the professor at the breakfast table-第19章

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The　idea　that　you　must　pull　out　every　one　of　every　nice　young　man　and

young　woman's　natural　teeth！　　Poh；　poh！　　Nobody　believes　that。　　This

tooth　must　be　straightened；　that　must　be　filled　with　gold；　and　this

other　perhaps　extracted；　but　it　must　be　a　very　rare　case；　if　they　are

all　so　bad　as　to　require　extraction；　and　if　they　are；　don't　blame　the

poor　soul　for　it！　　Don't　tell　us；　as　some　old　dentists　used　to；　that

everybody　not　only　always　has　every　tooth　in　his　head　good　for

nothing；　but　that　he　ought　to　have　his　head　cut　off　as　a　punishment

for　that　misfortune！　　No；　I　can't　sign　Number　One。　　Give　us　Number

Two。



II。　　We　hold　that　no　man　can　be　well　who　does　not　agree　with　our

views　of　the　efficacy　of　calomel；　and　who　does　not　take　the　doses　of

it　prescribed　in　our　tables；　as　there　directed。



To　which　I　demur；　questioning　why　it　should　be　so；　and　get　for　answer

the　two　following：



III。　　Every　man　who　does　not　take　our　prepared　calomel；　as　prescribed

by　us　in　our　Constitution　and　By…Laws；　is　and　must　be　a　mass　of

disease　from　head　to　foot；　it　being　self…evident　that　he　is

simultaneously　affected　with　Apoplexy；　Arthritis；　Ascites；　Asphyxia；

and　Atrophy；　with　Borborygmus；　Bronchitis；　and　Bulimia；　with

Cachexia；　Carcinoma；　and　Cretinismus；　and　so　on　through　the　alphabet；

to　Xerophthahnia　and　Zona；　with　all　possible　and　incompatible

diseases　which　are　necessary　to　make　up　a　totally　morbid　state；　and

he　will　certainly　die；　if　he　does　not　take　freely　of　our　prepared

calomel；　to　be　obtained　only　of　one　of　our　authorized　agents。



IV。　　No　man　shall　be　allowed　to　take　our　prepared　calomel　who　does

not　give　in　his　solemn　adhesion　to　each　and　all　of　the　above…named

and　the　following　propositions　（from　ten　to　a　hundred）　and　show　his

mouth　to　certain　of　our　apothecaries；　who　have　not　studied　dentistry；

to　examine　whether　all　his　teeth　have　been　extracted　and　a　new　set

inserted　according　to　our　regulations。



Of　course；　the　doctors　have　a　right　to　say　we　sha'n't　have　any

rhubarb；　if　we　don't　sign　their　articles；　and　that；　if；　after　signing

them；　we　express　doubts　（in　public；　about　any　of　them；　they　will　cut

us　off　from　our　jalap　and　squills；but　then　to　ask　a　fellow　not　to

discuss　the　propositions　before　he　signs　them　is　what　I　should　call

boiling　it　down　a　little　too　strong！



If　we　understand　them；　why　can't　we　discuss　them？　　If　we　can't

understand　them；　because　we　have　n't　taken　a　medical　degree；　what　the

Father　of　Lies　do　they　ask　us　to　sign　them　for？



Just　so　with　the　graver　profession。　　Every　now　and　then　some　of　its

members　seem　to　lose　common　sense　and　common　humanity。　　The　laymen

have　to　keep　setting　the　divines　right　constantly。　　Science；　for

instance；in　other　words；　knowledge；is　not　the　enemy　of　religion；

for；　if　so；　then　religion　would　mean　ignorance：　But　it　is　often　the

antagonist　of　school…divinity。



Everybody　knows　the　story　of　early　astronomy　and　the　school…divines。

Come　down　a　little　later；　Archbishop　Usher；　a　very　learned　Protestant

prelate；　tells　us　that　the　world　was　created　on　Sunday；　the　twenty…

third　of　October；　four　thousand　and　four　years　before　the　birth　of

Christ。　　Deluge；　December　7th；　two　thousand　three　hundred　and　forty…

eight　years　B。　C。　　Yes；　and　the　earth　stands　on　an　elephant；　and　the

elephant　on　a　tortoise。　　One　statement　is　as　near　the　truth　as　the

other。



Again；　there　is　nothing　so　brutalizing　to　some　natures　as　moral


surgery。　　I　have　often　wondered　that　Hogarth　did　not　add　one　more

picture　to　his　four　stages　of　Cruelty。　　Those　wretched　fools；

reverend　divines　and　others；　who　were　strangling　men　and　women　for

imaginary　crimes　a　little　more　than　a　century　ago　among　us；　were　set

right　by　a　layman；　and　very　angry　it　made　them　to　have　him　meddle。



The　good　people　of　Northampton　had　a　very　remarkable　man　for　their

clergyman；a　man　with　a　brain　as　nicely　adjusted　for　certain

mechanical　processes　as　Babbage's　calculating　machine。　　The

commentary　of　the　laymen　on　the　preaching　and　practising　of　Jonathan

Edwards　was；　that；　after　twenty…three　years　of　endurance；　they　turned

him　out　by　a　vote　of　twenty　to　one；　and　passed　a　resolve　that　he

should　never　preach　for　them　again。　　A　man's　logical　and　analytical

adjustments　are　of　little　consequence；　compared　to　his　primary

relations　with　Nature　and　truth：　and　people　have　sense　enough　to　find

it　out　in　the　long　ran；　they　know　what　〃logic〃　is　worth。



In　that　miserable　delusion　referred　to　above；　the　reverend　Aztecs　and

Fijians　argued　rightly　enough　from　their　premises；　no　doubt；　for　many

men　can　do　this。　　But　common　sense　and　common　humanity　were

unfortunately　left　out　from　their　premises；　and　a　layman　had　to

supply　them。　　A　hundred　more　years　and　many　of　the　barbarisms　still

lingering　among　us　will；　of　course；　have　disappeared　like　witch…

hanging。　　But　people　are　sensitive　now；　as　they　were　then。　　You　will

see　by　this　extract　that　the　Rev。　Cotton　Mather　did　not　like

intermeddling　with　his　business　very　well。



〃Let　the　Levites　of　the　Lord　keep　close　to　their　Instructions；〃　he

says；　〃and　God　will　smite　thro'　the　loins　of　those　that　rise　up

against　them。　　I　will　report　unto　you　a　Thing　which　many　Hundreds

among　us　know　to　be　true。　　The　Godly　Minister　of　a　certain　Town　in

Connecticut；　when　he　had　occasion　to　be　absent　on　a　Lord's　Day　from

his　Flock；　employ'd　an　honest　Neighbour　of　some　small　Talents　for　a

Mechanick；　to　read　a　Sermon　out　of　some　good　Book　unto　'em。　　This

Honest；　whom　they　ever　counted　also　a　Pious　Man；　had　so　much　conceit

of　his　Talents；　that　instead　of　Reading　a　Sermon　appointed；　he　to　the

Surprize　of　the　People；　fell　to　preaching　one　of　his　own。　　For　his

Text　he　took　these　Words；　'Despise　not　Prophecyings'；　and　in　his

Preachment　he　betook　himself　to　bewail　the　Envy　of　the　Clergy　in　the

Land；　in　that　they　did　not　wish　all　the　Lord's　People　to　be　Prophets；

and　call　forth　Private　Brethren　publickly　to　prophesie。　　While　he　was

thus　in　the　midst　of　his　Exercise；　God　smote　him　with　horrible

Madness；　he　was　taken　ravingly　distracted；　the　People　were　forc'd

with　violent　Hands　to　carry　him　home。　　I　will　not　mention　his　Name：

He　was　reputed　a　Pious　Man。〃This　is　one　of　Cotton　Mather's

〃Remarkable　Judgments　of　God；　on　Several　Sorts　of　Offenders；〃and

the　next　cases　referred　to　are　the　Judgments　on　the　〃　Abominable

Sacrilege〃　of　not　paying　the　Ministers'　Salaries。



This　sort　of　thing　does　n't　do　here　and　now；　you　see；　my　young

friend！　　We　talk　about　our　free　institutions；they　are　nothing　but　a

coarse　outside　machinery　to　secure　the　freedom　of　individual　thought。

The　President　of　the　United　States　is　only　the　engine　driver　of　our

broad…gauge　mail…train；　and　every　honest；　independent　thinker　has　a

seat　in　the　first…class　cars　behind　him。



There　is　something　in　what　you　say；replied　the　divinity…student；…

…and　yet　it　seems　to　me　there　are　places　and　times　where　disputed

doctrines　of　religion　should　not　be　introduced。　　You　would　not　attack

a　church　dogmasay　Total　Depravityin　a　lyceum…lecture；　for

instance？



Certainly　not；　I　should　choose　another　place；I　answered。　But；

mind　you；　at　this　table　I　think　it　is　very　different。　　I　shall

express　my　ideas　on　any　subject　I　like。　　The　laws　of　the　lecture…

room；　to　which　my　friends　and　myself　are　always　amenable；　do　not　hold

here。　　I　shall　not　often　give　arguments；　but　frequently　opinions；I

trust　with　courtesy　and　propriety；　but；　at　any　rate；　with　such

natural　forms　of　expression　as　it　has　pleased　the　Almighty　to　bestow

upon　me。



A　man's　opinions；　look　you；　are　generally　of　much　more　value　than　his

arguments。　　These　last　are　made　by　his　brain；　and　perhaps　he　does　not

believe　the　proposition　they　tend　to　prove；as　is　often　the　case

with　paid　lawyers；　but　opinions　are　formed　by　our　whole　nature；

brain；　heart；　instinct；　brute　life；　everything　all　our　experience　has

shaped　for　us　by　contact　with　the　whole　circle　of　our　being。



There　is　one　thing　more；said　the　divinity…student；that　I　wished

to　speak　of；　I　mean　that　idea　of　yours；　expressed　some　time　since；　of

depolarizing　the　text　of　sacred　books　in　order　to　judge　them　fairly。

May　I　ask　why　you　do　not　try　the　experiment　yourself？



Certainly；I　replied；if　it　gives　you　any　pleasure　to　ask　foolish

questions。　　I　think　the　ocean　telegraph…wire　ought　to　be　laid　and

will　be　laid；　but　I　don't　know　that　you　have　any　right　to　ask　me　to

go　and　lay　it。　　But；　for　that　matter；　I　have　heard　a　good　deal　of

Scripture　depolarized　in　and　out　of　the　pulpit。　　I　heard　the　Rev。

Mr。　F。　once　depolarize　the　story　of　the　Prodigal　Son　in　Park…Street

Church。　　Many　years　afterwards；　I　heard　him　repeat　the　same　or　a

similar　depolarized　version　in　Rome；　New　York。　　I　heard　an　admirable

depolarization　of　the　story　of　the　young　man　who　〃had　great

possessions〃　from　the　Rev。　　Mr。　H。　　in　another　pulpit；　and　felt　that

I　had　never　half　understood　it　before。　　All　paraphrases　are　more　or

less　perfect　depolarizations。　　But　I　tell　you　this：　the　faith　of　our

Christian　community　is　not　robust　enough　to　bear　the　turning　of　our

most　sacred　language　into　its　depolarized　equivalents。　　You　have　only

to　look　back　to　Dr。　Channing's　famous　Baltimore　discourse　and

remember　the　shrieks　of　blasphemy　with　which　it　was　greeted；　to

satisfy　yourself　on　this　point。　　Time；　time　only；　can　gradually　wean

us　from　our　Epeolatry；　or　word…worship；　by　spiritualizing　our　ideas

of　the　thing　signified。　　Man　is　an　idolater　or　symbol…worshipper　by

nature；　which；　of　course；　is　no　fault　of　his；　but　sooner　or　later　all

his　local　and　temporary　symbols　must　be　ground　to　powder；　like　the

golden　calf；word…images　as　well　as　metal　and　wooden　ones。　　Rough

work；　iconoclasm；but　the　only　way　to　get　at　truth。　　It　is；　indeed；

as　that　quaint　and　rare　old　discourse；　〃A　Summons　for　Sleepers；〃　hath

it；　〃no　doubt　a　thankless　office；　and　a　verie　unthriftie　occupation；

veritas　odium　parit；　truth　never　goeth　without　a　scratcht　face；　he

that　will　be　busie　with　voe　vobis；　let　him　looke　shortly　for　coram

nobas。〃



The　very　aim　and　end　of　our　institutions　is　just　this：　that　we　may

think　what　we　like　and　say　what　we　think。



Think　what　we　like！　said　the　divinity…student；think　what　we

like！　　What！　against　all　human　and　divine　authority？



Against　all　human　versions　of　its　own　or　any　other　authority。　　At　our

own　peril　always；　if　we　do　not　like　the　right；but　not　at　the　risk

of　being　hanged　and　quartered　for　political　heresy；　or　broiled　on

green　fagots　for　ecclesiastical　treason！　　Nay；　we　have　got　so　far；

that　the　very　word　heresy　has　fallen　into　comparative　disuse　among

us。



And　now；　my　young　friend；　let…us　shake　hands　and　stop　our　discussion；

which　we　will　not　make　a　quarrel。　　I　trust　you　know；　or　will　learn；　a

great　many　things　in　your　profession　which　we　common　scholars　do　not

know；　but　mark　this：　when　the　common　people　of　New　England　stop

talking　politi