the idle thoughts of an idle fellow[1].(一个浪子的随想)-第10章
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upon which no previous human being has ever said a wordsome subject
that will attract by its novelty； invigorate by its surprising freshness。〃
She laughed and said I was a funny gentleman。
That's my luck again。 When I make serious observations people
chuckle； when I attempt a joke nobody sees it。 I had a beautiful one last
week。 I thought it so good； and I worked it up and brought it in artfully at
a dinner…party。 I forget how exactly； but we had been talking about the
attitude of Shakespeare toward the Reformation； and I said something and
immediately added； 〃Ah； that reminds me； such a funny thing happened
the other day in Whitechapel。〃 〃Oh；〃 said they； 〃what was that？〃 〃Oh；
'twas awfully funny；〃 I replied； beginning to giggle myself； 〃it will make
you roar；〃 and I told it them。
There was dead silence when I finishedit was one of those long jokes；
tooand then； at last； somebody said： 〃And that was the joke？〃
I assured them that it was； and they were very polite and took my word
for it。 All but one old gentleman at the other end of the table； who wanted
to know which was the jokewhat he said to her or what she said to him；
and we argued it out。
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THE IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW。
Some people are too much the other way。 I knew a fellow once whose
natural tendency to laugh at everything was so strong that if you wanted to
talk seriously to him； you had to explain beforehand that what you were
going to say would not be amusing。 Unless you got him to clearly
understand this； he would go off into fits of merriment over every word
you uttered。 I have known him on being asked the time stop short in the
middle of the road； slap his leg； and burst into a roar of laughter。 One
never dared say anything really funny to that man。 A good joke would
have killed him on the spot。
In the present instance I vehemently repudiated the accusation of
frivolity； and pressed Mrs。 Cutting for practical ideas。 She then became
thoughtful and hazarded 〃samplers；〃 saying that she never heard them
spoken much of now； but that they used to be all the rage when she was a
girl。
I declined samplers and begged her to think again。 She pondered a
long while； with a tea…tray in her hands； and at last suggested the weather；
which she was sure had been most trying of late。
And ever since that idiotic suggestion I have been unable to get the
weather out of my thoughts or anything else in。
It certainly is most wretched weather。 At all events it is so now at the
time I am writing； and if it isn't particularly unpleasant when I come to be
read it soon will be。
It always is wretched weather according to us。 The weather is like the
governmentalways in the wrong。 In summer…time we say it is stifling； in
winter that it is killing； in spring and autumn we find fault with it for being
neither one thing nor the other and wish it would make up its mind。 If it is
fine we say the country is being ruined for want of rain； if it does rain we
pray for fine weather。 If December passes without snow； we indignantly
demand to know what has become of our good old…fashioned winters； and
talk as if we had been cheated out of something we had bought and paid
for； and when it does snow； our language is a disgrace to a Christian
nation。 We shall never be content until each man makes his own weather
and keeps it to himself。
If that cannot be arranged； we would rather do without it altogether。
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THE IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW。
Yet I think it is only to us in cities that all weather is so unwelcome。 In
her own home； the country； Nature is sweet in all her moods。 What can be
more beautiful than the snow； falling big with mystery in silent softness；
decking the fields and trees with white as if for a fairy wedding！ And how
delightful is a walk when the frozen ground rings beneath our swinging
treadwhen our blood tingles in the rare keen air； and the sheep…dogs'
distant bark and children's laughter peals faintly clear like Alpine bells
across the open hills！ And then skating！ scudding with wings of steel
across the swaying ice； making whirring music as we fly。 And oh； how
dainty is springNature at sweet eighteen！
When the little hopeful leaves peep out so fresh and green； so pure and
bright； like young lives pushing shyly out into the bustling world； when
the fruit…tree blossoms； pink and white； like village maidens in their
Sunday frocks； hide each whitewashed cottage in a cloud of fragile
splendor； and the cuckoo's note upon the breeze is wafted through the
woods！ And summer； with its deep dark green and drowsy humwhen the
rain…drops whisper solemn secrets to the listening leaves and the twilight
lingers in the lanes！ And autumn！ ah； how sadly fair； with its golden glow
and the dying grandeur of its tinted woodsits blood…red sunsets and its
ghostly evening mists； with its busy murmur of reapers； and its laden
orchards； and the calling of the gleaners； and the festivals of praise！
The very rain； and sleet； and hail seem only Nature's useful servants
when found doing their simple duties in the country； and the East Wind
himself is nothing worse than a boisterous friend when we meet him
between the hedge…rows。
But in the city where the painted stucco blisters under the smoky sun；
and the sooty rain brings slush and mud； and the snow lies piled in dirty
heaps； and the chill blasts whistle down dingy streets and shriek round
flaring gas lit corners； no face of Nature charms us。 Weather in towns is
like a skylark in a counting…houseout of place and in the way。 Towns
ought to be covered in； warmed by hot…water pipes； and lighted by
electricity。 The weather is a country lass and does not appear to advantage
in town。 We liked well enough to flirt with her in the hay…field； but she
does not seem so fascinating when we meet her in Pall Mall。 There is too
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THE IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW。
much of her there。 The frank； free laugh and hearty voice that sounded so
pleasant in the dairy jars against the artificiality of town…bred life； and her
ways become exceedingly trying。
Just lately she has been favoring us with almost incessant rain for
about three weeks； and I am a demned damp； moist； unpleasant body； as
Mr。 Mantalini puts it。
Our next…door neighbor comes out in the back garden every now and
then and says it's doing the country a world of goodnot his coming out
into the back garden； but the weather。 He doesn't understand anything
about it； but ever since he started a cucumber…frame last summer he has
regarded himself in the light of an agriculturist； and talks in this absurd
way with the idea of impressing the rest of the terrace with the notion that
he is a retired farmer。 I can only hope that for this once he is correct； and
that the weather really is doing good to something； because it is doing me
a considerable amount of damage。 It is spoiling both my clothes and my
temper。 The latter I can afford； as I have a good supply of it； but it wounds
me to the quick to see my dear old hats and trousers sinking； prematurely
worn and aged； beneath the cold world's blasts and snows。
There is my new spring suit； too。 A beautiful suit it was； and now it is
hanging up so bespattered with mud I can't bear to look at it。
That was Jim's fault； that was。 I should never have gone out in it that
night if it had not been for him。 I was just trying it on when he came in。 He
threw up his arms with a wild yell the moment be caught sight of it； and
exclaimed that he had 〃got 'em again！〃
I said： 〃Does it fit all right behind？〃
〃Spiffin； old man；〃 he replied。 And then he wanted to know if I was
coming out。
I said 〃no〃 at first； but he overruled me。 He said that a man with a suit
like that bad no right to stop indoors。 〃Every citizen；〃 said he； 〃owes a
duty to the public。 Each one should contribute to the general happiness as
far as lies in his power。 Come out and give the girls a treat。〃
Jim is slangy。 I don't know where he picks it up。 It certainly is not from
me
I said： 〃Do you think it will really please 'em？〃 He said it would be
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THE IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW。
like a day in the country to them。
That decided me。 It was a lovely evening and I went。
When I got home I undressed and rubbed myself down with whisky；
put my feet in hot water and a mustard…plaster on my chest； had a basin of
gruel and a glass of hot brandy…and…water； tallowed my nose； and went to
bed。
These prompt and vigorous measures； aided by a naturally strong
constitution； were the means of preserving my life； but as for the suit！
Well； there； it isn't a suit； it's a splash…board。
And I did fancy that suit； too。 But that's just the way。 I never do get
particular｛y fond of anything in this world but what something dreadful
happens to it。 I had a tame rat when I was a boy； and I loved that animal as
only a boy would love an old water…rat； and one day it fell into a large dish
of gooseberry…fool that was standing to cool in the kitchen； and nobody
knew what had become of the poor creature until the second helping。
I do hate wet weather in town。 At least； it is not so much the wet as the
mud that I object to。 Somehow or other I seem to possess an irresistible
alluring power over mud。 I have only to show myself in the street on a
muddy day to be half…smothered by it。 It all comes of being so attractive；
as the old lady said when she was struck by lightning。 Other people can go
out on dirty days and walk about for hours without getting a speck upon
themselves； while if I go across the road I come ba
