adam bede(亚当[1].比德)-第82章
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hands till it’s clear what we mean by ’t。 I was wrong when I spoke
as if you’d done me an injury knowingly； but I wasn’t wrong in
what I said before； about your behaviour t’ Hetty； and I can’t
shake hands with you as if I held you my friend the same as ever
till you’ve cleared that up better。”
Arthur swallowed his pride and resentment as he drew back his
hand。 He was silent for some moments； and then said； as
indifferently as he could； “I don’t know what you mean by clearing
up； Adam。 I’ve told you already that you think too seriously of a
little flirtation。 But if you are right in supposing there is any
danger in it—I’m going away on Saturday； and there will be an
end of it。 As for the pain it has given you； I’m heartily sorry for it。 I
can say no more。”
Adam said nothing； but rose from his chair and stood with his
face towards one of the windows； as if looking at the blackness of
the moonlit fir…trees； but he was in reality conscious of nothing but
the conflict within him。 It was of no use now—his resolution not to
speak till to…morrow。 He must speak there and then。 But it was
several minutes before he turned round and stepped nearer to
Arthur； standing and looking down on him as he lay。
“It’ll be better for me to speak plain；” he said； with evident
effort； “though it’s hard work。 You see； sir； this isn’t a trifle to me；
whatever it may be to you。 I’m none o’ them men as can go making
love first to one woman and then t’ another； and don’t think it
much odds which of ’em I take。 What I feel for Hetty’s a different
sort o’ love； such as I believe nobody can know much about but
them as feel it and God as has given it to ’em。 She’s more nor
everything else to me； all but my conscience and my good name。
And if it’s true what you’ve been saying all along—and if it’s only
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been trifling and flirting as you call it； as ’ll be put an end to by
your going away—why； then； I’d wait； and hope her heart ’ud turn
to me after all。 I’m loath to think you’d speak false to me； and I’ll
believe your word； however things may look。”
“You would be wronging Hetty more than me not to believe it；”
said Arthur； almost violently； starting up from the ottoman and
moving away。 But he threw himself into a chair again directly；
saying； more feebly； “You seem to forget that； in suspecting me；
you are casting imputations upon her。”
“Nay； sir；” Adam said； in a calmer voice； as if he were half…
relieved—for he was too straightforward to make a distinction
between a direct falsehood and an indirect one—“Nay； sir； things
don’t lie level between Hetty and you。 You’re acting with your eyes
open； whatever you may do； but how do you know what’s been in
her mind？ She’s all but a child—as any man with a conscience in
him ought to feel bound to take care on。 And whatever you may
think； I know you’ve disturbed her mind。 I know she’s been fixing
her heart on you； for there’s a many things clear to me now as I
didn’t understand before。 But you seem to make light o’ what she
may feel—you don’t think o’ that。”
“Good God； Adam； let me alone！” Arthur burst out impetuously；
“I feel it enough without your worrying me。”
He was aware of his indiscretion as soon as the words had
escaped him。
“Well； then； if you feel it；” Adam rejoined； eagerly； “if you feel
as you may ha’ put false notions into her mind； and made her
believe as you loved her； when all the while you meant nothing；
I’ve this demand to make of you—I’m not speaking for myself； but
for her。 I ask you t’ undeceive her before you go away。 Y’ aren’t
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going away for ever； and if you leave her behind with a notion in
her head o’ your feeling about her the same as she feels about you；
she’ll be hankering after you； and the mischief may get worse。 It
may be a smart to her now； but it’ll save her pain i’ th’ end。 I ask
you to write a letter—you may trust to my seeing as she gets it。
Tell her the truth； and take blame to yourself for behaving as
you’d no right to do to a young woman as isn’t your equal。 I speak
plain； sir； but I can’t speak any other way。 There’s nobody can
take care o’ Hetty in this thing but me。”
“I can do what I think needful in the matter；” said Arthur； more
and more irritated by mingled distress and perplexity； “without
giving promises to you。 I shall take what measures I think proper。”
“No；” said Adam； in an abrupt decided tone； “that won’t do。 I
must know what ground I’m treading on。 I must be safe as you’ve
put an end to what ought never to ha’ been begun。 I don’t forget
what’s owing to you as a gentleman； but in this thing we’re man
and man； and I can’t give up。”
There was no answer for some moments。 Then Arthur said； “I’ll
see you to…morrow。 I can bear no more now； I’m ill。” He rose as he
spoke； and reached his cap； as if intending to go。
“You won’t see her again！” Adam exclaimed； with a flash of
recurring anger and suspicion； moving towards the door and
placing his back against it。 “Either tell me she can never be my
wife—tell me you’ve been lying—or else promise me what I’ve
said。”
Adam； uttering this alternative； stood like a terrible fate before
Arthur； who had moved forward a step or two； and now stopped；
faint； shaken； sick in mind and body。 It seemed long to both of
them—that inward struggle of Arthur’s—before he said； feebly； “I
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promise； let me go。”
Adam moved away from the door and opened it； but when
Arthur reached the step； he stopped again and leaned against the
door…post。
“You’re not well enough to walk alone； sir；” said Adam。 “Take
my arm again。”
Arthur made no answer； and presently walked on； Adam
following。 But； after a few steps； he stood still again； and said；
coldly； “I believe I must trouble you。 It’s getting late now； and
there may be an alarm set up about me at home。”
Adam gave his arm； and they walked on without uttering a
word； till they came where the basket and the tools lay。
“I must pick up the tools； sir；” Adam said。 “They’re my
brother’s。 I doubt they’ll be rusted。 If you’ll please to wait a
minute。”
Arthur stood still without speaking； and no other word passed
between them till they were at the side entrance； where he hoped
to get in without being seen by any one。 He said then； “Thank you；
I needn’t trouble you any further。”
“What time will it be conven’ent for me to see you to…morrow；
sir？” said Adam。
“You may send me word that you’re here at five o’clock；” said
Arthur； “not before。”
“Good…night； sir；” said Adam。 But he heard no reply； Arthur
had turned into the house。
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Chapter XXIX
The Next Morning
rthur did not pass a sleepless night； he slept long and well。
AFor sleep comes to the perplexed—if the perplexed are
only weary enough。 But at seven he rang his bell and
astonished Pym by declaring he was going to get up； and must
have breakfast brought to him at eight。
“And see that my mare is saddled at half…past eight； and tell my
grandfather when he’s down that I’m better this morning and am
gone for a ride。”
He had been awake an hour； and could rest in bed no longer。 In
bed our yesterdays are too oppressive： if a man can only get up；
though it be but to whistle or to smoke； he has a present which
offers some resistance to the past—sensations which assert
themselves against tyrannous memories。 And if there were such a
thing as taking averages of feeling； it would certainly be found that
in the hunting and shooting seasons regret； self…reproach； and
mortified pride weigh lighter on country gentlemen than in late
spring and summer。 Arthur felt that he should be more of a man
on horseback。 Even the presence of Pym； waiting on him with the
usual deference； was a reassurance to him after the scenes of
yesterday。 For； with Arthur’s sensitiveness to opinion； the loss of
Adam’s respect was a shock to his self…contentment which
suffused his imagination with the sense that he had sunk in all
eyes—as a sudden shock of fear from some real peril makes a
nervous woman afraid even to step； because all her perceptions
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are suffused with a sense of danger。
Arthur’s； as you know； was a loving nature。 Deeds of
