the research magnificent-第38章

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ut　what　I　can　understand　and　what　I　can　do　I　will　do。　Think　of　that　wild　beautiful　country　we　saw；　and　the　mean　misery；　the　filth　and　the　warring　cruelty　of　the　life　that　lives　there；　tragedy；　tragedy　without　dignity；　and　think；　too；　of　the　limitless　ugliness　here；　and　of　Russia　slipping　from　disorder　to　massacre；　and　China；　that　sea　of　human　beings；　sliding　steadily　to　disaster。　　Do　you　think　these　are　only　things　in　the　newspapers？　　To　me　at　any　rate　they　are　not　things　in　newspapers；　they　are　pain　and　failure；　they　are　torment；　they　are　blood　and　dust　and　misery。　　They　haunt　me　day　and　night。　　Even　if　it　is　utterly　absurd　I　will　still　do　my　utmost。　　It　IS　absurd。　　I'm　a　madman　and　you　and　my　mother　are　sensible　people。　。　。　。　　And　I　will　go　my　way。　。　。　。　　I　don't　care　for　the　absurdity。　　I　don't　care　a　rap。〃　He　stopped　abruptly。　〃There　you　have　it；　Amanda。　　It's　rant；　perhaps。　　Sometimes　I　feel　it's　rant。　　And　yet　it's　the　breath　of　life　to　me。　。　。　。　　There　you　are。　。　。　。　　At　last　I've　been　able　to　break　silence　and　tell　you。　。　。　。〃　He　stopped　with　something　like　a　sob　and　stood　regarding　the　dusky　mystery　of　her　face。　　She　stood　quite　still；　she　was　just　a　beautiful　outline　in　the　twilight；　her　face　was　an　indistinctness　under　the　black　shadow　of　her　hair；　with　eyes　that　were　two　patches　of　darkness。　He　looked　at　his　watch；　lifting　it　close　to　his　face　to　see　the　time。　　His　voice　changed。　　〃Wellif　you　provoke　a　man　enough；　you　see　he　makes　speeches。　　Let　it　be　a　lesson　to　you；　Amanda。　　Here　we　are　talking　instead　of　going　to　our　dinners。　　The　car　has　been　waiting　ten　minutes。〃　Amanda；　so　still；　was　the　most　disconcerting　of　all　Amandas。　。　。　。　A　strange　exaltation　seized　upon　her　very　suddenly。　　In　an　instant　she　had　ceased　to　plot　against　him。　　A　vast　wave　of　emotion　swept　her　forward　to　a　resolution　that　astonished　her。　〃Cheetah！〃　she　said；　and　the　very　quality　of　her　voice　had　changed；　〃give　me　one　thing。　　Stay　until　June　with　me。〃　〃Why？〃　he　asked。　Her　answer　came　in　a　voice　so　low　that　it　was　almost　a　whisper。　〃Becausenowno；　I　don't　want　to　keep　you　any　moreI　am　not　trying　to　hold　you　any　more。　。　。　。　　I　want。　。　。　。〃　She　came　forward　to　him　and　looked　up　closely　at　his　face。　〃Cheetah；〃　she　whispered　almost　inaudibly；　〃CheetahI　didn't　understand。　　But　now。　　I　want　to　bear　your　child。〃　He　was　astonished。　　〃Old　Leopard！〃　he　said。　〃No；〃　she　answered；　putting　her　hands　upon　his　shoulders　and　drawing　very　close　to　him；　〃Queen…if　I　can　beto　your　King。〃　〃You　want　to　bear　me　a　child！〃　he　whispered；　profoundly　moved。

8

The　Hindu　agitators　at　the　cavernous　dinner　under　the　House　of　Commons　came　to　the　conclusion　that　Benham　was　a　dreamer。　　And　over　against　Amanda　at　her　dinner…party　sat　Sir　Sidney　Umber；　one　of　those　men　who　know　that　their　judgments　are　quoted。　〃Who　is　the　beautiful　young　woman　who　is　seeing　visions？〃　he　asked　of　his　neighbour　in　confidential　undertones。　。　。　。　He　tittered。　　〃I　think；　you　know；　she　ought　to　seem　just　SLIGHTLY　aware　that　the　man　to　her　left　is　talking　to　her。　。　。　。〃

9

A　few　days　later　Benham　went　down　to　Cambridge；　where　Prothero　was　now　a　fellow　of　Trinity　and　Brissenden　Trust　Lecturer。　。　。　。　All　through　Benham's　writing　there　was　manifest　a　persuasion　that　in　some　way　Prothero　was　necessary　to　his　mind。　　It　was　as　if　he　looked　to　Prothero　to　keep　him　real。　　He　suspected　even　while　he　obeyed　that　upward　flourish　which　was　his　own　essential　characteristic。　　He　had　a　peculiar　feeling　that　somehow　that　upward　bias　would　betray　him；　that　from　exaltation　he　might　presently　float　off；　into　the　higher；　the　better；　and　so　to　complete　unreality。　　He　fled　from　priggishness　and　the　terror　of　such　sublimity　alike　to　Prothero。　Moreover；　in　relation　to　so　many　things　Prothero　in　a　peculiar　distinctive　manner　SAW。　　He　had　less　self…control　than　Benham；　less　integrity　of　purpose；　less　concentration；　and　things　that　were　before　his　eyes　were　by　the　very　virtue　of　these　defects　invariably　visible　to　him。　　Things　were　able　to　insist　upon　themselves　with　him。　　Benham；　on　the　other　hand；　when　facts　contradicted　his　purpose　too　stoutly；　had　a　way　of　becoming　blind　to　them。　　He　repudiated　inconvenient　facts。　　He　mastered　and　made　his　world；　Prothero　accepted　and　recorded　his。　　Benham　was　a　will　towards　the　universe　where　Prothero　was　a　perception　and　Amanda　a　confusing　responsive　activity。　　And　it　was　because　of　his　realization　of　this　profound　difference　between　them　that　he　was　possessed　by　the　idea　of　taking　Prothero　with　him　about　the　world；　as　a　detachable　kind　of　vision　rather　like　that　eye　the　Graiae　used　to　hand　one　another。　。　。　。　After　the　busy　sunlit　streets　of　Maytime　Cambridge；　Prothero's　rooms　in　Trinity；　their　windows　full　of　Gothic　perspectives　and　light…　soaked　blue　sky；　seemed　cool　and　quiet。　　A　flavour　of　scholarship　pervaded　thema　little　blended　with　the　flavour　of　innumerable　breakfasts　nearly　but　not　completely　forgotten。　　Prothero's　door　had　been　locked　against　the　world；　and　he　had　appeared　after　a　slight　delay　looking　a　little　puffy　and　only　apprehending　who　his　visitor　was　after　a　resentful　stare　for　the　better　part　of　a　second。　　He　might　have　been　asleep；　he　might　have　been　doing　anything　but　the　examination　papers　he　appeared　to　be　doing。　　The　two　men　exchanged　personal　details；　they　had　not　met　since　some　months　before　Benham'　s　marriage；　and　the　visitor's　eye　went　meanwhile　from　his　host　to　the　room　and　back　to　his　host's　face　as　though　they　were　all　aspects　of　the　thing　he　was　after；　the　Prothero　humour；　the　earthly　touch；　the　distinctive　Prothero　flavour。　　Then　his　eye　was　caught　by　a　large　red；　incongruous；　meretricious…looking　volume　upon　the　couch　that　had　an　air　of　having　been　flung　aside；　VENUS　IN　GEM　AND　MARBLE；　its　cover　proclaimed。　。　。　。　His　host　followed　that　glance　and　blushed。　　〃They　send　me　all　sorts　of　inappropriate　stuff　to　review；〃　he　remarked。　And　then　he　was　denouncing　celibacy。　The　transition　wasn't　very　clear　to　Benham。　　His　mind　had　been　preoccupied　by　the　problem　of　how　to　open　his　own　large　project。　Meanwhile　Prothero　got；　as　it　were；　the　conversational　bit　between　his　teeth　and　bolted。　　He　began　to　say　the　most　shocking　things　right　away；　so　that　Benham's　attention　was　caught　in　spite　of　himself。　〃Inflammatory　classics。〃　〃What's　that？〃　〃Celibacy；　my　dear　Benham；　is　maddening　me；〃　said　Prothero。　　〃I　can't　stand　it　any　longer。〃　It　seemed　to　Benham　that　somewhere；　very　far　away；　in　another　world；　such　a　statement　might　have　been　credible。　　Even　in　his　own　life；　it　was　now　indeed　a　remote；　forgotten　stagethere　had　been　something　distantly　akin。　。　。　。　〃You're　going　to　marry？〃　〃I　must。〃　〃Who's　the　lady；　Billy？〃　〃I　don't　know。　　Venus。〃　His　little　red…brown　eye　met　his　friend's　defiantly。　　〃So　far　as　I　know；　it　is　Venus　Anadyomene。〃　　A　flash　of　laughter　passed　across　his　face　and　left　it　still　angrier；　still　more　indecorously　defiant。　〃I　like　her　best；　anyhow。　　I　do；　indeed。　　But；　Lord！　　I　feel　that　almost　any　of　them〃　〃Tut；　tut！〃　said　Benham。　Prothero　flushed　deeply　but　stuck　to　his　discourse。　〃Wasn't　it　always　your　principle；　Benham；　to　look　facts　in　the　face？　I　am　not　pronouncing　an　immoral　principle。　　Your　manner　suggests　I　am。　　I　am　telling　you　exactly　how　I　feel。　　That　is　how　I　feel。　　I　wantVenus。　　I　don't　want　her　to　talk　to　or　anything　of　that　sort。　。　。　。　　I　have　been　studying　that　book；　yes；　that　large；　vulgar；　red　book；　all　the　morning；　instead　of　doing　any　work。　Would　you　like　to　see　it？　。　。　。　　NO！　。　。　。　〃This　spring；　Benham；　I　tell　you；　is　driving　me　mad。　　It　is　a　peculiarly　erotic　spring。　　I　cannot　sleep；　I　cannot　fix　my　mind；　I　cannot　attend　to　ordinary　conversation。　　These　feelings；　I　understand；　are　by　no　means　peculiar　to　myself。　。　。　。　　No；　don't　interrupt　me；　Benham；　let　me　talk　now　that　the　spirit　of　speech　is　upon　me。　　When　you　came　in　you　said；　‘How　are　you？'　　I　am　telling　you　how　I　am。　　You　brought　it　on　yourself。　　WellI　aminflamed。　　I　have　no　strong　moral　or　religious　convictions　to　assist　me　either　to　endure　or　deny　thisthis　urgency。　　And　so　why　should　I　deny　it？　It's　one　of　our　chief　problems　here。　　The　majority　of　my　fellow　dons　who　look　at　me　with　secretive　faces　in　hall　and　court　and　combination…room　are　in　just　the　same　case　as　myself。　　The　fever　in　oneself　detects　the　fever　in　others。　　I　know　their　hidden　thoughts。　Their　fishy　eyes　defy　me　to　challenge　their　hidden　thoughts。　　Each　covers　his　miserable　secret　under　the　cloak　of　a　wholesome　manly　indifference。　　A　tattered　cloak。　。　。　。　　Each　tries　to　hide　his　abandonment　to　this　horrible　vice　of　continence〃　〃Billy；　what's　the　matter　with　you？〃　Prothero　grimaced　impatience。　　〃Shall　I　NEVER　teach　you　not　to　be　a　humbug；　Benham？〃　he　screamed；　and　in　screaming　became　calmer。　〃Nature　taunts　me；　maddens　me。　　My　life　is　becoming　a　hell　of　shame。　‘Get　out　from　all　these　books；'　says　Nature；　‘and　serve　the　Flesh。'　The　Flesh；　Benham。　　YesI　insistthe　Flesh。　　Do　I　look　like　a　pure　spirit？　　Is　any　man　a　pure　spirit？　　And　here　am　I　at　Cambridge　like　a　lark　in　a　cage；　with　too　much　port　and　no　Aspasia。　　Not　that　I　should　have　liked　Aspasia。〃　〃Mutual；　perhaps；　Billy。〃　〃Oh！　you　can　sneer！〃　〃Well；　clearlySaint　Paul　is　my　authorityit's　marriage；　Billy。〃　Prothero　had　walked　to　the　window。　　He　turned　round。　〃I　CAN'T　marry；〃　he　said。　　〃The　trouble　has　gone　too　far。　　I've　lost　my　nerve　in　the　presence　of　women。　　I　don't　like　them　any　more。　They　come　at　onedone　up　in　a　lot　of　ridiculous　clothes；　and　chattering　about　all　sorts　of　things　that　don't　matter。　。　。　。　　He　surveyed　his　friend's　thoughtful　attitude。　　〃I'm　getting　to　hate　women；　Benham。　　I'm　beginning　now　to　understand　the　bitterness　of　spinsters　against　men。　　I'm　beginning　to　grasp　the　unkindliness　of　priests。　　The　perpetual　denial。　　To　you；　happily　married；　a　woman　is　just　a　human　being。　　You　can　talk　to　her；　like　her；　you　can　even　admire　her　calmly；　you've　got；　you　see；　no　grudge　against　her。　。　。　。〃　He　sat　down　abruptly。　Benham；　upon　the　hearthrug　before　the　empty　fireplace；　considered　him。　〃Billy！　this　is　delusion；〃　he　said。　　〃What's　come　over　you？〃　〃I'm　telling　you；〃　said　Prothero。　〃No；〃　said　Benham。　Prothero　awaited　some　further　utterance。　〃I'm　looking　for　the　cause　of　it。　　It's　feeding；　Billy。　　It's　port　and　stimulants　where　there　is　no　scope　for　action。　　It's　idleness。　I　begin　to　see　now　how　much　fatter　you　are；　how　much　coarser。〃　〃Idleness！　　Look　at　this　pile　of　examination　answers。　　Look　at　that　filing　system　like　an　arsenal　of　wisdom。　　Useless　wisdom；　I　admit；　but　anyhow　not　idleness。〃　〃There's　still　bodily　idleness。　　No。　　That's　your　trouble。　　You're　stuffy。　　You've　enlarged　your　liver。　　You　sit　in　this　room　of　a　warm　morning　after　an　extravagant　breakfast。　　And　peep　and　covet。〃　〃Just　eggs　and　bacon！〃　〃Think　of　it！　　Coffee　and　toast　it　ought　to　be。　　Come　out　of　it；　Billy；　and　get　aired。〃　〃How　can　one？〃　〃Easily。　　Come　out　of　it　now。　　Come　for　a　walk；　you　Pig！〃　〃It's　an　infernally　warm　morning。　〃Walk　with　me　to　Grantchester。〃　〃We　might　go　by　boat。　　You　could　row。〃　〃WALK。〃　〃I　ought　to　do　these　papers。〃　〃You　weren't　doing　them。〃　〃No。　。　。　。〃　〃Walk　with　me　to　Grantchester。　　All　this　affliction　of　yours　is　horridand　just　nothing　at　all。　　Come　out　of　it！　　I　want　you　to　come　with　me　to　Russia　and　about　the　world。　　I'm　going　to　leave　my　wife〃　〃Leave　your　wife！〃　〃Why　not？