the american claimant-第21章

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The　old　earl　was　profoundly　pleased　and　touched。

〃I'm　glad　you　believe　in　me；　Washington；　not　everybody　is　so　just。〃

〃I　always　have　believed　in　you；　and　I　always　shall　as　long　as　I　live。〃

〃Thank　you；　my　boy。　　You　shan't　repent　it。　　And　you　can't。〃　　Arrived　in
the　〃　laboratory；〃　the　earl　continued；　〃Now；　cast　your　eye　around　this
roomwhat　do　you　see？　　Apparently　a　junk…shop；　apparently　a　hospital
connected　with　a　patent　officein　reality；　the　mines　of　Golconda　in
disguise！　　Look　at　that　thing　there。　　Now　what　would　you　take　that　thing
to　be？〃

〃I　don't　believe　I　could　ever　imagine。〃

〃Of　course　you　couldn't。　　It's　my　grand　adaptation　of　the　phonograph　to
the　marine　service。　　You　store　up　profanity　in　it　for　use　at　sea。
You　know　that　sailors　don't　fly　around　worth　a　cent　unless　you　swear
at　themso　the　mate　that　can　do　the　best　job　of　swearing　is　the　most
valuable　man。　　In　great　emergencies　his　talent　saves　the　ship。　　But　a
ship　is　a　large　thing；　and　he　can't　be　everywhere　at　once；　so　there　have
been　times　when　one　mate　has　lost　a　ship　which　could　have　been　saved　if
they　had　had　a　hundred。　　Prodigious　storms；　you　know。　　Well；　a　ship　can't
afford　a　hundred　mates；　but　she　can　afford　a　hundred　Cursing　Phonographs；
and　distribute　them　all　over　the　vesseland　there；　you　see；　she's　armed
at　every　point。　　Imagine　a　big　storm；　and　a　hundred　of　my　machines　all
cursing　away　at　oncesplendid　spectacle；　splendid！you　couldn't　hear
yourself　think。　　Ship　goes　through　that　storm　perfectly　sereneshe's
just　as　safe　as　she'd　be　on　shore。〃

〃It's　a　wonderful　idea。　　How　do　you　prepare　the　thing？〃

〃Load　it…simply　load　it。〃

〃How？〃

〃Why　you　just　stand　over　it　and　swear　into　it。〃

〃That　loads　it；　does　it？〃

〃Yesbecause　every　word　it　collars；　it　keepskeeps　it　forever。　　Never
wears　out。　　Any　time　you　turn　the　crank；　out　it'll　come。　　In　times　of
great　peril；　you　can　reverse　it；　and　it'll　swear　backwards。　　That　makes　a
sailor　hump　himself！〃

〃O；　I　see。　　Who　loads　them？the　mate？〃

〃Yes；　if　he　chooses。　　Or　I'll　furnish　them　already　loaded。　　I　can　hire　an
expert　for　75　a　month　who　will　load　a　hundred　and　fifty　phonographs　in
150　hours；　and　do　it　easy。　　And　an　expert　can　furnish　a　stronger　article；
of　course；　than　the　mere　average　uncultivated　mate　could。　　Then　you　see；
all　the　ships　of　the　world　will　buy　them　ready　loadedfor　I　shall　have
them　loaded　in　any　language　a　customer　wants。　　Hawkins；　it　will　work　the
grandest　moral　reform　of　the　19th　century。　　Five　years　from　now；　all　the
swearing　will　be　done　by　machineryyou　won't　ever　hear　a　profane　word
come　from　human　lips　on　a　ship。　　Millions　of　dollars　have　been　spent　by
the　churches；　in　the　effort　to　abolish　profanity　in　the　commercial
marine。　　Think　of　itmy　name　will　live　forever　in　the　affections　of　good
men　as　the　man；　who；　solitary　and　alone；　accomplished　this　noble　and
elevating　reform。〃

〃O；　it　is　grand　and　beneficent　and　beautiful。　　How　did　you　ever　come　to
think　of　it？　　You　have　a　wonderful　mind。　　How　did　you　say　you　loaded　the
machine？〃

〃O；　it's　no　trouble…perfectly　simple。　　If　you　want　to　load　it　up　loud　and
strong；　you　stand　right　over　it　and　shout。　　But　if　you　leave　it　open　and
all　set；　it'll　eavesdrop；　so　to　speakthat　is　to　say；　it　will　load
itself　up　with　any　sounds　that　are　made　within　six　feet　of　it。　　Now　I'll
show　you　how　it　works。　　I　had　an　expert　come　and　load　this　one　up
yesterday。　　Hello；　it's　been　left　openit's　too　badstill　I　reckon　it
hasn't　had　much　chance　to　collect　irrelevant　stuff。　　All　you　do　is　to
press　this　button　in　the　floorso。〃

The　phonograph　began　to　sing　in　a　plaintive　voice：

　　　　　　　　　　There　is　a　boarding…house；　far　far　away；
　　　　　　　　　　Where　they　have　ham　and　eggs；　3　times　a　day。

〃Hang　it；　that　ain't　it。　　Somebody's　been　singing　around　here。〃

The　plaintive　song　began　again；　mingled　with　a　low；　gradually　rising　wail
of　cats　slowly　warming　up　toward　a　fight；

　　　　　　　　　　O；　how　the　boarders　yell；
　　　　　　　　　　When　they　hear　that　dinner　bell
　　　　　　　　　　They　give　that　landlord

（momentary　outburst　of　terrific　catfight　which　drowns　out　one　word。）

　　　　　　　　　　Three　times　a　day。

（Renewal　of　furious　catfight　for　a　moment。　　The　plaintive　voice　on　a　high
fierce　key；　〃Scat；　you　devils〃and　a　racket　as　of　flying　missiles。）

〃Well；　never　mindlet　it　go。　　I've　got　some　sailor…profanity　down　in
there　somewhere；　if　I　could　get　to　it。　　But　it　isn't　any　matter；　you　see
how　the　machine　works。〃

Hawkins　responded　with　enthusiasm：

〃O；　it　works　admirably！　　I　know　there's　a　hundred　fortunes　in　it。〃

〃And　mind；　the　Hawkins　family　get　their　share；　Washington。〃

〃O；　thanks；　thanks；　you　are　just　as　generous　as　ever。　　Ah；　it's　the
grandest　invention　of　the　age！〃

〃Ah；　well；　we　live　in　wonderful　times。　　The　elements　are　crowded　full　of
beneficent　forcesalways　have　beenand　ours　is　the　first　generation　to
turn　them　to　account　and　make　them　work　for　us。　　Why　Hawkins；　everything
is　usefulnothing　ought　ever　to　be　wasted。　　Now　look　at　sewer　gas；　for
instance。　　Sewer　gas　has　always　been　wasted；　heretofore；　nobody　tried　to
save　up　sewer…gasyou　can't　name　me　a　man。　　Ain't　that　so？　you　know
perfectly　well　it's　so。〃

〃Yes　it　is　sobut　I　nevererI　don't　quite　see　why　a　body〃

〃Should　want　to　save　it　up？　　Well；　I'll　tell　you。　　Do　you　see　this　little
invention　here？it's　a　decomposerI　call　it　a　decomposer。　　I　give　you
my　word　of　honor　that　if　you　show　me　a　house　that　produces　a　given
quantity　of　sewer…gas　in　a　day；　I'll　engage　to　set　up　my　decomposer　there
and　make　that　house　produce　a　hundred　times　that　quantity　of　sewer…gas　in
less　than　half　an　hour。〃

〃Dear　me；　but　why　should　you　want　to？〃

〃Want　to？　　Listen；　and　you'll　see。　　My　boy；　for　illuminating　purposes　and
economy　combined；　there's　nothing　in　the　world　that　begins　with　sewer…
gas。　　And　really；　it　don't　cost　a　cent。　　You　put　in　a　good　inferior
article　of　plumbing；such　as　you　find　everywhereand　add　my　decomposer；
and　there　you　are。　　Just　use　the　ordinary　gas　pipesand　there　your
expense　ends。　　Think　of　it。　　Why；　Major；　in　five　years　from　now　you　won't
see　a　house　lighted　with　anything　but　sewer…gas。　　Every　physician　I　talk
to；　recommends　it；　and　every　plumber。〃

〃But　isn't　it　dangerous？〃

〃O；　yes；　more　or　less；　but　everything　iscoal　gas；　candles；　electricity
there　isn't　anything　that　ain't。〃

〃It　lights　up　well；　does　it？〃

〃O；　magnificently。〃

〃Have　you　given　it　a　good　trial？〃

〃Well；　no；　not　a　first　rate　one。　　Polly's　prejudiced；　and　she　won't　let
me　put　it　in　here；　but　I'm　playing　my　cards　to　get　it　adopted　in　the
President's　house；　and　then　it'll　godon't　you　doubt　it。　　I　shall　not
need　this　one　for　the　present；　Washington；　you　may　take　it　down　to　some
boarding…house　and　give　it　a　trial　if　you　like。〃




CHAPTER　XVIII。

Washington　shuddered　slightly　at　the　suggestion；　then　his　face　took　on　a
dreamy　look　and　he　dropped　into　a　trance　of　thought。　　After　a　little；
Sellers　asked　him　what　he　was　grinding　in　his　mental　mill。

〃Well；　this。　　Have　you　got　some　secret　project　in　your　head　which
requires　a　Bank　of　England　back　of　it　to　make　it　succeed？〃

The　Colonel　showed　lively　astonishment；　and　said：

〃Why；　Hawkins；　are　you　a　mind…reader？〃

〃I？　　I　never　thought　of　such　a　thing。〃

〃Well；　then　how　did　you　happen　to　drop　onto　that　idea　in　this　curious
fashion？　　It's　just　mind…reading；　that's　what　it　is；　though　you　may　not
know　it。　　Because　I　have　got　a　private　project　that　requires　a　Bank　of
England　at　its　back。　　How　could　you　divine　that？　　What　was　the　process？
This　is　interesting。〃

〃There　wasn't　any　process。　　A　thought　like　this　happened　to　slip　through
my　head　by　accident：　How　much　would　make　you　or　me　comfortable？
A　hundred　thousand。　　Yet　you　are　expecting　two　or　three　ofthese
inventions　of　yours　to　turn　out　some　billions　of　moneyand　you　are
wanting　them　to　do　that。　　If　you　wanted　ten　millions；　I　could　understand
thatit's　inside　the　human　limits。　　But　billions！　　That's　clear　outside
the　limits。　　There　must　be　a　definite　project　back　of　that　somewhere。〃

The　earl's　interest　and　surprise　augmented　with　every　word；　and　when
Hawkins　finished；　he　said　with　strong　admiration：

〃It's　wonderfully　reasoned　out；　Washington；　it　certainly　is。　　It　shows
what　I　think　is　quite　extraordinary　penetration。　　For　you've　hit　it；
you've　driven　the　centre；　you've　plugged　the　bulls…eye　of　my　dream。　　Now
I'll　tell　you　the　whole　thing；　and　you'll　understand　it。　　I　don't　need　to
ask　you　to　keep　it　to　yourself；　because　you'll　see　that　the　project　will
prosper　all　the　better　for　being　kept　in　the　background　till　the　right
time。　　Have　you　noticed　how　many　pamphlets　and　books　I've　got　lying
around　relating　to　Russia？〃

〃Yes；　I　think　most　anybody　would　notice　thatanybody　who　wasn't　dead。〃

〃Well；　I've　been　posting　myself　a　good　while。　　That's　a　great　and；
splendid　nation；　and　deserves　to　be　set　free。〃　　He　paused；　then　added　in
a　quite　matter…of…fact　way；　〃　When　I　get　this　money　I'm　going　to　set　it
free。〃

〃Great　guns！〃

〃Why；　what　makes　you　jump　like　that？〃

〃Dear　me；　when　you　are　going　to　drop　a　remark　under　a　man's　chair　that　is
likely　to　blow　him　out　through　the　roof；　why　don't　you　put　some
expression；　some　force；　some　noise　unto　it　that　will　prepare　him？　　You
shouldn't　flip　out　such　a　gigantic　thing　as　this　in　that　colorless　kind
of　a　way。　　You　do　jolt　a　person　up；　so。　　Go　on；　now；　I'm　all　right　again。
Tell　me　all　about　it。　　I'm　all　interestyes；　and　sympathy；　too。〃

〃Well；　I've　looked　the　ground　over；　and　concluded　that　the　methods　of　the
Russian　patriots；　while　good　enough　considering　the　way　the　boys　are
hampered；　are　not　the　best；　at　least　not　the　quickest。　　They　are　trying
to　revolutionize　Russia　from　within；　that's　pretty　slow；　you　know；　and
liable　to　interruption　all　the　time；　and　is　full　of　perils　for　the
workers。　　Do　you　know　how　Peter　the　Great　started　his　army？　　He　didn't
start　it　on　the　family　premises　under　the　noses　of　the　Strelitzes；　no；　he
started　it　away　off　yonder；　privately；only　just　one　regiment；　you　know；
and　he　built　to　that。　　The　first　thing　the　Strelitzes　knew；　the　regiment
was　an　army；　their　position　was　turned；　and　they　had　to　take　a　walk。
Just　that　little　idea　made　the　biggest　and　worst　of　all　the　despotisms
the　world　has　seen。　　The　same　idea　can　unmake　it。　　I'm　going　to　prove　it。
I'm　going　to　get　out　to　one　side　and　work　my　scheme　the　way　Peter　did。〃

〃This　is　mighty　interesting；　Rossmore。　　What　is　it　you　are；　going　to　do？〃

〃I　am　going　to　buy　Siberia　and　start　a　republic。〃

〃There；bang　you　go　again；　without　giving　any　notice！　　Going　to　buy　it？〃

〃Yes；　as　soon　as　I　get　the　money。　　I　don't　care　what　the　price　is；　I
shall　take　it。　　I　can　afford　it；　and　I　will。　　Now　then；　consider　this
and　you've　never　thought　of　it；　I'll　warrant。　　Where　is　the　place　where
there　is　twenty…five　times　more　manhood；　pluck；　true　heroism；
unselfishness；　devotion　to　high　and　noble　ideals；　adoration　of　liberty；
wide　education；　and　brains；　per　thousand　of　population；　than　any　other
domain　in　the　whole　world　can　show？〃

〃Siberia！〃

〃Right。〃

〃It　is　true；　it　certainly　is　true；　but　I　never　thought　of　it　before。〃

〃Nobody　ever　thinks　of　it。　　But　it's　so；　just　the　same。　　In　t