armadale-第97章

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is　that　it　would　excite　remark　in　this　inquisitive　little　town　to
see　me　wearing　a　thick　veil；　for　the　first　time；　in　the　summer
weather。

〃It　is　close　on　ten　o'clock；　I　have　been　dawdling　over　my　diary
longer　than　I　supposed。

〃No　words　can　describe　how　weary　and　languid　I　feel。　Why　don't　I
take　my　sleeping　drops　and　go　to　bed？　There　is　no　meeting　between
Armadale　and　Miss　Milroy　to　force　me　into　early　rising　to…morrow
morning。　Am　I　trying；　for　the　hundredth　time；　to　see　my　way
clearly　into　the　futuretrying；　in　my　present　state　of　fatigue；
to　be　the　quick…witted　woman　I　once　was；　before　all　these
anxieties　came　together　and　overpowered　me？　or　am　I　perversely
afraid　of　my　bed　when　I　want　it　most？　I　don't　know；　I　am　tired
and　miserable；　I　am　looking　wretchedly　haggard　and　old。　With　a
little　encouragement；　I　might　be　fool　enough　to　burst　out　crying。
Luckily；　there　is　no　one　to　encourage　me。　What　sort　of　a　night　is
it；　I　wonder？

〃A　cloudy　night；　with　the　moon　showing　at　intervals；　and　the　wind
rising。　I　can　just　hear　it　moaning　among　the　ins　and　outs　of　the
unfinished　cottages　at　the　end　of　the　street。　My　nerves　must　be　a
little　shaken；　I　think。　I　was　startled　just　now　by　a　shadow　on
the　wall。　It　was　only　after　a　moment　or　two　that　I　mustered　sense
enough　to　notice　where　the　candle　was；　and　to　see　that　the　shadow
was　my　own。

〃Shadows　remind　me　of　Midwinter；　or；　if　the　shadows　don't；
something　else　does。　I　must　have　another　look　at　his　letter；　and
then　I　will　positively　go　to　bed。


〃I　shall　end　in　getting　fond　of　him。　If　I　remain　much　longer　in
this　lonely　uncertain　stateso　irresolute；　so　unlike　my　usual
selfI　shall　end　in　getting　fond　of　him。　What　madness！　As　if　_I_
could　ever　be　really　fond　of　a　man　again！

〃Suppose　I　took　one　of　my　sudden　resolutions；　and　married　him。
Poor　as　he　is；　he　would　give　me　a　name　and　a　position　if　I　became
his　wife。　Let　me　see　how　the　namehis　own　namewould　look；　if　I
really　did　consent　to　it　for　mine。

〃　'Mrs。　Armadale！'　Pretty。

〃　'Mrs。　Allan　Armadale！'　Prettier　still。

〃My　nerves　_must_　be　shaken。　Here　is　my　own　handwriting　startling
me　now！　It　is　so　strange；　it　is　enough　to　startle　anybody。　The
similarity　in　the　two　names　never　struck　me　in　this　light　before。
Marry　which　of　the　two　I　might；　my　name　would；　of　course；　be　the
same。　I　should　have　been　Mrs。　Armadale；　if　I　had　married　the
light…haired　Allan　at　the　great　house。　And　I　can　be　Mrs。　Armadale
still；　if　I　marry　the　dark…haired　Allan　in　London。　It's　alm　ost
maddening　to　write　it　downto　feel　that　something　ought　to　come
of　itand　to　find　nothing　come。

〃How　_can_　anything　come　of　it？　If　I　did　go　to　London；　and　marry
him　（as　of　course　I　must　marry　him）　under　his　real　name；　would　he
let　me　be　known　by　it　afterward？　With　all　his　reasons　for
concealing　his　real　name；　he　would　insistno；　he　is　too　fond　of
me　to　do　thathe　would　entreat　me　to　take　the　name　which　he　has
assumed。　Mrs。　Midwinter。　Hideous！　Ozias；　too；　when　I　wanted　to
address　him　familiarly；　as　his　wife　should。　Worse　than　hideous！

〃And　yet　there　would　be　some　reason　for　humoring　him　in　this　if
he　asked　me。

〃Suppose　the　brute　at　the　great　house　happened　to　leave　this
neighborhood　as　a　single　man；　and　suppose；　in　his　absence；　any　of
the　people　who　know　him　heard　of　a　Mrs。　Allan　Armadale；　they
would　set　her　down　at　once　as　his　wife。　Even　if　they　actually　saw
meif　I　actually　came　among　them　with　that　name；　and　if　he　was
not　present　to　contradict　ithis　own　servants　would　be　the　first
to　say；　'We　knew　she　would　marry　him；　after　all！'　And　my
lady…patronesses；　who　will　be　ready　to　believe　anything　of　me　now
we　have　quarreled；　would　join　the　chorus　_sotto　voce：_　'Only
think；　my　dear；　the　report　that　so　shocked　us　actually　turns　out
to　be　true！'　No。　If　I　marry　Midwinter；　I　must　either　be
perpetually　putting　my　husband　and　myself　in　a　false　positionor
I　must　leave　his　real　name；　his　pretty；　romantic　name；　behind　me
at　the　church　door。

〃My　husband！　As　if　I　was　really　going　to　marry　him！　I　am　_not_
going　to　marry　him；　and　there's　an　end　of　it。


〃Half…past　ten。Oh；　dear！　oh；　dear！　how　my　temples　throb；　and
how　hot　my　weary　eyes　feel！　There　is　the　moon　looking　at　me
through　the　window。　How　fast　the　little　scattered　clouds　are
flying　before　the　wind！　Now　they　let　the　moon　in；　and　now　they
shut　the　moon　out。　What　strange　shapes　the　patches　of　yellow
light　take；　and　lose　again；　all　in　a　moment！　No　peace　and　quiet
for　me；　look　where　I　may。　The　candle　keeps　flickering；　and　the
very　sky　itself　is　restless　to…night。

〃　'To　bed！　to　bed！'　as　Lady　Macbeth　says。　I　wonder；　by…the…by；
what　Lady　Macbeth　would　have　done　in　my　position？　She　would　have
killed　somebody　when　her　difficulties　first　began。　Probably
Armadale。


〃Friday　morning。A　night's　rest；　thanks　again　to　my　Drops。　I
went　to　breakfast　in　better　spirits；　and　received　a　morning
welcome　in　the　shape　of　a　letter　from　Mrs。　Oldershaw。

〃My　silence　has　produced　its　effect　on　Mother　Jezebel。　She
attributes　it　to　the　right　cause；　and　she　shows　her　claws　at
last。　If　I　am　not　in　a　position　to　pay　my　note　of　hand　for　thirty
pounds；　which　is　due　on　Tuesday　next；　her　lawyer　is　instructed　to
'take　the　usual　course。'　_If_　I　am　not　in　a　position　to　pay　it！
Why；　when　I　have　settled　to…day　with　my　landlord；　I　shall　have
barely　five　pounds　left！　There　is　not　the　shadow　of　a　prospect
between　now　and　Tuesday　of　my　earning　any　money；　and　I　don't
possess　a　friend　in　this　place　who　would　trust　me　with　sixpence。
The　difficulties　that　are　swarming　round　me　wanted　but　one　more
to　complete　them；　and　that　one　has　come。

〃Midwinter　would　assist　me；　of　course；　if　I　could　bring　myself　to
ask　him　for　assistance。　But　_that_　means　marrying　him。　Am　I
really　desperate　enough　and　helpless　enough　to　end　it　in　that
way？　No；　not　yet。

〃My　head　feels　heavy；　I　must　get　out　into　the　fresh　air；　and
think　about　it。


〃Two　o'clock。I　believe　I　have　caught　the　infection　of
Midwinter's　superstition。　I　begin　to　think　that　events　are
forcing　me　nearer　and　nearer　to　some　end　which　I　don't　see　yet；
but　which　I　am　firmly　persuaded　is　now　not　far　off。

〃I　have　been　insulteddeliberately　insulted　before　witnessesby
Miss　Milroy。

〃After　walking；　as　usual；　in　the　most　unfrequented　place　I　could
pick　out；　and　after　trying；　not　very　successfully；　to　think　to
some　good　purpose　of　what　I　am　to　do　next；　I　remembered　that　I
needed　some　note…paper　and　pens；　and　went　back　to　the　town　to　the
stationer's　shop。　It　might　have　been　wiser　to　have　sent　for　what
I　wanted。　But　I　was　weary　of　myself；　and　weary　of　my　lonely
rooms；　and　I　did　my　own　errand；　for　no　better　reason　than　that　it
was　something　to　do。

〃I　had　just　got　into　the　shop；　and　was　asking　for　what　I　wanted；
when　another　customer　came　in。　We　both　looked　up；　and　recognized
each　other　at　the　same　moment：　Miss　Milroy。

〃A　woman　and　a　lad　were　behind　the　counter；　besides　the　man　who
was　serving　me。　The　woman　civilly　addressed　the　new　customer。
'What　can　we　have　the　pleasure　of　doing　for　you；　miss？'　After
pointing　it　first　by　looking　me　straight　in　the　face；　she
answered；　'Nothing；　thank　you；　at　present。　I'll　come　back　when
the　shop　is　empty。'

〃She　went　out。　The　three　people　in　the　shop　looked　at　me　in
silence。　In　silence；　on　my　side；　I　paid　for　my　purchases；　and
left　the　place。　I　don't　know　how　I　might　have　felt　if　I　had　been
in　my　usual　spirits。　In　the　anxious；　unsettled　state　I　am　in　now；
I　can't　deny　it；　the　girl　stung　me。

〃In　the　weakness　of　the　moment　（for　it　was　nothing　else）；　I　was
on　the　point　of　matching　her　petty　spitefulness　by　spitefulness
quite　as　petty　on　my　side。　I　had　actually　got　as　far　as　the　whole
length　of　the　street　on　my　way　to　the　major's　cottage；　bent　on
telling　him　the　secret　of　his　daughter's　morning　walks；　before　my
better　sense　came　back　to　me。　When　I　did　cool　down；　I　turned
round　at　once；　and　took　the　way　home。　No；　no；　Miss　Milroy；　mere
temporary　mischief…making　at　the　cottage；　which　would　only　end　in
your　father　forgiving　you；　and　in　Armadale　profiting　by　his
indulgence；　will　nothing　like　pay　the　debt　I　owe　you。　I　don't
forget　that　your　heart　is　set　on　Armadale；　and　that　the　major；
however　he　may　talk；　has　always　ended　hitherto　in　giving　you　your
own　way。　My　head　may　be　getting　duller　and　duller；　but　it　has　not
quite　failed　me　yet。

〃In　the　meantime；　there　is　Mother　Oldershaw's　letter　waiting
obstinately　to　be　answered；　and　here　am　I；　not　knowing　what　to　do
about　it　yet。　Shall　I　answer　it　or　not？　It　doesn't　matter　for　the
present；　there　are　some　hours　still　to　spare　before　the　post　goes
out。

〃Suppose　I　asked　Armadale　to　lend　me　the　money？　I　should　enjoy
getting　_something_　out　of　him；　and　I　believe；　in　his　present
situation　with　Miss　Milroy；　he　would　do　anything　to　be　rid　of　me。
Mean　enough　this；　on　my　part。　Pooh！　When　you　hate　and　despise　a
man；　as　I　hate　and　despise　Armadale；　who　cares　for　looking　mean
in　_his_　eyes？

〃And　yet　my　prideor　my　something　else；　I　don't　know
whatshrinks　from　it。

〃Half…past　twoonly　half…past　two。　Oh；　the　dreadful　weariness　of
these　long　summer　days！　I　can't　keep　thinking　and　thinking　any
longer；　I　must　do　something　to　relieve　my　mind。　Can　I　go　to　my
piano？　No；　I'm　not　fit　for　it。　Work？　No；　I　shall　get　thinking
again　if　I　take　to　my　needle。　A　man；　in　my　place；　would　find
refuge　in　drink。　I'm　not　a　man；　and　I　can't　drink。　I'll　dawdle
over　my　dresses；　and　put　my　things　tidy。

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　*　*　*　*　*　*

〃Has　an　hour　passed？　More　than　an　hour。　It　seems　like　a　minute。

〃I　can't　look　back　through　these　leaves；　but　I　know　I　wrote
somewhere　that　I　felt　myself　getting　nearer　and　nearer　to　some
end　that　was　still　hidden　from　me。　The　end　is　hidden　no　longer。
The　cloud　is　off　my　mind；　the　blindness　has　gone　from　my　eyes。　I
see　it！　I　see　it！

〃It　came　to　meI　never　sought　it。　If　I　was　lying　on　my
death…bed；　I　could　swear；　with　a　safe　conscience；　I　never　sought
it。

〃I　was　only　looking　over　my　things；　I　was　as　idly　and　as
frivolously　employed　as　the　most　idle　and　most　frivolous　woman
living。　I　went　through　my　dresses；　and　my　linen。　What　could　be
more　innocent？　Children　go　through　their　dresses　and　their　linen。

〃It　was；　such　a　long　summer　day；　and　I　was　so　tired　of　myself。　I
went　to　my　boxes　next。　I　looked　over　the　large　box　first；　which　I
usually　leave　open；　and　then　I　tried　the　small　box；　which　I
always　keep　locked。

〃From　one　thing　to　the　other；　I　came　at　last　to　the　bundle　of
letters　at　the　bottomthe　letters　of　the　man　for　whom　I　once
sacrificed　and　suffered　everything；　the　man　who　has　made　me　what
I　am。

〃A　hundred　times　I　had　determined　to　burn　his　letters；　but　I　have
never　burned　them。　This；　time；　all　I　said　wa　s；　'I　won't　read　his
letters！'　And　I　did　read　them。

〃The　villainthe　false；　cowardly；　heartless　villainwhat　have　I
to　do　with　his　letters　now？　Oh；　the　misery　of　being　a　woman！　Oh；
the　meanness　that　our　memory　of　a　man　can　tempt　us　to；　when　our
love　for　him　is　dead　and　gone！　I　read　the　lettersI　was　so
lonely　and　so　miserable；　I　read　the　letters。

〃I　came　to　the　lastthe　letter　he　wrote　to　encourage　me；　when　I
hesitated　as　the　terrible　time　came　nearer　and　nearer；　the　letter
that