the club of queer trades-第10章

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〃I　yelled；　and　yelledI　was　in　for　it　now。　I　screamed　comic　refrains　that　vulgar　young　men　had　sung；　to　my　regret；　at　our　village　concerts；　I　rolled　to　and　fro　like　a　ninepin　about　to　fall。

〃‘If　you　can't　get　your　friend　on　quiet；　ladies；'　said　the　policeman；　‘I　shall　have　to　take　'er　up。　Drunk　and　disorderly　she　is　right　enough。'

〃I　redoubled　my　efforts。　I　had　not　been　brought　up　to　this　sort　of　thing；　but　I　believe　I　eclipsed　myself。　Words　that　I　did　not　know　I　had　ever　heard　of　seemed　to　come　pouring　out　of　my　open　mouth。

〃‘When　we　get　you　past；'　whispered　Bill；　‘you'll　howl　louder；　you'll　howl　louder　when　we're　burning　your　feet　off。'

〃I　screamed　in　my　terror　those　awful　songs　of　joy。　In　all　the　nightmares　that　men　have　ever　dreamed；　there　has　never　been　anything　so　blighting　and　horrible　as　the　faces　of　those　five　men；　looking　out　of　their　poke…bonnets；　the　figures　of　district　visitors　with　the　faces　of　devils。　I　cannot　think　there　is　anything　so　heart…breaking　in　hell。

〃For　a　sickening　instant　I　thought　that　the　bustle　of　my　companions　and　the　perfect　respectability　of　all　our　dresses　would　overcome　the　policeman　and　induce　him　to　let　us　pass。　He　wavered；　so　far　as　one　can　describe　anything　so　solid　as　a　policeman　as　wavering。　I　lurched　suddenly　forward　and　ran　my　head　into　his　chest；　calling　out　（if　I　remember　correctly）；　‘Oh；　crikey；　blimey；　Bill。'　It　was　at　that　moment　that　I　remembered　most　dearly　that　I　was　the　Vicar　of　Chuntsey；　in　Essex。

〃My　desperate　coup　saved　me。　The　policeman　had　me　hard　by　the　back　of　the　neck。

〃‘You　come　along　with　me；'　he　began；　but　Bill　cut　in　with　his　perfect　imitation　of　a　lady's　finnicking　voice。

〃‘Oh；　pray；　constable；　don't　make　a　disturbance　with　our　poor　friend。　We　will　get　her　quietly　home。　She　does　drink　too　much；　but　she　is　quite　a　ladyonly　eccentric。'

〃‘She　butted　me　in　the　stomach；'　said　the　policeman　briefly。

〃‘Eccentricities　of　genius；'　said　Sam　earnestly。

〃‘Pray　let　me　take　her　home；'　reiterated　Bill；　in　the　resumed　character　of　Miss　James；　‘she　wants　looking　after。'　‘She　does；'　said　the　policeman；　‘but　I'll　look　after　her。'

〃‘That's　no　good；'　cried　Bill　feverishly。　‘She　wants　her　friends。　She　wants　a　particular　medicine　we've　got。'

〃‘Yes；'　assented　Miss　Mowbray；　with　excitement；　‘no　other　medicine　any　good；　constable。　Complaint　quite　unique。'

〃‘I'm　all　righ'。　Cutchy；　cutchy；　coo！'　remarked；　to　his　eternal　shame；　the　Vicar　of　Chuntsey。

〃‘Look　here；　ladies；'　said　the　constable　sternly；　‘I　don't　like　the　eccentricity　of　your　friend；　and　I　don't　like　'er　songs；　or　'er　'ead　in　my　stomach。　And　now　I　come　to　think　of　it；　I　don't　like　the　looks　of　you　I've　seen　many　as　quiet　dressed　as　you　as　was　wrong　'uns。　Who　are　you？'

〃‘We've　not　our　cards　with　us；'　said　Miss　Mowbray；　with　indescribable　dignity。　‘Nor　do　we　see　why　we　should　be　insulted　by　any　Jack…in…office　who　chooses　to　be　rude　to　ladies；　when　he　is　paid　to　protect　them。　If　you　choose　to　take　advantage　of　the　weakness　of　our　unfortunate　friend；　no　doubt　you　are　legally　entitled　to　take　her。　But　if　you　fancy　you　have　any　legal　right　to　bully　us；　you　will　find　yourself　in　the　wrong　box。'

〃The　truth　and　dignity　of　this　staggered　the　policeman　for　a　moment。　Under　cover　of　their　advantage　my　five　persecutors　turned　for　an　instant　on　me　faces　like　faces　of　the　damned　and　then　swished　off　into　the　darkness。　When　the　constable　first　turned　his　lantern　and　his　suspicions　on　to　them；　I　had　seen　the　telegraphic　look　flash　from　face　to　face　saying　that　only　retreat　was　possible　now。

〃By　this　time　I　was　sinking　slowly　to　the　pavement；　in　a　state　of　acute　reflection。　So　long　as　the　ruffians　were　with　me；　I　dared　not　quit　the　role　of　drunkard。　For　if　I　had　begun　to　talk　reasonably　and　explain　the　real　case；　the　officer　would　merely　have　thought　that　I　was　slightly　recovered　and　would　have　put　me　in　charge　of　my　friends。　Now；　however；　if　I　liked　I　might　safely　undeceive　him。

〃But　I　confess　I　did　not　like。　The　chances　of　life　are　many；　and　it　may　doubtless　sometimes　lie　in　the　narrow　path　of　duty　for　a　clergyman　of　the　Church　of　England　to　pretend　to　be　a　drunken　old　woman；　but　such　necessities　are；　I　imagine；　sufficiently　rare　to　appear　to　many　improbable。　Suppose　the　story　got　about　that　I　had　pretended　to　be　drunk。　Suppose　people　did　not　all　think　it　was　pretence！

〃I　lurched　up；　the　policeman　half…lifting　me。　I　went　along　weakly　and　quietly　for　about　a　hundred　yards。　The　officer　evidently　thought　that　I　was　too　sleepy　and　feeble　to　effect　an　escape；　and　so　held　me　lightly　and　easily　enough。　Past　one　turning；　two　turnings；　three　turnings；　four　turnings；　he　trailed　me　with　him；　a　limp　and　slow　and　reluctant　figure。　At　the　fourth　turning；　I　suddenly　broke　from　his　hand　and　tore　down　the　street　like　a　maddened　stag。　He　was　unprepared；　he　was　heavy；　and　it　was　dark。　I　ran　and　ran　and　ran；　and　in　five　minutes'　running；　found　I　was　gaining。　In　half　an　hour　I　was　out　in　the　fields　under　the　holy　and　blessed　stars；　where　I　tore　off　my　accursed　shawl　and　bonnet　and　buried　them　in　clean　earth。〃

The　old　gentleman　had　finished　his　story　and　leant　back　in　his　chair。　Both　the　matter　and　the　manner　of　his　narration　had；　as　time　went　on；　impressed　me　favourably。　He　was　an　old　duffer　and　pedant；　but　behind　these　things　he　was　a　country…bred　man　and　gentleman；　and　had　showed　courage　and　a　sporting　instinct　in　the　hour　of　desperation。　He　had　told　his　story　with　many　quaint　formalities　of　diction；　but　also　with　a　very　convincing　realism。

〃And　now〃　I　began。

〃And　now；〃　said　Shorter；　leaning　forward　again　with　something　like　servile　energy；　〃and　now；　Mr　Swinburne；　what　about　that　unhappy　man　Hawker。　I　cannot　tell　what　those　men　meant；　or　how　far　what　they　said　was　real。　But　surely　there　is　danger。　I　cannot　go　to　the　police；　for　reasons　that　you　perceive。　Among　other　things；　they　wouldn't　believe　me。　What　is　to　be　done？〃

I　took　out　my　watch。　It　was　already　half　past　twelve。

〃My　friend　Basil　Grant；〃　I　said；　〃is　the　best　man　we　can　go　to。　He　and　I　were　to　have　gone　to　the　same　dinner　tonight；　but　he　will　just　have　come　back　by　now。　Have　you　any　objection　to　taking　a　cab？〃

〃Not　at　all；〃　he　replied；　rising　politely；　and　gathering　up　his　absurd　plaid　shawl。

A　rattle　in　a　hansom　brought　us　underneath　the　sombre　pile　of　workmen's　flats　in　Lambeth　which　Grant　inhabited；　a　climb　up　a　wearisome　wooden　staircase　brought　us　to　his　garret。　When　I　entered　that　wooden　and　scrappy　interior；　the　white　gleam　of　Basil's　shirt…front　and　the　lustre　of　his　fur　coat　flung　on　the　wooden　settle；　struck　me　as　a　contrast。　He　was　drinking　a　glass　of　wine　before　retiring。　I　was　right；　he　had　come　back　from　the　dinner…party。

He　listened　to　the　repetition　of　the　story　of　the　Rev。　Ellis　Shorter　with　the　genuine　simplicity　and　respect　which　he　never　failed　to　exhibit　in　dealing　with　any　human　being。　When　it　was　over　he　said　simply：

〃Do　you　know　a　man　named　Captain　Fraser？〃

I　was　so　startled　at　this　totally　irrelevant　reference　to　the　worthy　collector　of　chimpanzees　with　whom　I　ought　to　have　dined　that　evening；　that　I　glanced　sharply　at　Grant。　The　result　was　that　I　did　not　look　at　Mr　Shorter。　I　only　heard　him　answer；　in　his　most　nervous　tone；　〃No。〃

Basil；　however；　seemed　to　find　something　very　curious　about　his　answer　or　his　demeanour　generally；　for　he　kept　his　big　blue　eyes　fixed　on　the　old　clergyman；　and　though　the　eyes　were　quite　quiet　they　stood　out　more　and　more　from　his　head。

〃You　are　quite　sure；　Mr　Shorter；〃　he　repeated；　〃that　you　don't　know　Captain　Fraser？〃

〃Quite；〃　answered　the　vicar；　and　I　was　certainly　puzzled　to　find　him　returning　so　much　to　the　timidity；　not　to　say　the　demoralization；　of　his　tone　when　he　first　entered　my　presence。

Basil　sprang　smartly　to　his　feet。

〃Then　our　course　is　clear；〃　he　said。　〃You　have　not　even　begun　your　investigation；　my　dear　Mr　Shorter；　the　first　thing　for　us　to　do　is　to　go　together　to　see　Captain　Fraser。〃

〃When？〃　asked　the　clergyman；　stammering。

〃Now；〃　said　Basil；　putting　one　arm　in　his　fur　coat。

The　old　clergyman　rose　to　his　feet；　quaking　all　over。

〃I　really　do　not　think　that　it　is　necessary；〃　he　said。

Basil　took　his　arm　out　of　the　fur　coat；　threw　it　over　the　chair　again；　and　put　his　hands　in　his　pockets。

〃Oh；〃　he　said；　with　emphasis。　〃Ohyou　don't　think　it　necessary；　then；〃　and　he　added　the　words　with　great　clearness　and　deliberation；　〃then；　Mr　Ellis　Shorter；　I　can　only　say　that　I　would　like　to　see　you　without　your　whiskers。〃

And　at　these　words　I　also　rose　to　my　feet；　for　the　great　tragedy　of　my　life　had　come。　Splendid　and　exciting　as　life　was　in　continual　contact　with　an　intellect　like　Basil's；　I　had　always　the　feeling　that　that　splendour　and　excitement　were　on　the　borderland　of　sanity。　He　lived　perpetually　near　the　vision　of　the　reason　of　things　which　makes　men　lose　their　reason。　And　I　felt　of　his　insanity　as　men　feel　of　the　death　of　friends　with　heart　disease。　It　might　come　anywhere；　in　a　field；　in　a　hansom　cab；　looking　at　a　sunset；　smoking　a　cigarette。　It　had　come　now。　At　the　very　moment　of　delivering　a　judgement　for　the　salvation　of　a　fellow　creature；　Basil　Grant　had　gone　mad。

〃Your　whiskers；〃　he　cried；　advancing　with　blazing　eyes。　〃Give　me　your　whiskers。　And　your　bald　head。〃

The　old　vicar　naturally　retreated　a　step　or　two。　I　stepped　between。

〃Sit　down；　Basil；〃　I　implored；　〃you're　a　little　excited。　Finish　your　wine。〃

〃Whiskers；〃　he　answered　sternly；　〃whiskers。〃

And　with　that　he　made　a　dash　at　the　old　gentleman；　who　made　a　dash　for　the　door；　but　was　intercepted。　And　then；　before　I　knew　where　I　was　the　quiet　room　was　turned　into　something　between　a　pantomime　and　a　pandemonium　by　those　two。　Chairs　were　flung　over　with　a　crash；　tables　were　vaulted　with　a　noise　like　thunder；　screens　were　smashed；　crockery　scattered　in　smithereens；　and　still　Basil　Grant　bounded　and　bellowed　after　the　Rev。　Ellis　Shorter。

And　now　I　began　to　perceive　something　else；　which　added　the　last　half…witted　touch　to　my　mystification。　The　Rev。　Ellis　Shorter；　of　Chuntsey；　in　Essex；　was　by　no　means　behaving　as　I　had　previously　noticed　him　to　behave；　or　as；　considering　his　age　and　station；　I　should　have　expected　him　to　behave。　His　power　of　dodging；　leaping；　and　fighting　would　have　been　amazing　in　a　lad　of　seventeen；　and　in　this　doddering　old　vicar　looked　like　a　sort　of　farcical　fairy…tale。　Moreover；　he　did　not　seem　to　be　so　much　astonished　as　I　had　thought。　There　was　even　a　look　of　something　like　enjoyment　in　his　eyes；　so　there　was　in　the　eye　of　Basil。　In　fact；　the　unintelligible　truth　must　be　told。　They　were　both　laughing。

At　length　Shorter　was　cornered。

〃Come；　come；　Mr　Grant；〃　he　panted；　〃you　can't　do　anything　to　me。　It's　quite　legal。　And　it　doesn't　do　any　one　the　least　harm。　It's　only　a　social　fiction。　A　result　of　our　complex　society；　Mr　Grant。〃

〃I　don't　blame　you；　my　man；〃　said　Basil　coolly。　〃But　I　want　your　whiskers。　And　your　bald　head。　Do　they　belong　to　Captain　Fraser？〃

〃No；　no；〃　said　Mr　Shorter；　laughing；　〃we　provide　them　ourselves。　They　don't　belong　to　Captain　Fraser。〃

〃What　the　deuce　does　all　this　mean？〃　I　almost　screamed。　〃Are　you　all　in　an　infernal　nightmare？　Why　should　Mr　Shorter's　bald　head　belong　to　Captain　Fraser？　How　could　it？　What　the