the lifted veil(揭起的面纱)-第10章
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When at last I did unavoidably meet her； the vague dread was changed
into definite disgust。 She was a tall； wiry； dark…eyed woman； this Mrs。
Archer； with a face handsome enough to give her coarse hard nature the
odious finish of bold； self…confident coquetry。 That was enough to make
me avoid her； quite apart from the contemptuous feeling with which she
contemplated me。 I seldom saw her； but I perceived that she rapidly
became a favourite with her mistress； and； after the lapse of eight or nine
months； I began to be aware that there had arisen in Bertha's mind towards
this woman a mingled feeling of fear and dependence； and that this feeling
was associated with ill… defined images of candle…light scenes in her
dressing…room； and the locking…up of something in Bertha's cabinet。 My
interviews with my wife had become so brief and so rarely solitary； that I
had no opportunity of perceiving these images in her mind with more
definiteness。 The recollections of the past become contracted in the
rapidity of thought till they sometimes bear hardly a more distinct
resemblance to the external reality than the forms of an oriental alphabet
to the objects that suggested them。
Besides； for the last year or more a modification had been going
forward in my mental condition； and was growing more and more marked。
My insight into the minds of those around me was becoming dimmer and
more fitful； and the ideas that crowded my double consciousness became
less and less dependent on any personal contact。 All that was personal in
me seemed to be suffering a gradual death； so that I was losing the organ
through which the personal agitations and projects of others could affect
me。 But along with this relief from wearisome insight； there was a new
development of what I concludedas I have since found rightlyto be a
provision of external scenes。 It was as if the relation between me and my
fellow…men was more and more deadened； and my relation to what we call
the inanimate was quickened into new life。 The more I lived apart from
society； and in proportion as my wretchedness subsided from the violent
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throb of agonized passion into the dulness of habitual pain； the more
frequent and vivid became such visions as that I had had of Pragueof
strange cities； of sandy plains； of gigantic ruins； of midnight skies with
strange bright constellations； of mountain…passes； of grassy nooks flecked
with the afternoon sunshine through the boughs： I was in the midst of
such scenes； and in all of them one presence seemed to weigh on me in all
these mighty shapesthe presence of something unknown and pitiless。
For continual suffering had annihilated religious faith within me： to the
utterly miserablethe unloving and the unlovedthere is no religion
possible； no worship but a worship of devils。 And beyond all these； and
continually recurring； was the vision of my deaththe pangs； the
suffocation； the last struggle； when life would be grasped at in vain。
Things were in this state near the end of the seventh year。 I had
become entirely free from insight； from my abnormal cognizance of any
other consciousness than my own； and instead of intruding involuntarily
into the world of other minds； was living continually in my own solitary
future。 Bertha was aware that I was greatly changed。 To my surprise
she had of late seemed to seek opportunities of remaining in my society；
and had cultivated that kind of distant yet familiar talk which is customary
between a husband and wife who live in polite and irrevocable alienation。
I bore this with languid submission； and without feeling enough interest in
her motives to be roused into keen observation； yet I could not help
perceiving something triumphant and excited in her carriage and the
expression of her facesomething too subtle to express itself in words or
tones； but giving one the idea that she lived in a state of expectation or
hopeful suspense。 My chief feeling was satisfaction that her inner self
was once more shut out from me； and I almost revelled for the moment in
the absent melancholy that made me answer her at cross purposes； and
betray utter ignorance of what she had been saying。 I remember well the
look and the smile with which she one day said； after a mistake of this
kind on my part： 〃I used to think you were a clairvoyant； and that was
the reason why you were so bitter against other clairvoyants； wanting to
keep your monopoly； but I see now you have become rather duller than
the rest of the world。〃
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I said nothing in reply。 It occurred to me that her recent obtrusion of
herself upon me might have been prompted by the wish to test my power
of detecting some of her secrets； but I let the thought drop again at once：
her motives and her deeds had no interest for me； and whatever pleasures
she might be seeking； I had no wish to baulk her。 There was still pity in
my soul for every living thing； and Bertha was livingwas surrounded
with possibilities of misery。
Just at this time there occurred an event which roused me somewhat
from my inertia； and gave me an interest in the passing moment that I had
thought impossible for me。 It was a visit from Charles Meunier； who had
written me word that he was coming to England for relaxation from too
strenuous labour； and would like too see me。 Meunier had now a European
reputation； but his letter to me expressed that keen remembrance of an
early regard； an early debt of sympathy； which is inseparable from nobility
of character： and I too felt as if his presence would be to me like a
transient resurrection into a happier pre…existence。
He came； and as far as possible； I renewed our old pleasure of making
tete…a…tete excursions； though； instead of mountains and glacers and the
wide blue lake； we had to content ourselves with mere slopes and ponds
and artificial plantations。 The years had changed us both； but with what
different result！ Meunier was now a brilliant figure in society； to whom
elegant women pretended to listen； and whose acquaintance was boasted
of by noblemen ambitious of brains。 He repressed with the utmost
delicacy all betrayal of the shock which I am sure he must have received
from our meeting； or of a desire to penetrate into my condition and
circumstances； and sought by the utmost exertion of his charming social
powers to make our reunion agreeable。 Bertha was much struck by the
unexpected fascinations of a visitor whom she had expected to find
presentable only on the score of his celebrity； and put forth all her
coquetries and accomplishments。 Apparently she succeeded in attracting
his admiration； for his manner towards her was attentive and flattering。
The effect of his presence on me was so benignant； especially in those
renewals of our old tete…a…tete wanderings； when he poured forth to me
wonderful narratives of his professional experience； that more than once；
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when his talk turned on the psychological relations of disease； the thought
crossed my mind that； if his stay with me were long enough； I might
possibly bring myself to tell this man the secrets of my lot。 Might there
not lie some remedy for me； too； in his science？ Might there not at least
lie some comprehension and sympathy ready for me in his large and
susceptible mind？ But the thought only flickered feebly now and then；
and died out before it could become a wish。 The horror I had of again
breaking in on the privacy of another soul； made me； by an irrational
instinct； draw the shroud of concealment more closely around my own； as
we automatically perform the gesture we feel to be wanting in another。
When Meunier's visit was approaching its conclusion； there happened
an event which caused some excitement in our household； owing to the
surprisingly strong effect it appeared to produce on Berthaon Bertha； the
self…possessed； who usually seemed inaccessible to feminine agitations；
and did even her hate in a self…restrained hygienic manner。 This event
was the sudden severe illness of her maid； Mrs。 Archer。 I have reserved
to this moment the mention of a circumstance which had forced itself on
my notice shortly before Meunier's arrival； namely； that there had been
some quarrel between Bertha and this maid； apparently during a visit to a
distant family； in which she had accompanied her mistress。 I had
overheard Archer speaking in a tone of bitter insolence； which I should
have thought an adequate reason for immediate dismissal。 No dismissal
followed； on the contrary； Bertha seemed to be silently putting up with
personal inconveniences from the exhibitions of this woman's temper。 I
was the more astonished to observe that her illness seemed a cause of
strong solicitude to Bertha； that she was at the bedside night and day； and
would allow no one else to officiate as head…nurse。 It happened that our
family doctor was out on a holiday； an accident which made Meunier's
presence in the house doubly welcome； and he apparently entered into the
case with an interest whi
