cb.coldheart canyon-第17章

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　 Once　he　had　the　number；　Todd　didn't　leave　himself　further　room　for　hesitation。　He　called　Burrows；　booked　the　consultation；　and　tentatively　chatted　over　some　dates　for　the　operation。
　 There　was　one　of　piece　outstanding　business　before　he　could　move　on：　the　disposal　of　Dempsey's　ashes。　Despite　the　reassurances　of　Robert　Louis　Stevenson；　Todd　did　not　have　any　clear　idea　as　to　the　permanence　of　any　soul；　whether　animal　or　human。　He　only　knew　that　he　wanted　Dempsey's　mortal　remains　to　be　placed　where　the　dog　had　been　most　happy。　There　was　no　doubt　about　where　that　was：　the　backyard　of　the　Bel　Air　house；　which　had　been；　since　his　puppyhood；　Dempsey's　unchallenged　territory：　his　stalking　ground；　his　schoolyard　when　it　came　to　learning　new　tricks。　And　it　was　there；　the　evening　before　Todd　put　himself　into　the　hands　of　Bruce　Burrows；　that　he　took　the　bronzed　plastic　urn　provided　by　the　Cremation　pany　out　into　the　yard。　The　urn　contained　a　plastic　bag；　which　in　turn　contained　Dempsey's　ashes。　There　were　a　lot　of　them；　but　then　he'd　been　a　big　dog。
　 Todd　sat　down　in　the　middle　of　the　yard；　where　he　and　Dempsey　had　so　often　sat　and　watched　the　sky　together；　and　poured　some　of　the　ashes　into　the　palm　of　his　hand。　What　part　of　this　grey　sand　was　his　tail；　he　wondered；　and　which　his　snout？　Which　part　the　place　behind　his　ear　he'd　love　you　forever　if　you　rubbed？　Or　didn't　it　matter？　Was　that　the　point　about　scattering　ashes：　that　in　the　end　they　looked　the　same？　Not　just　the　snout　and　the　tail；　but　a　dog's　ashes　and　a　man's　ashes。　All　reducible；　with　the　addition　of　a　little　flame；　to　this　mottled　dust？　He　put　his　lips　to　it；　once；　to　kiss　him　goodbye。　In　his　head　he　could　hear　his　mother　telling　him　that　it　was　a　gross；　unhealthy　thing　to　do；　so　he　kissed　them　again；　just　to　spite　her。　Then　he　stood　up　and　cast　Dempsey's　ashes　around；　like　a　farmer　sewing　seeds。　There　was　no　wind。　The　ash　fell　where　he　threw　it；　evenly　distributed　over　the　mutt's　dominion。
　 〃See　you；　dog；〃　he　said；　and　went　back　into　the　house　to　get　himself　a　large　bourbon。
　
　
　PART　THREE
　A　DARKER　TIME
　
　ONE
　 For　four　months；　in　the　summer　of　his　seventeenth　year；　Todd　had　worked　at　the　Sunset　Home　for　the　Elderly　on　the　outskirts　of　Orlando；　where　he'd　got　a　job　through　his　Uncle　Frank；　who　worked　as　an　accountant　for　Sunset　Homes　Incorporated。　The　place　was　little　more　than　a　repository　for　the　nearly…dead；　working　there　had　been　the　most　depressing　experience　of　his　young　life。　Most　of　his　duties　did　not　involve　the　patients…he　had　no　training　as　a　nurse；　nor　intended　to　get　any。　But　the　care　of　one　of　the　older　occupants；　a　man　by　the　name　of　Duncan　McFarlane；　was　given　over　to　him　because　McFarlane　was　prone　to　unruliness　when　he　was　being　bathed　by　the　female　nurses。　McFarlane　was　no　great　trouble　to　Todd。　He　was　just　a　sour　sonofabitch　who　wasn't　going　to　make　anybody's　life　one　jot　easier　if　he　could　possibly　avoid　it。　The　ritual　of　giving　a　bed…bath　to　his　patient　was　Todd's　particular　horror；　the　sight　of　his　own　body　awoke　a　profound　self…disgust　in　the　old　man。　Asking　around；　Todd　had　discovered　that　McFarlane　had　been　an　athlete　in　his　prime。　But　now…at　the　age　of　eighty…three…there　was　no　trace　of　the　strength　or　the　beauty　his　body　had　once　possessed。　He　was　a　pallid　sack　of　shit　and　resentment；　revolted　by　the　sight　of　himself。
　 Look　at　me；　he　would　say　when　Todd　uncovered　him；　Christ；　look　at　me；　Christ；　look　at　me。　Every　time　it　was　the　same　murmured　horror。　Look　at　me；　Christ；　look　at　me。
　 To　this　day；　the　image　of　McFarlane's　nakedness　remained　with　Todd　in　all　its　grotesque　particulars。　The　little　beard　of　dirty　white　hair　that　hung　from　the　old　man's　scrotum；　the　constellation　of　heavy；　dark　warts　above　his　left　nipple；　the　wrinkled　folds　of　pale；　spotted　flesh　that　hung　under　his　arms。　Todd　felt　guilty　about　his　disgust；　and　kept　it　to　himself；　until　one　day　it　had　been　the　subject　of　discussion　in　the　day…room；　and　he'd　discovered　that　his　feelings　were　shared；　especially　by　the　male　members　of　the　nursing　staff。　The　female　nurses　seemed　to　have　more　passion；　perhaps；　or　were　simply　indifferent　to　the　facts　of　creeping　senility。　But　the　other　men　on　the　staff…there　were　four　of　them　besides　Todd…were　afterwards　constantly　remarking　on　the　foulness　of　their　charges。　One　of　the　quartet…a　black　guy　from　New　Orleans　called　Austin　Harper…was　particularly　eloquent　on　the　subject。
　 〃I　ain't　endin'　up　like　any　o'　these　ol'　fucks；〃　he　remarked　on　more　than　one　occasion；　〃I'd　blow　my　fuckin'　brains　out　'fore　I'd　sink　that　fuckin'　low。〃
　 〃It　won't　happen；〃　Todd　had　said。
　 〃How'd　you　reckon　that；　white　boy？〃　Austin　had　said。　He'd　patted　Todd　on　his　backside；　which　he　took　every　possible　opportunity　to　do。
　 〃When　we're　as　old　as　these　folks　there'll　be　ways　to　fix　it；〃　Todd　replied。
　 〃You　mean　we'll　live　forever？　Bullshit。　I　don't　buy　any　of　that　science…fiction　crap；　boy。〃
　 〃I'm　not　saying　we'll　live　forever。　But　they'll　have　figured　out　what　gives　us　wrinkles；　and　they'll　have　a　way　to　smooth　them　out。〃
　 〃Will　they　now？　So　you's　goin'　to　be　all　smoothed　out；　is　you？〃
　 〃I　sure　as　hell　am。〃
　 〃You'll　still　die；　but　you'll　die　all　smoothed　out　an'　pretty？〃　He　tapped　Todd's　ass　appreciatively　again。
　 〃Will　you　quit　doin〃　that？〃　Todd　said。
　 〃I'll　quit　when　you　quit　wavin'　it　in　my　nose。〃　Austin　laughed；　and　slapped　Todd's　ass　a　third　time；　a　stinging　swat。
　 〃Anyways；〃　Todd　said；　〃I　don't　give　a　shit　what　you　think。　I'm　going　to　die　pretty。〃
　 The　phrase　had　lingered。　To　die　pretty；　that　was　the　grand　ambition。　To　die　pretty；　and　not　find　yourself　like　poor　old　Duncan　McFarlane；　looking　down　at　his　own　nakedness　and　saying；　over　and　over：　Oh　Christ；　look　at　me。　Oh　Christ；　look　at　me。　Oh　Christ。。。
　
　 Two　months　after　Todd　had　left　Florida　to　go　to　Los　Angeles　for　a　screen…test；　he'd　got　a　scrawled　note　from　Austin　Harper；　who…given　that　it　was　more　or　less　certain　that　they'd　never　see　one　another　again；　figured　it　was　okay　for　Todd　to　know　that　if　Austin　had　had　a　chance　he　would　have　plowed　Todd's　ass　'all　the　way　to　Key　West　and　back'。　'And　then　you'd　be　all　smoothed　out；　baby；〃　Harper　had　written。
　 〃Oh；　and　by　the　way；〃　he'd　added；　〃That　old　fuck　McFarlane　died　a　week　ago。　Tried　to　give　himself　a　bath　in　the　middle　of　the　night。　Drowned　himself　in　three　inches　of　water。　That's　what　I　call　a　damn　fool　thing　to　do。〃
　 〃Stay　smooth；　m'man。　You're　going　to　do　great。　I　know　it。　Just　remember　to　thank　me　when　they　gives　you　an　Oscar。〃
　
　
　TWO
　 〃Kiddo？〃
　 Todd　was　floating　in　a　blind　black　place；　his　body　untethered。　He　couldn't　even　feel　it。
　 〃Kiddo？　Can　you　hear　me？〃
　 Despite　the　darkness　all　around；　it　was　a　fortable　place　to　be　in。　There　were　no　predators　here　in　this　no…man's…land。　There　were　no　sharks　circling；　wanting　ten…percent　of　his　flesh。　Todd　felt　pleasantly　removed　from　everything。　Except　for　that　voice　calling　him。
　 〃Kiddo？　If　you　can　hear　me；　move　your　finger。〃
　 It　was　a　trick；　he　knew。　It　was　a　way　to　get　him　to　go　back　to　the　world　where　once　he'd　lived　and　breathed　and　been　unhappy。　But　he　didn't　want　to　go。　It　was　too　brittle　that　place；　brittle　and　bright。　He　wanted　to　stay　where　he　was；　here　in　the　darkness；　floating　and　floating。
　 〃Kiddo。。。it's　Donnie。〃
　 Donnie？
　 Wait；　that　couldn't　be　right。　His　older　brother；　Donnie？　They　hadn't　talked　in　months。　Why　would　he　be　here；　trying　to　seduce　him　out　of　his　fortable　hideaway？　But　then；　if　not　Donnie；　then　who？　Nobody　else　ever　called　him　Kiddo。
　 Todd　felt　a　dim　murmur　of　anxiety。　Donnie　lived　in　Texas；　for　God's　sake。　What　was　he　doing　here？
　 〃Talk　to　me；　Kiddo。〃
　 Very　reluctantly；　Todd　forced　himself　to　reply　to　the　summons；　though　when　he　finally　coaxed　his　lips　to　shape　it　the　sound　he　made　was　as　remote　as　the　moon。
　 〃Donnie？〃
　 〃Well；　howdy。　I　must　say　it's　good　to　have　you　back　in　the　land　of　the　livin'。〃　He　felt　a　hand　laid　on　his　arm。　The　sensation；　like　Donnie's　voice；　and　his　own；　felt　distant　and　dulled。
　
　 〃You　had　us　a　bit　stirred　up　for　a　while　there。〃
　 〃Why's。。。it。。。so　dark　in　here？〃　Todd　said。　〃Will　you　have　someone　turn　on　the　lights？〃
　 〃Everything's　going　to　be　okay；　buddy。〃
　 〃Donnie。　Please。　Turn　on　the　lights。〃
　 〃They　are　on；　Kiddo。　It's　just　you've　got　some　bandages　over　your　face。　That's　all　it　is。　You're　going　to　be　just　fine。〃
　 Bandages　on　his　face。
　 Now　it　all　started　to　e　back　to　him。　His　last　memories。　He'd　been　going　under　Burrows's　knife　for　the　big　operation。
　 The　last　thing　he　remembered　was　Burrows　telling　him　to　count　backwards　from　ten。　Burrows　had　been　smiling　reassuringly　at　him；　and　as　Todd　counted…had　thought：　I　wonder　how　much　work　he's　had　done　on　that　face　of　his？　The　nose　for　sure。　And　all　the　lines　gone　from　around　his　eyes…
　 〃Are　you　counting；　Todd？〃　Burrows　had　said。
　 〃Ten。　Nine。　Eight…〃
　 There　hadn't　been　a　seven。　Not　that　Todd　could　remember。　The　drugs　had　swept　him　off　to　their　own　empty　version　of　La…La　land。
　 But　now　he　was　back　from　that　dreamless　place；　and　Donnie　was　here　at　his　bedside；　all　the　way　from　Texas。　Why？　And　why　the　bandages　over　his　eyes？　Burrows　hadn't　said　anything　about　bandages。
　 〃My　mouth's　so　dry；〃　Todd　whispered。
　 〃No　problemo；　buddy；〃　Donnie　replied　gently。　〃I'll　get　the　nurse　in　here。〃
　 〃I'll　have　a　vodka。。。straight　up。〃
　 Donnie　chuckled。　〃I'll　see　what　I　can　do。〃
　 Todd　heard　him　get　up　and　go　to　the　door；　and　call　for　a　nurse。　His　consciousness　wavered；　and　he　felt　himself　slipping　back　into　the　void　from　which　he'd　just　been　brought　by　Donnie's　voice。　The　prospect　of　that　lush　darkness　didn't　seem　quite　as　forting　as　it　had　a　few　moments　before。　He　started　to　panic；　scrambling　to　keep　hold　of　the　world；　at　least　until　he　knew　what　had　happened　to　him。
　 He　called　out　to　Donnie：　〃Where　are　you？　Donnie？　Are　you　there？〃
　 Footsteps　came　hurriedly　back　in　his　direction。
　 〃I'm　still　here；　Kiddo。〃　Donnie's　voice　was　tender。　Todd　couldn't　remember　ever　hearing　such　tenderness　in　it　before　now。
　 〃Burrows　didn't　tell　me　it'd　be　like　this；〃　Todd　said。
　 〃There's　nothing　to　get　worked　up　about；〃　Donnie　replied。
　 Even　in　his　semi…drugged　state；　Todd　knew　a　lie　when　he　heard　one。
　 〃You're　not　a　very　good　actor；〃　he　said。
　 〃Runs　in　the　family；〃　Donnie　quipped；　and　squeezed　Todd's　arm　again。　〃Just　kidding。〃
　 〃Yeah。。。yeah。。。〃　Todd　said。　As　he　spoke　a　spasm　of　pain　ran　from　the　bridge　of　his　nose　and　spread　across　his　face　in　both　directions。　He　was　suddenly　in　excruciating　agony。　〃Jesus；〃　he　gasped。　〃Jesus。　Make　it　stop！〃
　 He　felt　Donnie's　reassuring　hand　go　from　his　arm；　heard　his　brother　crossing　to　the　door　again；　yelling　as　he　went；　his　voice　suddenly　shrill　with　fear：　〃Will　somebody　get　in　here。　Right　now！　Christ！〃
　 Todd's　panic；　momentarily　soothed　by　his　brother's　voice；　started　to　rise　up　in　him　again。　He　raised　his　hand　to　his　face。　The　bandages　were　tight　and　smooth；　like　a　visor　over　his　head；　searing　him　in。　He　started　to　hyperventilate。　He　was　going　to　die　in　here；　if　he　didn't　get　this　smothering　stuff　off　his　face。　He　began　to　claw　at　the　bandages。　He　needed　air。　Right　now！
　 Air；　for　Christ's　sake；　air…
　 〃Mr。　Pickett；　don't　do　tha