the daisy chain, or aspirations-第106章

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The　old　cedar…tree　stood　up　in　stately　blackness　against　the　sky；　and
the　lights　in　the　house　glanced　behind　it。　　The　servants　looked
rather　surprised　to　see　Ethel；　as　if　she　were　not　expected；　and
conducted　her　to　the　great　drawing…room；　which　looked　the　more
desolate　and　solitary；　from　the　glare　of　lamplight；　falling　on　the
empty　seats　which　Ethel　had　lately　seen　filled　with　a　glad　home
party。　　She　was　looking　round；　thinking　whether　to　venture　up　to
Meta's　room；　and　there　summon　Bellairs；　when　Meta　came　gliding　in；
and　threw　her　arms　round　her。　　Ethel　could　not　speak；　but　Meta's
voice　was　more　cheerful　than　she　had　expected。　　〃How　kind　of　you；
dear　Ethel！〃

〃Papa　sent　for　me；〃　said　Ethel。

〃He　is　so　kind！　　Can　Margaret　spare　you？〃

〃Oh；　yes；　but　you　must　leave　me。　　You　must　want　to　be　with　him。〃

〃He　never　lets　me　come　in　when　he　has　these　attacks；〃　said　Meta。　　〃If
he　only　would！　　But　will　you　come　up　to　my　room？　　That　is　nearer。〃

〃Is　papa　with　him？〃

〃Yes。〃

Meta　wound　her　arms　round　Ethel；　and　led　her　up　to　her　sitting…room；
where　a　book　lay　on　the　table。　　She　said　that　her　father　had　seemed
weary　and　torpid；　and　had　sat　still　until　almost　their　late　dinner…
hour；　when　he　seemed　to　bethink　himself　of　dressing；　and　had　risen。
She　thought　he　walked　weakly；　and　rather　tottering；　and　had　run　to
make　him　lean　on　her；　which　he　did；　as　far　as　his　own　room　door。
There　he　had　kissed　her；　and　thanked　her；　and　murmured　a　word　like
blessing。　　She　had　not；　however；　been　alarmed；　until　his　servant　had
come　to　tell　her　that　he　had　another　seizure。

Ethel　asked　whether　she　had　seen　Dr。　May　since　he　had　been　with　her
father。　　She　had；　but　Ethel　was　surprised　to　find　that　she　had　not
taken　in　the　extent　of　his　fears。　　She　had　become　so　far　accustomed
to　these　attacks；　that；　though　anxious　and　distressed；　she　did　not
apprehend　more　than　a　few　days'　weakness；　and　her　chief　longing　was
to　be　of　use。　　She　was　speaking　cheerfully　of　beginning　her　nursing
to…morrow；　and　of　her　great　desire　that　her　papa　would　allow　her　to
sit　up　with　him；　when　there　was　a　slow；　reluctant　movement　of　the
lock　of　the　door；　and　the　two　girls　sprang　to　their　feet；　as　Dr。　May
opened　it；　and　Ethel　read　his　countenance　at　once。

Not　so　Meta。　　〃How　is　he？　　May　I　go　to　him？〃　cried　she。

〃Not　now；　my　dear；〃　said　Dr。　May；　putting　his　hand　on　her　shoulder；
in　a　gentle；　detaining　manner；　that　sent　a　thrill　of　trembling
through　her　frame；　though　she　did　not　otherwise　move。　　She　only
clasped　her　hands　together；　and　looked　up　into　his　face。　　He　answered
the　look。　　〃Yes；　my　dear；　the　struggle　is　over。〃

Ethel　came　near；　and　put　her　arm　round　Meta's　waist；　as　if　to
strengthen　her；　as　she　stood　quite　passive　and　still。

Dr。　May　seemed　to　think　it　best　that　all　should　be　told；　but；　though
intently　watching　Meta；　he　directed　his　words　to　his　own　daughter。
〃Thank　Heaven；　it　has　been　shorter；　and　less　painful；　than　I　had
dared　to　hope。〃

Meta　tried　to　speak；　but　could　not　bring　out　the　words；　and；　with　an
imploring　look　at　Ethel；　as　if　to　beg　her　to　make　them　clear　for　her；
she　inarticulately　murmured；　〃Oh！　why　did　you　not　call　me？〃

〃I　could　not。　　He　would　not　let　me。　　His　last　conscious　word　to　me
was　not　to　let　you　see　him　suffer。〃

Meta　wrung　her　clasped　hands　together　in　mute　anguish。　　Dr。　May
signed　to　Ethel　to　guide　her　back　to　the　sofa；　but　the　movement
seemed　so　far　to　rouse　her；　that　she　said；　〃I　should　like　to　go　to
bed。〃

〃Rightthe　best　thing；〃　said　Dr。　May；　and　he　whispered　to　Ethel；　〃Go
with　her；　but　don't　try　to　rouse　herdon't　talk　to　her。　　Come　back
to　me；　presently。〃

He　did　not　even　shake　hands　with　Meta；　nor　wish　her　good…night；　as
she　disappeared　into　her　own　room。

Bellairs　undressed　her；　and　Ethel　stood　watching；　till　the　young
head；　under　the　load　of　sorrow；　so　new　to　it；　was　laid　on　the　pillow。
Bellairs　asked　her　if　she　would　have　a　light。

〃No；　no；　thank　youthe　dark　and　alone。　　Good…night；〃　said　Meta。
Ethel　went　back　to　the　sitting…room；　where　her　father　was　standing　at
the　window；　looking　out　into　the　night。　　He　turned　as　she　came　in；
folded　her　in　his　arms；　and　kissed　her　forehead。　　〃And　how　is　the
poor　little　dear？〃　he　asked。

〃The　same；〃　said　Ethel。　　〃I　can't　bear　to　leave　her　alone；　and　to
have　said　nothing　to　comfort　her。〃

〃It　is　too　soon　as　yet；〃　said　Dr。　May〃her　mind　has　not　taken　it　in。
I　hope　she　will　sleep　all　night；　and　have　more　strength　to　look　at　it
when　she　wakens。〃

〃She　was　utterly　unprepared。〃

〃I　could　not　make　her　understand　me；〃　said　Dr。　May。

〃And；　oh；　papa；　what　a　pity　she　was　not　there！〃

〃It　was　no　sight　for　her；　till　the　last　few　minutes；　and　his　whole
mind　seemed　bent　on　sparing　her。　　What　tenderness　it　has　been。〃

〃Must　we　leave　her　to　herself　all　night？〃

〃Better　so；〃　said　Dr。　May。　　〃She　has　been　used　to　loneliness；　and　to
thrust　companionship　on　her　would　be　only　harassing。〃

Ethel；　who　scarcely　knew　what　it　was　to　be　alone；　looked　as　if　she
did　not　understand。

〃I　used　to　try　to　force　consolation　on　people；〃　said　Dr。　May；　〃but　I
know；　now；　that　it　can　only　be　done　by　following　their　bent。〃

〃You　have　seen　so　many　sorrows；〃　said　Ethel。

〃I　never　understood　till　I　felt；〃　said　Dr。　May。　　〃Those　few　first
days　were　a　lesson。〃

〃I　did　not　think　you　knew　what　was　passing；〃　said　Ethel。

〃I　doubt　whether　any　part　of　my　life　is　more　distinctly　before　me
than　those　two　days；〃　said　Dr。　May。　　〃Flora　coming　in　and　out；　and
poor　Alan　sitting　by　me；　but　I　don't　believe　I　had　any　will。　　I　could
no　more　have　moved　my　mind　than　my　broken　arm；　and　I　verily　think；
Ethel；　that；　but　for　that　merciful　torpor；　I　should　have　been
frantic。　　It　taught　me　never　to　disturb　grief。〃

〃And　what　shall　we　do？〃

〃You　must　stay　with　her　till　Flora　comes。　　I　will　be　here　as　much　as
I　can。　　She　is　our　charge；　till　they　come　home。　　I　told　him；　between
the　spasms；　that　I　had　sent　for　you；　and　he　seemed　pleased。〃

〃If　only　I　were　anybody　else！〃

Dr。　May　again　threw　his　arm　round　her；　and　looked　into　her　face。　　He
felt　that　he　had　rather　have　her；　such　as　she　was；　than　anybody　else；
and；　together；　they　sat　down；　and　talked　of　what　was　to　be　done；　and
what　was　best　for　Meta；　and　of　the　solemnity　of　being　in　the　house　of
death。　　Ethel　felt　and　showed　it　so　much；　in　her　subdued；　awe…struck
manner；　that　her　father　felt　checked　whenever　he　was　about　to　return
to　his　ordinary　manner；　familiarised；　as　he　necessarily　was；　with　the
like　scenes。　　It　drew　him　back　to　the　thought　of　their　own　trouble；
and　their　conversation　recurred　to　those　days；　so　that　each　gained　a
more　full　understanding　of　the　other；　and　they　at　length　separated；
certainly　with　the　more　peaceful　and　soft　feelings　for　being　in　the
abode　of　mourning。

Bellairs　promised　to　call　Ethel；　to　be　with　her　young　lady　as　early
as　might　be；　reporting　that　she　was　sound　asleep。　　And　sleep
continued　to　shield　her　till　past　her　usual　hour；　so　that　Ethel　was
up；　and　had　been　with　Dr。　May；　before　she　was　summoned　to　her；　and
then　she　found　her　half　dressed；　and　hastening　that　she　might　not
make　Dr。　May　late　for　breakfast；　and　in　going　to　his　patients。　　There
was　an　elasticity　in　the　happily　constituted　young　mind　that　could
not　be　entirely　struck　down；　nor　deprived　of　power　of　taking　thought
for　others。　　Yet　her　eyes　looked　wandering；　and　unlike　themselves；
and　her　words；　now　and　then；　faltered；　as　if　she　was　not　sure　what
she　was　doing　or　saying。　　Ethel　told　her　not　to　mindDr。　Spencer
would　take　care　of　the　patients；　but　she　did　not　seem　to　recollect；
at　first；　who　Dr。　Spencer　was；　nor　to　care　for　being　reminded。

Breakfast　was　laid　out　in　the　little　sitting…room。　　Ethel　wanted　to
take　the　trouble　off　her　hands；　but　she　would　not　let　her。　　She　sat
behind　her　urn；　and　asked　about　tea　or　coffee；　quite　accurately；　in　a
low；　subdued　voice；　that　nearly　overcame　Dr。　May。　　When　the　meal　was
over；　and　she　had　rung　the　bell；　and　risen　up；　as　if　to　her　daily
work；　she　turned　round；　with　that　piteous；　perplexed　air；　and　stood
for　a　moment；　as　if　confused。

〃Cannot　we　help　you？〃　said　Ethel。

〃I　don't　know。　　Thank　you。　　But；　Dr。　May；　I　must　not　keep　you　from
other　people〃

〃I　have　no　one　to　go　to　this　morning；〃　said　Dr。　May。　　〃I　am　ready　to
stay　with　you；　my　dear。〃

Meta　came　closer　to　him；　and　murmured；　〃Thank　you！〃

The　breakfast　things　had；　by　this　time；　been　taken　away；　and　Meta；
looking　to　see　that　the　door　had　shut　for　the　last　time；　said；　in　a
low　voice；　〃Now　tell　me〃

Dr。　May　drew　her　down　to　sit　on　the　sofa　beside　him；　and；　in　his
soft；　sweet　voice；　told　her　all　that　she　wished　to　learn　of　her
father's　last　hours；　and　was　glad　to　see　showers　of　quiet；　wholesome
tears　drop　freely　down；　but　without　violence；　and　she　scarcely
attempted　to　speak。　　There　was　a　pause　at　the　end；　and　then　she　said
gently；　〃Thank　you；　for　it　all。　　Dear　papa！〃　　And　she　rose　up；　and
went　back　to　her　room。

〃She　has　learned　to　dwell　apart；〃　said　Dr。　May；　much　moved。

〃How　beautiful　she　bears　up！〃　said　Ethel。

〃It　has　been　a　life　which；　as　she　has　used　it；　has　taught　her
strength　and　self…dependence　in　the　midst　of　prosperity。〃

〃Yes；〃　said　Ethel；　〃she　has　trained　herself　by　her　dread　of　self…
indulgence；　and　seeking　after　work。　　But　oh！　what　a　break　up　it　is
for　her！　　I　cannot　think　how　she　holds　up。　　Shall　I　go　to　her？〃

〃I　think　not。　　She　knows　the　way　to　the　only　Comforter。　　I　am　not
afraid　of　her　after　those　blessed　tears。〃

Dr。　May　was　right；　Meta　presently　returned　to　them；　in　the　same
gentle　subdued　sadness；　enfolding　her；　indeed；　as　a　flower　weighed
down　by　mist；　but　not　crushing　nor　taking　away　her　powers。　　It　was　as
if　she　were　truly　upheld；　and　thankful　to　her　friends　as　she　was；　she
did　not　throw　herself　on　them　in　utter　dependence　or　self…
abandonment。

She　wrote　needful　letters；　shedding　many　tears　over　them；　and　often
obliged　to　leave　off　to　give　the　blinding　weeping　its　course；　but
refusing　to　impose　any　unnecessary　task　upon　Dr。　May's　lame　arm。　　All
that　was　right；　she　strove　to　do；　she　saw　Mr。　Charles　Wilmot；　and　was
refreshed　by　his　reading　to　her；　and　when　Dr。　May　desired　it；　she
submissively　put　on　her　bonnet；　and　took　several　turns　with　Ethel　in
the　shrubbery；　though　it　made　her　cry　heartily　to　look　into　the
downstairs　rooms。　　And　she　lay　on　the　sofa　at　last；　owning　herself
strangely　tired；　she　did　not　know　why；　and　glad　that　Ethel　should
read　to　her。　　By　and　by；　she　went　to　dress　for　the　evening；　and　came
back；　full　of　the　tidings　that　one　of　the　children　in　the　village　had
been　badly　burned。　　It　occupied　her　very　muchshe　made　Ethel　promise
to　go　and　see　about　her　to…morrow；　and　sent　Bellairs　at　once　with
every　comfort　that　she　could　devise。

On　the　whole；　those　two　days　were　to　Ethel　a　peaceful　and　comfortable
time。　　She　saw　more　than　usual　of　her　father；　and　had　such
conversations　with　him　as　were　seldom　practicable　at　home；　and　that
chimed　in　with　the　unavowed　care　which　hung　on　their　minds；　while
Meta　was　a　most　sweet　and　loving　charge；　without　being　a　burden；　and
often　saying　such　beautiful　things　in　her　affectionate　resignation；
that　Ethel　could　only　admire　and　lay　them　up　in　her　mind。　　Dr。　May
went　backwards