lmb.shardsofhonor-第7章

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atrol　down　to　pick　me　up　before　now。　Now　who　in　my　mand　is　so　confused　in　his　thinking　as　to　betray　both　sides　at　once？　Or　am　I　missing　something？〃
　〃Maybe　they're　all　still　chasing　my　ship；〃　suggested　Cordelia。
　〃Where　is　your　ship？〃
　Honesty　should　be　safely　academic　by　now；　Cordelia　calculated。　〃Well　on　its　way　back　to　Beta　Colony。〃
　〃Unless　they've　been　captured。〃
　〃No。　They　were　out　of　your　range　when　I　talked　to　them。　They　may　not　be　armed；　but　they　can　run　rings　around　your　battle　cruiser。〃
　〃Hm。　Well；　it's　possible。〃
　He　doesn't　sound　surprised；　Cordelia　noted。　I'd　bet　his　secret　reports　on　our　stuff　would　give　our　counter…intelligence　people　colonic　spasms。　〃How　far　will　they　pursue？〃
　〃That's　up　to　Gottyan。　If　he　judges　he　can't　possibly　catch　them；　he'll　return　to　the　picket　station。　If　he　thinks　he　can；　he's　bound　to　make　maximum　effort。〃
　〃Why？〃
　He　glanced　sidelong　at　her。　〃I　can't　discuss　that。〃
　〃I　don't　see　why　not。　I'm　not　going　anywhere　but　a　Barrayaran　prison　cell；　for　a　while。　Funny　how　one's　standards　change。　After　this　trek；　it　will　seem　like　the　lap　of　luxury。〃
　〃I'll　try　to　see　it　doesn't　e　to　that；〃　he　smiled。
　His　eyes　bothered　her；　and　his　smile。　His　curtness　she　could　meet　and　match　with　her　own　flippancy；　guarding　herself　as　with　a　fencers　foil。　His　kindness　was　like　fencing　with　the　sea；　her　strokes　going　soft　and　losing　all　volition。　She　flinched　from　the　smile；　and　his　face　fell；　then　became　closed　and　grave　again。
　
　CHAPTER　THREE
　They　walked　in　silence　for　a　time　after　breakfast。　Vorkosigan　broke　it　first。　His　fever　seemed　to　be　eating　away　at　his　original　taciturnity。
　〃Converse　with　me。　It　will　take　my　mind　off　my　leg。〃
　〃What　about？〃
　〃Anything。〃
　She　considered；　walking。　〃Do　you　find　manding　a　warship　very　different　from　ordinary　vessels？〃
　He　thought　it　over。　〃It's　not　the　ship　that's　different。　It's　the　men。　Leadership　is　mostly　a　power　over　imagination；　and　never　more　so　than　in　bat。　The　bravest　man　alone　can　only　be　an　armed　lunatic。　The　real　strength　lies　in　the　ability　to　get　others　to　do　your　work。　Don't　you　find　it　so　even　in　the　fleets　of　Beta　Colony？〃
　Cordelia　smiled。　〃If　anything；　even　more　so。　If　it　ever　came　down　to　exerting　power　by　force；　it　would　mean　I'd　already　lost　it。　I　prefer　to　maintain　a　light　touch。　Then　I　have　the　advantage；　because　I　find　I　can　always　keep　my　temper；　or　whatever；　just　a　little　longer　than　the　next　man。〃　She　glanced　around　at　the　spring　desert。　〃I　think　civilization　must　have　been　invented　for　the　benefit　of　women；　certainly　of　mothers。　I　can't　imagine　how　my　cavewoman　ancestors　cared　for　families　under　primitive　conditions。〃
　〃I　suspect　they　worked　together　in　groups；〃　said　Vorkosigan。　〃I'll　wager　you　could　have　handled　it；　had　you　been　born　in　those　days。　You　have　the　petence　one　would　look　for　in　a　mother　of　warriors。〃
　Cordelia　wondered　if　Vorkosigan　was　pulling　her　leg。　He　did　seem　to　have　a　streak　of　dry　humor。　〃Save　me　from　that！　To　pour　your　life　into　sons　for　eighteen　or　twenty　years；　and　then　have　the　government　take　them　away　and　waste　them　cleaning　up　after　some　failure　of　politics…no　thanks。〃
　〃I　never　really　looked　at　it　that　way；〃　allowed　Vorkosigan。　He　was　quiet　for　a　time；　stumping　along　with　his　stick。　〃Suppose　they　volunteered？　Do　your　people　have　no　ideal　of　service？〃
　〃Noblesse　oblige？〃　But　it　was　her　turn　to　be　silent；　a　little　embarrassed。　〃I　suppose；　if　they　volunteered；　it　would　be　different。　However；　I　have　no　children；　so　fortunately　I　won't　have　to　face　those　decisions。〃
　〃Are　you　glad；　or　sorry？〃
　〃About　children？〃　She　glanced　at　his　face。　He　seemed　to　have　no　awareness　of　having　hit　a　sore　point　dead　on。　〃They　just　haven't　e　my　way；　I　guess。〃
　The　thread　of　their　talk　was　broken　as　they　negotiated　a　rocky　stretch　of　badlands；　full　of　sudden　clefts　opening　at　their　feet。　It　involved　some　tricky　climbing；　and　shoving　Dubauer　through　safely　took　all　her　attention。　On　the　far　side　they　took　a　break　by　unspoken　mutual　agreement；　sitting　leaning　against　a　rock　in　exhaustion。　Vorkosigan　rolled　up　his　pants　leg　and　loosened　his　boot　top　for　a　look　at　the　festering　wound　that　was　threatening　to　slow　him　to　a　halt。
　〃You　seem　a　fair　nurse。　Do　you　think　it　would　help　to　open　and　drain　it？〃　he　asked　Cordelia。
　〃I　don't　know。　I'd　be　afraid　messing　around　with　it　would　just　make　it　dirtier。〃　She　deduced　the　injury　must　be　feeling　very　much　worse　for　him　to　have　mentioned　it；　confirmed　when　he　took　half　a　painkiller　from　his　precious　and　limited　store。
　They　pressed　on；　and　Vorkosigan　began　to　talk　again。　He　told　some　sardonic　anecdotes　from　his　cadet　days；　and　described　his　father；　who　had　been　a　general　manding　ground　forces　in　his　day；　and　a　contemporary　and　friend　of　the　wily　old　man　who　was　now　Emperor。　Cordelia　caught　a　faint；　faraway　impression　of　a　cold　father　whom　a　young　son　could　never　quite　please；　even　with　his　best　efforts；　yet　who　shared　with　him　a　bond　of　underlying　loyalty。　She　described　her　mother；　a　tough…minded　medical　professional　resisting　retirement；　and　her　brother；　who　had　just　purchased　his　second　child　permit。
　〃Do　you　remember　your　mother　well？〃　Cordelia　asked。　〃She　died　when　you　were　quite　young；　I　gather。　An　accident；　like　my　father？〃
　〃No　accident。　Politics。〃　His　face　became　sober；　and　distant。　〃Had　you　not　heard　of　Yuri　Vorbarra's　Massacre？〃
　〃I…don't　know　much　about　Barrayar。〃
　〃Ah。　Well；　Emperor　Yuri；　in　the　later　days　of　his　madness；　became　extremely　paranoid　about　his　relations。　It　became　a　self…fulfilling　prophecy；　in　the　end。　He　sent　his　death　squads　out；　all　in　one　night。　The　squad　sent　for　Prince　Xav　never　got　past　his　liveried　men。　And　for　some　obscure　reason；　he　didn't　send　one　for　my　father；　presumably　because　he　wasn't　a　descendant　of　Emperor　Dorca　Vorbarra。　I　can't　imagine　what　old　Yuri　thought　he　was　about；　to　kill　my　mother　and　leave　my　father　alive。　That　was　when　my　father　threw　his　corps　behind　Ezar　Vorbarra；　in　the　civil　war　that　followed。〃
　〃Oh。〃　Her　throat　seemed　dry　and　thick　in　the　dusty　afternoon。　She　had　evoked　a　coldness　in　him；　so　that　the　film　of　sweat　on　his　forehead　seemed　suddenly　like　a　condensation。
　〃It's　been　on　my　mind。。。　You　were　talking　about　the　peculiar　things　people　do　in　a　panic；　earlier；　and　I　remembered　it。　Hadn't　thought　of　it　in　years。　When　Yuri's　men　blew　in　the　door…〃
　〃My　God；　you　weren't　present？〃
　〃Oh；　yes。　I　was　on　the　list　too；　of　course。　Each　assassin　was　assigned　a　particular　target。　The　one　assigned　to　my　mother…I　grabbed　this　knife；　a　table　knife；　by　my　plate；　and　struck　at　him。　But　right　in　front　of　me　on　the　table　there　had　been　a　good　carving　knife。　If　only　I　had　grabbed　it　instead。。。　I　might　as　well　have　struck　him　with　a　spoon。　He　just　picked　me　up；　and　threw　me　across　the　room…〃
　〃How　old　were　you？〃
　〃Eleven。　Small　for　my　age。　I　was　always　small　for　my　age。　He　cornered　her　against　the　far　wall。　He　fired　a。。。〃　He　sucked　his　lower　lip　between　his　teeth　and　chewed　it；　just　short　of　breaking　the　skin　to　bleed。　〃Odd　how　many　details　e　back　when　you　talk　about　something。　I　thought　I　had　forgotten　more。〃
　He　glanced　at　her　white　face；　and　grew　suddenly　contrite。　〃I've　disturbed　you；　with　this　babble。　I'm　sorry。　It　was　all　very　long　ago。　I　don't　know　why　I'm　talking　so　much。〃
　I　do；　thought　Cordelia。　He　was　pale　and　no　longer　sweating；　in　spite　of　the　heat。　Half…unconsciously；　he　fastened　the　top　of　his　shirt。　He　feels　cold；　she　thought；　fever　going　up。　How　far　up？　Plus　whatever　effect　those　pills　have。　This　could　get　very　scary。
　An　obscure　impulse　made　her　say；　〃I　know　what　you　mean；　though；　about　talking　bringing　it　back。　First　there　was　the　shuttle　going　up；　like　a　bullet　as　usual；　and　my　brother　waving；　which　was　silly；　because　he　couldn't　possibly　see　us…and　then　there　was　this　smear　of　light　across　the　sky；　like　a　second　sun；　and　a　rain　of　fire。　And　this　stupid　feeling　of　total　prehension。　You　wait　for　the　shock　to　set　in；　and　relieve　you…and　it　never　does。　Then　the　blank　vision。　Not　blackness；　but　this　silver…purple　glow；　for　days　after。　I　had　almost　forgotten　about　being　blinded；　till　just　now。〃
　He　stared　at　her。　〃That's　exactly…I　was　about　to　say；　he　fired　a　sonic　grenade　into　her　stomach。　I　couldn't　hear　anything　after　that　for　quite　some　time。　As　if　all　sound　had　gone　off　the　scale　of　human　reception。　Total　noise；　emptier　of　meaning　than　silence。〃
　〃Yes。。。〃　How　strange；　that　he　should　know　exactly　what　I　felt…he　says　it　better；　though。。。
　〃I　suppose　my　determination　to　be　a　soldier　stems　from　that　date。　I　mean　the　real　thing；　not　the　parades　and　the　uniforms　and　the　glamour；　but　the　logistics；　the　offensive　advantage；　the　speed　and　surprise…the　power。　A　better…prepared；　stronger；　tougher；　faster；　meaner　son…of…a…bitch　than　any　who　came　through　that　door。　My　first　bat　experience。　Not　very　successful。〃
　He　was　shivering；　now。　But　then；　so　was　she。　They　walked　on；　and　she　sought　to　turn　the　subject。　〃I've　never　been　in　bat。　What's　it　like？〃
　He　paused　thoughtfully。　Measuring　me　again；　thought　Cordelia。　And　sweating；　fever　must　be　topping　out；　for　the　moment；　thank　heavens。
　〃At　a　distance；　in　space；　there's　the　illusion　of　a　clean　and　glorious　fight。　Almost　abstract。　It　might　be　a　simulation；　or　a　game。　Reality　doesn't　break　in　unless　your　ship　is　hit。〃　He　gazed　at　the　ground　in　front　of　him；　as　if　choosing　his　path；　but　the　ground　was　very　level　there。　〃Murder…murder　is　different。　That　day　at　Komarr；　when　I　killed　my　Political　Officer…I　was　angrier　that　day　than　the　day　I…than　another　time。　But　close　up；　feeling　the　life　pass　out　under　your　hands；　seeing　that　blank　unoccupied　corpse；　you　see　your　own　death　in　the　face　of　your　victim。　Yet　he　had　betrayed　my　honor。〃
　〃I'm　not　sure　I　quite　understand　that。〃
　〃Yes。　Anger　seems　to　make　you　stronger；　not　weaker　like　me。　I　wish　I　understood　how　you　do　that。〃
　It　was　another　one　of　his　weird　unmanageable　pliments。　She　fell　silent；　looking　at　her　feet；　the　mountain　ahead；　the　sky；　anywhere　but　his　unreadable　face。　So　she　was　the　first　to　notice　the　contrail　glowing　in　the　westering　sun。
　〃Hey；　does　that　look　like　a　shuttle　up　there　to　you？〃
　〃Indeed　it　does。　Let's　watch　from　the　shade　of　that　big　bush；〃　directed　Vorkosigan。
　〃Don't　you　want　to　try　and　attract　their　attention？〃
　〃No。〃　He　turned　his　hand　palm　up　in　response　to　her　look　of　inquiry。　〃My　best　friends　and　my　deadliest　enemies　all　wear　the　same　uniform。　I　prefer　to　make　my　presence　known　as　selectively　as　possible。〃
　They　could　hear　the　distant　roar　of　the　shuttle's　engines　now　as　it　vanished　behind　the　grey…green　wooded　mountain　to　the　west。
　〃They　seem　to　be　headed　for　the　cache；〃　mented　Vorkosigan。　〃That　plicates　things。〃　He　pressed　his　lips。　〃What　are　they　doing　back　there；　I　wonder？　Could　Gottyan　have　found　the　sealed　orders？〃
　〃Surely　he'd　inherit　all　your　orders。〃
　〃Yes；　but　I　didn't　have　my　files　in　the　standard　location；　not　wishing　to　share　all　my　affairs　with　the　Council　of　Ministers。　I　don't　think　Korabik　Gottyan　could　find　what　eludes　Radnov。　Radnov's　a　clever　spy。〃
　〃Is　Radnov　a　tall；　broad…shouldered　man　with　a　face　like　an　axeblade？〃
　〃No；　that　sounds　like　Sergeant　Bothari。　Where　did　you　see　him？〃
　〃He　was　the　m