the island pharisees-第33章

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so　bitter；　he　makes　me　feel　unhappy。　　He　never　seems　content　with

anything。　　And　he　despises〃her　face　hardened〃I　mean；　he　hates　us

all！〃



〃So　should　I　if　I　were　he；〃　said　Shelton。



The　boat　was　drifting　on；　and　gleams　of　sunlight　chased　across　their

faces。　　Antonia　spoke　again。



〃He　seems　to　be　always　looking　at　dark　things；　or　else　he　seems　as

ifas　if　he　couldenjoy　himself　too　much。　　I　thoughtI　thought　at

first；〃　she　stammered；　〃that　we　could　do　him　good。〃



〃Do　him　good！　　Ha；　ha！〃



A　startled　rat　went　swimming　for　its　life　against　the　stream；　and

Shelton　saw　that　he　had　done　a　dreadful　thing：　he　had　let　Antonia

with　a　jerk　into　a　secret　not　hitherto　admitted　even　by　himselfthe

secret　that　her　eyes　were　not　his　eyes；　her　way　of　seeing　things　not

his　nor　ever　would　be。　　He　quickly　muffled　up　his　laughter。　　Antonia

had　dropped　her　gaze；　her　face　regained　its　languor；　but　the　bosom　of

her　dress　was　heaving。　　Shelton　watched　her；　racking　his　brains　to

find　excuses　for　that　fatal　laugh；　none　could　he　find。　　It　was　a

little　piece　of　truth。　　He　paddled　slowly　on；　close　to　the　bank；　in

the　long　silence　of　the　river。



The　breeze　had　died　away；　not　a　fish　was　rising；　save　for　the　lost

music　of　the　larks　no　birds　were　piping；　alone；　a　single　pigeon　at

brief　intervals　cooed　from　the　neighbouring　wood。



They　did　not　stay　much　longer　in　the　boat。



On　the　homeward　journey　in　the　pony…cart；　rounding　a　corner　of　the

road；　they　came　on　Ferrand　in　his　pince…nez；　holding　a　cigarette

between　his　fingers　and　talking　to　a　tramp；　who　was　squatting　on　the

bank。　　The　young　foreigner　recognised　them；　and　at　once　removed　his

hat。



〃There　he　is；〃　said　Shelton；　returning　the　salute。



Antonia　bowed。



〃Oh！〃　she；　cried；　when　they　were　out　of　hearing；　〃I　wish　he　'd　go。

I　can't　bear　to　see　him；　it's　like　looking　at　the　dark。〃









CHAPTER　XXIX



ON　THE　WING



That　night；　having　gone　up　to　his　room；　Shelton　filled　his　pipe　for

his　unpleasant　duty。　　He　had　resolved　to　hint　to　Ferrand　that　he　had

better　go。　　He　was　still　debating　whether　to　write　or　go　himself　to

the　young　foreigner；　when　there　came　a　knock　and　Ferrand　himself

appeared。



〃I　should　be　sorry；〃　he　said；　breaking　an　awkward　silence；　〃if　you

were　to　think　me　ungrateful；　but　I　see　no　future　for　me　here。　　It

would　be　better　for　me　to　go。　　I　should　never　be　content　to　pass　my

life　in　teaching　languages　'ce　n'est　guere　dans　mon　caractre'。〃



As　soon　as　what　he　had　been　cudgelling　his　brains　to　find　a　way　of

saying　had　thus　been　said　for　him；　Shelton　experienced　a　sense　of

disapproval。



〃What　do　you　expect　to　get　that's　better？〃　he　said；　avoiding

Ferrand's　eyes。



〃Thanks　to　your　kindness；〃　replied　the　latter；　〃I　find　myself

restored。　　I　feel　that　I　ought　to　make　some　good　efforts　to　dominate

my　social　position。〃



〃I　should　think　it　well　over；　if　I　were　you！〃　said　Shelton。



〃I　have；　and　it　seems　to　me　that　I'm　wasting　my　time。　　For　a　man　with

any　courage　languages　are　no　career；　and；　though　I　've　many　defects；

I　still　have　courage。〃



Shelton　let　his　pipe　go　out；　so　pathetic　seemed　to　him　this　young

man's　faith　in　his　career；　it　was　no　pretended　faith；　but　neither　was

it；　he　felt；　his　true　motive　for　departure。　　〃He's　tired；〃　he

thought；　〃that　's　it。　　Tired　of　one　place。〃　　And　having　the

instinctive　sense　that　nothing　would　keep　Ferrand；　he　redoubled　his

advice。



〃I　should　have　thought；〃　he　said；　〃that　you　would　have　done　better　to

have　held　on　here　and　saved　a　little　before　going　off　to　God　knows

what。〃



〃To　save；〃　said　Ferrand；　〃is　impossible　for　me；　but；　thanks　to　you

and　your　good　friends；　I　've　enough　to　make　front　to　first

necessities。　　I'm　in　correspondence　with　a　friend；　it's　of　great

importance　for　me　to　reach　Paris　before　all　the　world　returns。　　I　've

a　chance　to　get；　a　post　in　one　of　the　West　African　companies。　　One

makes　fortunes　out　thereif　one　survives；　and；　as　you　know；　I　don't

set　too　much　store　by　life。〃



〃We　have　a　proverb；〃　said　Shelton；　〃'A　bird　in　the　hand　is　worth　two

birds　in　the　bush！'〃



〃That；〃　returned　Ferrand；　〃like　all　proverbs；　is　just　half　true。

This　is　an　affair　of　temperament。　　It　's　not　in　my　character　to

dandle　one　when　I　see　two　waiting　to　be　caught；　'voyager；　apprendre；

c'est　plus　fort　que　moi'。〃　　He　paused；　then；　with　a　nervous　goggle　of

the　eyes　and　an　ironic　smile　he　said：　〃Besides；　'mon　cher　monsieur'；

it　is　better　that　I　go。　　I　have　never　been　one　to　hug　illusions；　and

I　see　pretty　clearly　that　my　presence　is　hardly　acceptable　in　this

house。〃



〃What　makes　you　say　that？〃　asked；　Shelton；　feeling　that　the　murder

was　now　out。〃



〃My　dear　sir；　all　the　world　has　not　your　understanding　and　your　lack

of　prejudice；　and；　though　your　friends　have　been　extremely　kind　to

me；　I　am　in　a　false　position；　I　cause　them　embarrassment；　which　is

not　extraordinary　when　you　reflect　what　I　have　been；　and　that　they

know　my　history。〃



〃Not　through　me；〃　said　Shelton　quickly；　〃for　I　don't　know　it　myself。〃



〃It's　enough；〃　the　vagrant　said；　〃that　they　feel　I'm　not　a　bird　of

their　feather。　　They　cannot　change；　neither　can　I。　　I　have　never

wanted　to　remain　where　I　'm　not　welcome。〃



Shelton　turned　to　the　window；　and　stared　into　the　darkness；　he　would

never　quite　understand　this　vagabond；　so　delicate；　so　cynical；　and　he

wondered　if　Ferrand　had　been　swallowing　down　the　words；　〃Why；　even

you　won't　be　sorry　to　see　my　back！〃



〃Well；〃　he　said　at　last；　〃if　you　must　go；　you　must。　　When　do　you

start？〃



〃I　've　arranged　with　a　man　to　carry　my　things　to　the　early　train。　　I

think　it　better　not　to　say　good…bye。　　I　've　written　a　letter　instead；

here　it　is。　　I　left　it　open　for　you　to　read　if　you　should　wish；〃



〃Then；〃　said　Shelton；　with　a　curious　mingling　of　relief；　regret；

good…will；　〃I　sha'n't　see　you　again？〃



Ferrand　gave　his　hand　a　stealthy　rub；　and　held　it　out。



〃I　shall　never　forget　what　you　have　done　for　me；〃　he　said。



〃Mind　you　write；〃　said　Shelton。



〃Yes；　yes〃the；　vagrant's　face　was　oddly　twisted〃you　don't　know

what　a　difference　it　makes　to　have　a　correspondent；　it　gives　one

courage。　　I　hope　to　remain　a　long　time　in　correspondence　with　you。〃



〃I　dare　say　you　do；〃　thought　Shelton　grimly；　with　a　certain　queer

emotion。



〃You　will　do　me　the　justice　to　remember　that　I　have　never　asked　you

for　anything；〃　said　Ferrand。　　〃Thank　you　a　thousand　times。

Good…bye！〃



He　again　wrung　his　patron's　hand　in　his　damp　grasp；　and；　going　out；

left　Shelton　with　an　odd　sensation　in　his　throat。　　〃You　will　do　me

the　justice　to　remember　that　I　have　never　asked　you　for　anything。〃

The　phrase　seemed　strange；　and　his　mind　flew　back　over　all　this　queer

acquaintanceship。　　It　was　a　fact：　from　the　beginning　to　the　end　the

youth　had　never　really　asked　for　anything。　　Shelton　sat　down　on　his

bed；　and　began　to　read　the　letter　in　his　hand。　　It　was　in　French。



DEAR　MADAME　（it　ran）；



It　will　be　insupportable　to　me；　after　your　kindness；　if　you　take　me

for　ungrateful。　　Unfortunately；　a　crisis　has　arrived　which　plunges　me

into　the　necessity　of　leaving　your　hospitality。　　In　all　lives；　as　you

are　well　aware；　there　arise　occasions　that　one　cannot　govern；　and　I

know　that　you　will　pardon　me　that　I　enter　into　no　explanation　on　an

event　which　gives　me　great　chagrin；　and；　above　all；　renders　me

subject　to　an　imputation　of　ingratitude；　which；　believe　me；　dear

Madame；　by　no　means　lies　in　my　character。　　I　know　well　enough　that　it

is　a　breach　of　politeness　to　leave　you　without　in　person　conveying

the　expression　of　my　profound　reconnaissance；　but　if　you　consider　how

hard　it　is　for　me　to　be　compelled　to　abandon　all　that　is　so

distinguished　in　domestic　life；　you　will　forgive　my　weakness。　　People

like　me；　who　have　gone　through　existence　with　their　eyes　open；　have

remarked　that　those　who　are　endowed　with　riches　have　a　right　to　look

down　on　such　as　are　not　by　wealth　and　breeding　fitted　to　occupy　the

same　position。　　I　shall　never　dispute　a　right　so　natural　and

salutary；　seeing　that　without　this　distinction；　this　superiority；

which　makes　of　the　well…born　and　the　well…bred　a　race　apart；　the　rest

of　the　world　would　have　no　standard　by　which　to　rule　their　lives；　no

anchor　to　throw　into　the　depths　of　that　vast　sea　of　fortune　and　of

misfortune　on　which　we　others　drive　before　the　wind。　　It　is　because

of　this；　dear　Madame；　that　I　regard　myself　so　doubly　fortunate　to

have　been　able　for　a　few　minutes　in　this　bitter　pilgrimage　called

life；　to　sit　beneath　the　tree　of　safety。　　To　have　been　able；　if　only

for　an　hour；　to　sit　and　set　the　pilgrims　pass；　the　pilgrims　with　the

blistered　feet　and　ragged　clothes；　and　who　yet；　dear　Madame；　guard

within　their　hearts　a　certain　joy　in　life；　illegal　joy；　like　the

desert　air　which　travellers　will　tell　you　fills　men　as　with　wine　to

be　able　thus　to　sit　an　hour；　and　with　a　smile　to　watch　them　pass；

lame　and　blind；　in　all　the　rags　of　their　deserved　misfortunes；　can

you　not　conceive；　dear　Madame；　how　that　must　be　for　such　as　I　a

comfort？　　Whatever　one　may　say；　it　is　sweet；　from　a　position　of

security；　to　watch　the　sufferings　of　others；　it　gives　one　a　good

sensation　in　the　heart。



In　writing　this；　I　recollect　that　I　myself　once　had　the　chance　of

passing　all　my　life　in　this　enviable　safety；　and　as　you　may　suppose；

dear　Madame；　I　curse　myself　that　I　should　ever　have　had　the　courage

to　step　beyond　the　boundaries　of　this　fine　tranquil　state。　　Yet；　too；

there　have　been　times　when　I　have　asked　myself：　〃Do　we　really　differ

from　the　wealthywe　others；　birds　of　the　fields；　who　have　our　own

philosophy；　grown　from　the　pains　of　needing　breadwe　who　see　that

the　human　heart　is　not　always　an　affair　of　figures；　or　of　those　good

maxims　that　one　finds　in　copy…booksdo　we　really　differ？〃　　It　is

with　shame　that　I　confess　to　have　asked　myself　a　question　so

heretical。　　But　now；　when　for　these　four　weeks　I　have　had　the　fortune

of　this　rest　beneath　your　roof；　I　see　how　wrong　I　was　to　entertain

such　doubts。　　It　is　a　great　happiness　to　have　decided　once　for　all

this　point；　for　it　is　not　in　my　character　to　pass　through　life

uncertainmistaken；　perhapson　psychological　matters　such　as　these。

No；　Madame；　rest　happily　assured　that　there　is　a　great　difference；

which　in　the　future　will　be　sacred　for　me。　　For；　believe　me；　Madame；

it　would　be　calamity　for　high　Society　if　by　chance　there　should　arise

amongst　them　any　understanding　of　all　that　side　of　life　whichvast

as　the　plains　and　bitter　as　the　sea；　black　as　the　ashes　of　a　corpse；

and　yet　more　free　than　any　wings　of　birds　who　fly　awayis　so　justly

beyond　the　grasp　of　their　philosophy。　　Yes；　believe　me；　dear　Madame；

there　is　no　danger　in　the　world　so　much　to　be　avoided　by　all　the

members　of　that　circle；　most　illustrious；　most　respectable；　called

high　Society。



》From　what　I　have　said　you　may　im