and　eagles；　that　come　from　all　the　country　round　on

moonshiny　nights　to　crunch　the　clams　and　muscles；　and　pick　out　the

eyes　of　dead　fishes　that　the　storm　has　thrown　on　Chelsea　Beach？　　Our

old　mother　Nature　has　pleasant　and　cheery　tones　enough　for　us　when

she　comes　in　her　dress　of　blue　and　gold　over　the　eastern　hill…tops；

but　when　she　follows　us　up…stairs　to　our　beds　in　her　suit　of　black

velvet　and　diamonds；　every　creak　of　her　sandals　and　every　whisper　of

her　lips　is　full　of　mystery　and　fear。



You　understand；　then；　distinctly；　that　I　do　not　believe　there　is

anything　about　this　singular　little　neighbor　of　mine　which　is　as　it

should　not　be。　　Probably　a　visit　to　his　room　would　clear　up　all　that

has　puzzled　me；　and　make　me　laugh　at　the　notions　which　began；　I

suppose；　in　nightmares；　and　ended　by　keeping　my　imagination　at　work

so　as　almost　to　make　me　uncomfortable　at　times。　　But　it　is　not　so

easy　to　visit　him　as　some　of　our　other　boarders；　for　various　reasons

which　I　will　not　stop　to　mention。　　I　think　some　of　them　are　rather

pleased　to　get　〃the　Professor〃　under　their　ceilings。



The　young　man　John；　for　instance；　asked　me　to　come　up　one　day　and

try　some　〃old　Burbon；〃　which　he　said　was　A　1。　　On　asking　him　what

was　the　number　of　his　room；　he　answered；　that　it　was　forty…'leven；

sky…parlor　floor；　but　that　I　shouldn't　find　it；　if　he　did　n't　go

ahead　to　show　me　the　way。　　I　followed　him　to　his　habitat；　being　very

willing　to　see　in　what　kind　of　warren　he　burrowed；　and　thinking　I

might　pick　up　something　about　the　boarders　who　had　excited　my

curiosity。



Mighty　close　quarters　they　were　where　the　young　man　John　bestowed

himself　and　his　furniture；　this　last　consisting　of　a　bed；　a　chair；　a

bureau；　a　trunk；　and　numerous　pegs　with　coats　and　〃pants〃　and

〃vests；〃as　he　was　in　the　habit　of　calling　waist…coats　and

pantaloons　or　trousers；hanging　up　as　if　the　owner　had　melted　out

of　them。　　Several　prints　were　pinned　up　unframed；among　them　that

grand　national　portrait…piece；　〃Barnum　presenting　Ossian　E。　Dodge　to

Jenny　Lind；〃　and　a　picture　of　a　famous　trot；　in　which　I　admired　anew

the　cabalistic　air　of　that　imposing　array　of　expressions；　and

especially　the　Italicized　word；　〃Dan　Mace　names　b。　h。　Major　Slocum；〃

and　〃Hiram　Woodruff　names　g。　m。　Lady　Smith。〃　　〃Best　three　in　five。

Time：　2。40；　2。46；　2。50。〃



That　set　me　thinking　how　very　odd　this　matter　of　trotting　horses　is；

as　an　index　of　the　mathematical　exactness　of　the　laws　of　living

mechanism。　　I　saw　Lady　Suffolk　trot　a　mile　in　2。26。　　Flora　Temple

has　trotted　close　down　to　2。20；　and　Ethan　Allen　in　2。25；　or　less。

Many　horses　have　trotted　their　mile　under　2。30；　none　that　I　remember

in　public　as　low　down　as　2。20。　　From　five　to　ten　seconds；　then；　in

about　a　hundred　and　sixty　is　the　whole　range　of　the　maxima　of　the

present　race　of　trotting　horses。　　The　same　thing　is　seen　in　the

running　of　men。　　Many　can　run　a　mile　in　five　minutes；　but　when　one

comes　to　the　fractions　below；　they　taper　down　until　somewhere　about

4。30　the　maximum　is　reached。　　Averages　of　masses　have　been　studied

more　than　averages　of　maxima　and　minima。　　We　know　from　the

Registrar…General's　Reports；　that　a　certain　number　of　childrensay

from　one　to　two　dozendie　every　year　in　England　from　drinking　hot

water　out　of　spouts　of　teakettles。　　We　know；　that；　among　suicides；

women　and　men　past　a　certain　age　almost　never　use　fire…arms。　　A

woman　who　has　made　up　her　mind　to　die　is　still　afraid　of　a　pistol　or

a　gun。　　Or　is　it　that　the　explosion　would　derange　her　costume？



I　say；　averages　of　masses　we　have；　but　our　tables　of　maxima　we　owe

to　the　sporting　men　more　than　to　the　philosophers。　　The　lesson　their

experience　teaches　is；　that　Nature　makes　no　leaps；does　nothing　per

saltum。　　The　greatest　brain　that　ever　lived；　no　doubt；　was　only　a

small　fraction　of　an　idea　ahead　of　the　second　best。　　Just　look　at

the　chess…players。　　Leaving　out　the　phenomenal　exceptions；　the　nice

shades　that　separate　the　skilful　ones　show　how　closely　their　brains

approximate；almost　as　closely　as　chronometers。　　Such　a　person　is　a

〃knight…player；〃he　must　have　that　piece　given　him。　　Another　must

have　two　pawns。　　Another；　〃pawn　and　two；〃　or　one　pawn　and　two　moves。

Then　we　find　one　who　claims　〃pawn　and　move；〃　holding　himself；　with

this　fractional　advantage；　a　match　for　one　who　would　be　pretty　sure

to　beat　him　playing　even。　So　much　are　minds　alike；　and　you　and　I

think　we　are　〃peculiar；〃that　Nature　broke　her　jelly…mould　after

shaping　our　cerebral　convolutions。　　So　I　reflected；　standing　and

looking　at　the　picture。



I　say；　Governor；broke　in　the　young　man　John；them　bosses　'11

stay　jest　as　well；　if　you'll　only　set　down。　　I've　had　'em　this　year；

and　they　haven't　stirred。　He　spoke；　and　handed　the　chair　towards

me；seating　himself；　at　the　same　time；　on　the　end　of　the　bed。



You　have　lived　in　this　house　some　time？I　said；with　a　note　of

interrogation　at　the　end　of　the　statement。



Do　I　look　as　if　I'd　lost　much　fleshsaid　he；　answering　my　question

by　another。



No；said　I；for　that　matter；　I　think　you　do　credit　to　〃the

bountifully　furnished　table　of　the　excellent　lady　who　provides　so

liberally　for　the　company　that　meets　around　her　hospitable　board。〃



＇The　sentence　in　quotation…marks　was　from　one　of　those　disinterested

editorials　in　small　type；　which　I　suspect　to　have　been　furnished　by

a　friend　of　the　landlady's；　and　paid　for　as　an　advertisement。　　This

impartial　testimony　to　the　superior　qualities　of　the　establishment

and　its　head　attracted　a　number　of　applicants　for　admission；　and　a

couple　of　new　boarders　made　a　brief　appearance　at　the　table。　　One　of

them　was　of　the　class　of　people　who　grumble　if　they　don't　get

canvas…backs　and　woodcocks　every　day；　for　three…fifty　per　week。　　The

other　was　subject　to　somnambulism；　or　walking　in　the　night；　when　he

ought　to　have　been　asleep　in　his　bed。　　In　this　state　he　walked　into

several　of　the　boarders'　chambers；　his　eyes　wide　open；　as　is　usual

with　somnambulists；　and；　from　some　odd　instinct　or　other；　wishing　to

know　what　the　hour　was；　got　together　a　number　of　their　watches；　for

the　purpose　of　comparing　them；　as　it　would　seem。　　Among　them　was　a

repeater；　belonging　to　our　young　Marylander。　　He　happened　to　wake　up

while　the　somnambulist　was　in　his　chamber；　and；　not　knowing　his

infirmity；　caught　hold　of　him　and　gave　him　a　dreadful　shaking；　after

which　he　tied　his　hands　and　feet；　and　so　left　him　till　morning；　when

he　introduced　him　to　a　gentleman　used　to　taking　care　of　such　cases

of　somnambulism。＇



If　you；　my　reader；　will　please　to　skip　backward；　over　this

parenthesis；　you　will　come　to　our　conversation；　which　it　has

interrupted。



It　a'n't　the　feed；said　the　young　man　John；it's　the　old　woman's

looks　when　a　fellah　lays　it　in　too　strong。　　The　feed's　well　enough。

After　geese　have　got　tough；　'n'　turkeys　have　got　strong；　'n'　lamb's

got　old；　'n'　veal's　pretty　nigh　beef；　'n'　sparragrass　's　growin'

tall　'n'　slim　'n'　scattery　about　the　head；　'n'　green　peas　are

gettin'　so　big　'n'　hard　they'd　be　dangerous　if　you　fired　'em　out　of

a　revolver；　we　get　hold　of　all　them　delicacies　of　the　season。　　But

it's　too　much　like　feedin'　on　live　folks　and　devourin'　widdah's

substance；　to　lay　yourself　out　in　the　eatin'　way；　when　a　fellah　's

as　hungry　as　the　chap　that　said　a　turkey　was　too　much　for　one　'n'

not　enough　for　two。　　I　can't　help　lookin'　at　the　old　woman。　　Corned…

beef…days　she's　tolerable　calm。　　Roastin'…days　she　worries　some；　'n'

keeps　a　sharp　eye　on　the　chap　that　carves。　　But　when　there's

anything　in　the　poultry　line；　it　seems　to　hurt　her　feelin's　so　to

see　the　knife　goin'　into　the　breast　and　joints　comin'　to　pieces；

that　there's　no　comfort　in　eatin'。　　When　I　cut　up　an　old　fowl　and

help　the　boarders；　I　always　feel　as　if　I　ought　to　say；　Won't　you

have　a　slice　of　widdah？instead　of　chicken。



The　young　man　John　fell　into　a　train　of　reflections　which　ended　in

his　producing　a　Bologna　sausage；　a　plate　of　〃crackers；〃　as　we　Boston

folks　call　certa