lmb.shardsofhonor-第35章

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　〃Peace；　indeed。〃　He　nuzzled　her　hair；　breathing　its　scent。　His　muscles　unwound　beneath　her　like　an　overtaut　bow　unstrung。
　A　few　weeks　after　their　marriage　they　took　their　first　trip　together；　Cordelia　acpanying　Vorkosigan　on　his　periodic　pilgrimage　to　the　Imperial　Military　Hospital　in　Vorbarr　Sultana。　They　traveled　in　a　groundcar　borrowed　from　the　Count；　Bothari　taking　what　was　evidently　his　usual　role　as　bination　driver　and　bodyguard。　To　Cordelia；　who　was　just　beginning　to　know　him　well　enough　to　see　through　his　taciturn　facade；　he　seemed　on　edge。　He　glanced　uncertainly　over　her　head；　seated　between　him　and　Vorkosigan。
　〃Did　you　tell　her；　sir？〃
　〃Yes；　everything。　It's　all　right；　Sergeant。〃
　Cordelia　added　encouragingly；　〃I　think　you're　doing　the　right　thing；　Sergeant。　I'm；　um；　very　pleased。〃
　He　relaxed　a　little；　and　almost　smiled。　〃Thank　you；　Milady。〃
　She　studied　his　profile　covertly；　her　mind　ranging　over　the　array　of　difficulties　he　would　be　taking　back　to　the　hired　village　woman　at　Vorkosigan　Surleau　this　day；　gravely　doubtful　of　his　ability　to　handle　them。　She　risked　probing　a　little。
　〃Have　you　thought　about…what　you're　going　to　tell　her　about　her　mother；　as　she　grows　older？　She's　bound　to　want　to　know　eventually。〃
　He　nodded；　was　silent；　then　spoke。　〃Going　to　tell　her　she's　dead。　Tell　her　we　were　married。　It's　not　a　good　thing　to　be　a　bastard　here。〃　His　hand　tightened　on　the　controls。　〃So　she　won't　be。　No　one　must　call　her　that。〃
　〃I　see。〃　Good　luck；　she　thought。　She　turned　to　a　lighter　question。　〃Do　you　know　what　you're　going　to　name　her？〃
　〃Elena。〃
　〃That's　pretty。　Elena　Bothari。〃
　〃It　was　her　mother's　name。〃
　Cordelia　was　surprised　into　an　unguarded　remark。　〃I　thought　you　couldn't　remember　Escobar！〃
　A　little　time　went　by；　and　he　said；　〃You　can　beat　the　memory　drugs；　some；　if　you　know　how。〃
　Vorkosigan　raised　his　eyebrows。　Evidently　this　was　new　to　him；　too。　〃How　do　you　do　that；　Sergeant？〃　he　asked；　carefully　neutral。
　〃Someone　I　knew　once　told　me。。。　You　write　down　what　you　want　to　remember；　and　think　about　it。　Then　hide　it…the　way　we　used　to　hide　your　secret　files　from　Radnov；　sir…they　never　figured　it　out　either。　Then　first　thing　when　you　get　back；　before　your　stomach　even　settles；　take　it　out　and　look　at　it。　If　you　can　remember　one　thing　on　the　list；　you　can　usually　get　the　rest；　before　they　e　back　again。　Then　do　the　same　thing　again。　And　again。　It　helps　if　you　have　an；　an　object；　too。〃
　〃Did　you　have；　ah；　an　object？〃　asked　Vorkosigan；　clearly　fascinated。
　〃Piece　of　hair。〃　He　fell　silent　again　for　a　long　time；　then　volunteered；　〃She　had　long　black　hair。　It　smelled　nice。
　Cordelia；　boggled　and　bemused　by　the　implications　of　his　story；　settled　back　and　found　something　to　look　at　out　the　canopy。　Vorkosigan　looked　faintly　illuminated；　like　a　man　who'd　found　a　key　piece　in　a　difficult　puzzle。　She　watched　the　varied　scenery；　enjoying　the　clear　sunlight；　summer　air　so　cool　one　needed　no　protective　devices；　and　the　little　glimpses　of　green　and　water　in　the　hollows　of　the　hills。　She　also　noticed　something　else。　Vorkosigan　saw　the　direction　of　her　glance。
　〃Ah；　you　spotted　them；　did　you？〃
　Bothari　smiled　slightly。
　〃The　flyer　that　doesn't　outpace　us？〃　said　Cordelia。　〃Do　you　know　who　it　is？〃
　〃Imperial　Security。〃
　〃Do　they　always　follow　you　to　the　capital？〃
　〃They　always　follow　me　all　the　time。　It　hasn't　been　easy　to　convince　people　I　was　serious　about　retiring。　Before　you　came　I　used　to　amuse　myself　flushing　them　out。　Do　things　like　go　drunk　driving　in　my　flyer　in　those　canyons　to　the　south　on　the　moonlit　nights。　It's　new。　Very　fast。　That　used　to　drive　them　to　distraction。〃
　〃Heavens；　that　sounds　positively　lethal。　Did　you　really　do　that？〃
　He　looked　mildly　ashamed　of　himself。　〃I'm　afraid　so。　I　didn't　think　you'd　be　ing　here；　then。　It　was　a　thrill。　I　hadn't　gone　adrenaline…tripping　on　purpose　since　I　was　a　teenager。　The　Service　rather　supplied　that　need。〃
　〃I'm　surprised　you　didn't　have　a　wreck。〃
　〃I　did；　once；〃　he　admitted。　〃Just　a　minor　crack…up。　That　reminds　me；　I　must　check　on　the　repairs。　They　seem　to　be　taking　forever　at　it。　The　alcohol　made　me　limp　as　a　rag；　I　suppose；　and　I　never　quite　had　the　nerve　to　do　without　the　shoulder　harness。　No　harm　done；　except　to　the　flyer　and　Captain　Negri's　agent's　nerves。〃
　〃Twice；〃　mented　Bothari　unexpectedly。
　〃I　beg　your　pardon；　Sergeant？〃
　〃You　wrecked　it　twice。〃　The　Sergeant's　lips　twitched。　〃You　don't　remember　the　second　time。　Your　father　said　he　wasn't　surprised。　We　helped；　um；　pour　you　out　of　the　safety　cage。　You　were　unconscious　for　a　day。〃
　Vorkosigan　looked　startled。　〃Are　you　pulling　my　leg；　Sergeant？〃
　〃No；　sir。　You　can　go　look　at　the　pieces　of　the　flyer。　They're　scattered　for　a　kilometer　and　a　half　down　Dendarii　Gorge。〃
　Vorkosigan　cleared　his　throat；　and　shrunk　down　in　his　seat。　〃I　see。〃　He　was　quiet；　then　added；　〃How…unpleasant；　to　have　a　blank　like　that　in　one's　memory。〃
　〃Yes；　sir；〃　agreed　Bothari　blandly。
　Cordelia　glanced　up　at　the　following　flyer　through　a　gap　in　the　hills。　〃Have　they　been　watching　us　all　this　time？　Me；　too？〃
　Vorkosigan　smiled　at　the　look　on　her　face。　〃From　the　moment　you　set　foot　in　the　Vorbarr　Sultana　shuttleport；　I　should　imagine。　I　happen　to　be　politically　hot；　after　Escobar。　The　press；　which　is　Ezar　Vorbarra's　third　hand　here；　has　me　set　up　as　a　kind　of　hero…in…retreat；　snatching　victory　spontaneously　from　the　jaws　of　defeat　and　so　on…absolute　tripe。　Makes　my　stomach　hurt；　even　without　the　brandy。　I　should　have　been　able　to　do　a　better　job；　knowing　what　I　knew　in　advance。　Sacrificed　too　many　cruisers；　covering　the　troopships…it　had　to　be　traded　off　that　way；　sheer　arithmetic　demanded　it；　though。。。〃
　She　could　mark　by　his　face　as　his　thoughts　wandered　into　a　well…trodden　labyrinth　of　military　might…have…beens。　Damn　Escobar；　she　thought；　and　damn　your　Emperor；　damn　Serg　Vorbarra　and　Ges　Vorrutyer；　damn　all　the　chances　of　time　and　place　that　bined　to　squeeze　a　boy's　dream　of　heroism　into　a　man's　nightmare　of　murder；　crime；　and　deceit。　Her　presence　was　a　great　palliative　for　him；　but　it　was　not　enough；　still　something　remained　unwell　in　him；　out　of　tune。
　As　they　approached　Vorbarr　Sultana　from　the　south；　the　hill　country　flattened　out　into　a　fertile　plain；　and　the　population　grew　more　concentrated。　The　city　straddled　a　broad　silver　river；　with　the　oldest　government　buildings；　ancient　converted　fortresses　most　of　them；　hugging　the　bluffs　and　high　points　manding　the　river's　edge。　The　modern　city　spilled　back　from　them　to　the　north　and　south。
　The　newer　government　offices；　efficient　blocky　monoliths；　were　concentrated　between。　They　passed　through　this　plex；　making　for　one　of　the　city's　famous　bridges　to　cross　the　river　to　the　north。
　〃My　God；　what　happened　there？〃　asked　Cordelia；　as　they　passed　one　whole　block　of　burnt…out　buildings；　blackened　and　skeletal。
　Vorkosigan　smiled　sourly。　〃That　was　the　Ministry　of　Political　Education；　before　the　riots　two　months　ago。〃
　〃I　heard　a　little　about　those；　at　Escobar；　on　my　way　here。　I　had　no　idea　they　were　so　extensive。〃
　〃They　weren't；　really。　Quite　carefully　orchestrated。　Personally；　I　thought　it　was　a　damn　dangerous　way　to　get　the　job　done。　Although　I　suppose　it　was　a　step　up　in　subtlety　from　Yuri　Vorbarra's　Defenestration　of　the　Privy　Council。　A　generation　of　progress；　of　sorts。。。　I　didn't　think　Ezar　was　going　to　get　that　genie　back　in　the　bottle；　but　he　seems　to　have　managed　it。　As　soon　as　Grishnov　was　killed　all　the　troops　they'd　called　for；　which　for　some　reason　all　seemed　to　have　been　diverted　to　guard　the　Imperial　Residence…〃　he　snorted；　〃turned　up　and　cleared　the　streets；　and　the　riot　just　melted　away；　except　for　a　few　fanatics；　and　some　wounded　spirits　who'd　lost　kin　at　Escobar。　That　got　ugly；　but　it　was　suppressed　in　the　news。〃
　They　crossed　the　river　and　came　at　length　to　the　large　and　famous　hospital；　almost　a　city　within　a　city；　spread　out　in　its　walled　park。　They　found　Ensign　Koudelka　alone　in　his　room；　lying　glumly　on　his　bed　in　the　green　uniform　pajamas。　Cordelia　thought　at　first　that　he　waved　to　them；　but　abandoned　the　idea　as　his　left　arm　continued　to　move　up　and　down　from　the　elbow　in　slow　rhythm。
　He　did　sit　up　and　smile　as　his　ex…mander　entered；　and　exchange　nods　with　Bothari。　The　smile　broadened　to　a　grin　as　he　saw　her　in　Vorkosigan's　wake。　His　face　was　much　older　than　it　used　to　be。
　〃Captain　Naismith；　ma'am！　Lady　Vorkosigan；　I　should　say。　I　never　thought　I'd　see　you　again。〃
　〃I　thought　the　same。　Glad　to　be　mistaken；〃　she　smiled　back。
　〃And　congratulations；　sir。　Thanks　for　sending　the　note。　I　sort　of　missed　you　the　past　few　weeks；　but…I　can　see　you　had　better　things　to　do。〃　His　grin　made　this　ment　stingless。
　〃Thank　you；　Ensign。　Ah…what　happened　to　your　arm？〃
　Koudelka　grimaced。　〃I　had　a　fall　this　morning。　Something's　shorted　out。　Doc　should　be　ing　around　to　fix　it　in　a　few　minutes。　It　could　have　been　worse。〃
　The　skin　on　his　arms；　Cordelia　noted；　was　covered　with　a　network　of　fine　red　scars；　marking　the　lines　of　the　prosthetic　nerve　implants。
　〃You're　walking；　then。　That's　good　to　hear；〃　Vorkosigan　encouraged。
　〃Yeah；　sort　of。〃　He　brightened。　〃And　at　least　they've　got　my　guts　under　control　now。　I　don't　care　that　I　can't　feel　anything　from　that　department；　now　that　I've　finally　got　rid　of　that　damned　colostomy。〃
　〃Are　you　in　very　much　pain？〃　asked　Cordelia　diffidently。
　〃Not　much；〃　Koudelka　tossed　off。　She　felt　he　was　lying。　〃…but　the　worst　part；　besides　being　so　clumsy　and　out…of…balance；　are　the　sensations。　Not　pain；　but　weird　things。　False　intelligence　reports。　Like　tasting　colors　with　your　left　foot；　or　feeling　things　that　aren't　there；　like　bugs　crawling　all　over　you；　or　not　feeling　things　that　are　there；　like　heat。。。〃　His　gaze　fell　on　his　bandaged　right　ankle。
　A　doctor　entered；　and　conversation　stopped　while　Koudelka　removed　his　shirt。　The　doctor　attached　a　'scope　to　his　shoulder；　and　went　fishing　for　the　short　circuit　with　a　delicate　surgical　hand　tractor。　Koudelka　went　pale　and　stared　fixedly　at　his　knees；　but　at　last　the　arm　stopped　its　slow　oscillation　and　lay　limply　at　his　side。
　〃I'm　afraid　I'm　going　to　have　to　leave　it　out　of　mission　for　the　rest　of　the　day；〃　apologized　the　doctor。　〃We'll　get　it　tomorrow　when　you　go　in　for　the　work　on　that　adductor　group　on　your　right　leg。〃
　〃Yeah；　yeah。〃　Koudelka　waved　him　away　with　his　working　right　hand；　and　he　gathered　his　tools　and　moved　on。
　〃I　know　it　must　seem　to　you　to　be　taking　forever；〃　said　Vorkosigan；　looking　at　Koudelka's　frustrated　face；　〃but　it　seems　to　me　every　time　I　e　in　here　you've　made　more　progress。　You　are　going　to　get　out　of　here；〃　he　said　confidently。
　〃Yeah；　the　surgeon　says　they're　going　to　kick　me　out　in　about　two　months。〃　He　smiled。　〃But　they　say　I'll　never　be　fit　for　bat　again。〃　The　smile　slid　away；　and　his　face　crumpled。　〃Oh；　sir！　They're　going　to　discharge　me！　All　this　endless　hacking　around　for　nothing！〃　He　turned　his　face　away　from　them；　rigid　and　embarrassed；　until　his　features　were　under　control　again。
　Vorkosigan　too　looked　away；　not　inflicting　his　sympathy；　until　the　ensign　looked　back　again　with　his　smile　carefully　re…attached。　〃I　can　see　why；〃　Koudelka　said　brightly；　nodding　to　the　silent