if.thespywholovedme-第4章

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d　tonics　and　they　put　a　half…bottle　of　gin　on　the　table　that　was　apparently　his　from　the　last　time　he　had　been　there。　Maurice　Smart's　band　was　as　smooth　as　cream　and　when　we　danced　we　fitted　at　once　and　his　jive　was　just　about　the　same　as　mine　and　I　was　really　having　fun。　I　began　to　notice　the　way　his　dark　hair　grew　at　the　temples　and　that　he　had　good　hands　and　that　he　smiled　not　just　at　one's　face　but　into　one's　eyes。　We　stayed　there　until　four　in　the　morning　and　the　gin　was　finished　and　when　we　went　out　on　to　the　pavement　I　had　to　hold　on　to　him。　He　got　a　taxi；　and　it　seemed　natural　when　he　took　me　in　his　arms；　and　when　he　kissed　me　I　kissed　back。　After　I　had　twice　taken　his　hand　off　my　breast；　the　third　time　it　seemed　prissy　not　to　leave　it　there；　but　when　he　moved　it　down　and　tried　to　put　it　up　my　skirt；　I　wouldn't　let　him；　and　when　he　took　my　hand　and　tried　to　put　it　on　him；　I　wouldn't　do　that　either；　although　my　whole　body　was　hot　with　wanting　these　things。　But　then；　thank　heavens；　we　were　outside　the　flat　and　he　got　out　and　took　me　to　the　door　and　we　said　we　would　see　each　other　again　and　he　would　write。　When　we　kissed　good…by；　he　put　his　hand　down　behind　my　back　and　squeezed　my　behind　hard；　and　when　his　taxi　disappeared　round　the　corner　I　could　still　feel　his　hand　there　and　I　crept　up　to　bed　and　looked　into　the　mirror　over　the　washbasin　and　my　eyes　and　face　were　radiant　as　if　they　were　lit　up　from　inside　and；　although　probably　most　of　the　lighting…up　came　from　the　gin；　I　thought；　Oh；　my　heavens！　I'm　in　love！
　　
　Three：　Spring's　Awakening
　
　IT　takes　a　long　time　to　write　these　things；　but　only　minutes　to　remember　them；　and　when　I　came　out　of　my　daydream　in　the　motel　armchair；　WOKO　was　still　playing　〃Music　to　Kiss　By；〃　and　it　was　someone　who　may　have　been　Don　Shirley　improvising　through　〃Ain't　She　Sweet。〃　The　ice　in　my　drink　had　dissolved。　I　got　up　and　put　in　some　more　from　the　icebox　and　I　went　back　and　curled　up　in　my　chair　and　drank　a　careful　mouthful　of　the　bourbon　to　make　it　last；　and　lit　another　cigarette；　and　at　once　I　was　back　again　in　that　endless　summer。
　Derek's　last　term　came　to　an　end；　and　we　had　exchanged　four　letters　each。　His　first　one　had　begun　〃Dearest〃　and　ended　with　〃love　and　kisses；〃　and　I　had　promised　with　〃Dear〃　and　〃love。〃　His　were　mostly　about　how　many　runs　he　had　made；　and　mine　were　about　the　dances　I　had　been　to　and　the　cinemas　and　plays　I　had　seen。　He　was　going　to　spend　the　summer　at　his　home；　and　he　was　very　excited　about　a　second…hand　MG　his　parents　were　going　to　give　him；　and　would　I　e　out　with　him　in　it？　Susan　was　surprised　when　I　said　that　I　wouldn't　be　ing　up　to　Scotland　and　that　I　wanted　to　stay　on　in　the　flat；　at　any　rate　for　the　time　being。　I　hadn't　told　her　the　truth　about　Derek；　and　because　I　always　got　up　earlier　than　she；　she　didn't　know　about　his　letters。　It　wasn't　like　me　to　be　secretive；　but　I　treasured　my　〃love…affair；〃　as　I　described　it　to　myself；　and　it　seemed　to　be　so　fragile　and　probably　full　of　disappointments　that　I　thought　even　to　talk　about　it　might　bring　it　bad　luck。　For　all　I　knew；　I　might　be　just　one　in　a　whole　row　of　Derek's　girls。　He　was　so　attractive　and　grand；　at　any　rate　at　school；　that　I　imagined　a　long　queue　of　〃Mayfair〃　sisters；　all　in　organdy　and　all　with　titles；　at　his　beck　and　call。　So　I　simply　said　that　I　wanted　to　look　around　for　a　job　and　perhaps　I　would　e　up　later；　and　in　due　course　Susan　went　north　and　a　fifth　letter　came　from　Derek　saying　would　I　e　down　next　Saturday　on　the　twelve…o'clock　from　Paddington；　and　he　would　meet　me　with　the　car　at　Windsor　station？
　And　so　began　our　regular　and　delicious　routine。　The　first　day　he　met　me　on　the　platform。　We　were　rather　shy；　but　he　was　so　excited　about　his　car　that　he　quickly　hurried　me　out　to　see　it。　It　was　wonderful…black　with　red　leather　upholstery　and　red　wire　wheels　and　all　sorts　of　racing　gimmicks　like　a　strap　round　the　hood　and　an　out…size　filler　cap　on　the　gas　tank；　and　the　badge　of　the　B。R。D。C。　We　climbed　in；　and　I　tied　Derek's　colored　silk　handkerchief　round　my　hair；　and　the　exhaust　made　a　wonderful　sexy　noise　as　we　accelerated　across　the　High　Street　lights　and　turned　up　along　the　river。　That　day　he　took　me　as　far　as　Bray；　to　show　off　the　car；　and　we　tore　through　the　lanes；　with　Derek　doing　quite　unnecessary　racing　changes　on　the　flattest　curves。　Sitting　so　near　the　ground；　even　at　fifty；　one　felt　as　if　one　was　doing　at　least　a　hundred；　and　to　begin　with　I　clutched　onto　the　safety　grip　on　the　dashboard　and　hoped　for　the　best。　But　Derek　was　a　good　driver；　and　I　soon　got　confidence　in　him　and　controlled　my　trembles。　He　took　me　to　a　fearfully　smart　place；　the　Hotel　de　Paris；　and　we　had　smoked　salmon；　which　cost　extra；　and　roast　chicken　and　ice　cream；　and　then　he　hired　an　electric　canoe　from　the　boathouse　next　door；　and　we　chugged　sedately　upriver　and　under　Maidenhead　Bridge　and　found　a　little　backwater；　just　this　side　of　Cookham　Lock；　where　Derek　rammed　the　canoe　far　in　under　the　branches。　He　had　brought　a　portable　gramophone　with　him；　and　I　scrambled　down　to　his　end　of　the　canoe　and　we　sat　and　later　lay　side　by　side　and　listened　to　the　records　and　watched　a　small　bird　hopping　about　in　the　network　of　branches　over　our　heads。　It　was　a　beautiful　drowsy　afternoon；　and　we　kissed　but　didn't　go　any　further；　and　I　felt　reassured　that　Derek　didn't　after　all　think　I　was　〃easy。〃　Later　the　midges　came　and　we　nearly　upset　the　canoe　trying　to　get　it　out　of　the　creek　backward；　but　then　we　were　going　fast　downriver　with　the　current　and　there　were　a　lot　of　other　boats　with　couples　and　families　in　them；　but　I　was　quite　certain　we　looked　the　gayest　and　handsomest　of　everyone。　We　drove　back　and　went　down　to　Eton　and　had　scrambled　eggs　and　coffee　in　a　place　called　The　Thatched　House　that　Derek　knew　about；　and　then　he　suggested　we　should　go　to　the　cinema。
　The　Royalty　Kinema　was　on　Farquhar　Street；　one　of　the　small　streets　leading　down　from　the　Castle　toward　the　Ascot　road。　It　was　a　meager…looking　place；　showing　two　Westerns；　a　cartoon；　and　so…called　〃News〃　that　consisted　of　what　the　Queen　had　been　doing　a　month　ago。　I　realized　why　Derek　had　chosen　it　when　he　paid　twelve　shillings　for　a　box。　There　was　one　on　each　side　of　the　projection　room；　about　six　feet　square；　dark　and　with　two　chairs；　and　as　soon　as　we　went　in　Derek　pulled　his　chair　close　to　me　and　began　kissing　and　feeling　me。　At　first　I　thought；　Oh；　God　is　this　where　he　brings　them？　But　after　a　bit　I　sort　of　melted；　and　then　his　hands　were　slowly　exploring　me　and　they　were　gentle　and　seemed　to　know；　and　then　they　were　there　and　I　hid　my　face　against　his　shoulder　and　bit　my　lip　with　the　exquisite　tingle；　and　then　it　was　all　over　and　I　was　flooded　with　warmth　and　tears　came　by　themselves　out　of　my　eyes　and　wet　the　collar　of　his　shirt。
　He　kissed　me　gently　and　whispered　that　he　loved　me　and　that　I　was　the　most　wonderful　girl　in　the　world。　But　I　sat　up　and　away　from　him　and　dabbed　at　my　eyes　and　tried　to　watch　the　film　and　reflected　that　I　had　lost　my　virginity；　or　some　kind　of　virginity；　and　that　now　he　would　never　respect　me　again。　But　then　the　interval　came　and　he　bought　me　ice　cream　and　put　his　arm　round　the　back　of　my　chair　and　whispered　that　it　was　being　the　most　wonderful　day　of　his　life　and　that　we　must　have　the　same　day　over　and　over　again。　And　I　told　myself　not　to　be　silly。　That　this　was　just　petting。　Everybody　did　it；　and　anyway　it　had　been　rather　marvelous　and　it　wasn't　as　if　I　would　get　a　baby　or　anything。　Besides；　boys　wanted　to　pet　and　if　I　didn't　do　it　with　him　he　would　find　some　other　girl　who　would。　So　when　the　lights　went　out　again　and　his　hands　came　back　it　seemed　natural　that　they　should　go　to　my　breasts　and　that　excited　me；　and　when　he　whispered　that　now　I　must　do　it　to　him　I　let　him　take　my　hand　and　put　it　on　him。　But　I　didn't　know　how；　and　I　was　clumsy　and　ashamed；　and　he　had　to　help。　But　then　his　breath　came　panting　against　my　neck　and　he　said；　〃Oh；　Baby！〃　in　a　long…drawn…out　kind　of　sigh；　and　I　felt　a　sort　of　pang　of　excitement　at　having　given　him　the　same　pleasure　as　he　had　given　me　and；　now　that　we　had　both　done　it；　it　was　as　if　some　kind　of　barrier　had　disappeared　from　between　us；　and　I　felt　motherly　toward　him　and　kissed　him　and　from　that　moment　on　we　were　somehow　different　kinds　of　friends。
　He　drove　me　back　to　catch　the　last　train　for　London；　and　we　arranged　to　meet　at　the　same　time　on　the　next　Saturday；　and　he　stood　and　waved　for　as　long　as　I　could　see　him　under　the　yellow　lights　of　that　darling　little　station；　and　so　our　real　love…affair　began。　It　was　always　the　same；　with　perhaps　different　places　for　luncheon　and　high　tea；　the　river；　the　gramophone；　the　little　box　in　the　cinema；　but　now　there　was　added　the　extra　thrill　of　the　physical　side　and　always；　in　the　boat；　the　car；　the　cinema；　our　hands　were　on　each　other's　bodies；　more　lingering；　more　expert　as　the　endless　summer　drew　on　into　September。
　In　my　memory　of　those　days　the　sun　is　always　shining　and　the　willows　dip　into　water　as　limpid　clear　as　the　sky。　Swans　ride　in　the　shadows　of　the　poplars；　and　swallows　dip　and　skim　as　the　Thames　slips　down　from　Queens　Eyot；　past　Boveney　Lock　and　Coocoo　Weir；　where　we　used　to　bathe；　and　on　down　the　long　stretch　through　Brocas　meadows　toward　Windsor　Bridge。　It　surely　must　have　rained；　there　must　have　been　noisy　holiday…makers　crowding　our　river；　there　must　have　been　clouds　in　our　private　skies；　but　if　there　were　I　can't　remember　them。　The　weeks　slipped　by　like　the　river；　sparkling；　luminous；　full　of　enchantment。
　And　then　came　the　last　Saturday　of　September　and；　though　till　then　we　had　ignored　the　fact；　a　new　chapter　had　to　be　opened。　Susan　was　ing　back　to　the　flat　on　Monday；　I　had　the　chance　of　a　job；　and　Derek　was　going　up　to　Oxford。　We　pretended　it　would　all　be　the　same。　I　would　explain　to　Susan；　and　there　would　be　weekends　when　I　could　go　to　Oxford　or　Derek　e　up　to　London。　We　didn't　discuss　our　affair。　It　was　obvious　that　it　would　go　on。　Derek　had　talked　vaguely　of　my　meeting　his　parents；　but　he　had　never　pressed　it；　and　on　our　Saturdays　together　there　were　always　so　many　better　things　to　do。　Perhaps　I　thought　it　rather　odd　that　Derek　seemed　to　have　no　time　for　me　during　the　week；　but　he　played　a　lot　of　cricket　and　tennis　and　had　hosts　of　friends；　all　of　whom　he　said　were　a　bore。　I　didn't　want　to　get　mixed　up　in　this　side　of　his　life；　at　any　rate　not　for　the　present。　I　was　happy　to　have　him　absolutely　to　myself　for　our　one　day　a　week。　I　didn't　want　to　share　him　with　a　crowd　of　other　people　who　would　anyway　make　me　shy。　So　things　were　left　very　much　in　the　air；　and　I　just　didn't　look　beyond　the　next　Saturday。
　That　day　Derek　was　particularly　affectionate；　and　in　the　evening　he　took　me　to　the　Bridge　Hotel　and　we　had　three　rounds　of　gins　and　tonics；　though　usually　we　hardly　drank　at　all。　And　then　he　insisted　on　champagne　for　dinner；　and　by　the　time　we　got　to　our　little　cinema　we　were　both　rather　tight。　I　was　glad；　because　it　would　make　me　forget　that　tomorrow　would　mean　the　turning　of　a　new　page　and　the　breaking　up　of　all　our　darling　routines。　But　when　we　got　into　our　little　box；　Derek　was　morose。　He　didn't　take　me　in　his　arms　as　usual　but　sat　a　little　away　from　me　and　smoked　and　watched　the　film。　I　came　close　to　him　and　took　his　hand；　but