dk.coldfire-第34章

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uspended　animation　in　an　alien　vault　in　a　cave　on　Mars。〃　
　His　face　remained　as　immobile　as　stone。　He　was　tough。　
　〃What　I　want；〃　Holly　said；　〃is　to　satisfy　my　curiosity；　learn　how　you　do　what　you　do；　and　why　you　do　it。〃　She　hesitated。　She　took　a　deep　breath。　
　Here　came　the　big　one：　〃And　I　want　to　be　part　of　it　all。〃　
　〃What　do　you　mean？〃　She　spoke　fast；　running　sentences　together；　afraid　he　would　interrupt　her　before　she　got　it　all　out；　and　never　give　her　another　chance　to　explain　herself　〃I　want　to　work　with　you；　help　you；　contribute　to　your　mission；　or　whatever　you　call　it；　however　you　think　of　it；　I　want　to　save　people；　at　least　help　you　save　them。〃　
　〃There's　nothing　you　could　do。〃　
　〃There　must　be　something；〃　she　insisted。　
　〃You'd　only　be　in　the　way。〃　
　〃Listen；　I'm　intelligent〃　〃So　what？〃　〃…well…educated…〃　〃So　am　I。〃　
　〃…gutsy…〃　〃But　I　don't　need　you。〃　
　〃…petent；　efficient〃　〃Sorry。〃　
　〃Damn　it！〃　she　said；　more　frustrated　than　angry。　〃Let　me　be　your　secretary；　even　if　you　don't　need　one。　Let　me　be　your　girl　Friday；　your　good　right　hand…at　least　your　friend〃　He　seemed　unmoved　by　her　plea。　
　He　stared　at　her　for　so　long　that　she　became　unfortable；　but　she　would　not　look　away　from　him。　She　sensed　that　he　used　his　singularly　penetrating　gaze　as　an　instrument　of　control　and　intimidation；　but　she　was　not　easily　manipulated。　She　was　determined　not　to　let　him　shape　this　encounter　before　it　had　begun。　
　At　last　he　said；　〃So　you　want　to　be　my　Lois　Lane。〃　
　For　a　moment　she　had　no　idea　what　he　was　talking　about。　Then　she　remembered：　Metropolis；　the　Daily　Planet　Jimmy　Olsen；　Perry　White；　Lois　Lane；　Clark　Kent；　Superman。　
　Holly　knew　he　was　trying　to　irritate　her。　
　Making　her　angry　was　another　way　of　manipulating　her；　if　she　became　abrasive；　he　would　have　an　excuse　to　turn　her　away。　She　was　determined　to　remain　calm　and　reasonably　congenial　in　order　to　keep　the　door　open　between　them。　
　But　she　could　not　sit　still　and　control　her　temper　at　the　same　time。　She　needed　to　work　off　some　of　the　energy　of　anger　that　was　overcharging　her　batteries。　She　pushed　her　chair　back；　got　up；　and　paced　as　she　responded　to　him：　〃No；　that's　exactly　what　I　don　't　want　to　be。　I　don't　want　to　be　your　chronicler；　intrepid　girl　reporter。　I'm　sick　of　journalism。〃　Succinctly；　she　told　him　why。　〃I　don't　want　to　be　your　swooning　admirer；　either；　or　that　well…meaning　but　bumbling　gal　who　gets　herself　in　trouble　all　the　time　and　has　to　rely　on　you　to　save　her　from　the　evil　clutches　of　Lex　Luthor。　
　Something　amazing　is　happening　here；　and　I　want　to　be　part　of　it。　
　It's　also　dangerous；　yeah；　but　I　still　want　to　be　a　part　of　it；　because　what　you're　doing　is　so。　。　。　so　meaningful。　I　want　to　contribute　any　way　I　can；　do　something　more　worthwhile　with　my　life　than　I've　done　so　far。〃　
　〃Do…gooders　are　usually　so　full　of　themselves；　so　unconsciously　arrogant；　they　do　more　damage　than　good；〃　he　said。　
　〃I'm　not　a　do…gooder。　That's　not　how　I　see　myself　I'm　not　at　all　interested　in　being　praised　for　my　generosity　and　self　sacrifice。　I　don't　need　to　feel　morally　superior。　Just　useful。　〃　〃The　world　is　full　of　do…gooders；〃　he　said；　refusing　to　relent。　〃If　I　needed　an　assistant；　which　I　don't；　why　would　I　choose　you　over　all　the　other　do…gooders　out　there？〃　He　was　an　impossible　man。　She　wanted　to　smack　him。　
　Instead　she　kept　moving　back　and　forth　as　she　said；　〃Yesterday；　when　I　crawled　back　into　the　plane　for　that　little　boy；　for　Norby；　I　just。　。　。　
　well；　I　amazed　myself　I　didn't　know　I　had　anything　like　that　in　me。　I　wasn't　brave；　I　was　scared　to　death　the　whole　time；　but　I　got　him　out　of　there；　and　I　never　felt　better　about　myself〃　〃You　like　the　way　people　look　at　you　when　they　know　you're　a　hero；〃　he　said　flatly。　
　She　shook　her　head。　〃No；　that's　not　it。　Aside　from　one　rescue　worker　no　one　knew　I'd　pulled　Norby　out　of　there。　I　liked　the　way　I　looked　at　me　after　I'd　done　it；　that's　all。〃　
　〃So　you're　hooked　on　risk；　heroism；　you're　a　courage　junkie。〃　
　Now　she　wanted　to　smack　him　twice。　In　the　face。　Crack；　crack。　Hard　enough　to　set　his　eyes　spinning。　It　would　make　her　feel　so　good。　
　She　restrained　herself　〃Okay；　fine；　if　that's　the　way　you　want　to　see　it；　then　I'm　a　courage　junkie。〃　
　He　did　not　apologize。　He　just　stared　at　her。　
　She　said；　〃But　that's　better　than　inhaling　a　pound　of　cocaine　up　my　nose　every　day；　don't　you　think？〃　He　did　not　respond。　
　Getting　desperate　but　trying　not　to　show　it；　Holly　said；　〃When　it　was　all　over　yesterday；　after　I　handed　Norby　to　that　rescue　worker；　you　know　what　I　felt？　More　than　anything　else？　Not　elation　at　saving　him…that　too；　but　not　mainly　that。　And　not　pride　or　the　thrill　of　defeating　death　myself　Mostly　I　felt　rage　It　surprised　me；　even　scared　me。　I　was　so　furious　that　a　little　boy　almost　died；　that　his　uncle　had　died　beside　him；　that　he'd　been　trapped　under　those　seats　with　corpses；　that　all　of　his　innocence　had　been　blown　away　and　that　he　couldn't　ever　again　just　enjoy　life　the　way　a　kid　ought　to　be　able　to。　I　wanted　to　punch　somebody；　wanted　to　make　somebody　apologize　to　him　for　what　he'd　been　through。　But　fate　isn't　a　sleazeball　in　a　cheap　suit；　you　can't　put　the　arm　on　fate　and　make　it　say　it's　sorry；　all　you　can　do　is　stew　in　your　anger。〃　
　Her　voice　was　not　rising；　but　it　was　increasingly　intense。　She　paced　faster；　more　agitatedly。　She　was　getting　passionate　instead　of　angry；　which　was　even　more　certain　to　reveal　the　degree　of　her　desperation。　But　she　couldn't　stop　herself：　〃Just　stew　in　anger。　
　Unless　you're　Jim　Ironheart。　You　can　do　something　about　it；　make　a　difference　in　a　way　nobody　ever　made　a　difference　before。　
　And　now　that　I　know　about　you；　I　can't　just　get　on　with　my　life；　can't　just　shrug　my　shoulders　and　walk　away；　because　you've　given　me　a　chance　to　find　a　strength　in　myself　I　didn't　know　I　had；　you've　given　me　hope　when　I　didn't　even　realize　I　was　longing　for　it；　you've　shown　me　a　way　to　satisfy　a　need　that；　until　yesterday；　I　didn't　even　know　I　had；　a　need　to　fight　back；　to　spit　in　Death's　face。　Damn　it；　you　can't　just　close　the　door　now　and　let　me　standing　out　in　the　cold！〃　He　stared　at　her。　
　Congratulations；　Thorne；　she　told　herself　scornfully。　You　were　a　monument　to　posure　and　restraint；　a　towering　example　of　self　control。　
　He　just　stared　at　her。　
　She　had　met　his　cool　demeanor　with　heat；　had　answered　his　highly　effective　silences　with　an　ever　greater　cascade　of　words。　One　chance；　that　was　all　she'd　had；　and　she'd　blown　it。　
　Miserable；　suddenly　drained　of　energy　instead　of　overflowing　with　it；　she　sat　down　again。　She　propped　her　elbows　on　the　table　and　put　her　face　in　her　hands；　not　sure　if　she　was　going　to　cry　or　scream。　She　didn't　do　either。　
　She　just　sighed　wearily。　
　〃Want　a　beer？〃　he　asked。　
　〃God；　yes。〃　
　Like　a　brush　of　flame；　the　westering　sun　slanted　through　the　tilted　plantation　shutters　on　the　breakfast…nook　window；　slathering　bands　of　coppergold　fire　on　the　ceiling。　Holly　slumped　in　her　chair；　and　Jim　leaned　forward　in　his。　She　stared　at　him　while　he　stared　at　his　half　finished　bottle　of　Corona。　
　〃Like　I　told　you　on　the　plane；　I'm　not　a　psychic；〃　he　insisted。　〃I　can't　foresee　things　just　because　I　want　to。　I　don't　have　visions。　It's　a　higher　power　working　through　me。〃　
　〃You　want　to　define　that　a　little？〃　He　shrugged。　〃God。〃　
　〃God's　talking　to　you？〃　〃Not　talking。　I　don't　hear　voices；　His　or　anybody　else's。　Now　and　then　I'm　pelled　to　be　in　a　certain　place　at　a　certain　time。　。　。〃　
　As　best　he　could；　he　tried　to　explain　how　he　had　ended　up　at　the　McAlbery　School　in　Portland　and　at　the　sites　of　the　other　miraculous　rescues　he　had　performed。　He　also　told　her　about　Father　Geary　finding　him　on　the　floor　of　the　church；　by　the　sanctuary　railing；　with　the　stigmata　of　Christ　marking　his　brow；　hands；　and　side。　
　It　was　off　the…wall　stuff；　a　weird　brand　of　mysticism　that　might　have　been　concocted　by　an　heretical　Catholic　and　peyote…inspired　Indian　medicine　man　in　association　with　a　no…nonsense；　Clint　Eastwood…style　cop。　
　Holly　was　fascinated。　But　she　said；　〃I　can't　honestly　tell　you　I　see　God's　big　hand　in　this。〃　
　〃I　do；〃　he　said　quietly；　making　it　clear　that　his　conviction　was　solid　and　in　no　need　of　her　approval。　
　Nevertheless　she　said；　〃Sometimes　you've　had　to　be　pretty　damned　violent；　like　with　those　guys　who　kidnapped　Susie　and　her　mother　in　the　desert。〃　
　〃They　got　what　they　deserved；〃　he　said　flatly。　〃There's　too　much　darkness　in　some　people；　corruption　that　could　never　be　cleaned　out　in　five　lifetimes　of　rehabilitation。　Evil　is　real；　it　walks　the　earth。　
　Sometimes　the　devil　works　by　persuasion。　Sometimes　he　just　sets　loose　these　sociopaths　who　don't　have　a　gene　for　empathy　or　one　for　passion。〃　
　〃I'm　not　saying　you　didn't　have　to　be　violent　in　some　of　these　situations。　
　Far　as　I　can　see；　you　had　no　choice。　I　just　meant…it's　hard　to　see　God　encouraging　his　messenger　to　pick　up　a　shotgun。〃　
　He　drank　some　beer。　〃You　ever　read　the　Bible？〃　〃Sure。〃　
　〃Says　in　there　that　God　wiped　out　the　evil　people　in　Sodom　and　Gomora　rah　with　volcanoes；　earthquakes；　rains　of　fire。　
　Flooded　the　whole　world　once；　didn't　He？　Made　the　Red　Sea　wash　over　the　pharaoh's　soldiers；　drowned　them　all。　I　don't　think　He's　going　to　be　skittish　about　a　little　old　shotgun。〃　
　〃I　guess　I　was　thinking　about　the　God　of　the　New　Testament。　Maybe　you　heard　about　Him…understanding；　passionate；　merciful。〃　
　He　fixed　her　with　those　eyes　again；　which　could　be　so　appealing　that　they　made　her　knees　weak　or　so　cold　they　made　her　shiver。　A　moment　ago　they　had　been　warm；　now　they　were　icy。　If　she'd　had　any　doubt；　she　knew　from　his　frigid　response　that　he　had　not　yet　decided　to　wele　her　into　his　life。　〃I've　met　up　with　some　people　who're　such　walking　scum；　it'd　be　an　insult　to　animals　to　call　them　animals。　If　I　thought　God　always　dealt　mercifully　with　their　kind；　I　wouldn't　want　anything　to　do　with　God。〃　
　Holly　stood　at　the　kitchen　sink；　cleaning　mushrooms　and　slicing　tomatoes；　while　Jim　separated　egg　whites　from　yolks　to　make　a　pair　of　paratively　low…calorie　omelettes。　
　〃All　the　time；　people　are　dying　conveniently；　right　in　your　own　backyard。　But　often　you　go　clear　across　the　country　to　save　them。〃　
　〃Once　to　France；〃　he　said；　confirming　her　suspicion　that　he　had　ventured　out　of　the　country　on　his　missions。　〃Once　to　Germany；　twice　to　Japan；　once　to　England。〃　
　〃Why　doesn't　this　higher　power　give　you　only　local　work？〃　〃I　don't　know。〃　
　〃Have　you　ever　wondered　what's　so　special　about　the　people　you　save？　I　mean…why　them　and　not　others？〃　〃Yeah。　I've　wondered　about　it。　I　see　stories　on　the　news　every　week　about　innocent　people　being　murdered　or　dying　in　accidents　right　here　in　southern　California；　and　I　wonder　why　He　didn't　choose　to　save　them　instead　of　some　boy　in　Boston。　I　just　figure　the　boy　in　Boston…the　devil　was　conspiring　to　take　him　before　his　time；　and　God　used　me　to　prevent　that。〃　
　〃So　many　of　them　are　young。〃　
　〃I've　noticed　that。〃　
　〃But　you　don't　know　why？〃　〃Not　a　clue。〃　
　The　kitchen　was　redolent　of　cooking　eggs；　onions；　mushrooms；　and　green　peppers。　Jim　made　one　big　omelette　in　a　single　pan；　planning　to　cut　it　in　half　when　it　was　done。　
　While　Holly　monitored　the　progress　of　the　whole…wheat　bread　in　the