bill_the_galactic_hero_v1.1-第1章

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I

Bill　never　realized　that　sex　was　the　cause　of　it　all。　If　the　sun　that　morning　had　not　been　burning　so　warmly　in　the　brassy　sky　of　Phigerinadon　II；　and　if　he　had　not　glimpsed　the　sugar…white　and　wine…barrel…wide　backside　of　Inga…Maria　Calyphigia；　while　she　bathed　in　the　stream；　he　might　have　paid　more　attention　to　his　plowing　than　to　the　burning　pressures　of　heterosexuality　and　would　have　driven　his　furrow　to　the　far　side　of　the　hill　before　the　seductive　music　sounded　along　the　road。　He　might　never　have　heard　it；　and　his　life　would　have　been　very；　very　different。　But　he　did　hear　it　and　dropped　the　handles　of　the　plow　that　was　plugged　into　the　robomule；　turned；　and　gaped。
　　It　was　indeed　a　fabulous　sight。　Leading　the　parade　was　a　one…robot　band；　twelve　feet　high　and　splendid　in　its　great　black　busby　that　concealed　the　hi…fi　speakers。　The　golden　pillars　of　its　legs　stamped　forward　as　its　thirty　articulated　arms　sawed；　plucked；　and　fingered　at　a　dazzling　variety　of　instruments。　Martial　music　poured　out　in　wave　after　inspiring　wave；　and　even　Bill's　thick　peasant　feet　stirred　in　their　clodhoppers　as　the　shining　boots　of　the　squad　of　soldiers　crashed　along　the　road　in　perfect　unison。　Medals　jingled　on　the　manly　swell　of　their　scarlet…clad　chests；　and　there　could　certainly　be　no　nobler　sight　in　all　the　world。　To　their　rear　marched　the　sergeant；　gorgeous　in　his　braid　and　brass；　thickly　clustered　medals　and　ribbons；　sword　and　gun；　girdled　gut　and　steely　eye　'which　sought　out　Bill　where　he　stood　gawking　over　the　fence。　The　grizzled　head　nodded　in　his　direction；　the　steel…trap　mouth　bent　into　a　friendly　smile　and　there'　was　a　conspiratorial　wink。　Then　the　little　legion　was　past；　and　hurrying　behind　in　their　wake　came　a　huddle　of　dust…covered　ancillary　robots；　hopping　and　crawling　or　rippling　along　on　treads。　As　soon　as　these　had　gone　by　Bill　climbed　clumsily　over　the　split…rail　fence　and　ran　after　them。　There　were　no　more　than　two　interesting　events　every　four　years　here；　and　he　was　not　going　to　miss　what　promised　to　be　a　third。
　　A　crowd　had　already　gathered　in　the　market　square　when　Bill　hurried　up；　and　they　were　listening　to　an　enthusiastic　band　concert。　The　robot　hurled　itself　into　the　glorious　measures　of　〃Star　Troopers　to　the　Skies　Avaunt；〃　thrashed　its　way　through　〃Rockets　Rumble；〃　and　almost　demolished　itself　in　the　tumultuous　rhythm　of　〃Sappers　at　the　Tithead　Digging。〃　It　pursued　this　last　tune　so　strenuously　that　one　of　its　legs　flew　off；　rising　high　into　the　air；　but　was　caught　dexterously　before　it　could　hit　the　ground；　and　the　music　ended　with　the　robot　balancing　on　its　remaining　leg；　beating　time　with　the　detached　limb。　It　also；　after　an　ear…fracturing　peal　on　the　basses；　used　the　leg　to　point　across　the　square　to　where　a　tri…di　screen　and　refreshment　booth　had　been　set　up。　The　troopers　had　vanished　into　the　tavern；　and　the　recruiting　sergeant　stood　alone　among　his　robots；　beaming　a　weling　smile。
　　〃Now　hear　this！　Free　drinks　for　all；　courtesy　of　the　Emperor；　and　some　lively　scenes　of　jolly　adventure　in　distant　climes　to　amuse　you　while　you　sip；〃　he　called　in　an　immense　and　leathery　voice。
　　Most　of　the　people　drifted　over；　Bill　in　their　midst；　though　a　few　embittered　and　elderly　draft…dodgers　slunk　away　between　the　houses。　Cooling　drinks　were　shared　out　by　a　robot　with　a　spigot　for　a　navel　and　an　inexhaustible　supply　of　plastic　glasses　in　one　hip。　Bill　sipped　his　happily　while　he　followed　the　enthralling　adventures　of　the　space　troopers　in　full　color；　with　sound　effects　and　stimulating　subsonics。　There　was　battle　and　death　and　glory；　though　it　was　only　the　Chingers　who　died：　troopers　only　suffered　neat　little　wounds　in　their　extremities　that　could　be　covered　easily　by　small
bandages。　And　while　Bill　was　enjoying　this；　Recruiting　Sergeant　Grue　was　enjoying　him；　his　little　piggy　eyes　ruddy　with　greed　as　they　fastened　onto　the　back　of　Bill's　neck。
　　This　is　the　one！　he　chortled　to　himself　while；　unknowingly；　his　yellowed　tongue　licked　at　his　lips。　He　could　already　feel　the　weight　of　the　bonus　money　in　his　pocket。　The　rest　of　the　audience。　were　the　usual　mixed　bag　of　overage　men；　fat　women；　beardless　youths；　and　other　unenlistables。　All　except　this　broad…shouldered；　square…chinned；　curly…haired　chunk　of　electronic…cannon　fodder。　With　a　precise　hand　on　the　controls　the　sergeant　lowered　the　background　subsonics　and　aimed　a　tight…beam　stimulator　at　the　back　of　his　victim's　head。　Bill　writhed　in　his　seat；　almost　taking　part　in　the　glorious　battles　unfolding　before　him。
　　As　the　last　chord　died　and　the　screen　went　blank；　the　refreshment　robot　pounded　hollowly　on　its　metallic　chest　and　bellowed；　〃DRINK！　DRINK！　DRINK！〃　The　sheeplike　audience　swept　that　way；　all　except　Bill；　who　was　plucked　from
their　midst　by　a　powerful　arm。
　　〃Here；　I　saved　some　for　you；〃　the　sergeant　said；　passing　over　a　prepared　cup　so　loaded　with　dissolved　ego…reducing　drugs　that　they　were　crystallizing　out　at　the　bottom。　〃You're　a　fine　figure　of　a　lad　and　to　my　eye　seem　a　cut　above　the　yokels　here。　Did　you　ever　think　of　making　your　career　in　the　forces？〃
　　〃I'm　not　the　military　type；　Shargeant　。　。　。〃　Bill　chomped　his　jaws　and　spat　to　remove　the　impediment　to　his　speech　and　puzzled　at　the　sudden…fogginess　in　his　thoughts。　Though　it　was　a　tribute　to　his　physique　that　he　was　even　conscious　after　the　volume　of　drugs　and　sonics　that　he　had　been　plied　with。〃Not　the　military　type。　My　fondest　ambition　is　to　be　of　help　in　the　best　way　I　can；　in　my　chosen　career　as　a　Technical　Fertilizer　Operator；　and　I'm　almost　finished　with　my　correspondence　course　。　。　。　〃
　　〃That's　a　crappy　job　for　a　bright　lad　like　you；〃　the　sergeant　said；　while　clapping　him　on　the　arm　to　get　a　good　feel　of　his　biceps。　Rock：　He　resisted　the　impulse　to　pull　Bill's　lip　down　and　take　a　quick　peek　at　the　condition　of　his　back　teeth。　Later。　〃Leave　that　kind　of　job　to　those　that　like　it。　No　chance　of　promotion。　While　a　career　in　the　troopers　has　no　top。　Why；　Grand…Admiral　Pflunger　came　up　through　the　rocket　tubes；　as　they　say；　from；　recruit　trooper　to　grandadmiral。　How　does　that　sound？〃
　　〃It　sounds　very　nice　for　Mr。　Pflunger；　but　I　think　fertilizer　operating　is　more　fun。　Gee…I'm　feeling　sleepy。　I　think　I'll　go　lie　down。〃
　　〃Not　before　you've　seen　this；　just　as　a　favor　to　me　of　course；〃　the　sergeant　said；　cutting　in　front　of　him　and　pointing　to　a　large　book　held　open　by　a　tiny　robot。　〃Clothes　make　the　man；　and　most　men　would　be　ashamed　to　be　seen　in　a　crummy…looking　smock　like　that　thing　draped　around　you　or　wearing　those　broken　canal　boats　on　their　feet。　Why　look　like　that　when　you　can　look　like　this？〃
　　Bill's　eyes　followed　the　thick　finger　to　the　color　plate　in　the　book　where　a　miracle　of　misapplied　engineering　caused　his　own　face　to　appear　on　the　illustrated　figure　dressed　in　trooper　red。　The　sergeant　flipped　the　pages；　and　on　each　plate　the　uniform　was　a　little　more　gaudy；　the　rank　higher。　The　last　one　was　that　of　a　grand…admiral；　and　Bill　blinked　at　his　own　face　under　the　plumed　helmet；　now　with　a　touch　of　crow's…feet　about　the　eyes　and　sporting　a　handsome　and　grayshot　mustache；　but　still　undeniably　his　own。　　　〃That's　the　way　you　will　look；〃　the　sergeant　murmured　into　his　ear；　〃once　you　have　climbed　the　ladder　of　success。　Would　you　like　to　try　a　uniform　on？　Of　course　you　would　like　to　try　a　uniform　on。　Tailorl〃
　　When　Bill　opened　his　mouth　to　protest　the　sergeant　put　a　large　cigar　into　it；　and　before　he　could　get　it　out　the　robot　tailor　had　rolled　up；　swept　a　curtain…bearing　arm　about　him　and　stripped　him　naked。　〃Hey！　Hey！〃　he　said。
　　〃It　won't　hurt；〃　the　sergeant　said；　poking　his　great　head　through　the　curtain　and　beaming　at　Bill's　muscled　form。。　He　poked　a　finger　into　a　pectoral　（rock）；　then　withdrew。
　　〃Ouch！〃　Bill　said；　as　the　tailor　extruded　a　cold　pointer　and　jabbed　him　with　it；　measuring　his　size。　Something　went　chunk　deep　inside　its　tubular　torso；　and　a　brilliant　red　jacket　began　to　emerge　from　a　slot　in　the　front。　In　an　instant　this　was　slipped　onto　Bill　and　the　shining　golden　buttons　buttoned。　Luxurious　gray　moleskin　trousers　were　pulled　on　next；　then　gleaming　black　knee…length　boots。　Bill　staggered　a　bit　as　the　curtain　was　whipped　away　and　a　powered　full…length　mirror　rolled　up。
　　〃Oh；　how　the　girls　love　a　uniform；〃　the　sergeant　said；　〃and　I　can't　blame　them。〃
　　A　memory　of　the　vision　of　Inga…Maria　Calyphigia's　matched　white　moons　obscured　Bill's　sight　for　a　moment；　and　when　it　had　cleared　he　found　he　was　grasping　a　stylo　and　was　about　to　sign　the　form　that　the　recruiting　sergeant　held　before　him。
　　〃No；〃　Bill　said；　a　little　amazed　at　his　own　firmness　of　mind。　〃I　don't　really　want　to。　Technical　Fertilizer　Operator　。　。　。〃
　　〃And　not　only　will　you　receive　this　lovely　uniform；　an　enlistment　bonus；　and　a　free　medical　examination；　but　you　will　be　awarded　these　handsome　medals。〃　The　sergeant　took　a　flat　box；　offered　to　him　on　cue　by　a　robot；　and　opened　it　to　display　a　glittering　array　of　ribbons　and　bangles。　〃This　is　the　Honorable　Enlistment　Award；〃　he　intoned　gravely；　pinning　a　jewel…encrusted　nebula；　pendant　on　chartreuse；　to　Bill's　wide　chest。　〃And　the　Emperor's　Congratulatory　Gilded　Horn；　the　Forward　to　Victory　Starburst；　the　Praise　Be　Given　Salutation　of　the　Mothers　of　the　Victorious　Fallen；　and　the　Everflowing　Cornucopia　which　does　not　mean　anything　but　looks　nice　and　can　be　used　to　carry　contraceptives。〃He　stepped　back　and　admired　Bill's　chest；　which　was　now　adangle　with　ribbons；　shining　metal；　and　gleaming　paste　gems。
　　〃I　just　couldn't；〃　Bill　said。　〃Thank　you　anyway　for　the　offer；　but　。　。　。　〃
　　The　sergeant　smiled；　prepared　even　for　this　eleventh…hour　resistance；　and　pressed　the　button　on　his　belt　that　actuated　the　programed　hypno…coil　in　the　heel　of　Bill's　new　boot。　The　powerful　neural　current　surged　through　the　contacts　and　Bill's　hand　twitched　and　jumped；　and　when　the　momentary　fog　had　lifted　from　his　eyes　he　saw　that　he　had　signed　his　name。
　　〃But。。。'
　　〃Wele　to　the　Space　Troopers；〃　the　sergeant　boomed；　smacking　him　on　the　back　（trapezius　like　rock）　and　relieving　him　of　the　stylo。　〃FALL　IN！〃　he　called　in　a　larger　voice；　and　the　recruits　stumbled　from　the　tavern。
　　〃What　have　they　done　to　my　sonl〃　Bill's　mother　screeched；　ing　into　the　market　square；　clutching　at　her　bosom　with　one　hand　and　towing　his　baby　brother　Charlie　with　the　other。　Charlie　began　to　cry　and　wet　his　pants。
　　〃Your　son　is　now　a　trooper　for　the　greater　glory　of　the　Emperor；〃　the　sergeant　said；　pushing　his　slack…jawed　and　round…shouldered　recruit　squad　into　line。
　　〃No！　it　can't　be　。　。　。〃　Bill's　mother　sobbed；　tearing　at　her　graying　hair。　〃I'm　a　poor　widow；　he's　my　sole　support　。　。　。　you　cannot　。　。　。　I〃
　　〃Mother。　。　。〃　Bill　said；　but　the　sergeant　shoved　him　back　into　the　ranks。'
　　〃Be　brave；　madam；〃　he　said。　〃There　can　be　no　greater　glory　for　a　mother。〃He　dropped　a　large　and　newly　minted　coin　into　her　hand。　〃Here　is　the　enlistment　bonus；　the　Emperor's　shilling。　I　know　he　wants　you　to　have　it。　ATTENTION！〃　　　With　a　clash　of　heels　the　graceless　recruits　braced　their　shoulders　and　lifted　their　chins。　Much　to　his　surprise；　so　did　Bill。
　　〃RIGHT　TURN！〃
　　In　a　single；　graceful　motion　they　turned；　as　the　mand　robot　relayed　the　order　to　the　hypno…coil　in　every　boot。　〃FORWARD　MARCH！〃　And　they　did；　in　perfect　rh